TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Got in from Louisiana last night. Oh no…
THERAPIST: Before we get to that. Let’s see, scheduling for the next couple of weeks. So I’m in next Tuesday. Are you around next Tuesday?
CLIENT: Probably, yea.
THERAPIST: Okay. I’ll see you at our usual time next Tuesday. I’m not in the following Tuesday, which I think is the 31st, but I am in some other days that week. Are you around that week?
CLIENT: Yea. I got nowhere to go.
THERAPIST: Okay. You want me to e-mail you if I can do something else?
CLIENT: Sure.
THERAPIST: Okay. [00:01:00] (pause)
CLIENT: (clears throat)
THERAPIST: Go ahead.
CLIENT: (sighs) Yea, so I woke up yesterday. It was like 80 degrees. It was 5 this morning. I really don’t care. People are getting off the plane whining about the weather, waa, waa, waa, (mumbling). I thought it was kind of nice, you know? Crisp, cool.
There was a chip (ph) out my car. Wasn’t too bad. (sighs) Somehow I didn’t kill my son over the weekend though. We left Thursday and I just can’t spend that much time with him without—made him [00:02:03] cry in the swimming pool because he doesn’t want to rough-house, he doesn’t want do that. Just, he’s scared. Kid’s a pussy, you know? (laughs) But, you know, the crying is not really in relation to what actually happens to him. It’s more, I don’t know, emotional, scared of what happened. I mean he literally was crying for like ten or 15 minutes because I was holding him like this (showing body movement) and I dunked his face in the water, like a brief moment of (sighs.)
He just doesn’t listen to me. He’s always touching me. Like we’re sitting in a restaurant, and it’s like, just move over. I don’t like people touching me, you know? (laughs) Like if you really want to annoy the fuck out of me, just start poking me. I don’t know, just—but I was very [00:03:08] stressed out yesterday morning between work and he was driving me nuts and (sighs) I don’t know. (makes ohhh sound) I’m just exhausted. I was exhausted all weekend. Every little thing I did just wore me out. (pause)
I don’t know if these new Concerta or whatever are helping or not. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not because I can’t even tell if it’s working or not. (clears throat) [00:04:15]
Got this stupid client whose husband has a mortgage on her house for part of their separation agreement, and I said, you need to work this—she—some of the money she claims is legitimate. You know, the child support, education expenses, but I guess her father put up money for education. I don’t know, but she expects that she is going to propose something and he’s going to accept it. I explained to her early in the process which, of course, she’s probably forgotten, is that he has all the leverage. They had a separation agreement saying he’s supposed to get [00:05:03] that much money, and he got nothing else. You know, without a court order. So I tell her to go talk to her accountant. “He’s old. He never calls me back.” I give her the name of an accountant. She doesn’t call. “I don’t want to pay for an accountant.”
Well, here we are, Monday. We’re supposed to close Friday. She at least listened to me and went to the DOR for the child support, but the hearing is Friday morning. The closing is supposed to be Friday. The broker who thinks he’s an accountant is calling me up, saying, “Well, you know the buyer is supposed to move in. Tell the accountant that the buyer’s going to move in,” and this, that and the other, and it’s like, what’s that going to do? Damages. No one gets damages for that. The seller has a right in the P and S to extend for 30 days for a title problem. Well this is a title problem. We can extend for 30 days. Buyer can’t do anything about it. They’re not [00:06:08] entitled to damages. I don’t care. I mean this guy’s got all the leverage. The only leverage we have is that he’s going to get whacked by the DOR. He’s probably willing to do that, whether he pays through this closing or they garnish his wages. He’s paying either way, so why not just, you know—plus it’s a private mortgage.
Everybody’s saying, “Oh we need a payoff statement from him.” You don’t need a payoff statement. The payoff is in the agreement. Dickhead husband gets $33,000 without interest. That’s a number ordered, part of a court order. What we need from him is a [00:07:01] release. I mean he’s not going to get the money without the release, but he’s not going to give up the release if he’s not going to get the money he expects he’s going to get, you know? If she would listen to me and fucking talk to an accountant, this would be resolved by now. We’ve been under agreement for months.
