TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: There you go. Don't spend it all in one place.

THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:00:24]

CLIENT: So it's official, I'm broke. Absolutely no money.

THERAPIST: Do you want me to shut the shade?

CLIENT: Yes, it's fine, yes. Yes, please, sure. I just had my blinds done in my office. Looks nice. [inaudible at 00:00:49].

THERAPIST: Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that you're broke.

CLIENT: Yes, I called my dad and I didn't know, I just -

THERAPIST: [inaudible at [00:00:57] too.

CLIENT: He always puts you in a situation of well how much do you want? And, I mean what $35,000? I mean, I don't know. So I asked for $2,000 and then when I started looking at my expenses that's not even going to be enough. I mean I just had $400 as a down payment for my malpractice insurance and I don't know. I mean he starts going off on me about my business and lack of business, how I don't have enough money. And I said I do more than accounting. I'm trying to grow the landlord-tenant a bit. I've got a new client yesterday. Two clients. It's just they're driving me fucking crazy. [00:02:05]

They're pulling the $2,000 out of their insurance policy and sending it to me, whatever. Just in time to bail me out of debtor's prison. I was very anxious yesterday about that, the money thing. I was just upset with my conversation with my dad. I started yelling at him at one point and he started backing off and he said what I mean is take a year and see if you can build your practice in a year. Then you got to do something. So he backtracked; he realized he was being a prick. And, I told him I'm not 100%. I'm not at the capacity that I could start learning. I don't even know where I would start as far as networking and all that crap. It reminded me of a conversation that I had with my mom where my brother and I had it easy; my poor cousin he's got it rough on his divorce because his soon-to-be-ex wife is crazy. But I had it easy, which everyone says is just denial on her part. Yes, I don't buy that. Do you? I mean is that plausible?

THERAPIST: I don't know.

CLIENT: I don't think that she's so torn with guilt that she has completely erased it from her memory or whatever or didn't even want to find out what was going on. [00:04:25]

THERAPIST: So you're saying you think that she was so the two alternative fears are one, she's just in denial of how it was for you and because she cares so much about you or she feels so bad or something and so, because she doesn't feel the same way about your cousin, she can see your cousin's having had a worse time. That's Option one. Option two, which sounds like is more what you think is she's kind of sticking it to you.

CLIENT: I don't see it as sticking it as much as just complete it's like a bigger thing. I'm glad they're giving me money; I'm grateful for that. They're helping me out. But they don't recognize why I need help, just how difficult it is to just keep things going. I mean $700 for Torrance [ph] that I got to pay. That's $1,100 right there. I haven't paid I'm behind four months in rent and my expenses have gone up a little bit but it's the income that's just not there. I'm starting to get some title examinations but that's not going to happen for a while and that's $1.75 a pop. We Ian was doing the Plymouth opener circus. [00:06:11]

THERAPIST: Is that with the stumping?

CLIENT: Yes. And, so the last performance Jess's parents were there. And I rode my bike over and they were inside and I waved to Lucille, whatever. And it seemed like intermission, whatever, and I went in there. And Jess's dad never looked up at me, never acknowledged me. There was one point where he walked right by me and I was like what the fuck? I just I felt completely uncomfortable and here I am they're from [phone rings] my kids. My phone rang? So I was really uncomfortable and I texted Jess, because I couldn't talk to her about it. I mean her mom's said hey how are you doing? And she got it later and she completely dismisses oh he's getting old and he just whatever. He didn't mean to. She was very dismissive, which I didn't appreciate. And I even told her yesterday morning and Ian slept over, I said makes me feel uncomfortable and she said nothing. And, I don't know.

I could go to the sale [ph] today. Probably should join our club. Just to help me get to know people and say hello. I already know a few people in the group. So something very interesting happened to me this week. So Marcia and I what did we do? We went to dinner; did we go somewhere else after dinner? I don't remember but we went over her good friend Nancy's house who's been having problems with her landlord who's throwing off her boyfriend and her mom lives next door, the chaos thing. I don't know, we were just hanging out over there and having some drinks and then Nancy, she said let's go upstairs. [00:09:49]

And eventually we all made it upstairs and at one point Marcia got up and left. And then she came back and she said Nancy I'm going to take your car; I'm going to drive home because I drove and you guys can hang out, whatever. I said whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? Reminded me of Spike Lee's movie about Son of Sam and there's a couple, a Latin couple, and they go to some club and they start doing all these drugs, whatever. And they end up hooking up with this other couple. And even though he's banging this other woman, he gets all pissed off at her and beats her up for having sex with the guy. So that's what kind of came to my mind. [00:10:50]

So we went back to her house and after a while she apologized, I'm sorry for freaking out. I mean I convinced her that I didn't want to stay; I'll drive her home. And she apologized for freaking out, whatever, and we did what we do. And then she started it started at night and it's the same for the day, she would say you know you're awesome. So I figured yes, she just freaked out. So Sunday night Ian is sleeping over and I fell asleep putting Ian to bed and I wake up around 11:00 and there's a text from Marcia. Now she had been just kind of I could tell something weird was going on because first there was a text because Nancy's having these rental problems and I'm helping her find a realtor. She said oh maybe Nancy can just move in with you. Ha ha, a joke right?

