TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: The 26th?
THERAPIST: No, that's the third. Right. (pause)
CLIENT: I'll just go off on my meds.
THERAPIST: That sounds like a great idea.
CLIENT: Yeah. (chuckles) Maybe half of them. I'll just put them in a bowl every morning and pick two.
THERAPIST: That's not something a psychiatrist recommends.
CLIENT: It works if I work out where I mix things up and pick and choose.
THERAPIST: Are you running out of anything? [00:00:56]
CLIENT: No. No. But if I don't see her, I'll run out of the Aterol if I don't see her this week; and I have to get an in-hand prescription.
THERAPIST: Yeah, that's probably one where they won't just give you two and be done with it.
CLIENT: Yeah. You can't just call it in. She could mail it to me. I have to count how many I have. My jaw keeps popping out. Sometimes if I'm sad it's a muscle. Sometimes even my teeth. I think it's actually helped my jaw line, though. People think I'm losing weight, but I'm not. (both chuckle) So I have two things to bitch about. Mom, once again, and Jess. Normal Jess. Same old bullshit with her. [00:01:57]
My mom calls me on Friday to make sure I haven't been killed by the terrorists. When she confirms that I'm alive she's like, "So how's the dating going?" I said, "Pretty good." She was like, "Do you like any of them?" I go, "Yeah, I like the loud Irish chick." And she says, "Well, it's your life." And that was it. (laughs) So now I don't know if I like Marcia because my mom won't like her (both laugh) or... No, I'm kidding. I mean I know my mom won't like her, but that's just an added bonus, you know? She's a little loud, though, but...
THERAPIST: Marcia is Kerry and Mosby's friend? [00:02:53]
CLIENT: Right. Well, Mosby's friend; works for Kerry. (pause) We went on a date last Tuesday and it went very well. We're going on a date tonight. She says really nice things over the text. She said, "You make me smile." I said, "You make me smile, too." I never really had people say stuff like that to me before. I didn't think about it. It feels kind of weird. And, not to compare to Jess, but Jess would – if I told the most innocuous joke like how do you make a handkerchief Philce? You put a little boogie in it. (both laugh) Jess would just be like, "Ohhh." This is the joke that Marcia texted me. Why did the pervert cross the road? [00:04:16]
THERAPIST: I was thinking of a response to the last one of Jess's. That's not funny.
CLIENT: No, it's not.
THERAPIST: So why did the pervert cross the road? I don't know.
CLIENT: Because his dick was inside the chicken.
THERAPIST: (laughs)
CLIENT: That was a keeper. (both laugh) My response was – when I was doing the confirmation thing, we took this class on cults or whatever, and we had this really weird guy from community college and he would talk about all these weird sexual dysfunctions people had. One of them was having sex with chickens. The only thing I remember is that the chicken dies from the encounter, so I was like, "Well, not to be a Debbie-downer and poke holes in your dick-in-the-chicken theory, but if that were to happen the chicken would be dead and unable to cross the road." [00:05:29] That's my response. She thought that was interesting, like how do you know that? (both laugh) But actually, how does the chicken get across the road anyway if he could, if he was alive? So the whole joke just doesn't make sense. It couldn't happen. So she doesn't mind my sense of humor. It's not like when I started going out with Jess. She would just start not laughing at jokes. And then she started getting offended by them. I told her it's just like teaching Lucille to make fart noises with her hands. It's kid stuff, you know? [00:06:32] (pause)
So we got money from a settlement from the foreclosure litigation. The feds sued a bunch of banks, including mine, and they sent us a check for $4,200. Originally I'm like, "Fuck. I'm not going to tell Jess. I'll just pay my rent." Then I'm like, "I can't do that." I thought we might even get money from another. That's in foreclosure, too. I'm like, "Have you gotten a notice? Are you getting any money?" I told her the name of the company that was issuing. She was like, "No." I said, "I got $4,200." She was like, "Well, we should apply it all towards..." I said, "I've got bills. I'll give you a check for $2,100 and we'll call it a day." I haven't given her the check yet because I don't have the money covering that. [00:07:30] Last week, I think it was Tuesday, my tenant said he was dropping his check in the mail that day. It hasn't come yet. He uses some weird postal service that usually takes what, a day? It usually takes like a week with him. He does say he's got a big case coming in, a fee. Yeah, right. And then he'll be able to catch up the two months he's behind, assuming he did pay me. That would be nice. Still, it's unbelievable that I can get two grand and still I haven't paid my student loans and my car insurance I've got to figure out how to pay. I don't know if I'm going to have closings at the end of this month or not. I've got little things I'm doing that I've got to pay, maybe next month or the month after. I don't seem worried about it, though. I've been very kind of stress free, probably because I've been drinking a lot. Not a lot, as in to excess, but just... [00:08:42]
THERAPIST: Frequently?
