TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: It adds up. (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) I bet it does.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: So they locked down Ian's (ph) school yesterday.
THERAPIST: Oh my God. What happened?
CLIENT: Apparently there was an armed home invasion in the same neighborhood and they were in pursuit of the two...
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: And they finally caught them and one they caught running down the street and the other one they caught in another house. And then they released... They called them external lockdown. So they just can't go outside. The kids had no idea that this was going on but they call you. They send you an e-mail. [00:01:01]
THERAPIST: The kids were in the school and they just kept everybody in the school.
CLIENT: Right. No one could go in. No one could go out.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: And so, you know, I'm like, "What the fuck's going on?" You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Because you always... (SIGH) Not that I am an untrusting soul but when it comes to the government I'm an untrusting soul. So I'm, you know, questioning whether this is, they're telling us the truth or not. So it's kind of an emotional day yesterday.
THERAPIST: And when they send you like the e-mail and stuff do they make it clear what's going on? I mean...
CLIENT: They did. They said that there was a home invasion and that they're searching for these guys or whatever. You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know? Logic kind of tells you the last place that, you know, a robber is going to go it into a school but, you know...
THERAPIST: Sure. [00:01:59]
CLIENT: I'm like, "Are they telling the truth?"
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: You know?
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Because you always get media reports on this stuff and they're always wrong when they first come out. You know? Like I remember I had the news on while the Sandy Hook tragedy was going on and they're reporting, you know, three people went to the hospital. You know? And then I went and ran an errand, came back, and all the sudden twenty six people are dead. You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So... But... So that was a little, real interesting. Of course I text Jess (ph) who is in at work and she gets out of work and she doesn't listen to her voice-mail. She doesn't check her e-mail and she calls me all panicky and here I am stuck on the phone with her again. Like just, "Fucking get out the phone." I'm like so fucking sick of her that just driving me nuts. [00:03:01]
I was at the house. Was it like... It was either Saturday or Sunday and Ian was sitting in this little rocking chair and he was sitting with his feet over the armrest and... No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. And Lucille did something. You know? So he yelled at Lucille for something. So I pretty angrily yelled at him, you know, whatever I yelled at him. And Jess gives me this look, you know, "What the fuck are you doing? You know? That's not necessary." You know? Two seconds later she yells... I mean, literally, two seconds later she yells at him for having his feet over the armrest that he's going to break it. So I'm just like... You know? Then I take the kids up to the library and Ian does this top secret science class. You know, I go and I play with Lucille and so Jess met us up there because they were going to something at the armory and we go outside and, you know, Ian and I play this football game and we basically... [00:04:03]
You don't actually play the game. You manage the players and you buy better players and better skills and, you know (inaudible at 00:04:09) you know? It's like a, you know, strategy kind of game.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And he really likes it. I really like it. You know, it's something we talk about all the time. And so I was telling him something about, you know, how we just got twenty five bucks or something. You get coins and you get big bucks and the big bucks you can buy better stuff and one of the ways to get big bucks is to... They've got this website that you go to and you download apps and all you have to do it download it and run it...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...and you get the big bucks. In fact, that's how I kind of got into this whole online dating thing is I downloaded an online dating app.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: So... (SIGH) So I just said something to him about, something, "Oh, we've got twenty five big bucks for something," or whatever. And Jess automatically goes and like, "What? You guys are gambling?" I'm like, "No. It's just a football game. It's part of the game. You know, you get rewards. You know?"