So we’ve all got to sit around and wait for what the judge says on Friday? It’s just ridiculous. Of course they call me at 5:30 yesterday when I’m at the airport. I asked if the accountant would escrow it, and I wouldn’t and they’re not willing to. They wanted me to call this guy’s accountant. Well I’m sure he’s not hired or probably using for privateering. I’m just [00:08:16] kind of tired of giving people advice. Either they don’t hear it, they don’t listen, they don’t follow it. In certain situations, I would make more money because of it. I don’t know why you’re laughing.
But, I’m not going to make any more money on this deal because I’ve got to waste my time this week trying to solve this problem which I really, in all honesty, don’t want to fucking solve. I know she’s my client, but she’s getting what she deserves. She really is. She drafts a release—you know she brings stuff to me. She had a release and whatever. I said, you know [00:09:00] this is crap. So I re-drafted it all for them, thinking that maybe she’s coming to some sort of resolution. Then he looks at it and tells her to go fuck herself. She’s just not being realistic. She doesn’t want to pay the money for an accountant. Well, now she’s going to get less money because we’re going to be spinning around and around with this guy. We’re not closing Friday. I’ll be, I’ll be surprised if we close Friday. It’s just a pain in the ass. Everything is a pain in the ass. I’m tired. (pause)
THERAPIST: She may as well be poking ya.
CLIENT: Yea. I got frustrated very easily this weekend, you know? [00:10:05]
THERAPIST: Uh-hum.
CLIENT: Micah wanted me to take Abilify. I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to take. I go see Dr. Billings (sp?) because I have this thing on the top of my head that Marcia is like oh, you know.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (clears throat) He’s like (mimicking) “Well, you know that got this thing called the telephone you can pick up and call Micah and, it’s like—(sighs) I don’t know why, but calling Micah is a pain in the ass. It’s just a pain in the ass. It’s like calling you. Do you ever answer your phone? No, because people call you while you’re talking to people, working right? And you’re running late, so you’re not trying to call them back between, you know, patients. So, after you put the kids to bed, you’re like “Oh shit,” you know, “I didn’t text Cameron back and tell him when…”you know, I mean. You’re laughing, but that’s how it goes doesn’t it. [00:11:01]
THERAPIST: (laughing)
CLIENT: (sighs) I’ve got a fucking President’s meeting tonight at fucking 5:30 in Salem. You think this guy would have some sense of just like, hey let’s not make you drive to the fucking meeting in the fucking snow. This isn’t that important. I’ve got to drive all the way down to Watertown. It’s like, maybe I can see if Patricia will go to the meeting, I don’t know.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Patricia. My Vice-President. See if she’ll go because I don’t want to get stuck in all the snow. I’ve still got to go to the office today. Because hopefully there is money waiting for me and supposed to be in court tomorrow, but the status conference and [00:12:15] this dickhead accountant is, you know, duh. The woman who is trying to get a conservatorship on my client’s mom. Her doctor is on vacation till the 5th, so the doctor can’t do a medical screen yet. He sends me an e-mail, like he’s trying to educate me. (mimicking) “Well, it doesn’t have to be a doctor. It can be a nurse practitioner, (making arrrr noise.) I said, “Unlike you, I don’t tell people how to do their jobs.” If I don’t have a medical certificate today, yea, I’ll call them, what’s going on? But he sends me an e-mail about continuing. (mimicking) “You [00:13:02] know, I don’t know if my clients are going to be happy and be willing to change the hearing. They’re going to want your client to explain why you don’t follow your obligations.” So I replied to him, I said “Well, as you know, the doctor was out of town.” I said “Her grandmother died a week ago and I’m currently on a pre-scheduled trip. That’s what I’m going to tell them. You can tell your client that’s what I’m going to tell them.” The response was a proposed Motion to Continue. It’s like, just be civil, you know? I’m just (grunting noise) [00:14:22] (pause).
