TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: You need a business coach. The gout's back in my toe. It sucks. It's painful. Very stiff. It feels like you want to crack your toe but it really won't. Hopefully it's not going to spread. So I feel like crap. How are you doing?
THERAPIST: Well, I'm sorry to hear you feel like crap.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: Not much has changed since Wednesday. Probably the only thing is more of a realization how much my business has come to a complete standstill. [00:01:03]
I've got no refis in the pipeline. I've got no title examinations in the pipeline. I picked up a sale in July. (LAUGHTER) It's a nice one. You know? But... Yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So... And I'm eating really shitty food. It's not helping. It's probably why the gout is back.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: You saw my little birthday gimmick didn't you? It's like the only thing that has been working out for me. It's been overwhelmingly successful. [00:02:01]
THERAPIST: Hmm. That's great.
CLIENT: You know, we, they... It's not a requirement but we kind of sign a pledge and part of the pledge is that we'll raise money for the farm and you can do that either by cutting a check or, you know, finding people to donate money and a woman had tried this a couple years ago and made like three hundred bucks and every time they would bring it up, my birthday had already passed. But they brought it up in the meeting. I'm like, "Well, send me an e-mail." And so I sent the e-mail and Google and Gmail wouldn't send half of them so I had to resend them. They've got some, you know, some spam thing that, you know... So but I decided to put it on Facebook as well as an event. Some people were confused that there actually was going to be a party because I put a date and I put the farm as the location but there was no time. [00:03:01]
So I had to change the title. But on the Facebook page where people have e-mailed me back, I sent them to the PayPal and so a lot of people paid by PayPal and checks are rolling in.
THERAPIST: That's good.
CLIENT: I think I'm going to do much better than three hundred dollars.
THERAPIST: Wow. Nice.
CLIENT: So... And I sent it to the mortgage broker and his boss and they want to do a larger donation but they want some type of exposure.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: Like, "Well, we've got our spring fundraiser coming up," and forwarded them off to the appropriate authorities. That'll easily put me over the thousand bucks.
THERAPIST: Great.
CLIENT: So...
(PAUSE) [00:03:57]
CLIENT: So one thing's gone well. Looking at the positive. And then I'm realizing that all I really need to do is set up a website, a PayPal account. I could make a lot of fucking money.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: And I could probably word it in such a way that it really doesn't come across as fraud.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: You know? Maybe "Supporting Depression Anxiety," "ADD." You know what was really weird was I woke up this morning and I had like eight moves to make in Words with Friends and just staring at it and kind of the same thing last night. I was staring at it. I just can't focus on it. And when I took my medication and by the time I got here, I'm like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. [00:07]
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: So at least that's working. Still not getting a lot of sleep, waking up. You know, I woke up like six. The alarm was set for seven. (SIGH) Yesterday, I was just, I was like... It's really it's a bizarre feeling to be exhausted and have energy at the same time. You know? It's like I'm just like constantly yawning and, you know, but in the same respect, you know... (PAUSE) So at some point I've got to try and catch up on some sleep. Maybe Ian will come over tonight and I'll go to bed when he goes to bed.
(PAUSE) [00:06:00]
CLIENT: No more luck with the online dating.
THERAPIST: I'm sorry to hear that.
CLIENT: I keep trying. I've been sending messages and people aren't even going to my profile so it's like I don't even know if they're read them and... Because at least before, you know, I would see that people go to my profile. But now people can pay to not show up on your profile so maybe that's part of it but I don't know if they're just finding my messages so creepy that they're not even bothering or my thumbnail picture is just so offensive. So... (PAUSE) And just like people who don't really say much about themselves so I ask them about it. You know? "What do you like to do? You know?"
THERAPIST: Yep. [00:07:01]
CLIENT: Nothing. You know? All different ages, body types, you know, they're all liberal. You know? With kids, without kids, want kids, don't want kids. You know. (PAUSE) (inaudible) used to rejection. (LAUGHTER) There's only so much you can take, you know? You don't agree.
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: Uh... [00:07:53]
CLIENT: I don't have that entrepreneurial spirit where I drive ten businesses into the ground until I find the one that works. You know? I don't have that in me. You know? In fact, the fear of rejection often prevents me from doing things.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So this is just, you know...
THERAPIST: Yeah. It took a while to get out there.
CLIENT: But now I want to go back.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But it's like, you know, if it becomes, I don't want to say an obsession but, I keep telling myself, "Just leave it alone for a few days." But I'm just...