CLIENT: Yeah. You know. So I go out with Jerry on Tuesday, I ride my bike home at about 12:30 and I'm coming across the bridge. Police lights everywhere. I'm thinking, "Oh, my God. They've got it road blocked for people driving their bikes drunk." I got home and saw it was something different. The funny thing is I wake up in the morning and Mosby started texting at 2:00 that he left the bar and he was watered down. He literally every hour until about 5:00 in the morning there was a post from him and then I guess he fell asleep finally. (chuckles) I don't know how close he was to the actual... I think he was driving through and cops were just flying by him. Usually they'd pull him over, but this time they just let him go. I went to work. By 9:00 I was out of my mind. I'm like I've got to get fucking out of here, you know? [00:09:50]
THERAPIST: On Friday?
CLIENT: Yeah. So I get car-jacked. They let the last guy out, you know? But I made it over the border to where there was only a non-mandatory shut-in shelter in place or whatever they call it. Have you ever heard that before? Like we're supposed to know what "shelter in place" means?
THERAPIST: No.
CLIENT: I think they would come up with something a little more logical about what it is. "Lock down" is a good one, but that scares people. But that's what they used. Anyway, I got to work and I couldn't get any work done. People are texting, checking the news, checking Facebook, dad's calling. "Hold on a second. I'm chasing him right now." I answered the phone four times like that. (both chuckle) [00:10:45] I'd think it was my mom calling. I'm like okay, you're doing the obligatory "I care for you" phone call, but if something happened to me you'd see it on the news. "This guy in his 40's in Andover, carjacked and killed." That's when she should call. If I don't answer, maybe she should call the police. Maybe they're calling her. They'd probably call my dad first. It may be a good reason to lock my phone, but they probably can get around that. The cop that was killed was twenty-six, campus police. He was working towards being a police officer. I don't know. Jess called Ian. We're watching TV and the channel 7 news had a montage as a commercial with the bombs going off and bloody people and Ian is sitting there watching it, so I told him everything. I always sort of couched it in "good always conquers evil" and that. These were bad people but everybody came to the rescue and the cops did a great job. They came from other towns. So I think he kind of feels better about things now. Maybe a little safer knowing that, if something goes wrong, people respond. [00:12:33]
I thought he'd have more questions. He definitely was peppering me with questions. I'm sure now that he's back in school – I'm picking him up today – we'll have some fun stuff. I don't know. I didn't see any reason not to tell him. All of those helicopters flying around and not going to school and not going outside to school is vacation. I canceled soccer practice and when I was coming back from Pembroke people were all over Plymouth out and about. Jess took the kids to the playground. I'm like, "I'm canceling practice." She was like, "People are all out." I go, "That's fine, but the city has issued, though it's non-mandatory, requested that everybody shelter in place." This is a Plymouth non-profit league. I'm not making the decision whether the kids should come out or not. If they want to go out and play they can go out and play, but I don't want to be involved with that. [00:13:35] So I went to hang out with Brian and Sam. Sam's brothers were in town. Here's a family where they all get along, they all have completely different personalities, but they're all nice. They're from the south, too, so that might mean something. I was just kind of shocked how well they all got along. She has a twin and an older brother. Her twin is a brother, too. We went to this really nice Italian place and I was talking to Marcia. We were trying to decide about tonight and I just asked her if she liked Italian. She was like, "Oh, I love Italian." I'm like, "Okay, we'll get Italian. (chuckles) I know a nice place." No, we're not going there. It was kind of like we're trying to meet halfway, you know? [00:14:40]
THERAPIST: So why aren't you going there?
CLIENT: Because I was just there on Friday. I'll take her some other time if she hasn't gotten rid of me by then. I still have always this sense every once in a while that something's not right, but it doesn't bother me like it used to.