THERAPIST: Right. [00:05:01]
CLIENT: You buy stuff. She was like, "Sounds like gambling to me." I'm like, "It's not gambling." She's like, "Well, it sounds like gambling to me." And then she kind of smiled and laughed it off and I'm like, "Alright. I'm leaving." I gave Ian a hug. I tried to give... Lucille was... She had fell down so she wasn't feeling good. And I just left. Just like... Just fucking sick of it. You know? It's like... I mean, I always was just like, "You know, get off the phone. Shut the fuck up." You know? That always kind of annoyed me that these conversations would go on and on about her bitching about something. You know? I just... Now I shouldn't have to take it and I still have to take it. It just fucking sucks. So... Kind of in a serious fiscal bind. This condo up in Amherst (ph), I'm trying to collecting fees in the middle of getting the default against the unit owners. They filed bankruptcy. [00:06:09]
And the bank went and, you know, I initially got some money from the bank, paid for my fees. And in the bankruptcy proceeding they got permission to foreclose so they're going to pay off the fees. So they wanted, you know, so they asked (inaudible at 00:06:37). And there's still live seven or eight hundred bucks left that I don't have that, you know, when this thing's resolved, I've got to give back. And there is a guy I owe like six hundred bucks for the fantasy football league I manage and there's other stuff. [00:07:05]
And having... When I put it in Quicken all the expenses, I'm a thousand bucks in the hole. So this takes me to like twenty five hundred in the whole with nothing in the pipeline though I think I'm going to have two next month. They're streamline so the go quickly and they'll have to close the deal in a month. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I have one woman I think is sending me five hundred bucks but I mean, I've got all kinds of bills and shit. You know? How am I going to pay my rent? I'm going to have to ask my dad for money. And, you know, I got all this money for the farm. I wish I could cash those and... So that kind of sucks. I went and got Chinese food yesterday. My stomach's fucking killing me, just killing me right now. [00:07:59]
I've got this medication that I started taking many years ago for my disease.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And usually I used it when I was very bloated with gas. You know, I'd literally be on the couch in the fetal position.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: I was in that much pain from gas. And every once and awhile it was because I just ate too much. So, you know, I took it off and on and, you know, as I had less and less, you know, symptoms and whatnot, the doctor seemed a little more unwilling to give me, refill my prescriptions. And doctor... I don't know. Basically the man thought I was abusing it and wouldn't give me another prescription. Well when I was down in Louisiana, my stomach was really bothering me and my mom had a whole bottle of them for, you know, her knee or something like that. She had a knee replacement or something. [00:09:07]
So she gave me the whole bottle. So I, you know, do my due diligence. I'm not a complete moron. I mean, partially maybe but not complete. And the only drug interaction between... First of all, there's a risk to begin with of seizures. You're less protected against seizures. You're more prone for seizures. Well I've been taking this stuff for years, never had a seizure. Adderall makes it even more prone...
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: ...for seizures. And of course, going back to the moron phase, the first time I took it, I said, "Oh shit. Maybe I should see if there's any interactions." So I already had this in my system. I'm home alone. [00:10:01]
I'm like, "If I have a seizure, you know, hopefully I survive banging my head on the wall or on my coffee table, you know, don't bite off my tongue and all that stuff." Whatever. So of course I can't tell Micah because it's not a valid prescription in my name and I probably... I usually when I've taken, I have taken it way at night when it's been awhile since I took the Adderall but I was just in so much pain I was like, "Fuck it. If I have a seizure I have a seizure." So I shouldn't be drinking coffee. I should have (inaudible at 00:10:41). But I've got stop eating this fucking Chinese food. You know? I don't know what to do. But it's like every time I get kind of stressed out I just... You know? And I eat the whole fucking thing. You know? It was like once or twice I was good and only ate half of it but I'm like (inaudible at 00:10:55). And then I go and I get the bottle of Coke and just... You know? I'm just killing myself with it. [00:11:01]
And I don't know what to fucking do about it. You know, handball's going to be starting. I haven't started taking care... You know? Getting in shape or... I got all these women that want to go on dates with me. I'm fat. Saturday I get a message from the woman whose name I do not know who blew me off before because she's underwater.
THERAPIST: She who must not be named?