Got Marcia Christmas presents even though she said not to. I don’t want her to—She has this problem. I don’t know if—I’m probably going to get fucked on this anyway—she’s not this type of person though, but the dogs, she’s got the Highlander, and the dogs will jump in the front seat. They’ll lick her. They’ll jump on her lap. It’s dangerous, you know. She keeps saying [00:15:01] “I need to get one of those guards. I need to get one of those guards.” Well for the front seat, you actually need to get two pieces. You need the gate that goes across, behind your head, but you have that space between the two seats, so you’ve got to get a thing for that too. They do, they sell them separately, and I got a really good price on Amazon. The bar thing costs like $72 and one of the people on Amazon was selling it for that, but another one was selling it, like 30 percent off free shipping. But if I had gotten that for Jess, she’d be like, “Oh you got me something I needed, not something I wanted.” You know? Nothing shiny or thoughtful or—I don’t think Marcia is going to do that. I bought some toys for her dog. She sends me a picture of her dog with the caption “I miss my daddy.” So Kong makes these toys out of tennis ball material and they’ve got a squeaky sound, so I got the dumbbell. I got the football and I got the [00:16:25] donut. So we’ll see how quickly Bibi (sp?) destroys it, but. It’s Kong, they should last a little bit I guess, I don’t know. (yawns) I don’t know if you can tell that I’m tired.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: I got the jet lag or whatever lag or depression or mood issues. For some reason my shoulder is hurting. I keep talking about my hand. I need to go to the chiropractor. I don’t feel like going to the chiropractor. I don’t feel like doing anything. Completely [00:17:12] unmotivated. That’s why I’m thinking this conservator shit is not working. We go to the restaurant. The woman tells me the list of sides. I couldn’t remember a single one. I knew potato and French fries and veggies because that’s always included on the list. I mean literally, when she finished, I’m like, “Can you repeat that?” (pause)
I really have nothing going on this week except for Friday. I’ve got this closing I don’t even know if they want me to go to or not. Tracy, her son Kai, his best friend passed away [00:18:16] about a month ago.
THERAPIST: Oh gosh.
CLIENT: In his sleep. A young guy.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: I kept asking them what happened and they haven’t said anything yet, but they’re have a memorial in the morning on Friday and funeral to follow and then they’re going back to their house. Ian has a junior chorus concert. Well it’s not a junior chorus concert. It’s everybody in the fucking school concert, so who knows how long I’m going to be there. There’s 1st grade, 2nd grade, you know. Of course it’s all going to suck, but you’ve got to go. [00:19:01] (pause)
I made a five year old girl cry. She kept calling me a sucker and her parents are right there. I’m just like, this is appropriate behavior from a 5-year-old? I told the 5-year-old girl “I don’t suck, I lick.” She didn’t get it. (chuckle) Her parents thought that was funny. So I went in the pool. I picked her up. I threw her and she went, (slam) right on her back. So I got out of the pool and she kept calling me names or whatever, so I go back in the pool. She had said that it hurt her back and so, “Well this time it’s going to hurt your face” and I threw her right on her face. All of a sudden she’s not calling me names anymore. So what I do? You think I’m just going to let it go and…[00:20:08]
THERAPIST: See you’ve got to leave the kids alone, Cameron.
CLIENT: I get in the face of a 5-yearold girl, “Are you going to cry? Come on, cry.” (chuckle) I don’t know why I do this stuff.
THERAPIST: Umm. Are you feeling like a 5-year-old girl Cameron?
CLIENT: I’m not feeling like a 5-year-old girl.
THERAPIST: Everybody and everything getting in your face?
CLIENT: I was in her face, but…
THERAPIST: But everything else is in your face. Everybody’s poking you. Everybody’s giving you a hard time. Everybody’s making your life…
CLIENT: The flight was delayed. I yelled at the lady.
THERAPIST: There we go, yea. Yea, I think, I think you’re the 5-year-old girl and everybody is getting in your face.
CLIENT: Can I be a 5-year-old boy?