THERAPIST: It's hard to do.
CLIENT: It's on my phone, you know, always looking at it and, you know, just... The phone version's a little different than online. It actually shows you people in your area, near you and the same couple of women keep showing up who've already blown me off and they're not showing up on the web where I can hide them. So it's like I keep seeing them over and over again. [00:09:07]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: It's like just this constant reminder, you know?
THERAPIST: Yeah. Yep.
CLIENT: So... And then there's the people who visit your profile, don't do anything. Which I don't know how that works. You know? I read the other day... They had a blog post about looks, you know? They say one third of the attractive women get two thirds of the messages and, you know, it's somewhat unscientific just taking people's kind of opinions of what attractive people are and they say that women are extremely pick and that they showed some pictures of, you know, attractive men but that women said they were below average in looks. So it's like I'm fighting this uphill battle. You know? And... I don't know. [00:10:19]
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: It's incredibly tough.
CLIENT: It's like I wish, you know, I was busy and had something else to occupy myself with.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: I was sitting in the office yesterday staring at the fucking wall, you know?
THERAPIST: Yeah (inaudible at 00:10:35)which is part of what makes it so hard.
CLIENT: And to tell you the truth, I really don't even want Ian coming over tonight. I'm just not in the mood for it. I agreed to go pick them up and spend the afternoon with the kids and then he's going to ask. You know? But...
(PAUSE) [00:11:00]
CLIENT: I'm going to a Saint Patty's Day lunch on Sunday. Maybe that'll change my mood. I always get hammered. I've never been to the parade. Not really excited about that since it's just a lot of drunken people. You know? My mom sent me a shirt just out of the blue. It's green. In big letters it says, "This Irishman walks out of a bar," and then underneath it, it says, "No, seriously. It can happen." I showed it to Jess (ph) and she got all upset. She, you know, gets very offended at the Irish drinking jokes which I find to be, you know... Fucking loosen up. You know? She gets upset when I tell Jew jokes, you know? It's like... Reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where what's his name, the dentist... [00:12:19]
THERAPIST: Yeah. I know what you mean.
CLIENT: Yeah. Where he converts to Judaism and Jerry thinks he's doing it just for the jokes.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) I vaguely remember that one.
CLIENT: So Jerry starts telling dentist jokes.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: And Kramer calls him and anti-dentite (ph).
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: The other funny dentist one is when they put him under the gas and he wakes up and the nurse and the dentist are kind of putting their clothes back on and his shirt is unbuttoned. [00:12:59]
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) They're not even really... You know it's like Person of Interest was on last night and I wasn't even really following it and then Criminal Minds came on and there were some interesting episodes but I really just wasn't following it. Just completely kind of disinterested and just, you know. That was my concern with Words with Friends. It's like, you know, I just, you know...
THERAPIST: It's hard to care.
CLIENT: What's that?
THERAPIST: It's hard to care.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you're working all you want is free time and then you get free time and it sucks. You know? It's like a couple years ago when I would just fucking sit around my apartment all day just, you know.
THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:14:01]
CLIENT: At least I had the dog to walk, you know?
THERAPIST: Well it's not the free time that sucks. It's the lack of work and the...
CLIENT: Still haven't started exercising or riding my bike or... I wanted to ride my bike to the farm but it was raining. You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I'm like, "I'm not making my first ride..." You know? It's been tough enough, you know, stamina wise. I'm not going punish myself and drive in the rain too.
THERAPIST: What about your push up squat routine?
CLIENT: When they started doing construction in the other room, I lost a lot of room to do the push-ups and whatever.
THERAPIST: Oh? [00:15:01]
CLIENT: My floor is dirty and, you know, just finding an excuse not to do them. That's what I keep telling myself just... That's the one disappointment about the Adderall (ph) is I thought that would get me motivated to...
THERAPIST: Right. Exercise.
CLIENT: ...to exercise and, you know, I've already had to sign up for spring league and I, you know, I get nervous every year that I'm just going to go out there and have a heart attack. You know? And the last couple of years I've been in, just (inaudible at 00:15:31) you know? I've been fine when I go out there.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I usually ride my bike the first day but in years past, you know, I get lightheaded and, you know, feel weird in my chest and, you know, not like I'm having a heart attack but just, you know. So... Now I'm a little freaked out by they who just had a heart attack, the frisbee player. Apparently he had just retired. The captain of...
THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. And...