CLIENT: Yeah. So she messages me on Saturday. She's surfaced for temporarily. Do I want to go get a drink tonight? Well... What did I have? Oh Ian was sleeping over. I was like, "Oh, sorry. Can't do it. You know, let's pick some other time." [00:11:59]
Of course she ultimately picks Friday which I can't do anyway. I can't do that either. But, you know, I have this... On Sunday I ended up asking Olivia out on a date. And of course she says, "I would love to but..." (LAUGHTER) She has friends coming in this weekend and then the next weekend she's got to go down to Pennsylvania to officiate a wedding which I thought was kind of strange at first but then today she admitted she's a little new age so now it kind of makes sense (inaudible at 00:12:39). Whatever. And I know she works like... You know, she gave me her phone number and I know she... Because I was like, "Well (inaudible at 00:12:47) week but she works like multiple jobs, eleven hours a day, just... So... [00:12:57]
Of course I text Paige (ph) because Paige doesn't like the woman who has no name. She told me she was...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...slim and her head was too small for her body. And my response to Paige was, "Not everybody can..." Have I told you about this? I said, "Not everybody can have the proportional head and a nice rack like you." So that's my joke now is that's how I judge these women. I'm like, "Yeah, I know Olivia she's got a proportional head and a nice rack." Not that that's what's important but, you know, she does have large boobs. (LAUGHTER) So, you know, Paige, she likes, "Go ahead and, you know, meet with Miss Self Absorbed." You know?
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: Because I'm like... You know, I can't remember in my life when one woman has wanted me and now there's like two that at least want to go on a date with me.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: You know? And then last night there's a third woman who rated me four or five stars, who, you know... She likes all the bands I like. She doesn't like capital letters. Her whole thing is in lower case letters. [00:14:09]
And she likes beards but that's not a... You know? So I start out... I go, you know, "First of all, I like capital letters and I don't have a beard." (LAUGHTER) She thought I was a Jets fan. So... And then she read my message this morning. But... She's another one of these people who doesn't make her profile private and she also uses the same screen name on the dating website that she does on other boards for these bands and stuff. So I know her name's Siobhan and, you know, there's like pictures of her. She's got like a half a disco ball on her head. You know? So... (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: Eh, you know, he's thorough, right? Not shocking from someone who goes to Phish (ph) concerts, right? Just run of the mill. [00:15:03]
So I... You know, Olivia's like, "Here's my number. Call me sometime this week. You know, we'll work it out." You know?
THERAPIST: Nice.
CLIENT: So I called her last night. You know, I figured a couple...
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:15:31)
CLIENT: (inaudible) (LAUGHTER) Tried to call down because my stomach as just spinning. You know? I made sure to only eat the soup and save everything until after. And the first time I call I get, "Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh." And I'm like, "Okay. She's not the first woman to give me the wrong number." (LAUGHTER) You know?
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) [00:15:55]
CLIENT: So I call back again...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...and it's one of these... I think it's the Google voice thing.
THERAPIST: Oh okay.
CLIENT: It's, "Leave your..." You know, basically a call screener.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I leave my name and it goes like straight to voice-mail. And I know how these things work. You know? On your phone it will tell you who's calling. So either she wasn't near her phone, her phone was off, or she knew it was me and she sent me to voice-mail. And so I was like... You know, I left a message. It was of course funny and charming. You know?
THERAPIST: Naturally.
CLIENT: Yeah. And she did say she laughed when she heard it. So... So I'm, you know, I just... You know, it's the Monday, eight hours of Bones. So I just, you know, watching some Bones. I actually... There was an episode I hadn't seen. I actually called her during that episode. So you know...
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: ...I'm...
THERAPIST: That's commitment.
CLIENT: ...I'm smitten.
THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:16:53]
CLIENT: So I'm like, "Well I'll wait until she calls me back," not eating the Chinese food. You know? It's like ten thirty and I'm like, "Eh." You know? Then this other woman, you know, whatever. So I go online and, you know, I check her... I go to her profile. First of all, I set her as one of my favorites.
THERAPIST: This is Siobhan.
CLIENT: This is Olivia.
THERAPIST: Oh Olivia. Okay.
CLIENT: Yeah. And I saw that she was online at like eight o'clock and I called her like maybe quarter to nine. Whatever. You know? And I was like, "Huh." You know? And like it doesn't bother me if she's talking to other guys or... You know? I'm doing the same thing. That's I guess how the ballgame works. You know? And I know she had been checking up on my prior because she visited my... You know? And I kind of look at it as, you know, I'm in like a competition here. So I've got to sell myself. Right? That's the way I'm approaching this thing. So... [00:18:01]
I was like, "Alight." You know, instead of getting upset or whatever, you know, I just write a message or whatever. You know? Let the voice-mail. You might not notice but a lot of people say that my phone voice sounds like Barry White (ph).
