TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: (SIGH) It was a crazy fucking morning. I hear my little text thing go off at seven thirty.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So I'm saying to myself, with a smile on my face, "Oh, Doc is running late." (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: I look at the text and it's from Jess (ph) and she's like, "Can you pick up Ian (ph) at seven forty five so he can get second breakfast?" You know, he has a breakfast at home and then he'll get one again at school. I'm like, "What?" (LAUGHTER) I was supposed to pick him up today. I'm not supposed to take him...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: ...to school.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So I call her. She's like, "No, you're supposed to take him to and from." I'm like, "Alright. I'm on my way." So, you know, I haven't taken any of my medicine and, you know, just panicking trying to get over here. I'm like, "I know he's running late but still just why old lady are you driving slow?" You know, run that red light and all that. So...

THERAPIST: Right. [00:00:59]

CLIENT: Then she's texting me. She wants... You know, I've got to go back and give her mom the car seat for Lucille. And she's like, "Can you spend some time with Lucille today?" I was like, "You know, you're totally eating up my day. You know? It's like I have things to do, you know?" But I made it (SIGH) with time to spare.

(PAUSE)

(SIGH) So I keep getting hit with all these just financial crap. You know? But you know, I've got to pay for my tickets, which, you know, I thought I had the money for but then all the sudden (SIGH) you know, Lucille gets her acceptance letter to school you know? And of course within a week they want two thousand bucks. Jess's like, "Can you help with this?" You know? April fifteenth or sixteenth, we've got to send our first estimated payment so there's another seven hundred bucks. [00:01:55]

You know, some point in April, camp is going to want, you know, their money so that's another sixteen hundred dollars. You know? I haven't had a closing, you know, in weeks. I've got to pay my rent. I've got to pay health insurance, taxes, my other rent, and, you know, I was like, "I really need a local address." So I offered to pay half of Jess's rent just to be able to use the address. You know? I mean, I kind of have access to the office but to... You know? So there's another four hundred dollars. You know? I'm like behind on my website and they're like ready to shut it down so I sent them money. And I've got to send them more money at the end of the month. [00:02:53]

Took a loan out from my life insurance policy and I don't know that that's going to be enough and that's like twenty four hundred bucks. Someone keeps debiting my account every Saturday for a hundred dollars. I actually have a check for you but I had such a crazy morning I forgot it. So that's kind of (SIGH) stressing me out a little bit. You know, I've got a couple of people who want to do estate plans who I've sent, you know, engagement letters to but they haven't sent the money back. I met with my website guy and, you know, he just does lawyer websites, you know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So he's like, "Well, you know, there's some estate planners who..." He's always good for advice.

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: He practices. He's like, "Some of them want all the money at the... You know, write the check, at the table..."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "...at the first meeting, you know? And then others will just take a deposit. You know?" And I'm like, "Well, number one, I'm always uncomfortable asking people for money. You know? And that's why I like doing closings because I don't have to ask people for money." I mean, people have to bring money to closings but that's different.

THERAPIST: Right. [00:04:05]

CLIENT: You know, it's not my money. Usually the loan officer deals with it before I have to. And so I was like, "You know, I usually have a good read on people. It just seems that for some reason, right now, I get this influx of estate plans but no one wants to pay me. It's not like something that happens all the time. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So... I'm like, "I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing." You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So, you know, that's just been weighing on me a bit. And there's the whole online dating thing.

(PAUSE)

Which... (LAUGHTER) Why don't I back up to Friday? (LAUGHTER) So I messaged this woman, right? And like an hour and a half later...

THERAPIST: Which woman? [00:05:01]

CLIENT: This woman.

THERAPIST: Oh just some woman.

