TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Oh, it does that. Means trouble. That one too? Here, I'll open these up then we'll both sit in light.

CLIENT: You know you can buy a light that was a little brighter. I'm sure one of these lamps would take a higher watt.

THERAPIST: Yes, that one probably would. I'd rather have the natural light as long as it's out there.

CLIENT: There's a three-way, burn low but you know. So did you enjoy your vacation? You know, the only thing that that is, is just the same shit over and over again, different set of facts. Same, whatever, but an interesting thing happened when I went to see I saw Micah last Friday. And -

THERAPIST: A week ago Friday?

CLIENT: Yes. After I saw you the last time. And she would not write me a prescription for Viagra. So, and I kind of got it out of her that she just didn't feel comfortable with dosage and things like that, that in a pinch she would write a refill prescription for someone but she wouldn't -

THERAPIST: Because she doesn't feel particularly feel qualified writing them?

CLIENT: Right, right. So she says you need your primary care. It's 3:00 on Friday, so I'm thinking to myself I got this blood pressure problem that they never got back to me on coming in to see Dr. Huntsman (ph). I mean according to CPS I was 170 over heightened Stage II Hypertension. So I call up the office and I said yes, I need to get in to see Dr. Huntsman (ph), my blood pressure's high. They say well he's got a slot tomorrow during urgent care. So I went on Saturday, I left the end of the season soccer party to go up there. I know you're concerned but my blood pressure was normal. Crazy. [00:02:39]

So his take is that he doesn't really see people who take Prozac and have erectile dysfunction, that he doesn't think that's a side effect. I can't, maybe I don't think there was a misunderstanding between me and Micah about what my problem was. Dr. Huntsman (ph) says you're more likely to see delayed ejaculation, which who's going to complain about that? So he thinks it's performance anxiety and that what he thinks I should do is go back on the Prozac and get myself to where I was, where I was happy and not anxious. And that after a little while on the Viagra that I would be able to stop using it and then I would he thinks that it's not the Prozac that it's whatever.

THERAPIST: But Micah thought it was the Prozac.

CLIENT: Right. So I've been taking 20 milligrams a day just to kind of keep it in my system and I really haven't been taking -

THERAPIST: So did he write you a prescription for Viagra? [00:04:03]

CLIENT: He did, he did. Well it worked and it didn't work and I said maybe I didn't do it enough dosage. So she had prescribed me a new medication. She gave me Ativan to take as opposed to taking the Klonopin, apparently it works quicker and I don't know. I liked, as much as I don't want to be on Prozac, I mean the anxiety's crazy. It's just, it's different stuff but the same I know that there's something else; what I'm anxious about is not really why I have anxiety. The anxiety's causing me to be anxious about things that I really shouldn't be anxious about, so. What was you had mentioned that you thought it wasn't mental, that you thought it was physical or it was mental not physical. What's your take on the Viagra, Prozac, as Marcia likes to call it the Marcia Dundrum [inaudible at 00:05:37]?

THERAPIST: Well, you had seen to me really pretty anxious and also kind of ashamed about having problems.

CLIENT: The one thing about that, sorry to cut you off but it's what I do, the first time it happened, I was on the full-blown Prozac, whatever, and I just stayed on it and it didn't bother me at all. And it was only when it happened the second time and I went on the Internet and saw and I don't know why the first time I looked for it, it seemed to be a side effect and then the second time after Dr. Huntsman (ph), we even Googled it together, and I couldn't find it as a side effect. It says all the SRI's except for Prozac [inaudible at 00:06:48] orgasm. So there's a definite correlation there where there was a if I'm now anxious about it, I wasn't before when I was on 40 milligrams of Prozac.

THERAPIST: Right. What has seemed to me that at least part of the cause or the problem of sexual [inaudible at 00:07:20] is anxiety, being anxious about it and being [inaudible at 00:07:30] Marcia and it was very hard for you to talk about it. You worried about talking about it, wanted to avoid it and then feel really bad about it. I don't know anything. I'm not going to weigh in on the medication stuff. I mean I know he told you that some of the SRIs cause problems with sexual arousal, sexual function but that's much more lighter and Trautman, NTA than mine. So they already have expertise. [00:08:20]

CLIENT: Is that French?

THERAPIST: Yes, [inaudible at 00:08:26].

CLIENT: By who?