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:18:21). So, you know, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. And it turns out that she says she came home... She says her (inaudible) for seven thirty. So she probably came home. She watches Bones and probably went on the dating website and then went to sleep. You know? That's what I'm thinking happened because she didn't listen to the voice-mail until morning. So... But, I mean, during the day, you know, multiple messages back and forth. It's funny because I really... I'm not that interested in really either of these other two women. [00:18:59]
But, you know, it's kind of like my back up plan. You know? I was like really interested in she who has no name.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And until, you know... I think I'd be stupid to say no. You know, there's this woman I've never met that...
THERAPIST: Right. Sure.
CLIENT: You know? So not that I want, you know, Olivia to know.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So I'm actually... I go online and do all my messages at once so...
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: ...if she checks...
THERAPIST: So any message looks like it could have been (inaudible).
CLIENT: Well when she checks what time I was online she'll see it's the time that I sent her a message. You know, meanwhile I'm, you know...
THERAPIST: Sending other messages as well.
CLIENT: ...sending other messages. (LAUGHTER) So... Yeah. Usually I come up with a cute intro and then I have cut and paste series of questions which I alter to... You know? [00:19:59]
Usually it says, "Do you like music?" All this woman talked about was music so I was like, "What was the last show you went to?" And I know she had checked the message at six this morning because I can check her profile without her knowing because she doesn't keep it private.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:20:09)
CLIENT: So we'll see if she messages me back. But she rated me so I'm like, "Well, she rated me." You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Unless there's something I said in my, you know, message to scare her. So... And I cleaned a good chunk of my apartment. I did most of the dishes except for the pots and the pans. I had papers and shit just all over the kitchen table. I cleared all those off. A little bureau that I walk in and put my keys and, you know, was covered with shit. I cleaned all that off. You know? And all of this stuff is just paper to be recycled. [00:20:53]
And I wiped down the kitchen counter. I'm thinking today I might tackle the bathroom.
THERAPIST: Nice.
CLIENT: And... You know? I mean, not that this is going to happen but what if she who has no name wants to come back to my place? You know? Because she has like four roommates. So I've got to have some semblance of...
THERAPIST: Mm hmm.
CLIENT: You know? There's no way to hide the fact that I'm messy but, you know...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...there's different levels of mess.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: And plus I just... You know, when I... You know, Ian was downstairs playing with Kia (ph) while I was cleaning the kitchen and, you know, I walk into the kitchen and it's like, "Wow." You know? I feel good. You know? It's like there's space and clean. You know?
THERAPIST: I see. Yeah.
CLIENT: So it's kind of motivating me a little bit. You know?
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: So... Yeah. [00:21:57]
I chatted with this woman I met at the stew (ph) short term unit (inaudible at 00:22:03).
THERAPIST: Ah.
CLIENT: The (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And this was the woman... She was like... She was in training to be an Episcopal priest of whatever they are. You know? And the reason we became friends was I was kicked out of a group... (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: ...one of several because I mentioned alcohol. I said, "Oh, you know, I get a drink, a shot of whiskey or something or Jameson (ph)." Right? She's got a sweater on that says, "Makers Mark (ph)." So, you know, that became a big joke and, you know, there were people who were upset that I was kicked out and, you know, she was one of them. So we became good friends and, you know, she's married to a woman and, you know, they have a kid. You know, I follow her online and it seems like everything was going well and it turns out that, you know, the woman left her and (inaudible at 00:23:01). Whatever. [00:23:01]
THERAPIST: Oh no.
CLIENT: She's had problems with bipolar and, you know, whatever. She wishes they'd put her back on Adderall and, you know, but she was glad for me. Whatever. So hopefully... We're supposed to have coffee so hopefully when she comes back in, you know...
