TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: I got stuck behind a school bus unloading its contents. I think I was assaulted last night?
THERAPIST: Oh, my gosh.
CLIENT: It's a gray area-ish. I don't know, it was very upsetting. (sighs) I don't quite know what to do with it because… Well I mean, I'm blaming myself for not being more clear with him. And also, he was a friend who is friends with a bunch of my friends. I've mentioned him here before, this was Tom. So, I don't know -
THERAPIST: Tom's the one who's been aggressive. [00:01:14]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And while you were dancing.
CLIENT: Yes, that's the one.
THERAPIST: Has done things you don't like.
CLIENT: Yeah. I never actually had a conversation with him about any of those things I didn't like, because I didn't know how to bring it up, but I didn't want to appear full of drama, and like how you break up with someone that you're not actually dating, and I just figured I would stop scheduling playtime with him and it would be okay, and I guess not. So, anyway, I was at campus, in the office, working on the print shop, and he came in. There was a dance event that night, downstairs in the same building, so he came up. He's a brother also, so he also has access to the office, it's card access, the office is locked. So he came in to stash his backpack and other stuff, before he went down to the dance, and saw me, and came over and asked for a hug, and I said, "Well, you know, my hands are covered in lead, but you can hug me and then I need to get back to work and go enjoy Tech Squares." So he came over and he gave me a hug and then he started kissing me, and then he shoved me across the room and threw me down on the couch and pinned me down and started dry humping against my leg.
THERAPIST: Yeah, you were assaulted. [00:02:45]
CLIENT: And so I told him, you know, this is the office, anyone could walk in at any time. He was like, "Oh, no, no one's going to be in here at this time of night." I was like, I just joined the staff and Margaret, my boss, might walk in at any time and he was like, "Oh, Margaret is never on campus on Tuesday nights." I was like, "I'm really not comfortable with this," and he just kept going. By that point, he had grabbed my hair and was holding my head immobile, and I was still… This seems ridiculous in hindsight, but I was not willing to use my hands, because they were covered in lead, which is toxic, and I didn't want to get any lead on him. I don't know why that was so important to me, but it was really important to me that I not like, I don't know, touch him with my contaminant covered. So I finally got enough leverage to throw him off of me, with a judo move, a head thrust, and went back to the press area and told him, you know, you should go to Tech Squares, I have work I need to get done. And he followed me and kept kissing me while I was working. (sighs) (pause) It was really… [00:04:22]
THERAPIST: I'm terribly sorry this happened to you.
CLIENT: Yeah, me too. So I don't know… Like pretty clearly, none of that was okay, and that's all him being not okay, but there's still a part of me that things that, you know, if only I had been more clear about, this is not something I want to do, or if I hadn't offered him a hug in the first place or and I realize this is all like classic textbook victim blaming, and I don't know how to stop it.
THERAPIST: Pretty much.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) So, yeah, he kept pestering me while I was trying to work at the workbench, and he, he started complaining about how he hasn't had an orgasm in four days and oh, his life is so terrible. So I kind of snapped at home, well you know, you're dating eight people, you could fix this by calling one of them. And then he, you know, started began talking about well technically he's only dating, dating four of them, and blah-blah-blah-blah. And so I said, you know, "I'm trying to do work here and this conversation is kind of…" What was the word I used? Distasteful. You know, you've got how ever many people, like it's ridiculous, like what do you want from me? And he was like, "I want you to pin me up against the wall and kiss me." I was like, (sighs) you know, I had some hope that if I just did what he wanted, he would go away, so at that point my hands were still contaminated, so I hip-checked him and knocked him onto the ground, and then bent over and kissed him and asked him if he was happy and then told him to go to his dance and leave me alone, and he did. In hindsight, I feel really bad for giving him what he wanted.
PAUSE: [00:07:22 to 00:08:30]
CLIENT: Also, I feel like I ought to apologize to you, for getting so graphic.
THERAPIST: Oh. (pause) No, not at all.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: It wasn't even that graphic. I mean, -
PAUSE: [00:09:04 to 00:10:29]
THERAPIST: So, my impression is that you feel, among other things, like quite helpless about what happened.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And are working pretty hard to disavow it, that feeling of helplessness. And even your concern about having been too graphic with me, you know, it was partly sensitive and partly turning things around a little bit, like the concern really, is that I'm going to be too affected by your being specific about what happened.
CLIENT: Mm-hmm. [00:11:29]
THERAPIST: Which again, is a kind of offloading of the feelings of helplessness and the impact this had on you. I think it there are a few ways that it sort of concretized in what actually happened, but two of those ways are, you know, you're essentially feeling like your hands are tied.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: And your compliance in doing what he wanted. [00:12:32]
CLIENT: (sighs) It would be really useful if I could recognize red flags in relationships when they actually happen, instead of in hindsight.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
CLIENT: Or I guess I did recognize the red flags with Tom. I just didn't do anything about them.
THERAPIST: Yeah, there's something that leads you to really not want to see what's going on.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: There's probably a very good reason for that but I don't know what it is yet. (pause) Is it too sunny over there?
CLIENT: No, I'm fine.
PAUSE: [00:14:08 to 00:14:55]
CLIENT: See, I don't know what to do next. It's pretty clear my strategy of avoiding him and just not scheduling dates with him didn't work. I really don't want to have a confrontation where I have to defend my unwillingness to keep doing things with him.