(PAUSE) [00:16:05]
CLIENT: My mom is not even speaking to my brother. I kind of called... I accidentally texted her. Did I tell you what happened? When Paige (ph) saw that R (ph) wanted to have children, she was like, "What are you high?"
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: And we were talking on Facebook. So I was going to write back, "Yeah. In fact, I just smoked a (inaudible) and for some reason, I sent that to my mom.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) [00:17:05]
CLIENT: Who I don't think picked it up but I immediately texted her back saying, you know, "That was intended for a friend. You know, it was..." So then I felt like I had to tell her about the whole date or whatever. So I texted her back that, you know, I didn't have the date. It's a long story. I thought, "I got time." So I called her. You know, we chatted about it.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: She was going to send me money for the clothes I bought.
THERAPIST: Oh. That's nice.
CLIENT: But every year she sends me a hundred bucks for my birthday. I was like, "Just make it out to the farm." She was like, "Oh, I'll send you fifty for the farm." I was just, "Make the whole thing out to the farm (inaudible at 00:17:47) one way or the other. You know? You know, that's about half of a wasted dinner on some woman who's going to not go out on a second date with me. I don't even... You know, it's like just to get to that dinner. You know? [00:18:01]
But then we started talking about my brother. She wanted to go... I think she wanted to go visit over Memorial Day. He was like, "Well, I don't have the kids then. You know? So don't come up." And she hasn't spoken to him since. She's like, "He has my number." You know? He's just... I don't know what, why. He's alienated my dad and stepmom and he's starting to alienate my mom. You know? There was a time when her really was trying hard to, you know, build a relationship with me and...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know, now when I make fun of him on his girlfriend's posts, he like...
THERAPIST: Well, I remember he like got all worked up about it.
CLIENT: Yeah. And the last time he said, "What even makes you think you're staying with me?" Did I tell you about the coffee?
THERAPIST: No. [00:18:55]
CLIENT: She posts, "Does anybody know movers?" Whatever it is. I said, "Well, I don't know any movers in bumblefuck (ph," or, you know, whatever.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I think I said, "bumblefeck (ph," which only the Irish people get because Irish people say "feck," you know?
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: It's fuck...
THERAPIST: Like a couple of towns over from bumblefuck or something?
CLIENT: Yeah. I think they... Because fuck's a bad word but feck is not but they mean the same thing. You know?
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: Like you can say feck on television, you know? So I said, "But, you know..."
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: "...when I come to visit, you know, if you can make sure that there's some good coffee in the house." My brother always has this crappy Dunkin Donuts and he can't make coffee.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: It just sucks. I'm like, you know, "Not that I don't like Dunkin Donuts. It has a lot of caffeine and they're on every corner."
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But, you know, I just... You know? And so I got the... Oh and I put, "And you'll find out and by the way, I'm only half the asshole that my brother says I am."
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) [00:20:05]
CLIENT: Because I know. I mean, he does it to his kids. He does it for his wife. He preps them for me, you know? And he immediately texts me, you know, the same old bullshit. You know? "You don't get it. What's wrong with you?" And... Oh, he starts off with, "What makes you think you're staying with me?" Which I didn't take to be some sort of joke or anything like that because he's been very serious in his texts.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So I'm thinking, "I'm going to call your ex-wife and stay with her." You know? I communicate with her on Facebook more than I do with him.
THERAPIST: Oh really?
CLIENT: Yeah. She went to...
THERAPIST: Do you like her?
CLIENT: What's that?
THERAPIST: Did you like, do you like her? [00:20:59]
CLIENT: I always didn't, no. But, you know, she's one of these... We always had this sort of, you know, always teasing each other kind of relationship. So...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I mean, I had problems with her but, you know, nothing I confronted her about.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know, she just... My brother, my family always thought it was her but, you know, I tried to tell them it's not her. It's him. You know. It's not that he's pussy whipped or weak or... He really feels the same way that she does.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: It's not, you know... Because he once told me. He goes, "Everybody's got opinions but the only one that matters is yours." You know? And I'm just like, "This is really what you think of your family, you know, trying to give you a little bit of advice and you don't have to take it, you know? It's just..." So I finally just decided and say, "Listen, you know, you need to get the stick out of your ass. You know, you're going to have a myocardial infarction." [00:22:01]
I said, "You need to stop taking yourself so seriously." And his reply was just, "Okay." Usually I get, "Whatever," whenever I say something so I don't know if that struck a chord or, you know, it was a blow off. I don't know. Now when his girlfriend, replies to my post, she says, "Well, I love Dunkin Donuts coffee but I'll make sure when you come stay with us..."