THERAPIST: So -

CLIENT: Yes, I see her at 11:15. I mean I just don't want to go through trying to find a new medication, the side effects of that and just basically starting at ground zero. Kind of just feel miserable. Except when I'm with Marcia, then my life is wonderful. But I went camping with Ian this weekend, Cub Scouts. And most times I wanted to rip his whole head off. He was usually crying at the time and I said jump over the fucking stream. He was over-tired, he had taken a group picture and they just pulled out a flag we had taken off a submarine, [inaudible at 00:10:00] cove, because it's tattered. So the kids who were just now Boy Scouts lowered it, folded it up and we took a big group picture. And some kid had said something to Ian about the Handball or whatever, I don't know, and he just broke out crying. So he's got his face in his hands, all you can see is the top of his hat in these group pictures because of just something some kid said to him he just started bawling. So I said I'm glad I didn't go get my camera. But yes, there were moments where I was just, it's been like that. A lot of anxiety. [00:10:48]

THERAPIST: That's not anxiety.

CLIENT: I'm saying and a lot of anxiety but I'm finding out I'm very edgy as well.

THERAPIST: Well maybe it is anxiety actually. [Pause] I guess I'm thinking of you feeling a little bit like Ian in here [00:13:19]

CLIENT: Go on.

THERAPIST: In that -

CLIENT: I'm tired and I'm having mood swings?

THERAPIST: No. You are sort of getting up to the edge of this plane (ph) and not wanting to jump over. You lay out the problems that you're having with anxiety, with getting angry, with sex, but, and clearly you have strong feelings about them, it really matters, but then you kind of, are kind of careful, then you kind of stop. Then it's about well so okay so how do we plan for all this new medication? Do we try this, do we go for that? It's an important decision absolutely, but it's also not really it's sort of holding yourself back from getting more into it and dealing more so with how you're feeling about what's going on. Like you're saying with him, where he's there but he's really not quite part of it; he's sort of upset and crying in the picture and, I don't know, God I can't handle this. [00:15:08]

CLIENT: He's crying because everybody's beating up on him.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: I mean I was just starting to surmise that he was a puss but he grew out of that. All the kids were, most of the kids were older.

THERAPIST: But that's probably moments where that causes stuff, [inaudible at 00:15:51] probably have been making you feel.

CLIENT: Don't worry that didn't muddy the waters at all. It makes everything much easier not more difficult. So now I'm going to have in certain ways three different opinions on what should be done. Yours is not exactly having to deal with the medication but you unconsciously have suggested your opinion. [00:17:16]

THERAPIST: About the meds, medication?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Good. You're right and if I suggested my opinion on medication it was unconscious. What are you taking to be my opinion on medications?

CLIENT: That you think I shouldn't be so quick to try and fix that I'm using the medication as a quick fix.

THERAPIST: Let me clear, because I -

CLIENT: This is not to not use it as a quick fix but that that's what you think it is as oppose to -

THERAPIST: Yes, I think you should use the medication -

CLIENT: dealing with my problems -

THERAPIST: as you know -

CLIENT: that I wouldn't have if I was on the medication. [00:18:00]'

THERAPIST: No, I think you should use the medication as effectively as you can, absolutely. But I also think you kind of use in a way -

CLIENT: I'll quit.

THERAPIST: you use the medication to -

CLIENT: I'm quitting, I'm quitting.

THERAPIST: you use including and talking about the medication to avoid -

CLIENT: Yes, I quit.

THERAPIST: You quit?

CLIENT: I give up. It's tiring. Woke up at 3:00, then I woke up at 4:00. I had to get up at 6:00 to beat traffic to get back to camp.

THERAPIST: Here's another way to say it.

CLIENT: Very tiring.

THERAPIST: There's nothing wrong with using medication; the problem is avoiding sex. And now I think actually you're kind of using medication in a different way, which is it's gone from sort of the solution as a quick fix to something that's making you feel like you're a quitter and you're not doing well enough, that if you weren't a puss then you wouldn't need it. But oh, you're having a hard time and you just were already on it. I don't think that's true either.

CLIENT: Because you threw puss in there and you knew you had to backtrack out of that. You didn't want to suggest that I was a puss, though you did or that I feel that I'm a puss.

THERAPIST: Yes, I did suggest because that's what I think that you think that about yourself [inaudible at 00:19:42]. You can tell me I'm wrong but that's what I think you think but it's not what I'm -

CLIENT: Why use the word puss?

THERAPIST: I'm not saying that's what I think.

CLIENT: I don't know if we've discussed this before -

THERAPIST: It's a word that you used a few minutes ago.

CLIENT: About my son, yes. So on one hand you have quitters never win and winners never quit, right? Have you heard that before?

THERAPIST: Yes, I've heard that before.

CLIENT: Then you have quit while you're ahead. [Laughs] That's where I am. Quitting might be the better choice. [00:20:30]

THERAPIST: What are you referring quitting what?