CLIENT: Some woman. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Some random... I don't think we've talked about it.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: You know? Some woman in (inaudible at 00:05:03). And I sent a really nice message. You know? And so like, you know, she sends me a message back like an hour and a half later. You know, she's a teacher. She's like, "Oh, you know, thanks for stopping by to say ‘hi.'" They always say, "Thanks for stopping by to say ‘hi,'" whatever that means. You know? "You know, I just got back from a school dance, you know, you may not believe this but it's actually pretty tiring. I'm exhausted right now but I'm going to send you..." You know, because I asked her tons of questions. And she's like, "I'm going to give you a message that you deserve." She used the word "deserve." And, you know, whatever, said, "Tomorrow night." And of course I never heard from her until like Monday. [00:05:59]

I read in one of these... I started reading all these articles online. You know? And one of them said that, you know, if she writes back to you, you know, then there's a reason. You know? So there's some interest there. So it's okay if you don't hear from her to follow up. So I followed up and heard nothing. You know? And she's one of these... It's actually kind of, you know, kind of good because I googled her and she uses her same screen name for the online dating site as her Myspace page which she hasn't touched in like five years. So there's like all this stuff from like when she was thirty and younger, you know? And, you know, some like, you know, just... Not like I'm one to complain but, you know, some self-esteem issues and, you know, things like that and... But she also doesn't make her profile private so... You know, you can make it so only members...

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:07:03]

CLIENT: But that's not the default.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So you've got to go on there and change it. So I'm able to check her. I just log out. I can check her profile and she doesn't know I'm checking it.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And it will tell you the last time she's logged on. So I know she's, you know, basically logs in every day.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So I know...

THERAPIST: Right. Right.

CLIENT: So on Wednesday I get an e-mail that, you know, they... They use some funny language like, "She's into you." You know, "There's some woman who rated me four or five stars." So I go and, you know, she's got this like grainy profile picture. You know? But, you know, attractive woman.

THERAPIST: This is a different woman?

CLIENT: This is a different woman.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: You know. I'm reading her profile. She just, you know, doesn't really hide anything. She's a teacher, therapist. I don't know if that's a good idea or not. But, you know, just kind of tells it like it is, you know, doesn't seem to have any self-confidence issues. [00:08:07]

She's like, you know, "What do people notice about you?" You know, "My smile and my bosom." And, you know, she said her body type... She's like, "Voluptuous with a few extra pounds." And then she compared... She says, "People say I look like some actress and Queen Latifah." And I'm like, "I don't know about Queen Latifah." She's been big and small. You know? So I googled the other actress. I'm like, "There's nothing wrong with her." You know? So I send her a message and there were two things I picked up on. One was that she used the phrase, "I shit you not." (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Which I found compelling. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: I'm like, "I haven't heard that in like fifteen years." You know? But... You know, I used to say that all the time. You know, "Are you shitting me? I shit you not." You know? That's... If you said, "I'm shitting you..."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know how Yoda talks? How he always like reverses the words. [00:09:07]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: It's like if you said. If Luke said to Yoda, "Are you shitting me?" (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: I shit you not.

CLIENT: Yoda would be like, "Mmm. I shit you not."

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And she also had a long list of things she likes. So I started out with, you know, "You had me at ‘I shit you not.'"

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) And, you know, I said... And, you know, you go and I read the questions. And she comments... You know, you can put comments on the questions and she commented on most of her questions. So there was a lot of good things like, you know, she likes kids, you know, she... For the whole like divorce thing, she wants someone who, you know, respects their other parent, is a good co-parent, and spends time with their kids. [00:10:07]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, so kind of focused on the kids and stuff like that. Then there was some negative things like, you know, if it, you know, if... What's your favorite wine? "I don't drink wine." You know? "Do you like tasting beer?" "No." "Do you drink?" "Rarely." I'm like, "Aww." You know? But then she's like, "Do you mind if your partner, you know, does drugs?" "Only soft stuff like marijuana." Now of course, my thing under that is... I have a joke that says, "But doesn't the man say that marijuana is a gateway drug?" So, you know, anyways. So... And then there's a question, "Do you mind if your partner is on antidepressants?"

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And the answer I found kind of interesting come from a special educator, behavioral therapist that, "It's okay as long as it's a temporary thing." [00:11:05]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Which, I'm like, "Alright, you know..." At that point I was like, you know, not even going to reply, you know, just whatever. But I'm like, "You know, she digs me. You know, she's got a pretty smile. What have I got to lose?" You know? So I do the, you know, "You had me at ‘I shit you not.'" So I was like, "WWF?" You know? Thinking she's into wrestling, right?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I'm like, "Do you mean..."