THERAPIST: Whatever you like. [00:21:02]
CLIENT: You drive to the airport. Everything is on time. Incoming flight from the islands, on time. You get to the airport, it’s now a half hour delay. So we go and get something to eat. So instead, it’s supposed to be—the delay was to 6:00. We get to the gate at 6:10 . What’s going on. What’s going on. We go up there and it’s now 6:35. So I went up to the woman and the plane has been there for 45 minutes. Based on the schedule of the incoming flight and the schedule of the outgoing, our flight, and boarding, it came to about a 20 minute turnaround and it’s been there like 45 minutes. So I was like, “Why is there a delay?” She’s like “The plane came in late.” I’m like, “Yea, but like the plane has been sitting there for 45 minutes.” She’s like “Well we’ve got to turn it around.” I said, “That takes you 20 minutes.” She’s like “No, no.” I said “Listen, I know it takes you 20 minutes. That’s how the schedule is set up.” She’s like “Well, [00:22:22] we’ve got to, we’ve got to let the ground know and we’ve got to set a time.” I said “You set three different times and now you’ve got to wait till 6:35 because someone went to the bar and they’re drinking and they’re not going to show up till 6:32. So we’ve got to wait for everybody now.” I said “Why do you pick 6:35 when you know it takes you 20 minutes to flip around the fucking plane.”
Ian doesn’t care, even though I’m bitching. You know, “If I treated people like this in my business, I’d have no customers that you need.” There’s no “Oh you know we’ll give [00:23:05] everybody this, we’ll give every…” It’s just—and everybody stands around and accepts it as, like, this is just fine and dandy. I’m like they wonder why people have fucking air rage. There’s no announcement. There’s nothing. They just—there’s no apology. The woman smiles at me. As I turn the corner, I said to Ian, “She can go to hell.” I get on the plane and one of the stewardesses is like (mimicking) “Hi, how ya doing?” I’m like “I’m pretty fucking pissed off right now.” “Sorry to hear that.”
The thing that always drives me crazy is it’s like, okay, they make a time, you know? The three hour and ten minute flight turned into a two hour and 29 minute flight. Well, why isn’t a two hour and 29 minute flight to begin with? So they can save money on gas. (pause) [00:24:16]
Then I sent an e-mail to the other accountant about the continuance. I said “The Motion looks fine, except for the date you picked, the 18th of January is a Saturday. Judge probably doesn’t want to show up that day, and you’re authorized to sign my name.” I don’t hear a thing back. You can fax this shit. Fucking staff’s conference. Hey I sent it over, or okay I’ll change it, or you know? I mean he’s a nice guy. He’s just, you know how Jewish [00:25:28] people can be? Annoying. (pause)
I have never told you my pedophile jokes have you? I told you that people told me to stop saying pedophile jokes?
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: My step-brother, Drew, he’s like “Ahh, I got the most offensive joke in the world.” I’m like I can top it.” “What’s your joke?” He’s like, “A pedophile goes in the woods with a 4-year-old kid. Kid starts crying, ‘I’m scared, I’m scared.’ The pedophile looks at him, goes ‘you’re scared? I’m the one that’s gotta walk out of here alone!’” (chuckles) So my [00:26:25] joke, which tops that (chuckles) is “What’s better than sex with a 4-year-old? Nothing.” (chuckles) I know it’s sick, but it’s still funny. “What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.” (chuckles) (sighs) [00:27:23] (pause)
THERAPIST: I think there’s something that is kind of a release about the pedophile jokes for you. Like, you’re really not that bad (chuckling).
CLIENT: I like them because they really bother people. Some people laugh, but other people are like, ohh, you know?
THERAPIST: But I think you knew that wasn’t going to really bother me, you know? [00:28:07]
CLIENT: I knew it wasn’t bothering Drew. I mean, you know? I know Marcia doesn’t like them. I’m not going to tell her my new pedophile joke, unless I get really drunk. (pause)
I’m going through, you know I need a vacation from the vacation thing right now. It’s like—It’s like I come in late. I’ve got to clear out my car. Go to bed. Wake up and just—it’s not like sh—people were, it’s Monday. Everybody is calling over me for that. [00:29:03]
THERAPIST: I think, with a lot of the stuff you’ve been saying, I think you’d rather be an asshole than vulnerable. You would rather tell the story about being mean to kids than talk about how every little thing is driving you fucking crazy.