(PHONE RINGING)
CLIENT: Micah Lighter (ph). Cancelling my appointment.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:23:33). Maybe she's finally getting the message from Thursday that I need more Prozac. Luckily I had an old prescription that hadn't been renewed from when I was ten milligrams. I tried to renew the fifteen. I'm like... I mean, I was on twenty. I tried to renew the thirty. I'm actually taking forty. So I realized that I could just renew the twenty and then when I see her today I get a prescription for the forty. [00:24:03]
THERAPIST: Mm hmm.
CLIENT: I doubt that's why she's calling me. She's really bad about that. If you call her for a prescription, you know, if you do it through the pharmacy where the pharmacy calls her, she's pretty good. But...
THERAPIST: But if you call her directly...
CLIENT: It's like I've got... You know, I went through and I'm like, "Okay. What's everything I'm going to need a prescription for today." You know? Making sure I, you know, put it in my iphone or whatever. But I was talking to this woman from the Stew. I was like, you know, I actually find Facebook to be somewhat, you know, therapeutic.
(PHONE RINGING)
CLIENT: You know? And the best part is, is that online they can't kick you out of the group. Is it rude if I listen to this message?
THERAPIST: No go ahead.
CLIENT: (SIGH) Have you ever heard her voice?
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:24:53)
(MESSAGE) [00:25:00]
CLIENT: Yeah. That'd be great. I can get Ian after school. So, yeah, you know, I'm in this position where... You know, I kind of wanted. I felt like I could only deal with one woman at a time so I haven't been going on and looking for women. You know? And then all of the sudden, you know, R (ph), that's, you know, she pops up and... You know? First I told her, oh, first I told her I was sick which I was. So I just kept drinking coffee, wouldn't drink any fluids and finally broke down and got some Gatorade on Saturday. [00:25:55]
I didn't go to the... banquet I thought was on Saturday. So I didn't go to that. Well apparently it was on Sunday. And I had already made plans with the kids and I still wasn't feeling great and I'm just... You know? I think I just... This has happened before, maybe even last year, when I just wasn't up for going. You know? Just seeing everybody wasn't important. You know? And so I didn't go. (PAUSE) But when I asked Barbara (ph) on Words with Friends on Monday, you know, "How was the banquet?" her response was, "The banquet's today." I'm like, "Oh shit." And then she said that I... It scared her that she had to check. I said, "Just ignore the man behind the curtain." It was actually "that man behind the curtain." Wizard of Oz. [00:27:01]
THERAPIST: Yeah. I know.
CLIENT: Okay. Just checking. You had this look like...
THERAPIST: Yeah. No, no. (inaudible at 00:27:05)
CLIENT: So what were you thinking about? Penny for your thoughts.
THERAPIST: I was trying to sort of put together the things you've been talking about today or get a sense of like in a more general way where you're coming from or how you're talking to me or something like that.
CLIENT: And?
(PAUSE) [00:28:00]
THERAPIST: It seems like you're sort of like eager to share and talk about this stuff that's been going on, both vent about the bad stuff and like share some of the good stuff, the stuff that's pretty exciting I think and you seem like sort of happy to talk with me about it.
CLIENT: I had been revealing not about me, you know, my mental issues. But, you know, like I admitted that, you know, I teared up during... JJ (ph) is the communications director for the (ph) on Bones.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: And she got kind of forced into the promotion. So at the end of the episode she's leaving and she ends up giving Booth a hug at the end of the episode and I just, you know... Every episode there's, not all of them, but a lot of them there's an emotional things that happens and I always get kind of choked up a little. You know? [00:29:11]
So I admitted that. You know, I admitted that emotionally it was a rough day because when... You know, she was a teacher so I wanted to find out what the... You know, so I messaged her about, you know, the lockdown. So...