THERAPIST: Oh. (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: "Do you mean World Wildlife Fund or wrestling?"

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And then I go on with the rest of the message. You know? So she's writing me a message back and... "Thanks for stopping by."

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:11:55)

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I'd be happy to.

CLIENT: Am I squinting?

THERAPIST: No. I (inaudible at 00:12:01). Is that better? [00:12:03]

CLIENT: That's better. Yeah. So she writes back and she's like, you know, on the WWF thing she's like, "It's this app on a smartphone that is like Scrabble that you play with..."

THERAPIST: Oh. (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And what do I have listed as like "The Six Things You Can't Do Without?" Number six for me is Words with Friends.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So I'm like fucking idiot. I'm like, you know... So I send a quick message back, "You know, I'm an idiot," whatever.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She's like, "Aw, no." So, you know, it was a very nice message and, you know, we seemed to have a lot in common.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She clearly is, you know, funny, zero self-esteem issues, you know, just brutally honest and whatever. You know? And apparently, you know, she has some interest in me as well. Her name's Olivia. I was like, you know, "This is just coincidence but like one of my favorite songs," this is actually true, "is a song called Olivia Olivia." (LAUGHTER) [00:13:09]

Which really has nothing to do with like a romance of Olivia Olivia. It's, you know, "It's me and Olivia." That's the line. (LAUGHTER) I think he just did for alliteration or whatever. You know. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, you know, we do the messages. Whatever. I'm like, "Oh, you know, this will be interesting." And I'm like, "But what do I do now?" You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I sent her a message. She sent me a message back. I sent her a message, "Sorry, I'm an idiot."

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? Now what do I do? So I'm like, "Okay. Now I'm just going to wait. If I don't hear for, you know, like a day or two, I'll message her back." The next day, you know, like she sends me this long message at lunch, you know, how some kid, you know, had a death threat. It's okay that, you know, we all kind of, you know, brain farts. [00:14:05]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know, about, you know... Just going on telling me about her day, this, that, and the other. You know? And she's got to hear that song, whatever and, you know, so then I message her back. And then she ends up sending me a message at like one in the morning how at her second job some kid hit her. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I just happened to... You know, I was up watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: I don't know why I like that movie so much. I saw it like two weeks ago too but just... It's just so... It's one of those movies like at the end where you're just like brutally sad.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:15:01]

CLIENT: Have you seen it?

THERAPIST: A while ago but yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. You know, when they give Jack Nicholson, you know, the frontal lobotomy.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And that motivates Chief to...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: ...break out how Jack Nicholson wanted to break out.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Jack Nicholson wanted to take the table, the marble table and throw it at the window but he couldn't lift it.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So Chief just grabs it, you know, throws it through and just walks out.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Christopher Lloyd's character is there just, "Yeah, Chief!" You know?

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So it's like you go from just this complete emotion of, "Oh man, what did they do to Jack?" And then you're just like, "Oh Chief!"

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? So it's, you know, great ending. So I didn't make it through the movie. You know? I just fell asleep, you know, it was... Started at eleven, would have been done by two. So at some point, I went to bed and I actually was questioning like the last thing I sent to her. I for some reason thought... I can't remember what it was. But I thought it may have been offensive because she lists her ethnicity as "Other."

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And... You know, she listed her... She said, "English fluently, Mediterranean," you know, "Okay and then French a little, Spanish a little." So I was like, "You know, she's got dark hair, thick dark hair. She's probably partly Mediterranean or whatever." You know? But she put "Other." You know? If you were Mediterranean wouldn't you just put "White?"

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:16:07]

CLIENT: You know? So I asked her about that and... Because, you know, when I told her the names of my kids, she was like, you know, "Are you Irish?" You know? "A little? Just a little?" You know? And of course I told her my ancestry. My last name is a German name and some of the Celts actually settled in Germany so maybe... (LAUGHTER) You know? Me on a usual tangent...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...that has really nothing to do with anything. So the last line I put was like "Heinz 57 with a question mark." And then I'm like, you know, for some reason that I'm thinking maybe she would take offense to that. You know, like maybe, you know, if I was mixed race would I take offense to that? You know? It's like some...