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: "...that I'll have some good coffee for you."
THERAPIST: Uh huh. Had she seemed like he wrote to you?
CLIENT: No because he texted me.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay.
CLIENT: He texts me.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Like immediately. It's like...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...somehow he's got a subscription to whenever I post on one of her comments. You know?
(PAUSE) [00:23:00]
CLIENT: (SIGH) (PAUSE) I posted on Tuesday and I was having a bad day. I said, "Today was a bad day to quit sniffing glue."
THERAPIST: I get it.
CLIENT: Yeah. My older friends got it. My younger friends, I don't think they did. A couple people said, "You're crazy." (LAUGHTER) I am. You know? One woman even said, "You're crazy," and then dot, dot, dot, "But I like it." And I said, "Well, that's what my therapist says but he doesn't like it."
THERAPIST: Thank you for the inclusion (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yes. Well, I talk about you all the time. I don't think people take me seriously when I say, "You know, well, I talked... My therapist this, my therapist that," or, you know, "my meds," or, you know, I don't think anyone takes me seriously. You know? (LAUGHTER) "I should've taken my meds today," or, "Maybe I took too many of my meds today." [00:24:15]
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: You know?
THERAPIST: Yep.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: (SIGH) (PAUSE) At least the brunch is with people, you know, I enjoy hanging out with, you know, some people from the (inaudible) people.
THERAPIST: Yeah. You pretty often like frisbee especially if you're feeling in better shape or played a good game. [00:25:07]
CLIENT: Well these are all... They live far out (ph) so it's like, you know, if they lived closer I'd probably try...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...to do more stuff with them. But, you know, there's three fish shows which is a pretty cool thing. You know, it's one of these like, you know, Great Woods (ph) type of things but it's really weird. It's steep and there's this huge drop off and it's just, you know... It's a cool place.
THERAPIST: That's cool.
CLIENT: And so I was like, you know, "Who's in?" And Brian and Harry (ph) are doing something that weekend but that guy Benji is like, "Oh, I do this..." You know, it's like over, it's like fifth, sixth, seventh of July. He's like, "I do this big firework show. I do it to music. It's like fifteen minutes long. I do it every year."
THERAPIST: Oh. [00:26:15]
CLIENT: And then I was just going to just go to the Sunday show. So I may just do it, end up doing that. That kind of seems like...
THERAPIST: Cool.
CLIENT: So... (PAUSE) Trying to do more things to get out of the city, you know, get away from everybody. I volunteered to be a pack leader for the Cub Scouts. And I thought this is just some sort of administrative role but apparently there's training. It's online but I've got a training and though the woman who was doing the recruiting doesn't wear a uniform, all the other pack leaders do.
THERAPIST: Congratulations. [00:27:07]
CLIENT: And... Yeah. And I don't want to wear a uniform, you know? The brown cheesy, you know? But Ian is going to want me to wear a uniform. So you know what?
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: I'm not going to wear the fucking uniform. (PAUSE) I don't know why I do that to myself. You know, I just volunteer for shit, you know? And, you know, I do it at time like this when I'm not that busy.
THERAPIST: Yeah it feels good to be...
CLIENT: Then I get busy.
THERAPIST: ...part of something and helping out and needed.
CLIENT: (SIGH)
THERAPIST: That's tough stuff to face. [00:28:09]
CLIENT: I've got... I volunteered, you know, the... I told you about the Farm (ph)? How we're...
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: I went ahead and I send an e-mail, you know, they were pressuring me to, you know... The ED not real excited about having some memorandum (inaudible)
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So I basically injected myself into the process, saying, "I want to be at all the planning meetings and the budget meetings, you know, just for the sole purpose of drafting this memorandum. You know. I said, "It doesn't have to be... It can be just bullet points. I just want something down on paper."
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: You know? And everybody thought it was a great idea. I'm like, "Great." You know?
THERAPIST: Which means you actually have to do it.
CLIENT: Yeah. So...