CLIENT: Whatever. There's no shame in quitting, if you're if it's only going to set you back. That's why I always lose all my chips in poker because I won't quit while I'm ahead. The whole casino concept is built that people won't quit while they're ahead because quitters never win and winners never quit. But if you [inaudible a 00:21:17] some early youth soccer, we're all winners. I don't believe the kids get that when I say it to them. They're asking me the score. Did we win; they lost. I say we're all winners. Okay that was a complete subterfuge, pretext, some avoidance mechanism, but it's got you thinking. Or had you thinking for a moment. [00:22:08]

THERAPIST: [Laughs] You were shutting down and I was trying to talk to you about it.

CLIENT: Dr. Huntsman (ph) also said I don't remember what is the relationship to what. It's something I'm on or doing or whatever is what's causing I'm having trouble at handball and I'm having trouble with my workouts so I haven't been doing them. But that this is all affecting my sports performance. [00:22:45]

THERAPIST: One of your medications?

CLIENT: Something, I can't remember exactly what it was but something to do with the medication. I don't know if it's withdrawal or and he's mentioned that in the past before, how meds can do that. So I'm going to my bike to the farm. I haven't ridden my bike to the farm in a long time so I'm going to ride my bike out there tonight and try and just get back. We've had a lot of rain, a lot of cancellations of handball, I've been sick at handball.

THERAPIST: Probably missed me.

CLIENT: I missed you and I'm disappointed I didn't get some snotty retort on my I just thought it was good of you to recognize that I wasn't going to make it.

THERAPIST: Wait -

CLIENT: Instead of you texting me Cameron where are you.

THERAPIST: Oh, like it would've been helpful if I'd written back and said thanks for the heads up.

CLIENT: No, I was expecting something sarcastic and .

THERAPIST: Oh really?

CLIENT: Yes, something funny. I expect that from everyone though so they -

THERAPIST: I can [inaudible at 00:24:13] that may be projection, Cameron. [00:24:17]

CLIENT: Something like that would've been funny. But yes, so Marcia's ex-boyfriend has moved out -

THERAPIST: Oh good.

CLIENT: and that's why I've been able to stay over down there. But since she doesn't have a roommate, she doesn't have anyone to let her dog out. So -

THERAPIST: I see, [inaudible at 00:24:45]

CLIENT: Right. But she does what's that?

THERAPIST: She doesn't want to bring the dog up?

CLIENT: No, she's I haven't tried. I kind of got down to the bottom of what happened and she doesn't even want to talk about it.

THERAPIST: The bottom of what happened?

CLIENT: With her dog disappearing, getting outside.

THERAPIST: Oh, when she did bring him up here.

CLIENT: Yes. So, I mean we kind of agreed that get Bibi used to it with us there so there just hasn't been an opportunity for that. But her mom comes over and lets the dog out or her friend who lives up the street and he'll let the dog out. But, so that because of Bibi it just makes it easier to go down there but then she's got a roommate, a friend of her nephew is going to be her roommate, so.

THERAPIST: He's going to move in.

CLIENT: Yes, but she doesn't know if she trusts him with the dogs or whatnot because sometimes she boards dogs. So that's been I don't mind driving to Watertown. I knew I wasn't, last Friday I wasn't getting up at 6:00 a.m. to beat traffic. And, [inaudible at 00:25:52] and all. I didn't expect to wake up at 3:00 and not be able to go back to bed but. So I'm not really sure about tomorrow.

THERAPIST: So you're there most nights now? [00:26:09]

CLIENT: No. She does overnights with this woman, from healthcare a 95-year-old blind woman, and so Wednesday night she stays over and every other Sunday she stays over. And she usually needs a night every so often to just she's constantly [inaudible at 00:26:41] so I'm having some [inaudible at 00:26:39] she runs out of gas. We're supposed to go out Sunday and that's what I'm hoping she says I'm just too tired. So and I've got handball usually Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I anticipate those are going to be cancelled whatever. I've only stayed down there about three times, two or three times. Yes, I think it's been twice.

I've got to start doing this completely put Jess in charge of the modification. She wanted to get herself, her income included or whatever. And I said you just call the guy and you do it. Tend what you need and leave me out of it. And I really want to kind of start getting working on the separation agreement. I've just been so I seem to be going non-stop and when I have a moment, like Sunday night I mean I was asleep at 7:30. Just having the downtime, I can't do work or anything or think about the separation agreement. I'm not as motivated as I have been. I really don't want to go up on the dosage for the Adderall. I think that's exactly what's going on. [00:28:55]

I'm getting the name, my name put on the door. I'm getting blinds and opened a bank account, operating account; closed the old bank account. I guess the next step is dealing with the website. I have a new URL, Cameron Swisher Cameron the letter, Swisher long dot com.

THERAPIST: Do you have [inaudible at 00:29:28]?

CLIENT: Yes, but the old URLs will work. I'm going to keep that domain and so they'll all forward. I don't even know what e-mail you use. You might even have my personal e-mail. Which e-mail?