THERAPIST: I don't get it. [00:17:05]

CLIENT: Heinz 57 is... Well, it's kind of an old school thing. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah, I know like about the ketchup.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's usually in reference to a dog. Like when you get a dog from the pound and you don't know what it is, you know, it's a Heinz 57. There's 57 breeds in it.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So...

THERAPIST: Got it.

CLIENT: I don't think she got it either. Thank God.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Because I was really worried about it. Oh my God. And so for some reason at like two thirty in the morning I had to pee. I never have to get up in the middle... I had been... I had a bug, like really bad stomach pains...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: ...and diarrhea. I was throwing up. This is like the next night and so I had to get up at like, you know, two thirty and I get up at two thirty and she messaged me at like one o'clock. So not offended at all. You know? So I was like, "Oh, that's good." You know, she's mostly Mediterranean with a dash of Africa. [00:18:03]

And then so when I got up in the morning, I sent her a message. I don't remember what I said. You know, "Sorry about..." You know, that's what she told... The message at one was when she told me she got, was hit by a student. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So... This was like, "I'll just send a quick message." You know? I noticed at like six that morning she looked at my profile. I was like, "Maybe she was checking if I had been online." So she would have seen that I went online, you know, at like quarter to three in the morning.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? Whatever that means. I try not to...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know, of course I'm always second guessing why people do that stuff but you know I sometimes do. So I sent her a message in the morning saying, "Sorry you had a bad day. You know, is it bad form to hit the kid back?" You know? And then she sends me a message later in the day, you know, "It's frowned upon hitting the kids with rulers these days." With a little winking, you know.

THERAPIST: Right. [00:19:01]

CLIENT: And backtracking to, you know, I watched Lucille and Ian during the storm. And, you know, I went through the same thing with Ian but it's kind of a lot worse with Lucille just because I'm not living there.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know, when Jess left she's crying, she's crying. And I finally got her to stop crying, you know, she likes This Old Man. So I got Bob Dylan's version of This Old Man.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And so I'm playing that to her.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And when it gets to the part, you know, "This old man came rolling home," I go, "This old Lucille comes running home." So she laughs and then she starts crying and then she laughs. You know? And so finally I get her to stop crying and we have a fine day. You know? She keeps asking where Mom... You know? And when she started crying later in the afternoon, I just put her on my shoulders and she loves that but then I couldn't get her off my shoulders. You know? I had a hard time putting her down. (inaudible at 00:19:53) So Wednesday I took Ian to Cub Scouts and when I came home from Cub Scouts, you know, I was still feeling sick and, you know... I had to go to a March Madness Draft. So as I was leaving, Lucille goes, "Hug?" Which she has never done to me before. [00:20:21]

THERAPIST: Nice.

CLIENT: And then when I picked her up, she gives me a big solid hug and then goes to kiss me. So I'm just like, you know, finally. It's like completely unprovoked. Usually like if... She'll give me a hug goodbye if Ian is hugging me. She'll kind of come up and hug us both. You know? So I was like, you know, "This is a great thing." You know, whatever.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:20:41) (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER) So I'm like... (inaudible at 00:20:47)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: So I'm like, you know, "I..." I was thinking, you know, I should have said that in the message in the morning. Whatever. You know. I'm like... So finally I decided last night, I'm like, "You know, why don't you just tell her the whole story?" You know? Just kind of do it but, you know, be positive about it. You know? [00:21:15]

Because she's like one of these, you know, she hits a challenge and she just... Whatever. So I make (inaudible at 00:21:19) So I'm telling her the story. You know, how Lucille, you know, separation anxiety, this, that, and the other. I'm like, "You know, I'm really questioning whether I should do it." I don't know. But she... You know, it was kind of long too. I actually wrote it out on a Word document first and then proofread it, changed it, you know, spent some time on it. And at the very end, I said that and then, you know, after that I go, "You know, enough about me." I was like... You know? The thing was like twenty five hundred words or letters or characters. You know?