THERAPIST: What kind of sense?
CLIENT: Oh, that she's wised up or changed her mind or found an old boyfriend or a new boyfriend. Because I ended up – I don't know why I did this – but the Jewish chick, Trish, the one with the medicine ball tummy? I sort of volunteered her to help out at the farm with some marketing for the educational program. That's their fundraiser on Friday. Well, since I sponsor, I get two free tickets so I'm like, "You know, I'll have a ticket there for you." Then I'm like she lives two blocks from me. Do you want a ride? I've probably go a little early and stay a little late, but she said, "I don't have a ride." Whatever. Paige is like, "Oh, my God. You're going public so soon." I was like, "Aren't these your peeps? It's farm people. She's a farm person." I'm an emcee so I'm going to be going out telling handkerchief and boogie jokes. I've got to get some vegetable jokes. I don't know. I figure I shouldn't burn that bridge really at all, but I still think there's no reason to blow her off yet with Marcia. Not in two days of... [00:16:52]
I'm just so busy to fit it all in. It's like fundraiser and then there's a guy playing that I really want to see. On Sunday I've got a baseball game I'm going to take Ian to and now I'm a pack leader. There's a pack leader meeting. I've e-mailed several times asking, "Where is it?" They still haven't disclosed the location. Monday I've got Frisbee. Tuesday, hopefully, Marcia and I will go out again. (chuckles) It's like every Tuesday. Frisbee will flip from Monday and Thursday to Tuesday and Thursday. I said, "You know, maybe one Saturday we can go out. I don't know. Maybe in July?" (pause) I keep thinking, "When am I getting to the point that I have to tell Trish...?" [00:17:56]
THERAPIST: Is the other one out of the picture?
CLIENT: Well, she's in finals so I'm just waiting to hear from her.
THERAPIST: Yeah, she's the one who goes under and resurfaces?
CLIENT: Right. I think that one, the thing I like about her is that Paige doesn't like her, so there's kind of another spite. Trish is the only one that I'm not spiting anyone by dating. I also see, now that I've volunteered her for this marketing thing, I'm thinking we really need someone on the board who's in marketing. So it's like on the one hand, I'm thinking I'm on the membership committee now and I'm thinking this is a pretty smart woman we could get on the board; then I'm going to break her little heart. I've got to watch myself on Friday. I don't want to seem too... maybe I shouldn't drink. That will be difficult. [00:19:08] (pause)
THERAPIST: I'm wondering if you sort of don't believe that I would actually really take interest.
CLIENT: In what?
THERAPIST: Aside from a kind of professional or a clinical one in a lot of the stuff you tell me about.
CLIENT: It's somewhat random. [00:19:57]
THERAPIST: Well, there are a few things that make me think of it. One is how you describe your mom, who doesn't, and another is your – not entirely overlapping but not unrelated either – fear that these women are going to wise up and lose interest. Then there is the way that you often, though curiously not at the moment, interrupt or undermine...
CLIENT: I'm really tired.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay. (both chuckle) That's a good chance for me to say anything.
CLIENT: I'm worn out. It was a long week.
THERAPIST: Some of that is actually like you're fending me off because it doesn't feel like I'm really interested anyway or could be or that I even care about what's going on with you or if you matter. [00:20:59]
CLIENT: I don't know. I don't have the conscious feeling about that or thought about it either way. I think maybe the Aterol seems to be less effective than it has been, which I'm not so sure that I want to tell Micah that because he'll probably up the dosage, wouldn't he? Then I'd be interrupting you every two minutes instead of every three.
THERAPIST: (chuckles) I think you were interrupting me long before the Aterol.
CLIENT: I'm just saying I'm doing it quicker now. (both laugh) Normally I wouldn't be tired from... I mean I've taken the Aterol today but I'm still just... but I've been going non-stop.
THERAPIST: Are you taking holidays from it?
CLIENT: No. I probably should, huh? I'm supposed to not on the weekend, but it's like I'm doing work and I'm doing so many things on the weekend that I feel like...
THERAPIST: You've got a need to take it.
CLIENT: Typically I only take a half in the afternoon on a weekend. Probably maybe this week I'll try and not take it. [00:22:04]
THERAPIST: I don't really know, but I've heard people talk...