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: It's a very emotional day. I said, "I'm a big sissy." And, you know, she said her dad who is a tough guy, you know, cried during (inaudible at 00:29:31). So I'm revealing a lot about myself, you know, that normally I wouldn't. You know? So I feel like... You know? It's probably one of the things I fucked up with Jess. You know? Was... And she even said that. She was like, you know, she was like, "Yeah, men who hold things inside and never let them out you've got to run far away from." [00:30:01]
I'm like, "Nice." So, yeah. So yeah, I try and tell her what I'm thinking. You know, I compliment her and so anyway when I asked her out... My style is to compliment the woman and then ask her out. So I threw a bunch of compliments at her and she said, "Thanks for the compliments" but didn't compliment me back and never commented on my Barry White voice but I don't know. I get the feeling that if I meet her and it doesn't work out that I'm going to be devastated. [00:30:57]
THERAPIST: Oh.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: Because there's always like some little... You know, there... You know, like the Bones thing. She's like, "Oh, you know, I don't watch a lot of TV but, you know, I was watching Bones." You know? Just little things like that. I know she's not a big drinker but, you know...
THERAPIST: Wait. So I don't get what you meant about the TV.
CLIENT: That she doesn't watch a lot of TV. What she watches...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...is Bones.
THERAPIST: Right. Yeah, I get that. But how does that relate to you being worried things won't work out?
CLIENT: No, it's just that...
THERAPIST: That's why you'd be disappointed.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Because (inaudible at 00:31:51).
CLIENT: It just seems like more...
THERAPIST: (inaudible) you have pretty good chemistry.
CLIENT: Yeah. You know?
THERAPIST: Now I understand. [00:31:57]
CLIENT: So...
THERAPIST: Yeah, sure. That would make it be more excited about it.
CLIENT: Yeah. You know, she's like... She's into the kids. She asks me about the kids. You know? She's like, "Do you and Ian have a big adventure tomorrow?" You know? Stuff like that. You know? So I pretend that I'm into the kids. You know? (PAUSE) Have we talked about Wil Wheaton (ph)? Did we talk about Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher (ph) on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He was Dr. Crusher's son and he was a...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...in a Star (inaudible) Academy, whatever, a training.
THERAPIST: I vaguely remember.
CLIENT: He's actually become this cult, you know, hero. And...
THERAPIST: For what?
CLIENT: Just, you know, who he is. You know? He's been on Big Bang Theory a couple times and I guess he has his own show and, you know, he goes to these conventions and, you know, people line up to see him. [00:33:07]
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: And I guess, you know, he had depression and, you know, he fought it for the longest time and then decided to break down and start taking medicine. So he... You know? He came out publicly about depression.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: He told this really, you know, you know, touching tale about this woman who came up and, you know, "You saved my life," or something like that. He gives her a hug. They're crying. You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: This is like at a signing, you know, where he's mostly just signing.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So... I don't know why I'm bringing this up. Oh. So, you know, it has me thinking about, you know, was I ever suicidal and my recollection is that I really wasn't suicidal where I tried to kill myself but that I just had suicidal ideations. [00:34:09]
You know? Like I never took...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...an affirmative gesture. And I was thinking to myself, "Well, why did I never take that (inaudible at 00:34:25) gesture?" Was it...
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: A furtive. You've never heard of a furtive gesture?
THERAPIST: Furtive is like hidden or sneaky.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: It's actually a legal standard for probable cause to usurp someone.
THERAPIST: Furtive of affirtive (ph)?
CLIENT: Furtive.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Furtive... [00:34:55]
CLIENT: So the only reason I can come up with is because of the kids...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...because I thought about that a lot. You know? It's like how can I leave these... You know, Jess's dad, his dad commited suicide.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: So that always was weighing on me. It's like, you know, I'm not going to just... you know? And... "Suggestive of guilty nervousness," but also the definition you had, "attempted to avoid attention because of guilt or belief that discovery would lead to trouble; secretive." So furtive gesture, running away, is (inaudible at 00:35:37) so maybe I didn't use that word properly. I guess you would do it secretly. You know? Only when you kill a bunch of people do you do it openly. As I've learned from Bones it's suicide by police (inaudible).
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:35:53)
CLIENT: Yeah. [00:35:57]
But... So I've come up with this... It's not a Catch 22. It's not a conundrum. It's... (SIGH) Well, basically it's this. The thing that stopped me from killing myself was the kids. The kind that made me want to kill myself was the kids. Not wholly...
THERAPIST: Not wholly.
CLIENT: ...but, you know... What is that called?
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: I don't know.
CLIENT: Yeah. But...