THERAPIST: Characters? Oh right. [00:21:59]

CLIENT: So... And then I was like... And then I said, "Mediterranean with a dab of West African." And then I put, "That's hot." And then... So she e-mails me back and was like, "Oh, that made me smile. That's so sweet. You know, it warms my heart. I'm so glad that, you know, you and your whatever, you know, or parenting, you know, and this, that, and the other." And then she said, "I'm from a divorced family." And the way she said it kind of was like, you know, like, "I'm divorced." And backtracking to something that's really been weighing heavily on me is I saw Micah (ph) on Friday.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:22:57]

CLIENT: And I was talking to Micah about all this stuff. And it came up that I had in my profile that I'm separated and Micah's like, "No. Get that out of there." And she's like...

THERAPIST: Micah?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: The psychiatric nurse?

CLIENT: The (inaudible at 00:21:09) pharmacologist nurse practitioner. Yes.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And she was very compelling about it. She was like, you know, "That's something... I wouldn't even bring it up until the second date." I'm like, "Really? Like you wouldn't like... Maybe among one of the first messages?" She was like, "No, no, no, no, no." And so I actually...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:23:39).

CLIENT: Well no... I actually... I had it written in my profile. I list myself as single because there's really no option for...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know, it's like married not looking, married looking so it's... You know, they make it seem like you put married and looking like you're looking for an open relationship.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? So originally, I just had it in there to make it clear.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And I took it out literally in her office. I just took out that line. [00:23:59]

And so the woman who messaged me on Friday obviously didn't see that I was separated. And Olivia clearly doesn't see that I'm separated. And I texted my friend Paige (ph). I was like... You know, I asked her about it and she was like, "I would never date a man who was separated." And I was like, "Oh, it's that why you haven't asked me out?" And she was like, "Yeah." I said, "So, when I get a divorce you're going to marry me?" She's like, "No, silly." But then she changed her relationship status this week on Facebook. She's been dating this guy. And she...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So she changed it to "In a Relationship." So I sent her a text. I said, "You know, that's great. I'm really happy for you."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "Is he going to be okay with the two of us getting married when I get a divorce?" She goes, "He'll be fine with it." So, you know, I'm like... It's just been... You know, it was bothering me all weekend. It was bothering me with this first chick, and then as, you know... Oh, the other thing about Olivia is that, you know, would you meet someone that you met in person? Would you meet someone in person that you met on OKCupid? [00:25:11]

She says, "Yeah after a couple of weeks of messaging." I was like (inaudible at 00:25:19) you know? And we've been like talking back and forth so like... You know, I'm just like, you know, every message I'm just liking this girl more and I'm just... And then just the way she said divorce, just the whole context of it, I'm like, "Oh fuck this." Just... I don't know. It just... It's something I don't want to put in a message because I don't... Number one, I don't want to just not be... You know, what if that completely offends her and I just never hear from her again? I'm trapped. You know?

THERAPIST: Okay. So... [00:25:55]

CLIENT: Because what I want to do is I want to be able to explain myself...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...that I consider myself divorced. You know? I'm de facto divorced, de jure married. You know? Which I don't want to really say because it's kind of too lawyer. You know? But, you know, I want to say, you know, we're trying to sell the house. We're trying to... We've got other issues other than, you know, getting a piece of paper from a court saying we're no longer married.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? And I just think that trying to put that in a message would be too difficult and saying that in person... You know? Plus you can grab them and, you know, shove them back down if they try and leave. But for me it's something I want to tell them in person.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? Having what I feel is somewhat of a rouse not being upfront about it which... Every woman I've talked to has no problem with the way Micah sees it but I do. You know? But I'm, you know, I'm just doing it because... And it's worked.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:26:59]

CLIENT: So I'm really torn with that. You know? And that's been weighing on me and it just keeps weighing on me more as I'm more attracted to this woman and the nicer she is to me and... You know, it came up about Cub Scouts. She was like... I was worried about the Cub Scout things because all the women that I'm getting matched up with are super liberal. So I know she's super liberal.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And, you know, the Cub Scouts...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: ...are homophobes and she's like, "Oh, you know my nephew's in the... Came first place in the derby. I was a... You know, they... You know, I don't like their conservative ideas but, you know, I was a Boy Scout something whatever in high school." I was like, "Oh, you know..." So I put in my response that... Because we started messaging back and forth last night and I put in there that, you know, I like to volunteer. You know? I volunteer to be, you know, Ian's, you know, to be a pack leader. I told you that. But I'm a pack leader. (LAUGHTER) [00:28:01]