CLIENT: I think I told you about both of those.
THERAPIST: Yea, you have, but I think you gravitate to the former to get away from the latter.
CLIENT: I can’t remember which one you (inaudible) Mean to kids…(small pause)
THERAPIST: It’s easier to make the 5-year-old girl cry than to stay with how some [00:30:20] little kid is really getting to you by calling you a sucker head.
CLIENT: She wasn’t getting to me.
THERAPIST: Oh yes she was.
CLIENT: I got to use my joke, I don’t suck, I lick.
THERAPIST: Why did you throw her on her face?
CLIENT: To shut her up. Because her parents wouldn’t shut her up and Flo…
THERAPIST: Yea, you needed to shut her up because she was getting to you. She was getting under your skin.
CLIENT: And Flo is like telling me how disciplined her son is with her and I’m like “Yea, they both just sat there. They told her to stop saying it once.” The first time Ian [00:31:04] said it, I would have been all over him and if he had said it again, I would have said, very loudly, “I just told you not to say that” and he wouldn’t say it again for at least an hour.
THERAPIST: I wonder if you’re telling me that I’m a very lax parent and I should be really getting on you for (chuckling) lots of things that you’re saying (chuckling) and getting you in line.
CLIENT: I’m beyond help in that regard. You’re going to tell me I’m not, but…
THERAPIST: Well, no, I think you wish you were. I mean I think, you know, you often do this. You, like…
CLIENT: You know I didn’t come here for you to put me down (clears throat.)
THERAPIST: Is that what I’m doing?
CLIENT: It sounds like it.(chuckling)
THERAPIST: (chuckling)
CLIENT: Go ahead, sorry. [00:32:02]
THERAPIST: Yea, you decided that I’m the responsible grownup and you’re going to do whatever and then my job is to like, waggle my finger at you and tell you to behave. (pause)
CLIENT: (yawn, sigh) I’m going to agree with that, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m just being stubborn or. [00:33:12] (pause) (slapping sound)
We’re going to see this Enchanted Forest? Like we do every year and usually we go on an off night, like a Thursday or whatever, but when it’s Saturday night, the place is packed. We go to the haunted house (yawns) which last year, a bunch of things weren’t working, but this year they’ve got a guy who’s got this big bloody knife and he’s got the black robe on or black jumpsuit whatever. A Jason, mask, not the…
THERAPIST: Not a scream mask.
CLIENT: Not the hockey mask, maybe it’s the Mike Myers mask, I don’t know, one of those. The whole pull it over your head kind of—and he walks out and he stands in one of [00:34:42] the cars. There’s these two girls who are supposed to go sit where he’s standing and they just scream and run off. (laughs) Ian was like, (inaudible) (laughs). Which I, that’s fine you know? (pause) (yawns and says fuck). [00:35:28]
Football, totally was—I don’t think he has any idea what’s going on in the game, but he cried. Every time someone would cheer, and there’s a lot of football fans there, almost half the stadium. It’s like the same thing every year. So when he hears a cheer, he’s like, “Did we score?” It’s like, “No.” All the fans were chanting, “Let’s go defense.” He wants to be loud at a game and he wants to out-cheer the other team, so he’s starts going “Let’s go offense.” I’m like, “Buddy, Buddy, those are our fans.” So I told my dad, and he asked me not to tell his friends that. (yawns) [00:36:24]
I think it’s cute, you know? He’s embarrassed by it, but you know, it’s just the third professional football game in his life. He doesn’t get to watch it on TV at home. I thought it was cute. So you know what I told him as soon as he said “not to tell all my friends, not to tell any of my friends about that?”
THERAPIST: What?
CLIENT: “Too late, I already put it on Facebook.” I told my dad, I go “You and Mom have me now in a lifetime of therapy. It’s only fair that I put Ian in a lifetime of therapy.” [00:37:14]
I said, “When we come home from the game and Bibi (ph) starts giving you crap, tell him that I have (inaudible) so shut the front door.” And start singing.—The Miami Dolphins, (singing) “Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team, (inaudible)” A cute little song, it’s very—but years ago they sold the right to it to the Houston Oilers.