And then, I said what are you doing? And she said just reading. Usually when she's over, she was at the woman she takes care of, usually she's just bored and she's texting the whole time. So I'm like something I don't know. So then I get this text and she wants to get out of my way if I want to go out with Nancy blah, blah, blah. And I'm just oh brother. And I guess what sparked it was she's got this friend who she's on again, off again friends with and I never get along and they [00:12:28]

THERAPIST: Marcia or?

CLIENT: Marcia has this friend Arya and I don't know what I did. I was just joking around with Arya and Arya took it like a serious advance. And I'm assuming things have happened between the two of them, boys and whatever, because -

THERAPIST: You mean between Arya and Marcia?

CLIENT: Arya and Marcia. And I said I'm just joking. I was actually going to call Marcia over and, because they barely she barely knew me so I wanted Marcia to explain I was just joking. And during this huge fight that they had which culminated this last week that came up. And Marcia said she even accused you of actually I had already told Marcia this which I guess she forgot, I said actually I'm not exactly sure what happened but I was just joking around with her and she took it all serious and yes, I tried to call you over. So she starts out the text thinking about the thing with Arya and then whatever. And so I just wrote a long text, I diffused the thing with Arya. I said that's not who I am, you're special and pretty and smart and all that stuff, whatever. I called her and left a message and I was just like it didn't seem like it was more it wasn't like I don't want to see you again type of if you want to go off with Nancy you can like she's giving me a little [00:14:13]

THERAPIST: Yes, a little like, having the [inaudible at 00:14:15] is not quite the right word but like provocative. It's like oh fine if you never want to see me again because you think I'm awful and not worth it, go ahead and cart around my friend. That would be fine. Something like that.

CLIENT: But I kind of dozed off or whatever and she responded not too shortly after I had I think I took something for anxiety, whatever. I think I might have been anxious at that point. And I woke up and there was a text back from her and she says you know, those were all the things I wanted to hear you say and all. It's behind us and blah, blah, blah. So I feel bad because I felt oh, why did she get upset because I was I guess spending too much time, effort, whatever you call it on Nancy? I don't know the rules of this stuff, never happened before, it'll probably never happen again. At least with Marcia, I know that.

THERAPIST: That just came up out of the blue? Nancy was [inaudible at 00:15:36] there?

CLIENT: Well that was thing. Marcia's like no, she's I didn't know I was kind of egging, I don't know, I was just drunk and I was kind of egging on Marcia to me I think it's something that they've discussed, or it just was kind of the way they jumped on each other, I don't know it was kind of so anyways, so I feel bad because right or wrong she was hurt. And I was going over there last night and she was making dinner. And the first time she made me dinner I totally fucked up and didn't bring flowers and I forgot the wine, and it turns out I had something behind my back that was really cheesy and she thought I had flowers and you know. [00:16:25]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So I went to the florist and I said I've got a two-part problem. I need flowers for just your typical dinner and then there's the apology for not showing your girlfriend enough attention during a threesome. A lot of purple in that, you'd be surprised. I never thought I'd have the opportunity to say that. But she was fine last night and she just seems to keep digging her claws in deeper and deeper, you know you're awesome. And I gave her the flowers, I said I'm sorry and she said you don't have to apologize. So at least that was interesting, a little anxiety producing.

THERAPIST: What did you think?

CLIENT: What do you mean, what did I think? Of the experience?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: I don't know. Definitely wasn't worth it. And, I don't know, just not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, what did you but I really, Sunday, I was really anxious about Jess's dad and the money really just started sneaking in. And I did tell my dad I need the money now, because he can just deposit money into my account now that they're [pulling out] (ph). He doesn't have any money. He says they're [pulling out] (ph). So I don't know. Maybe I can ask Jess if I can borrow some money until maybe she can front me the money until my dad and I can just give her the $2,000. I know I just have $100. I've got to let me see if they'll take $10 a month for the rest of my life. That's E&G (ph). I've got to be on top of that. Most people aren't but I got to be on top.