And I said, "You know, I like to volunteer."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "I'm also the soccer coach." I said, "You know..." Because I'm like, just want to go have coffee with this woman.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? Because she's got three photos up and she even said in her comments how, you know, she really doesn't want to put a lot of photos up and I can't remember her excuse but it almost seemed valid. So she's got this really nice face shot but it's kind of grainy because the flash is right there almost like she's taking it herself. There's a shot of her sitting at a table with a friend drinking coffee and it's a fuzzy shot and they've got their coats on and scarves and... You know? And then there's a picture of her at a wedding in a bridesmaid gown with... You know? And it's kind of tilted and they're all... You know? So all I can tell is she's got big boobs. You know? And, you know, probably big hips. You know? Whatever. But nothing... You know? She's not obese or anything like that. And she doesn't have a problem with it which is so... You know?

THERAPIST: Right. [00:28:55]

CLIENT: She's not going... You know, I'm not going to have to, you know, whatever. "Oh, you're not fat." You know? Whatever. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) So I put in there. I said, "You know, if someday you ever want to have coffee, you can take some comfort in knowing that I've passed my (inaudible at 00:29:15)." (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: She's a teacher so I know she knows what a (inaudible) is so... You know.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I get it.

CLIENT: I haven't heard back but I don't know if I can keep this up for a couple of weeks without actually seeing her. Because what I'm actually concerned about is that, you know, I invest all this time... Because I spend... You know, like some messages like in the morning are just shot off but I kind of put, you know, a little bit of thought into these messages.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So it's a little bit of time. And I stopped...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:29:46)

CLIENT: And I've stopped... Just because I can't... Part of it is because I can't handle, you know, talking to any more than one woman at once. But part of it's, you know, I kind of like this woman.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:29:55]

CLIENT: So I haven't... People have been... You know, like people have been coming to my profile and I just, I haven't even been messaging other women. You know? But I'm just like, you know, "I don't know if I can do this for two or three weeks." So that's... So it's kind of, you know, between Lucille and that...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? But, you know, of course I'm finding a way to...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...sow the seeds of doubt.

THERAPIST: Indeed.

CLIENT: You know, complete lack of confidence...

THERAPIST: Low conviction that she's going to find something about you that's just going to totally turn her off.

CLIENT: I'm a drunk. It's like I couldn't tell her how shit faced I got on Saint Patty's Day. I got shit faced. Oh, I gave a woman my phone number at the bar. She was there with her adult children. (LAUGHTER) They were having a blast. I kept doing it more so because the kids were having fun. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I don't know. I was drunk. She seemed attractive. But things got out of control because when we got to the... You know, we had a brunch at like ten thirty. [00:31:03]

So we had been drinking. We go to the bar and I go to... You know? I saw that woman because I went around to the back bar because it was a big line and I got ten shots of Jameson (ph). Which I can't afford of course. And that just sent everything... You know, there was ten of us and that just sent everything out of control. One guy was just like, "I was just going to stop here for a drink." You know? So I just went back to Brian and Harry's (ph) house and passed out on their couch while they went and played Frisbee. So, you know, that's something I would have like to have regale but didn't mention it at all, didn't bring up drinking, you know, even when I talk about music and festivals and stuff, you know, like music and food. And she has... You know, she never responded about the Olivia Olivia thing. She said she was interested and I gave her a link to YouTube and she hasn't... You know? She said she was going to send me... The middle of the, the one o'clock message, she was like, "Oh, I'll send you more tomorrow." And she never really did and that's why I was kind of unsure about the whole Lucille message. You know? [00:32:05]