THERAPIST: Sort of like a conundrum maybe?
CLIENT: Yeah. A conundrum. I just think that maybe... I don't know if it's the online dating in general or my conversations with Olivia, like what am I going to tell her about me when... You know? [00:37:01]
You know, I keep looking beyond, you know, what would happen the first date which is probably a huge mistake. That's why I think I would be, you know, devastated. You know? Like she said, she likes Bones. Well, I can see us watching Bones together now.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:37:19)
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Sipping some new age tea.
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) I asked her about it. I was like, "New Age?" She says... Well, there are many things about herself. She says, "I'm a little new-agey." And I said, "New agey? Groovy. Tell me more?" You know?
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So, yeah. So I think, you know, it's forcing me to be more open, take, you know... Doing something in a relationship I've really never done. You know, flattery, you know, whatever, you know, thoughtfulness. [00:38:07]
THERAPIST: My impression is you feel a little more (inaudible).
CLIENT: And it's like I don't know if it's that I've learned my lessons or just that, you know, all that time I was just depressed and... You know? Because what really sticks in my mind was when we were... I can't remember how old Ian was and I'm sure I've mentioned this several times before. But we're sitting at dinner and I'm like literally just feeling awful, staring at my plate and Jess's like, "What's the matter?" I said, "I'm not happy." And to me that was the beginning of the end at least in my mind because that's the only thing I can remember where she got upset because I said it in front of Ian and that how can I not be happy when I've got a wife and a kid? [00:39:05]
You know, she turned it around on me like...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...I was blaming her.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: The usual... So this was like, you know, "You never open up to me." You know, you finally open up and you get fucking stabbed in the back for it. You know? So that's why I think it was the beginning of the end but it was always sticks in my mind, you know, where I was just trying to...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: ...you know, just waving the flag.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So... I don't know. I just... I think part of, part of it was I felt like I had to say nice things to these women to even get them to reply. You know, you have to. And now I feel like I've got to say nice things, number one because I believe them... But this is not like I didn't believe things before. I just didn't say them or I just didn't believe them so there's nothing to say. [00:40:01]
But, you know, after last night I feel like I'm a competition now. You know?
THERAPIST: Well, I imagine you might be like a little more hopeful or optimistic about what a relationship could be than you were before. I think... My impression is you often anticipated disaster and that you're still worried about that but your (inaudible) is more hopeful or...
CLIENT: I think...
THERAPIST: ...about being with somebody...
CLIENT: I guess I always took the tact that, you know, "They've got me. What else the fuck do they want?" You know? A card, flower, that's, you know, gift. I always used to say, "Oh, you never get me cards or anything."
THERAPIST: I see. [00:41:07]
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:41:09) but now I realize I've got to do that kind of stuff.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: You know? And that it doesn't make me less of a person or a man. I told Olivia, you know, that I actually am a tough guy, that I played rugby in college and I've got to go. "I've got to go flex in a mirror." (LAUGHTER) So, yeah. So I don't know. I guess it's accumulation of all the different things. You know? That had I known then what I know now we never would have met and you'd be broke and in the poorhouse because your favorite client was not here. [00:42:09]
Or you would have killed yourself at all the other depression clients.
(PHONE RINGING)
I want to challenge her to work on Words with Friends but if you google my Words with Friends name, it's my Twitter name for work and it also shows up... It actually doesn't show up as my Twitter name. It shows up under my personal. And for some reason, this was a long time ago, you know, when it asked for location...
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I had destitute. (LAUGHTER) So I had to go in and clean up my profile.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.
CLIENT: I kept deleting some posts that, you know, either made me look not liberal or crazy. I'm sure there's still some crazy ones in there. You know? We've got to finish up. Yeah. [00:43:07]
Pretty sure I have a check for you somewhere but I can't find it.
THERAPIST: Huh. Well, I'm sorry for what led you here but I'm glad it's (inaudible).
CLIENT: Oh. What pisses me off the most (inaudible) you know, one day when I was really having a rough time, you know, Paige told me, "Things will get better." And I didn't want to believe her.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:43:41)
END TRANSCRIPT