(PAUSE) [00:29:00]
CLIENT: So the thing with the farm, you know, I mean, when they ask you to do stuff and you say yes all it means is they're just going to ask you to do more stuff. So... (PAUSE) You know, I called a month ago, weeks ago about modification on an investment property. And I took some information kind of an initial application to see if I would qualify. And then he told me to go online and fill out the affidavit and do all this stuff which I never did. First I get a letter saying that they had my inquiry and they'll let me know once they whatever. I thought, "That's kind of a weird letter." And then yesterday, I get a FedEx from them and I open it up and it's this nice folder, you know, like, you know, like this huge marketing material of an application for a modification. [00:30:09]
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: And I'm just... I'm like why haven't these people fucking foreclosed on us yet?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: We're on the hole for like ninety grand.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: You know? What are they... (SIGH) So...
THERAPIST: Because, you guys, you're not paying the mortgage on it.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: You haven't in a long time.
CLIENT: You know, I try and tell people that but, you know, they don't understand. You know, it's like why... If I'm going to sell it on a short sale. Why fucking keep throwing money at it? You know?" And... So... (SIGH) You know, and Jess wants it as sort of as just to give her time to find a place. You know? [00:31:03]
I'm glad she's kind of given up on the one idea but her parents have offered to, you know, help her buy a house elsewhere. She doesn't want her parents to do it, to spend that kind of money and just... She needs help but when someone wants to help her she refuses to accept. You know? My parents offered to help me get a house or whatever. I was like, "Let's do it." I don't want the mortgage payment but... (SIGH) But Ian said that, you know, they were going to move closer to another place. So, you know, I thought maybe they found a place or something else.
THERAPIST: Is she looking?
CLIENT: Yeah. Oh yeah.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: She's been posting to friends and she's, you know...
THERAPIST: Oh. Oh, okay.
CLIENT: ...been looking on Craigslist and...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know, she just doesn't want to pay sixteen hundred bucks which, you know, is the real low end of things. [00:32:01]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And, you know, once again my response would be, "Why don't you do some fucking marketing for your..." She doesn't even go to the office anymore. You know? And...
THERAPIST: How much is she bringing in?
CLIENT: You know, last year she brought in about the same, as much as I did. You know? Because she's got this constant work from the state...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...that doesn't go away and she had an appeal that she got slammed on by the appeals court and the guy has been out of jail for three years. So now he has to go back to jail for four. She was very upset about that. I'm glad I don't do criminal defense. I applied for bar advocate years ago.
THERAPIST: Oh? [00:32:57]
CLIENT: And they just had so many applications that I don't even think they... They say, "Oh, we'll put yours aside and look at it when..." They probably never did. I'm kind of glad. It wouldn't been experience but, you know, I do enough shit that I don't like. Why do more shit that I don't like? You know? Probably would make the money a little easier but, you know...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Probably would have sent me into my major depressive episode sooner. Not allowed to say nervous breakdown am I?
THERAPIST: Well...
CLIENT: It's not longer...
THERAPIST: Say whatever the hell you want.
CLIENT: It's no longer politically correct.
THERAPIST: It isn't?
CLIENT: That's what Dr. Reid (ph) on Criminal Minds said.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) It is to me.
CLIENT: He's the genius that memorizes everything and, you know. Yeah, they don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore. They call them major depressive episodes. So of course, I repeat that to people.
(PAUSE) [00:34:01]
CLIENT: I see another doctor today. I think CVS (ph) fucked me.
THERAPIST: How's that?
CLIENT: I'm supposed to take the Wellbutrin immediate release a hundred and fifty milligrams. They're a hundred milligram tablets so I should get forty five. It was filed on... No, it does make sense. January 25th. Yeah, never mind. I'm just so fucking confused. (SIGH)
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: Sorry about the dating and the work.
CLIENT: It's not your fault but thanks for your empathy, sympathy, apathy. [00:34:59]
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) I think you worry and wonder about the relative proportions of those things for me sometimes.
CLIENT: Could you explain that?
THERAPIST: Yeah I think you kind of...
CLIENT: Question your sincerity?
THERAPIST: ...question how much I care.
CLIENT: I try and believe that you care because then there's at least someone who cares. You know? If that makes you feel better. (PAUSE) You're supposed to say, you know, "I'm indifferent to that but thank you."
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) Really?
(PAUSE) [00:35:57]
CLIENT: Yeah. Sort of. Like things happen and, you know, I look forward to telling you. You know? It's kind of one of the reasons I wish I was dating someone. So I could have someone to tell things to. You know, every once and awhile, you know, this whole thing, you know, with Paige (ph), you know... I just don't like the answers she gives me. You know? You know, like, she always used to tell me, you know, "Things will get better." You know, this was when, you know, things were really bad. "Things will be better a year from now, you know, whenever." And of course she was right but I didn't want to hear it at the time and then just the whole, you know, trying to get me to move on but, you know, trying to convince me that, you know, I had been, you know, it was just an excuse, you know, blown off and then I told her the story about the woman with the dead dog. [00:37:05]
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I'm like, "Do you notice a pattern here?" You know? And... (PAUSE) And then she wants to regale me with some funny dating stories. I'm like, "You know, don't throw it in my face how much you..."