But then I was just like, "Fuck it." You know? Be aggressive. You know? But I was having coffee with this woman who... She was in my BMI (ph) group. I actually met her... She was writing her own networking group and in fact she was running it at the place I moved to and that's how I got the idea that we should move there. And, you know, she's mildly attractive but she's got to be in her fifties or, you know, she older. And when we first had exchanged messages, she was actually was a loan officer when I met her. And then she went into credit card processing. You know? So... You know, I told her, you know, "Jess and I are separated." She was like, "Oh, I'm divorced." And just... There was something about the messages. She was like, "Oh, we should have coffee." That seemed a little more than just two old business contacts getting together. [00:33:01]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So we went and had coffee yesterday and she's doing the online dating thing. Whatever. So we're talking about this, that, and the other. So, you know, she wanted a card and I didn't have one. So I was like, "Oh, I'll just text you my number." Whatever. So I text her my cell phone number and she texts me back, you know, "Oh, it was great seeing you." She's like, "You know, maybe we can go on a practice date." I was like, "Oh fuck." You know? So it's like now I'm overwhelmed.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) And she kept saying that... She's like, "You'll get scooped up. You know? You'll get scooped up."

THERAPIST: Oh nice.

CLIENT: That's what she said back in the text. I'm like, "Aw..." I think I'm being scooped. I don't know.

THERAPIST: Well that's pretty cool. [00:33:57]

CLIENT: And I've been sick. It's like I was supposed to take a coach's seminar, licensing thing last night which was cancelled from Tuesday. I was just feeling bad. You know, I just... I haven't really taken care of myself.

THERAPIST: Well (inaudible at 00:34:15).

CLIENT: I've got sores in my mouth.

THERAPIST: ...nice that you're also probably really very anxious about it. That you're...

CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:34:25) You know? Skittles.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:34:33)

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Yeah I would imagine probably because you're worried it's going to all end in you finding out that really, you know, these women are going to see flaw X, Y, or Z and...

CLIENT: No, I'm not worried about Lisa. There's no way I would go out with her. You know?

THERAPIST: I see. [00:34:55]

CLIENT: She's just too old for me and not attractive enough and she's not smart enough. There's nothing there. I don't even like the way she wears her makeup. You know? (LAUGHTER) She had these big black lines. You know? It's like she has pretty blue eyes if she just took away the (inaudible at 00:35:15).

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: So, yeah... (SIGH) You're right. It's been very... You know? And then the diarrhea and then of course I had like a ten thirty meeting with the website guy and so I rallied and I got to the office and I was feeling better and Ian had his Cub Scout thing and before I went I had Mexican food so of course I had Mexican food and felt like shit and didn't go to the coach's thing last night and I haven't been hydrating. I've had cold sores and I woke up and I had zits all over me. So like all these toxins are coming out. You know, I don't even know what's going on. So... And Ian, you know, I've got the toad (ph) banquet Saturday so Jess says to Ian this morning... She's say, "You know, maybe we'll skip staying over at Daddy's this weekend," without even talking to me. [00:36:05]

And he's like, "Why?" And she's like, "Well, Daddy's got something to do Saturday and I'm not going to see you all day." And I'm thinking, "You're fucking seeing him every day." You know? So we walk outside and that's the first thing Ian says to me. You know, you can't put anything past this kid. When we go on his little trips with the Cub Scouts, he calls the people on all... They're trying to say little things for kids. He calls them on it. Like they just gave them a microphone that wasn't really hooked up and had them all talk into the microphone at the Community Access place. And he's like, "I can't hear anything. This microphone's not on." You know?

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: So that's the first thing he says to me. He's like, "I see Mommy all..." He's like, "Why can't I sleep over?" I go, "You know, Mom's not going to see you at all today." He's like, "I see her every day."

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Apparently (inaudible at 00:36:55)

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Oh great. [00:36:57]

CLIENT: He always does. I've... You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So... But this woman likes the whole kid thing.

THERAPIST: Well, you know, it's been a long time since your hopes have been up about this sort of thing. (PAUSE) You know, you haven't really been on a lot of (inaudible at 00:37:25) in a long time.

CLIENT: When I asked her what, where does she like to go, you know, and whatever she's like, "Oh, all my friends have kids so usually playgrounds," and, you know, whatever. I'm like... So I said the same thing. You know, like ultimate frisbee fields. And she wanted to know what ultimate was and she thought it was cool that I've been playing for eighteen years straight. You know and whatever. I don't know.

THERAPIST: So where does she live?

CLIENT: Somewhere in the area.