CLIENT: She told me to not take it on the weekend if I... but just I'm literally just...
THERAPIST: Sometimes not taking holidays can contribute to a desensitization to it.
CLIENT: Yeah. I even thought if I wasn't so tired I probably wouldn't take one today because I've got a lot to do. I may take that the rest of the week, so I may take some days off in the middle of the week. I do my workouts. I did my workout yesterday morning and last night at Frisbee it was cold and I couldn't get loose.
THERAPIST: How are you keeping with those, by the way?
CLIENT: I think it's been very helpful. I'm seeing a lot of progress, so that's good for my state of mind.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Phil is going to be doing them before practices for like 10 minutes. First of all, I don't think that things going to pan out because once you start playing games and people who can't get there by 5:30... [00:23:03]
THERAPIST: Right. You said the one-on-one's worked much better.
CLIENT: Yeah. It feels right now like I have money for this stuff because I just got a huge check, but I really don't. But I look at it as like a co-pay.
THERAPIST: Yeah and it helps you feel better about yourself and more productive and do more that makes you happy. That's really what it's all about.
CLIENT: A lot of it's Frisbee. I want to play well at Frisbee. I'm getting older. Not that I was ever really fast; I was fast in high school, but I got fat. (chuckles) It will definitely give me more endurance and more speed and more jumping and stronger throws. I'll lose weight. I haven't really lost weight yet because I still had Chinese the other night and I'm eating poorly. [00:24:01] I went to a sandwich shop last night. I'm like, "Can I get a turkey club?" "Sure. White, wheat, dark rye?" I'm like, "Dark rye. Can I get a salad?" No substitutions. I'm like, "You won't up-charge me?" I would have had to have bought a whole salad, pay the full price; and the worst part is they're going to bring the fries out and I'm going to eat all of the fries. I guess I could have told them not to bring me fries but... That's the thing that happens when you play Frisbee. It's not that what you're ordering as your entrée is really that bad for you, you need some protein. You need some of that stuff. It's the French fries that kill you. So I'm going to try and cut back on the fries and see. (pause) [00:25:04]
I was thinking that it's like the little complements and whatever; the "you make me smile" kind of things that Marcia says are nice. like the little complements and whatever; the "you make me smile" kind of things that Marcia says are nice.
THERAPIST: That's great. (pause)
CLIENT: I feel kind of weird about the whole Trish thing, you know? But there's that paranoia. Marcia is going to sober up and find out that I'm crazy. One day I may just stop taking my meds and end up on an episode of Criminal Minds. That wouldn't happen. [00:26:13]
THERAPIST: Yeah. I don't think that would happen. I don't really know that much about Criminal Minds.
CLIENT: They're the Behavioral Analysis Unit so they profile...
THERAPIST: Is it a reality show?
CLIENT: No, it's a drama. It's really well written, great acting, and these guys are basically profilers. One of them is a genius, one guy writes books, and they all have these special talents.
THERAPIST: Kind of like [...] (inaudible at 00:26:48)
CLIENT: That kind of stuff, yeah. They fly in to wherever the crime is and, while they're not actively involved – they don't catch the guy – they're there just as a consultant. They're not necessarily coming in on federal crimes or anything like that. But in their relationships they kind of profile each other. They're this really close-knit team. That's why they work so well together. [00:27:28]
THERAPIST: How many of them are there?
CLIENT: There's Hotch. Remember that show Dharma and Greg?
THERAPIST: Vaguely.
CLIENT: Greg is the leader and he's awesome. There is Shamar Moore. He is this really good-looking black guy. If I were going to have sex with a black guy, it would be with Shamar Moore. Actually any guy, I think, would do Shamar Moore. There's Dr. Reid; he is the one who doesn't go by "Special Agent". He's Dr. Reid, the genius. There is the communications person. There are two other people. There is that Italian guy and then there's what's-her-name Prentiss, who left the show. So there are six or seven. Then there's the woman who has magic computers that bring up everything. Then there are some recurring, but those are the main – that's the team. People have come and gone, but the heart of it has been the same with Hotch, Shamar Moore, and Reid. [00:28:40]
THERAPIST: I know you watch a lot of it. [...] (inaudible at 00:28:43)
CLIENT: I didn't even know it was on and Marcia sent me a text, "I'm watching Criminal Minds." I was doing work so I got off and I watched it. At the end I'm like, "So what did you think?" And she's like, "I just got up and changed the channel." She was telling me about this show – she likes reality shows like Fashion Police – so I was like, "Whew. Now I don't have to watch Fashion Police." It's like Joan Rivers making fun of people or something like that. It doesn't sound really exiting. (pause) I paid for the meal on Tuesday. She bought drinks. I don't know at what point I've got to stop. It's hard. I don't want to go to a crappy restaurant, you know? But I don't want to go and spend $30 on an entrée either. You throw in a bottle of wine or the booze... I've got to loosen her up somehow. Boogie jokes only take you so far. (pause) [00:30:13]
THERAPIST: I know you're worried, but from what you said she's pretty into things.
