TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

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(audio starts midsentence)

THERAPIST: giving me shit about like sort of implicitly swearing and attacks. You know, like, "You're not supposed to be using words like that," or something like that.

CLIENT: No, not at all. It's not an ethical thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah, no no.

CLIENT: You cuss all the time. "Well fuck, Chad." When you're mocking me, yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I think you should come out my way. Less that fifteen minutes to get here, park, get coffee. I forgot my belt (ph). (inaudible at 00:00:31) (sigh)

THERAPIST: I may need to be out next Tuesday, this coming morning. It's sort of last minute that I'm finding out. But I will let you know by the end of the day today. And if I do need to be out I will let you know about rescheduling. Sorry for the late breaking -

CLIENT: I'm getting used to it. (pause) (sigh) I'm having a pretty shitty time.

THERAPIST: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

CLIENT: And I think it's because I'm on Well, I don't know. It's just last night I was nauseous again for Handball and I couldn't I tried to play and I couldn't play, you know. And it's like I ride my bike and I get halfway there and I start being nauseous and just, you know. Last Thursday I couldn't even play. At least I kind of forced myself.

And I had my workout on Wednesday and I always get kind of nauseous a little bit and a little dehydrated, you know, a headache towards the end of the workout. [00:01:37]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, I'm sweating. You know, it just But I was able, I mean, it was the best workout I've had.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And, so I don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm seeing Micah today. I don't know what to tell her. You know? I don't know what it is. Could it be withdrawal for two or three weeks of Prozac coming down twenty milligrams?

THERAPIST: That seems sort of -

CLIENT: Unlikely?

THERAPIST: plausible in a very general way to me. But I don't know enough about the specifics to say anything more than that. In other words, that doesn't sound like the craziest thing in the world, but I don't really know.

CLIENT: (sigh) So there's that. You know, all the other issues with Prozac, Marcia. Things just being kind of very frustrating getting out of the office yesterday. Just sort of time wise things were happening, and things didn't start going right, and I was really frustrated, and cursing at things and getting pissed at things. And I hadn't done that in a long time. You know? To that degree. [00:02:53]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then I got home last night and I was kind of pissed off, you know. You know? (sigh) This is my own fault because I keep telling myself. I'm like, "You're just making something out of nothing." But, you know, I sent a text to Marcia at like two. And, you know, it was just like, "Oh, you know, I made this connection at the bank to do, you know, some logs (ph)." Whatever. "I've been trying to do this for a while, you know. Yay!" I never heard back.

And then, I don't know, maybe some time before handball I was like, you know, "How was your day?" I never heard back. So like, you know, nine o'clock I'm like, "Is there anybody out there. Sad face." You know? She's like, "Oh, sorry, I left my phone at my friend's house." And I'm like, you know, just all pissed off. I'm like, you know, "What is going on?" You know? [00:03:51]

It's like she apologized to me because she cancelled Tuesday. She said she was really busy. You know it was another one of those, you know. Then on, I think it was like Wednesday, there was another one of these long periods of time where she's just not responding to me. And then she's, "You know, you met me at a bad time. Things are going to get better." You know, just kind of apologizing for whatever.

But, you know, one part I'm like, "Oh, that's cool." You know? At least she's acknowledging it. But then I'm like, "Well what else is going on if it's just " You know, because she mentioned money. But I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if there is something else going on or what. But, you know.

It's just frustrating and I shouldn't be frustrated because she's not doing anything. You know, she left her phone at a friend's house. You know? We're talking a couple of hours here. You know, but I just get, I don't know. I think it was a combination of everything, you know. And just getting pissed off at stupid things. [00:05:06]

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: It's like I'm saying this morning, it's like, you know, I'm lying in bed, "Oh, gee," you know, "It's almost eight thirty." You know, it's like eight twenty five and I'm still not even dressed. And I'm like, "Well, you know, I've got a couple of extra minutes because I know Dr. Chad will be late. You know?

And what happens? What happens? Yeah, you're on fucking time for the first time this year. No the second time. So that pretty much sums it up right there. You're on time today. That's how fucked up things are for me.

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: It's like I'm seeing Micah today and I just, I don't know. (pause) (clears throat) That has me anxious. I'm seeing Marcia tonight. That has me anxious, thank you. Yes, I'm blaming you. (pause) I felt like crap all day Tuesday. It was just like, you know, "This sucks." [00:06:19]

THERAPIST: My fault again?

CLIENT: Yeah. Same fault. (pause) I know I'm not taking responsibility and passing it off on you but, you know, it's the same thing with you being on time today. I was late and I'm blaming you.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Got it.