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: "...all these men you date, you know, it's like..." You know, I try and convince her that she's got it easier, that women have it easier than men. She's like, "No. Dating sucks, blah, blah, blah." I can't even get to the dating sucks part. You know? (PAUSE) Of course I'll be devastated the first woman who blows me off. "You know, we've had some fun time together but you're kind of an asshole." (LAUGHTER)
(PAUSE) [00:38:01]
CLIENT: I think it's a...
THERAPIST: Yeah, that wouldn't really be my diagnosis.
CLIENT: I want things I can't have.
THERAPIST: ...diagnosis.
CLIENT: What's that?
THERAPIST: I said that wouldn't really be my diagnosis.
CLIENT: What?
THERAPIST: That you're an asshole. (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: No. That might be hers.
THERAPIST: I suspect not.
CLIENT: That was Jess's.
THERAPIST: That was different.
CLIENT: A lot of people, that's their diagnosis.
THERAPIST: Really?
CLIENT: In a joking kind of way.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: Some people don't appreciate, you know, like the banter I had with you...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...some people don't appreciate that. You know? They find it sort of asshole-ish.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: I see it as calling people out on their bullshit, you know, or making fun of them.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) Calling people out on their bullshit. Alright (inaudible at 00:38:57) [00:38:59]
CLIENT: But I think there's this, you know, like the whole thing is that...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...you know, it's become something that I can't have...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...so now I want it even more.
THERAPIST: Yes.
CLIENT: You know? And it's the same thing if like I find someone who I think is really cool and they don't respond to me, you know, they don't even just, you know, I don't mind the weird chicks blowing me off or, you know... They all do yoga. You know? They want a guy, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah. All these profiles are the fucking same, you know? There's got to be a song lyric for that, you know? "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."
THERAPIST: "You get what you need." [00:39:57]
CLIENT: Yeah. Apparently I don't need a woman. You know, there's a song by Modest Mouse called Ocean Breeze Salty. You've probably even heard it. You know, it was actually pretty popular song.
THERAPIST: This was not (inaudible at 00:40:23)
CLIENT: No. This is kind of a, you know, sort of the end of a relationship type of a song. You know, the words are very, you know... But like one of the lines is, "I collected my belongings and I left the jail." You know, just, whatever. But there's a line in the song that goes, "You wasted life by what you waste by what you waste death." So Ian asks me, "How do you waste death?" [00:40:59]
I posted it on Facebook and the only response I got was, you know, by not having sort of a just or noble death. And I was like, "Well, what happens if, you know, you're murdered or, you know, you slam into a tree snowboarding or... Is that really a just or noble death? Are you wasting death? You know?
THERAPIST: (inaudible) the moment of death.
CLIENT: Yeah. So... It was... You know? I was kind of proud that he asked that question.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know?
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Shows he likes Modest Mouse but he picks up these things in songs. He really listens to the lyrics.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Which is probably not a good thing.
THERAPIST: Thinks about them. [00:41:57]
CLIENT: I always feel bad when I don't have an answer. You know, I feel like I should have some opinion about that line. You know?
THERAPIST: What does it mean to you?
CLIENT: I think it's not so much the wasting of death part. It's just that, you know, it's more the... It's more of a commentary on the wasting of life. You know? That really it's more a metaphor. You really can't waste death but if there... If there was any way to do it you'd fucking do it. You know? I think that's a lot more where it's coming from.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: You know? That's probably a little too complicated to explain to Ian. You know?
THERAPIST: I think he'd get it.
CLIENT: Yeah, there's also a line, "That is that and this is this."
THERAPIST: It's a little hyperbolic.
CLIENT: Yeah, which is what I like about then. They lyrics are just really awesome, play on words they use. You know? (SIGH) [00:43:09]
THERAPIST: Well, we should finish up for now.
CLIENT: Don't want you to be late for your next appointment. See. I'm an asshole.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: I don't even have laundry to do.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:43:51) it's never my choice. I've got to work on that. Happy St. Patrick's Day.
THERAPIST: Thank you.
END TRANSCRIPT