Had a big visitor program I'm instituting for the chapter. I was put in charge of having a stack day and we do the same shit every time. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't work. And we really, we have no way of measuring our success. We always say oh we want to go back and there were people who came but we never we want to re-invite those people. And we've got to have some accountability. So I don't know what this thing is ultimately going to look like but I started with creating a Google spreadsheet and either people can go on there and enter the invitations themselves or they can give them to me and I will enter them. But everybody's going to be able to see it and I expect five invitations a week. [00:20:25]

And I haven't I've been very I haven't focused on is this going to make you more money, or none of that bullshit. This is what we're going to do. We're going to invite five people a week, sit down for 20 minutes, send out five e-mails. Just get some names, send them out. You don't even have to write anything in the e-mail if you don't want. And I'm going to try, I've got this smoking hot nutritionist yoga lady coming. So I'm trying to get people to think like that. So I'm going to e-mail back and say thanks, she's coming, do you know anybody else? But I think the chapter needs to have an ongoing they're threatening to kill us and if we don't get but 20 by November. We're at 16. The thing is oh my E&G (ph) membership is coming up in November too, that's a good chunk of money.

But we have, we don't have a lot of turnover, which is I mean the average is 1-1/2 members a month. But I'm looking and while we have a lot of new people, people aren't dropping out. And I just hope I can get I don't I guess there's going to be people who aren't going to participate. I just got to figure out how to handle those people. Because it's really not an [inaudible at 00:22:00] other than guilt. I'm not going to shame them in public. I mean everybody's going to be able to see it on the spreadsheet. I just want people to invite people, invite people to come. They don't all come, but. So there's something I've thrown on my shoulders I really don't need. Signed up to be a captain. Just trying to find ways to occupy myself because I have no work. We're not being a [inaudible at 00:22:47].

Big summer club tourney this coming weekend. So I got some of the chia seed, and I take three tablespoons and I put it in a glass and I fill the glass with water and spin it. Come back a few minutes later, I spin it again. And come back a while later and you've got this blob with these little seeds in it. It's a big jello tablet. I just suck it down and yesterday dinner was the first meal I had after the chia. I was not hungry, I didn't think about food, I just and I guess there was several things going on. There's the filling you up, this absorption thing that it does. And it supposedly lines your intestines or whatever and slows down the absorption of carbs. But I think just filling you up and providing water throughout the day that Eddie, my trainer, said yes sometimes I don't eat lunch until 2:00. So I'm doing the chia. [inaudible at 00:24:01]. [Pause] Yes, I'm pretty anxious.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: I don't have any I'm going to go back home and get some medication because I have the Lorazepam with me at work. It supposed to be faster acting but it just doesn't work. It just doesn't work. With the amount I took, [put it all in about a handful clump] (ph), I'm too dopey. I just want to go to the club but I'm really anxious. So now I've got to call Jess.

THERAPIST: You remember it is that going over something [inaudible at 00:25:59] walk in?

CLIENT: What's that? Oh yes. I was anxious this morning because I was thinking oh I didn't bring in my medication with me but these last few minutes it's really ramped up. I think it was thinking about calling Jess but I don't know. I know she puts money away so. I spend mine on women, booze, concert tickets. None of it on my kids. And yesterday I wanted to meet with Jess to button up this separation agreement and I had that new client meeting I scheduled not knowing, forget remembering that I wanted to meet with Jess and she's busy the rest of the week. And I just want to get it done and out of the way. She kind of wants to put it off; I just want to get it over with. It's to the point I don't even care what's in it, just -

THERAPIST: Will things be much different than they are?

CLIENT: What's that?

THERAPIST: Will things be much different than they are now?

CLIENT: I'll be divorced. That'll make Marcia happy I'm sure. I don't know. I just want this over. One more thing hanging over my head.

THERAPIST: I guess I meant in terms of the kids or money or anything like that.

CLIENT: None of that's going to change. I'll start paying child support, which actually I think I should be paying. Whatever the guidelines say I'm going to pay. And if I can't pay it, she's not going to take me to court or anything. I'll make it up to her, whatever. Just [00:28:15] [pause]

I got this landlord; she has cancer, just wants the [inaudible at 00:28:45] out of her house. And she actually didn't have any money so I took a $500 retainer and everything was just wow, this looks expensive, I don't have the money. When the $500 runs out I'm just going to go on my own. I help people like her all the time who are tenants in housing court for nothing. So it's over I said why don't we make this a flat fee? Five hundred dollars, you already paid it and you worry about your cancer and I'll worry about this prick lawyer who is a prick. He blamed her for using her cancer as an excuse to not perform her legal obligation. And initially I was going to respond to that but nothing's going to come of it. And he has a tenant lawyer so I'm probably going to run into him a lot. He may be there tomorrow when I'm there. But they refused to negotiate so my client did a few things so that's kind of stupid. [00:30:02]

My client fucked up so we have to re-file the summary process. And my client's having surgery tomorrow so I'm going to tell her to stay home. They'll force us in remediation and the tenant will realize what a bitch she's been. They don't want to give any sort of thought to her illness and I point out that she's having surgery and in 10 days she's going to have chemo and she's going to be bed-ridden and she was hoping to have a family member move in with her, which she can't now do. And this woman's been paying $750 since 2006. I would imagine she could get more rent on the open market.