CLIENT: Yeah. Did I tell you what Trish called me? "Charming."
THERAPIST: Huh. Nice.
CLIENT: That, I think, makes it harder on me.
THERAPIST: I see. It's a lot to live up to?
CLIENT: No, but it's like she likes me, too.
THERAPIST: Oh, I see. And you said something like flattering?
CLIENT: Yeah. I don't know if it's some element of dating where it's like a competition almost because I never really liked dating formally before, even when I wasn't married. Someone I knew or someone I met at a party, but not like we'd go on formal dates or something like that. Like in college, you'd hang out or go party. If you were really bored you'd go to a movie, but I never did those – ask some random woman on a date. I don't know, that may be a part of it. (pause) Why is my mom such a pain in the ass? (pause) [00:32:13]
THERAPIST: I don't know.
CLIENT: I mean, I'm 41. What does marrying a Jewish chick now...? What difference in the world is that going to make? We're just dating. Who's talking about marriage? I'm not going to go to temple like she does every Saturday or Friday night. If I find a Jewish woman and she wants to go to temple – have fun. I'll go every once in a while. [...] (inaudible at 00:32:50) Coffee afterwards. I don't feel like I get any benefit by going. I have Frisbee. Same thing. Endorphins, right? [00:33:19]
THERAPIST: From temple?
CLIENT: Yeah, they say they've done studies that show that prayer increases endorphins.
THERAPIST: Huh. I didn't know that.
CLIENT: People who pray and believe what they're praying. I mean I pray all the time, but just because I have to say the prayers. They're in Hebrew. I have no fucking clue what they mean.
THERAPIST: You go to Frisbee.
CLIENT: Like when we play rugby, on our patch the first letter is "it's not a bloody sport, it's a bloody religion." The first letter of each spells it out. People, of course, always ask you, "What does that mean – ‘it's not a sport, it's a bloody religion'?" It's kind of true, you know? I think Frisbee used to be more like that, but it's gotten kind of competitive. Only one guy came out to the bar last night. Another guy came, but he didn't drink or eat or anything, which – who goes to a bar and not even a water? So it was kind of creepy. That just never used to happen. [00:34:40]
THERAPIST: I see. There was more hanging out.
CLIENT: Yeah. And I've noticed the attendance is down. People don't stay as long, which is probably better for me because if people are going to stay, I'm going to stay. This guy on my team, I kept waiting for him. I'm like, "Do you want another one?" He was like, "I have a short walk home." (chuckles) Everything I'm doing, there is alcohol there. It's not like I'm drinking to excess. Maybe Friday I did but...
THERAPIST: It's just there.
CLIENT: And I think because of it, it's not like I'm just drinking for the sake of drinking, but I'm having drinks at home, like whiskey. My problem is I don't have a shot glass or a nice, clear low-ball or whiskey glass, so I pour it into a coffee mug. You can't really judge how much, so you throw it back and your whole mouth is like... [00:35:46]
THERAPIST: Why are you drinking whiskey at home?
CLIENT: You know. I just want one. Bored. I'm not really watching a lot of TV other than Criminal Minds or anything on after 1:00, so I don't know. Because my antidepressants aren't working. Because everyone is telling me not to drink. I don't know if you're telling me, but I get the impression you don't want me to. Oh, come on. You've got to think a little more before you start shaking your head and smirking. To say you don't have concern, I mean what are you here for? [00:36:40]
THERAPIST: There are times I've had some concerns about your drinking, but it is not that I don't want you to drink. I don't especially have concerns at the moment, but the thing about drinking at home by yourself just sort of stood out to me. It's one thing if you're on a date or you're out in a bar and people are drinking and you're having a couple – whatever.