CLIENT: (sigh) Well at least -

THERAPIST: Well at least you're noticing. (laughs)

CLIENT: Yeah. I'm paying attention. (laughs) Which is I'm not. I'm like so unfocussed.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And, you know, I mean this morning is the perfect example.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's like, not that I haven't done this before. You know, it's the usual, "Oh, I don't have to be there until nine fifteen." (laughs) But there's just a lot of little things that I'm just Maybe I'm just paying attention to them more and so they're [00:07:23]

THERAPIST: I suspect this morning with me you were mixed about coming in because what we talked about -

CLIENT: Is this unconscious again?

THERAPIST: on Tuesday made you anxious and upset.

CLIENT: It did, but I don't think that was the reason I was late today. I think it's because I thought it was nine fifteen and not nine.

THERAPIST: Oh, I see. I didn't realize.

CLIENT: What are you trying to just completely sabotage me?

THERAPIST: Well, actually, I don't -

CLIENT: Once again.

THERAPIST: I think has a whole It still seems to me quite likely, I mean we'll probably never know for sure, but quite likely that it had something to with our talking on Tuesday made you feel I mean, you're just hardly ever late.

CLIENT: I'm early.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (pause) [00:08:48]

CLIENT: (sigh) I don't know. It just it extra bothers me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't know if that's good English or not. (laughs) But it's like, you know, I don't know why I was so upset yesterday, you know, about Marcia not getting back to me. You know, because it's just I mean it was like an isolated event almost. You know, Tuesday was more, or I think it was Wednesday, but it wasn't anything like yesterday. You know? And I don't know why I get so upset.

And it's like, am I upset at myself? Am I upset at her? And then I started thinking I'm upset at her and I'm like, "Why are you getting upset at her." You know? She hasn't done anything really (clears throat) other than just, you know. I mean I have to, that's just something she does. You know? I don't think it's something intentional?

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: You know.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that sounds like her.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I've got to get used to it. You know? I mean I had kind of a subtle, you know, dig there (laughs) which she picked up on. You know, "Is there anybody out there." [00:10:05]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I kind of, I think the sad face was a little extra, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But she picked up on it, you know. But, you know, that's not going to change anything.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: You know. (pause) I mean, she has a, you know I guess everybody has some level but, you know, she's got a higher than average level of ADHD. Definitely hyperactive. So you throw in my lack of focus and her lack of focus, something's going to blow up at some point.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But, you know. I think it was everything else, you know. I think it was just everything else that was going on because it was happening at the time that I was sick and frustrated about not being able to play handball. And, I don't know, I want to get in shape to play handball and the only way I'm going to get in shape to play handball is to play handball. You know? [00:11:18]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And I played Tuesday. I think I was a little nauseous. I think I've just been a little nauseous on through but, you know, I've played through -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And didn't have any issues from it. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But this is literally I play a point, I feel fine during the point. I get to the end, you know, at the end of the point I just immediately would just be overwhelmingly nauseous. And it's not even like I'm going to puke, it's just nausea.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And I just go over to the sideline and lay down and it just won't go away. And then it kind of mellows a little bit, I'd go back and play another point, I'd play the point fine. At the end of the point I'm nauseous again. You know?

THERAPIST: And how often has this happened to you?

CLIENT: My whole life. No, it's only been the last couple of weeks.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know, it's as if I just started, you know, a new medication. [00:12:21]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? But it seems to be, never before has it really, truly prevented me from doing activities. Maybe I'm like, "Well, I don't want to do this because I don't feel good." I use it as an excuse. But this was truly I couldn't play handball last Thursday and I had to stop after the half last night and didn't feel like biking home.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Even though I had to. You know? (pause) (clears throat) (pause) [00:13:27]

THERAPIST: Well my hunch is that the feeling nauseous in itself may not be psychological, it's something else. But that -

CLIENT: Well I had thought (coughing) that it was being dehydrated.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That that was my problem. But I've been hydrating and that's the other thing that's pissing me off. One of the things that's pissing me off is I'm hydrating so I've got to piss all the time. And I'm like trying to finish up work to get out of the office and I've got to pee and I just peed, you know, forty five minutes ago. And, you know, it's just (pounding sound). (sigh)

THERAPIST: Yeah. But I do think What?

CLIENT: I don't know.

THERAPIST: I do think the sort of the effect or how it feels or your reaction to the nausea is related to other things. It's like, to put it kind of bluntly, you're not performing. And I think that's related to, what that feels like is similar to the sexual stuff. And probably contributes to you're being more worried and upset. [00:14:57]

Like when you don't hear back from Marcia, than you would have a few weeks ago because I think for you it probably makes you feel like you're not doing well enough. Or something like that. Does that make sense?