So I don't think it's going to be easy for them. I've always wondered because the writ of stay of the next, of the sheriff coming out, usually for 30 days you just say you need time to look. But they got to weigh that against the harm to the landlord. I don't know. I got a pretty sympathetic landlord. I said this is a two-bit eviction case. Let's pick a date. What are your damages? And what's the name of this guy who's living there without permission? Asking questions to I don't think his client's been upfront with him about everything that's going on. [00:32:39]

And if his client could stop smoking pot and cigars and slamming doors in the middle of the night he threatened to go to superior court for some bullshit. I said, you know, that's a nuisance for my client who has cancer and if we have to meet in superior court we'll meet in superior court. Idle threat on my part but I'm just giving back. So, and I gave him what he wanted. They wanted my client to fix this lattice on a fence so a dog can't get through. And my client's broke, no income. She's got surgery on her mammarous (ph) tumors tomorrow. Your client can fix it if she wants; she's more than welcomed to. My client's got other concerns. My e-mail switched over to the new e-mail address and I don't have it on my phone and I left my laptop at work so I get to see his response.

THERAPIST: I think part of the reason it feels good to be advocating for your client is that the situation she's in where she clearly has good reason she's having trouble and it's not that hard to make that obvious to everybody. It's kind of a twist in a way of the way you feel yourself to be and kind of what you were saying earlier about your parents not getting what you have to deal with, with Jess or with money or with work. Those things are harder what with depression, the anxiety these are harder for them to see. But at the same time has such a powerful influence that you feel like they don't take into account at all. So this woman in a way you're sort of arguing something that feels a little bit like your own case. And that's part of why I think it feels pretty good to be doing. When you apprise everybody of the facts that how confident they will [come to sway] (ph), [inaudible at 00:35:35]. I mean it's been [inaudible at [00:35:36] with your parents about what you're having to struggle with. [00:35:41]

CLIENT: I know. I didn't enjoy telling my dad I wasn't 100%. I don't feel great and I don't know if he took that from the Crohn's or I don't know. It's just I got one part of my life that's doing really well, that hasn't done well probably never. And then there's everything else, which is not everything else but work's a big part of it. I mean I know there's something I can do, I just not feeling the motivation and [00:36:42]

THERAPIST: Do you mean doing the divorce or you mean something else?

CLIENT: No I think I just need to generate more business in what I do. I got to work harder at that. I kind of see this visitor program as if I can keep people in behind those are connections for me that will generate business. I've got to get on my customer relation things and just start following up with people all day. It's been tough, though. Like today I've been going to the office totally numb. I can't work like this, not the way I feel right now. And I don't know. I took an extra Adderall this morning because I was thinking I don't have any motivation. Maybe [inaudible at 00:37:26] another Adderall. Maybe that's causing my anxiety. I don't know. I give up.

THERAPIST: It's more obvious to me that it's something about talking to me that has made you more anxious. I don't know. I guess I wonder about, I wonder if you have a sense of I'm being judgmental or a little critical [00:38:25]

CLIENT: No, it's just I think about it. It's on my mind now. We were talking about this before and I didn't know why I was anxious and you said you're anxious because you've no fucking money. You're wrong, you're just wrong, it's wrong. Just talking about it, okay right now, thinking about it. I don't know; it's catching up to me. I'm actually getting my Crohn's pain now too. I think the anxiety is what's causing the Crohn's or exacerbating it. Kind of get the feeling that it's just always there and there are things that cause it to start up. And I just was probably so oblivious that I didn't know I was sick. At some point it's [pause] So when do I get better? [00:40:00]

THERAPIST: I don't know.

CLIENT: Feel like a mechanic. You fix something, then you get to talk about something else on the car that's broken. That's pretty [inaudible at 00:41:22] for the back. It's embarrassing. And I'm not telling Marcia any of this. I told her about Jess's dad and I just give a general my family sucks. But she doesn't have the details and she doesn't know about my anxiety or [inaudible at 00:41:52].

THERAPIST: Didn't this reason and her reaction freak you out as well?

CLIENT: No, not surprising.

THERAPIST: Yes, I think it's the money. [00:42:01]

CLIENT: What's that?

THERAPIST: I think it's the money and the related things that of having talked to your parents, talking with Jess. [inaudible at 00:42:22] they're just not being [inaudible] I think.

CLIENT: And I pissed a lot of money away. Maybe I need a fiscal agent. He'd have to run my entire practice. You know where someone pays your bills.

THERAPIST: Oh okay. We can stop for now.

CLIENT: See you in a week?

THERAPIST: In a week.

CLIENT: Nobody owes me any money this week so don't go hanging out at the mailbox.

END TRANSCRIPT