THERAPIST: Pretty nearby.

CLIENT: Yeah. Closer than (inaudible at 00:38:11). I almost didn't message that woman over the simple fact that she did live in (inaudible). (LAUGHTER) Which then I said, "That's kind of wrong."

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Oh... (SIGH) (PAUSE) And I've got a client who wants me to get my bills and all this stuff to him and I'm just not... I just... I haven't been able to focus on work really. My mind has just been too...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And, you know, I'm learning that, you know, these women treat online dating as a job. Like, you know, every night when they get home they go through their messages and profile and... [00:39:01]

You know? Because they're bombarded with, you know, drunk dudes going, "Hey baby." You know? And it is... It's fucking exhausting. You know? I'm just like, "Am I saying the right thing?" You know? "Oh my God. I haven't heard from her in fifteen minutes." You know? "What did I fuck up now?" You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: "I mean, she hasn't messaged me since, you know, eleven o'clock last night. What's going on?" You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And then I don't want to log in because I don't want her to see I've been online, you know, maybe talking to someone else which (inaudible at 00:39:41). So it's like I don't even want to check up on her because she might be checking up on me. She keeps her profile private. I've already tried that. (LAUGHTER) (SIGH) Yeah, I've got a lot of shit going on.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:40:01]

CLIENT: I'm exhausted. I need to pop an Adderall and be ready to go to sleep. I'm out of Prozac. Called Micah yesterday to renew it, to up my dosage. Never heard back. She hasn't called me. But I have an older one that still has one refill. So if she hasn't... I'm seeing her Tuesday. So if she hasn't called it in, I'm just going to call in the old one and have her give me a prescription on Tuesday. You know? She wanted to see me quickly after we went and talked about all the online dating stuff. She honed in that this has been very, you know, emotionally, you know, whatever for me. You know? That's one of the things I'm kind of worried about, you know, at some point I've got to tell this woman, you know, about not everything but, you know... [00:41:01]

THERAPIST: Yeah but it's been less than a week...

CLIENT: Oh I know.

THERAPIST: ...and you haven't met her in person.

CLIENT: I know. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: But you know me. I'm trying to find reasons why, you know, she's going to shoot me down. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I'm like this, you know, crazed drunk, you know... (SIGH) The guy who was in here before talks really loud. I couldn't hear what he was saying but I don't know. Did you see the game?

THERAPIST: I actually saw in the paper this morning that they won.

CLIENT: Yeah. Fourteen seed beats and thirty three seed.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I didn't even... And that was weird yesterday. It's like the games were on. As I was driving home I was like, "Oh, I can watch the games." I didn't turn on the TV at all until Criminal Minds came on at ten o'clock. (LAUGHTER) So I like watched no basketball. I don't... I don't know. [00:42:05]

It's like I'm not even really interested in the tournament this year. I'm not sure why. You know? I did my draft and I was just kind of indifferent to it. You know? You like my armpits?

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) (inaudible at 00:42:21)

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) I know this shirt's getting a little old but I love it.

THERAPIST: I didn't say anything.

CLIENT: I know but just...

THERAPIST: Right. This is like what you do with dating. Like (inaudible at 00:42:35) Jeff's (ph) probably thinking this shirt is too old and ridiculous."

CLIENT: I'm thinking more of you're thinking, "Does he know that he has (inaudible) in his armpits?" (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) [00:42:53]

CLIENT: A lot of my...

THERAPIST: I didn't know it was preemptive.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (SIGH) So I don't know what to do. I don't know if I message this woman today if she talks to me. If she asks me do I see the kids on the weekend. She told me she has a busy weekend with birthdays, whatever. So I don't know. I'm like flying by the seat of my pants on this thing. You know?

THERAPIST: Sure. We need to stop for now.

CLIENT: Yeah. I had a check for you but I forgot it.

THERAPIST: No problem.

CLIENT: I got shooed out the door.

THERAPIST: Thanks for letting me know.

CLIENT: I'll be in here Tuesday.

THERAPIST: Maybe.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:43:45) I was nervous but... Alright.

THERAPIST: I'll see you.

CLIENT: Go Crimson (ph).

END TRANSCRIPT