CLIENT: Sort of. Well that's exactly how I feel. It's like, what am I doing wrong? Or what am I not doing? You know. I mean it's just -

THERAPIST: I think you feel a lot of shame around the fact that you have difficulty performing. No matter how much it has to do with Prozac and everything else, I think it sucks. It's horrible. And feeling ashamed about it it makes you feel like she will leave or she's not even interested in me, she will lose interest. (pause)

And then you get out there and you can't fucking play handball. You know, and that's another physical thing. You know? [00:16:08]

CLIENT: Would you attribute withdrawal from Prozac as a mental thing or a physical thing?

THERAPIST: Um.

CLIENT: Like when you say you think it's not psychological.

THERAPIST: Right. What I mean is I don't think I suspect that one possibility is that you're getting nauseous during handball because you're anxious.

CLIENT: I have a level of nausea right now. I mean I think I just ignore it, I don't notice it.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But I kind of just have been having a constant at least sort of small level of nausea.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And it just seems to, I don't know if it's because I was riding my bike that it picked up.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? Or -

THERAPIST: Yeah. You know, in some cases that kind of nausea can be caused by anxiety, you know it's a somatic reaction to anxiety. But I don't think that's what it is. I don't think that's what's going on. I think, you know, anxiety isn't making it difficult to play handball, isn't making you nauseous for handball. [00:17:24]

I think it's more not being able to play handball, you know, resonates with the sexual stuff and, you know, how confident you're feeling with Marcia and stuff like that. Yeah, whereas if the situation were different or you were somebody else, you know, I might think, well, I think you're getting really nervous about playing handball because that's kind of the proving ground for "you have it or don't you have it." But I don't think that's what's going.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:18:02)

THERAPIST: Yeah, I think so. (pause)

CLIENT: So I went and got a B12 shot on Tuesday and they had to take my blood pressure. See I'm slowly remembering all the things that suck in my life.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: There are so many it's overwhelming. (sigh)

THERAPIST: Okay. (ph)

CLIENT: Well it's frustrating because I went through, you know, feeling like there's nothing really, like I'm doing great. And now I've done a complete one eighty.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: So I go in and take my blood pressure and it was like the first one was like 150-something over 1-0-something. The second one was 150-something over 1-0-something. Let me talk to the doctor (ph) and see what he wants to do. I'll sit down and I'll see him in July which I had moved back to September, my physical. [00:19:18]

And they e-mailed me and their like, "You need to have your " you know, go to CVS and go to one of those places. Which always seems fucked up, so I go to CVS and I'm like 176 over 112. I do it again and I'm 166/106. You know? They still haven't gotten back to me. But, you know, that's one more medication I'm going to have to go on. You know?

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Just one more fucking problem. It's like I've been exercising.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I'm, you know, I haven't been necessarily eating good but It sucks because you go on the medication and then, you know, when do you know it's time to go off? It's like the fucking antidepressants.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It's like, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You go on these medications and it's like, you know, the only way to find out is for me to say, "Hey, I want to stop taking this."

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah, and to see if was still doing anything.

CLIENT: So, I've got high blood pressure. Could that be causing nausea? [00:20:25]

THERAPIST: I don't know.

CLIENT: I don't know. (pause) So that totally sucks. (pause) I don't know. (pause) (clears throat) I'm finally doing all the things to change the name on all my stuff from the partnership to me. Which is a major ethical violation to be holding myself out as a partnership when I'm not. I don't think Jess knows what liability (laughs) I've exposed her to. [00:22:01]

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Yeah, it was a big (clears throat) line of cases where two accountants are in an office together and they're not in a partnership and they're not, they're just sharing space. But the way they put their name up on the window or on the letterhead doesn't tell you that they're not partners, you know, that they're just associates.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Or, you know. So you think you're hiring a firm. You know? So that can actually, when there's malpractice, pull in the other accountant.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Because the client thought that that accountant was part of the partnership. (pause) Because it's ferreted out with malpractice insurance fees. It's an ethical thing, you know, as well. But finally got the new letterhead in my software and changed my name where it says, "Settlement Agent," which I had to manually all the time, which I forget half the time. [00:23:15]

I'm getting blinds put up in my office so you can't just look through the windows and see my mess and the sun doesn't shine in and I can't see the computer. I changed my name, sent them my d/b/a certificate from October. So now I can change the name on my door.