CLIENT: I think it's more that I've become used to just having – you know. Like even last weekend, Brian and Sam came to Andover so when I put Ian to bed I went downstairs and had some beers down with them. Ian came downstairs and when we went back up I had a shot of whiskey while we were up and then I went back downstairs. Maybe I'm a budding alcoholic. (pause) [00:37:52]
THERAPIST: I don't think quite yet, but you really don't want to be one.
CLIENT: No. My liver is in enough trouble as it is. I've got other dysfunctional body parts that I probably shouldn't... (pause) I'm going to tell Micah that I haven't had any beer. I don't want her to worry. (pause) Like tonight, we're eating Italian food. I mean there's going to be nowhere to put a drink, you know? A couple of glasses of wine aren't going to do anything when you're eating clams, tiramisu... (pause) [00:39:03]
THERAPIST: Maybe we had to come around to where I was telling you that you were doing something wrong?
CLIENT: I don't know. The way your questions were kind of suggested...
THERAPIST: You mean the one question?
CLIENT: "You drinking alone has me concerned." Didn't you say something like that?
THERAPIST: No, I said, "Why are you drinking at home alone?" Because what you had just said before was something like, "It's not that I wanted to drink alone, it's just around," and so I ...
CLIENT: I'm bored.
THERAPIST: Yes, okay.
CLIENT: I like being drunk. I like a little buzz. It's relaxing. I take a half Klonopin in the morning. I don't take any the rest of the day.
THERAPIST: And, clearly, you had periods of drinking a lot more than this, so I'm not actually...
CLIENT: Oh, yeah. Thursday I had a couple of beers with dinner and I ordered a beer and she didn't put it in and then I'm like, "Do you remember me ordering a beer?" She was like, "You didn't order a beer." I go, "Yeah, I did." She goes, "Well, I didn't put it in." I was like, "Can I get it?" Right when I ordered the beer everyone decided they were going to leave. I've got a beer coming so I sit and Stan, who always stays, I'm drinking the beer and two other Frisbee players who had been there came over and sat with us. So I ended up ordering a few more beers because they hang out. Where I probably would have had two or three beers, I had five or six. I was riding my bike so I didn't want to hurt myself, which I feel less guilty about. It would probably upset someone a little bit if they hit me. They'd probably have nightmares about me flying over their windshield but... You're probably like, "Yeah. More money for the therapists." [00:41:08]
THERAPIST: I see. Right. I'm excited that somebody is going to have to deal with – whatever – running you over.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) It's funny because I was almost like – Marcia doesn't seem like the type of person who would like Criminal Minds, so I kind of knew. She said in honor of me she was watching it. I knew she wasn't going to like it. It was a really bizarre episode, too, so it's not shocking that she changed the channel. Slow and – you know. It was decent but...
THERAPIST: Is it a lot about various types of criminals? I mean you mentioned the cast.
CLIENT: Yeah, they do take on some personal cases. They seem to do a little more than what you would think would happen in reality, but because they're dealing with serial killers and psychotics and pedophiles and kidnappers – all these crazy psychological – they know this would be done by this type of person, this type of person, or this type of person. Well, why is it not this person? Well, why is it not this person? They're forming a profile of what you're looking for. You're looking for a man in his 20's who has taken online courses in criminology... They're able to give a pretty good picture of who they're looking for. Sometimes they're wrong and something happens. They argue among themselves about what something means, but the killers – and they don't always catch them – take a personal interest sometimes in these guys. Rossi, who is Joe Montegna – that's his name – he used to work, retired, wrote books, came back, so he has all these people who love his books. And, of course, all the psychos read the books, too, so they all know who he is. It's a neat little world. It's not like the normal... none of the show is about process and rights and – you know. It's part of their personality traits, like the one guy, that there's some sort of personal interests in the victim. Like Shamar Moore was abused when he was a kid, so if there was an abused kid he'd beat the shit out of the guy when they – the "unsub" is what they call him.
THERAPIST: I see. We have to stop for now.
CLIENT: So not this Friday but next Friday?
END TRANSCRIPT