THERAPIST: I usually send stuff to Cameron at OARM.

CLIENT: That'll still work. But I'll probably send out a mass e-mail and if you want to change it at that point you can. Monday I'm meeting with the Manager for the bank. I don't know if this is someone who's going to be able to direct me to deals or direct me to the people who are going to direct me to deals. But, and the bank actually has space that they rent out with a conference room in Essex, where she works; so she's in Essex. So I don't know, that could be promising. I don't want to get too excited but you know. [00:30:48]

There's a guy I play handball with that I really don't like. But I connected with him on LinkedIn and he's a relationship manager at a bank so he's got to know somebody. I got to start being nice to him. Actually I lent him a shirt when we play those, when we played downtown [inaudible at 00:31:07]. He's just too intense for me. We were playing down and it's the last game. We actually, we found a team to play; it's a total winless game. Everybody's drinking and I was drinking probably too much and when I'm out there I'm like oh. It's the last point and I said oh, just kind of part of it's the I'm drunk, part of was being funny. He said well if you're drunk you shouldn't be playing. God, what the hell? I just had that out there. But that really changed my whole I kind of he's an odd bird to begin with but everyone's entitled to be an odd bird but I just realized he's got just a certain intensity to him that is too much for me. It's a lack of sense of humor.

THERAPIST: Like me? [00:32:01]

CLIENT: Yes. No, I was thinking more like Jess. It's like lack of sense of Jess doesn't have the intensity even when she's pissed off too he's just intense all the time. But neither of them really has a sense of humor. Yes, things are crazy slow.

THERAPIST: Oh yes? That's too bad.

CLIENT: They seem to be I feel like things are picking up and at the same time they're slow. Seems like I've been here an awful long time. That's weird. That's just the anxiety I'm sure. I started getting a little organized, though, in preparation for the big run. But what I've decided to start doing is -

THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:34:16] to race for what?

CLIENT: For the big run in work, work -wise. I'm creating spreadsheets on Google docs or Google Drive that keep track of my closings and where, what's been done and what hasn't been done and where I am. Mileage that I had on a spreadsheet on my laptop and I never I'm in the car when I'm thinking about the mileage, right? Well I've got Google Drive on my phone so now I can and I'm going to do the same thing with my examinations, what's due, what needs me to check what, what registry. And so I'm getting organized in that respect. But I figure now during the slow time is the time to institute something like that. I've got my software changed and my letterhead, some of my closing software, income salary statement. It only took me August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, 10 months. Procrastinator's Group was last night but it was cancelled. I can see you laughing.

THERAPIST: Did they cancel it or postpone it?

CLIENT: Oh yes they postponed it, yes. Sorry. What did the extension cord call the power strip? A whore. I put instant coffee in the microwave; do you know that one? I went back in time. I bought powdered water; I didn't know what to add. It's just this weird thing. It's only been at least two of Marcia's friends but they tell her that they don't think that I like them. And she says that you just don't get him. And then she says that she doesn't get me either because I have a strange sense of humor. Did I tell you my brother was getting married?

THERAPIST: Yes. [00:38:04]

CLIENT: And that they found out that she's pregnant?

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: No. So, I [inaudible 0:38:11] a phone call that he's going to ask me to be the Best Man, which I don't want to do because I was Best Man at his last wedding that's why and I don't like him. So every day I grow more and more bitter about him never making an effort to come see Stella. So he calls me and I take the call and she's pregnant but don't tell anyone. I said is that why you're getting married? No, they just found out. Then I get a call Wednesday; on Monday he went to the County Clerk's office. They got married. They're still going to have the wedding in November but they wanted to get her on his insurance for the pregnancy. They're in South Carolina so it's not like here where everybody has insurance.

So the thing that I thought was weird, because that kind of makes some practical sense, he hasn't told his kids right away. I don't even know if he's told his kids yet. And why delay the truth?

THERAPIST: About being married or about being pregnant?

CLIENT: Yes, I mean what's a week in the mind of those kids? What's two weeks? What a month? I just don't get it. If you 're going to tell people at all, your kids are two of the people you should be telling. I know I'm not one to give parenting advice but Ian thought so. It's like who's on the job? But now my mom likes him again because he's having her grandkid. They weren't even talking for a little while there. But then he's marrying a religious woman who she was still upset I told you about her Facebook post about my house. I guess now they can keep the house; they're going to need the extra room. When the kid's born I will fly out there and see him. A good part of my body in the lake. [00:38:11]

THERAPIST: Why don't we stop?

CLIENT: Hey, finally. You didn't think I would use up the whole time.

THERAPIST: You're right.

CLIENT: I was wondering.

THERAPIST: What? [00:41:36]

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