It's costing me seven hundred bucks to get the blinds put up. And I mean I know I can't do it myself, there's just no fucking way. And I know the guy I'm using is not cheap but, you know, he said if you felt he was too expensive or the center can do it cheaper, you know, he would tell me. And so I assume that they're about the same, you know, when you throw in the hours. The labor is the cost. [00:24:20]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: You know, it's like a hundred bucks for the blinds. But you need two guys, right? And, you know, a couple of hours. He's got to make money. You know? I'd rather him get the money than the center. He sends me business. (clears throat) New bank account which is fucking everything up. So I've got to figure out the web and [she starts to] (ph) call me on the web, and la, la, la.

Jess's driving me fucking nuts with the modification. You know, there's a local guy I'm talking with now in Andover and, "Ow, argh, argh, argh." You know? Tough Andover guy. (laughs) So he gives me all this shit I need to do. And then, you know, like it's been going on for a couple of years. "Yeah, Jess, you're not on the note. You can't include your," you know. And so she totally is, you know, I said, "Just call the guy. You fucking deal with it." You know? (clears throat) [00:25:36]

So they figured out some scam to get her income in there or whatever. And I'm like, "You take care of it." You know? But I've got to supply all the documents. So it's just, you know, it's just (sigh) At least she thanked me at the end of her e-mail when she asks for things. "I really appreciate it." You know, she sent me this e-mail about all this stuff she wanted to do. And I'm just like, you know.

And then she talked about Claire. So my e-mail was like, "You fucking call the guy. Fuck Claire." You know? I mean I'm ready to bring in an accountant I can send business to, or that can send me business -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: to sell my fucking stuff. You know? Yeah. You know. (pause) So that's another [loan modification to get her.] (ph) [00:26:42]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean I can't even remember everything. You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: This guy comes back to me every, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (pause)

CLIENT: I feel emotionally fried. That's a, you know, technical term.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (inaudible at 00:27:05) (pause)

CLIENT: And then there's this thing where I get the impression that, you know, I'm getting upset about the way Marcia, you know, responds to my texts and that she's doing the same thing as well. Because last Friday she made some comment about how, you know, for her birthday she's like, "Are you sure you want me to come over," or whatever. You know, and I was like, "Really? Really?" You know, like, you know. (laughs)

And she's like, "Well you just don't seem excited about it." So, you know, she's interpreting my texts, you know. So it's like at some point I feel like, well, I'm being overly complimentary or overly whatever. [00:28:06]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then, you know. And then I'm like, well maybe I'm not doing that enough. Or, you know, it's like I don't know what the expectations are. You know? She says she likes, you know, the compliments. You know? I don't know. It's just that, in and of itself, is a bit out of my comfort zone. You know? (pause)

I seem to have had money until I decided to go with these blinds. But I should be getting another big check in or a decent check. (sigh) (pause) (sound of cell phone alert) My closed bank account showed up with all this money in it this morning. Yesterday it was gone, this morning there's, you know, basically the money that they (ph) withdrew. [00:30:07]

And why don't you just transfer that into my personal account? But I'm sure the money's missing now from my other operating account which I can't get online and I don't know the account number for. And, yeah, stuff like that. I don't know. (sigh) (pause)

I don't know if it's because I've used this word before, but my iPhone autocorrected to psychopharmacologist, which I thought was interesting. Because I was just going to write "psychopharm," and then the whole thing came up. And it takes up like three lines of It's probably because I need to go to the doctor so I'm going to see my psychopharmacologist tomorrow. I think she was confused and thought I had two therapists. [00:31:23]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: She's like, "You really are fucked up." (laughs) (pause) So matters are only going to get worse tonight according to your reading of the situation. Because nothing good sexually is going to happen tonight. We know that, right?

THERAPIST: Um.

CLIENT: Or is that my attitude.

THERAPIST: (laughs) Where did you get the impression that's what I thought?

CLIENT: Well you're saying this whole things is, you know, the anxiety and lack of performance around sex. (pause) [00:32:34]

THERAPIST: I think you're feeling (phone ringing) ashamed and insecure about that. And I think that -

(phone ringing)

CLIENT: (whispers) Oh God.

THERAPIST: it's kind of goes hand in hand with the handball thing. And that it's also part of why you're feeling more insecure with Marcia. Like when she doesn't get back to you. But, no, I don't think that means tonight's not going to well or differently. I mean, for one thing, you're more aware of how this is affecting you and that it's a big deal and you're anxious about it. (pause) We have to stop. [00:33:27]

CLIENT: Oh God. See you.

THERAPIST: So I'll let you know about Tuesday.

CLIENT: Yeah.

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