PAUSE: [00:15:30 to 00:16:46]
THERAPIST: Well, I imagine that inside you're, like shaking your confidence and being able to assert yourself. And worried that in again, sort of wanting to avoid how subject you feel to what he wants.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: You'll pretend that's not what's going on.
PAUSE: [00:17:32 to 00:21:23]
CLIENT: (sighs) But I think the worse of it is the, the voice in my head that keeps saying I shouldn't have let it happen. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. Well, I guess you're trying pretty hard to hang on to that.
CLIENT: Why?
THERAPIST: Because I guess it beats not being in control of what happened, partly because of how he was, and partly because you freeze up. (pause)
CLIENT: Dave is pissed and wants to go and demand that all of our mutual friends pick between me and Tom. I asked him to please not do that. The biggest thing I want to avoid is losing any of my other friends. That's what happened when I finally broke up with Phil all those many years ago. I lost a bunch of friends over that. [00:24:36]
THERAPIST: Well, the first thing actually here, is to make sure that you're safe and do what you can to ensure that a moment like this never happens again.
CLIENT: Mm-hmm. Yeah I don't, (sighs) I don't know how to accomplish that just in terms of like practicality and logistics, because he has card access to the APO office, and I'm not going to stop doing things with APO, I'm not going to stop using the print shop, and I don't want to stop going to dances, and he's at all of them. (pause) So yeah, I really… I understand what you mean about ensuring that I'm safe, but I really don't want to change the way I go about living my life.
THERAPIST: Sure. [00:26:12]
CLIENT: I think that's completely unfair. It would certainly be the easiest way. (sighs) Yeah.
THERAPIST: I guess my point was, I hear you, I'm sure it's difficult to figure out how to sort of make that happen, and it is completely unfair that you would give anything up because of this or lose anything for it. I guess my point was to kind of underline it, because it seems to be the sort of thing you're having some trouble keeping in line.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: You know, it's not that you're concerned about losing friends, isn't a terribly important one. Of course it is, but that your safety, in terms of safety, you really are too. I don't mean that to like set that against -
CLIENT: Sure. [00:27:48]
THERAPIST: With your friends.
CLIENT: Sure.
THERAPIST: I'm just saying.
CLIENT: Right. Pointing out that it's not something I seem to be prioritizing right now.
THERAPIST: Yes.
CLIENT: Yeah. Point taken. And I'm going to have to have a confrontation with him, aren't I?
THERAPIST: Probably something is on its way. It doesn't have to be today.
CLIENT: True.
THERAPIST: Or tomorrow. You don't have to be by yourself. You don't have to be in the same room with him. I mean, it's all up to you.
CLIENT: Right. I was thinking of it in terms of this dichotomy of, you know, having a conversation online, where there are logs and records of what was said, versus a person, where I don't have to worry about him quoting me out of context and pointing to a log. But I guess it's a false dichotomy, because these things called telephones. [00:29:15]
I haven't even mentioned the lawsuit. There's this guy who has something of a reputation as a creepy stalker and abuser, and there have been rumors that, you know, he's also a statutory rapist, and he's just gross and creepy.
THERAPIST: Oh, God.
CLIENT: I know his ex-wife, I'm good friends with his ex-wife, and I don't like him, he's (sighs) he's in the same mental bucket of people as my like abusive, raping ex-boyfriend. He's a horrible, horrible human being. But anyway, a few years ago, police busted up a party at his house, where he was serving alcohol to underage women, and someone posted something on an online community I'm part of, like posted a link to the newspaper article about the police busting up his party, and a bunch of people commented on it, myself included, and now he's suing all of us for defamation. I'm 99 percent confident that everything I said meets the legal category for mere vulgar abuse, which is a defense against defamation. [00:30:46]
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: It's been super stressful. So far, my legal name has not turned up in the official complaints, I have not been served yet, but the complaint lists a hundred John and Jane Does, and lists a bunch of people by online username, so it's just a matter of time before he gets a subpoena to get the service to provide my legal name and contact information. This week has been fantastic.
THERAPIST: Hmm? [00:31:47]
CLIENT: This week has been fantastic.
THERAPIST: Oh, that just broke.
CLIENT: That just broke over the weekend.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: The first person to get served with papers got served on Friday. And yesterday, before any of this with Tom happened, Dave and I had a huge fight and he told me that I should just divorce him. I've had a rough week and it's only Wednesday. (pause)
THERAPIST: How was your sleep last night? [00:32:52]
CLIENT: Okay-ish.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. (pause) You don't seem like especially on edge or super wound up or -
CLIENT: I don't feel particularly wound up. I mostly just feel exhausted.
THERAPIST: Ah-huh. Can you concentrate on other things, do you think? [00:33:57]
CLIENT: My concentration is no worse than it has been.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Which is to say not great.
THERAPIST: Right. You're not more preoccupied.
CLIENT: Mm-mm. I mean, previous to this week, the last couple of weeks, I've been terribly distracted at work because of things with Ashley, which are still going really, really well.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: So, but you know, it really helped with the focus and concentration.
THERAPIST: Well, we should finish up for now, and then we'll talk more tomorrow.
CLIENT: Yeah. Thank you.
THERAPIST: Sure.
END TRANSCRIPT