THERAPIST: (Laughing)
CLIENT: (singing) “Houston has the Oilers…”
THERAPIST: (laughing)
CLIENT: I remember as a kid, we’re outside the Orange Bowl or (inaudible) Stadium, I don’t know. A Bills fan— we’re all waiting in line to get in and start singing that. By then the Dolphins had bought the rights back. I was just like, man, there’s just no comeback to that, you know? So every time they would play that, Ian was like (singing)”Houston has [00:38:18] the Oilers” (laughs) But none of the Dolphins fans, I think a lot of them don’t get it. My step-brother Drew, he got it, and he was like that’s so old (mumbles).
Everybody is all pissed off. “Oh, they lost.” It’s just motivation for the coach to, you know, I mean it’s fucking 80 degrees. (inaudible) in the league. I’m just—I mean I went down for years, I mean we’re talking the Super Bowl years, I would go down for this game and we would lose every time. Every time. So it was a good game. We had all these comebacks at the last minute and we finally didn’t have one. You know we’re at the goal line. (mumbles)
You wear contacts? [00:39:16]
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: What a poser.
THERAPIST: I think that’s why you like me.
CLIENT: Someone without sight? (moves around) Maybe I’ll see if I can get Patricia to go to the meeting tonight because I have to go up to Pembroke, and I would rather go now and come back for Micah instead of wait for Micah and then go up to Pembroke and then get up to Salem in a fucking snow storm. There’s not going to be a lot of snow, but just the traffic to get to Salem and then to get down to Watertown . Or if I leave at Watertown from Micah’s or shortly [00:40:18] thereafter.
Someone sent Marcia a box of Godiva chocolates. She was like “Oh that was so sweet. You’re the only one who knows that I really like Godiva chocolates.” I’m like, “I didn’t send you Godiva chocolates.” “Oh yes you did.” She sends this e-mail, “I love you so, so. You’re the most amazing man, (mumbling).” I’m like, oh man, “That’s nice, that’s sweet, but I really didn’t get you the chocolates.” (chuckling) And the return address is some dude in Staten Island and she Googles the guy and he’s like a real person and she’s like ready to call him up and say, “Hey what’s going on?”
Last night, her friend, a couple of days after it’s been posted on Facebook, her crazy friend said “Oh, I love you, I just wanted to, I was thinking of you.” I was like “Why are they coming from some Asian guy? Wouldn’t they come from Godiva?” I don’t know. [00:41:26]
I do feel I have to give some kind of romantic type of gift. Nothing expensive or, (tapping). Chocolates are out the door. (pause)
I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s the holidays or my meds aren’t working. I don’t [00:42:17] know if it’s because I’m just so fucking weak and can’t do anything and the pain. I keep fucking up my wrist and just—I told my dad, it’s like you know I thought I’d be able to write Flo a check for $1,000,but I got, you know, new ignition, went down thinking I got fucked on that too, so I’ve got to get in touch with the service manager and say, “What’s going on. Why…” No one told me I had to have two keys. No one told me I wouldn’t be able to use my remote.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: No one gave me the option to do something different. Then I’ve got to call Honda because this guy is going to say, (mimics) “Well you know, for $1,000 we’ll re-key everything.” Still—if I was close to my oil change, I would just take it to Andover [00:43:13] Honda and ask them, “Hey, what the fuck?” And they probably would be more than happy to tell me that Boch fucked up. Sure every Honda dealer will like, just stick it to Ernie Jr. It’s like one more thing you know? It’s like I’ve got all these one more things, I just can’t keep track of them.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Whew. So we’re on next Tuesday, but not the following Tuesday.
I’ll try and get out a little early today because those three inches of snow are going to make the commute to Belmont very difficult. (zips zipper)
THERAPIST: Thanks for the heads up.
CLIENT: Yea, anytime.
END TRANSCRIPT
