TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Hey
CLIENT: Hey.
THERAPIST: How are you?
CLIENT: I don't know, I feel, I've, I don't have much to say, I just feel a little down this morning. But I don't know why. Yeah. I think I'm just kind of, just like tired or, I don't know. (chuckle) (pause) Unless I, I don't know, I think I'm just, (pause) I expected if I just feel like, to day would be like, I don't know, long. I don't know, it's just one of those days when I feel like, fidgety. Because I can't get (inaudible) or something. I'm tired. I'm just tired, expected to be.
(pause from [00:01:53] to [00:02:19])
I just, I don't really know what to say.
THERAPIST: I mean you felt kind of delayed most like nothings occurring to you? Or the same stuff, or? It's hard to describe?
CLIENT: I think I'm just kind of dreading the day. I mean I don't know why, I just dread it. I think it's because of, I don't know, I don't want to, I just don't want to go to work and just do the same like, monotonous stuff. I don't know I just kind of feel tired and I don't know. Yeah.
(pause from [00:03:12] to [00:03:39])
Alright, I think I was just thinking of things I need to do, not that I like have a ton to do. A lot of it I just don't want to do. Like, are like, like when I was packing my bag this morning I was just like I got to bring, you know, workout clothes. Eh. I just want to do this anymore.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Like, I'm not in the mood, I have to push myself forward through the day.
THERAPIST: You want to go home and crawl back in the bed?
CLIENT: Not really. (chuckle) I feel like, that would make things worse. I feel less productive, and worse by myself, but. It could be just also like, I don't know. The dread that I get before doing the same thing, but once I get there it's okay. I kind of get caught up, but I don't want to. (chuckle).
(pause from [00:04:51] to [00:05:21]).
THERAPIST: Is there nothing new that you feel that's good. Let me, what I mean is, what I imagine is that there really isn't much that you feel like doing, or that feels like you (inaudible) or that would make you feel better.
CLIENT: Yeah. Kind of (inaudible) Yeah, not really. I mean it's probably good, going to work because it might shot me out of it, so. Yeah but what you feel is, oh, today is your day, what would you want to do? I have no idea. (chuckle). (pause) Yeah. But I feel like I'm just tired. I don't know.
(pause from [00:06:35] to [00:06:59])
I think, yeah, yesterday I was just more on, and last night I had anatomy lab, so it's really, (chuckle) I don't know. Hopefully it will, (chuckle) yeah.
THERAPIST: So, is the way you are feeling emotionally related to being worn out?
CLIENT: I think just a little bit, but
THERAPIST: I mean I know that's not a big thing this morning, depressed. But this little sort of dip
CLIENT: Yeah I think I'm worn out, and I think, my brain is really sluggish. I just think, I don't know, go to work, and push myself to feel better, I feel better. I'm just dreading it, I don't know, but. (pause) I feel like, I used to feel like that lot more often, but once I got to work it was like a relief. Like, I don't know, like, because when I woke up, I was like, didn't feel like I was going to make it there, but once I got there I was like, I can't believe I made it. [00:08:50] (chuckle) So.
THERAPIST: And then you feel a little bit of a bump, having gotten there.
CLIENT: Right. Right. (pause) I think I‘ll be fine, I'm just, I just got this, I'm tired.
(pause from [00:09:31] to [00:09:54])
I think also, I, I'm kind of like, angrier and edgy, like, I feel like it's kind of another day wasted another day that I'm not, I'm not in the mood to like, I don't know, do things that are good for me. Like, working out, or looking into schools, I don't know, I just kind of feel like I've been wasting a lot of time and I feel like I'm just really angry at myself for not doing it. And then now, I feel this way, it's like, oh, another day wasted that you're not doing to figure out what I mean, just do it. I like that, I don't know.(chuckle).
(pause from [00:10:54] to [00:11:38]).
THERAPIST: Appearances is often a part of how you like, feel. Not sure what to do, and I don't really feel like doing anything, but then on the other hand, you are mad at yourself that you're not doing more, or doing like, working on kind of the bigger things, in one way or another.
[00:12:51]
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I mean, it makes me like, just feel lost and kind of, I don't know, I feel like, just worried, a little bit like panic mode. But, where I can't I do this, or what to do.
(pause from [00:12:48] to [00:13:12])
I just got, I also think like, people, who are my friends. Who are, who have worked, and then they would have time to, like apply to school or apply for another job, or and I would be like, if they can do it then I can do it. I don't know. I don't know if I should be more, like, selfish with my time. Like, I don't know, like their I don't know why I feel that way. I don't know. Like imagining a time when my friends started to do those things, like how their attitudes changed while they were doing those things. Yeah. Like I shouldn't, like really I don't know, it's like, not feel, but in what I'm doing, just be selfish or standoffish, or and then just do it and become consumed by it or something. [00:14:39]
And I feel like, I don't know, maybe that's what I should do, or that's the way I should do it. I should be disciplined or something.
THERAPIST: Okay. (inaudible) and what you need to do. (inaudible)
CLIENT: I'm never going to, I've never been able to consume myself with something or,
(pause from [00:15:12] to [00:15:50]
I don't know, I feel like I'm just rambling, I don't know what to say.
THERAPIST: But one thing that makes me think that is, you, you tend to have, to caricature it a little bit, to sort of illustrate, I mean like I call it the fantasy of the big push. (chuckle) You know where now that means, like, you know, not quite telling everybody else to fuck off, but putting people out, getting focused, really you know, getting to it and I don't know, finding a school or whatever the thing would be. And then, I've seen it a little bit of like, stuff with Paul too and the kind of (inaudible) And this isn't where I want to be, I'm sick of this shit, and fuck this. He can go fuck himself, and I'm pushing him away, I'm just getting rid of this, I'm moving on.[00:16:58]
Or, in a way it seems a little like when you were mad at yourself for, from under grad, you know, not making more texts with professors, not sort of pushing yourself to try more things. These are, didn't push yourself in those ways, or wasn't able to or something like that. And then have been, I guess like pretty disappointed with yourself for it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: So I'm, I'm kind of curiously calling it the fantasy of the big push. [00:17:50] I thought, it doesn't mean you can't do it, it's just -
CLIENT: I guess it's just how I see like, things getting done.
THERAPIST: Yes.
CLIENT: See things happen. But I don't know. I -
THERAPIST: Just real quick, when I say fantasy, I don't mean that it couldn't be true, or it doesn't make any sense, or it's unrealistic. It's just that this seems to be a kind of ideal that you can get organized around, and then you kind of get mad at yourself when you feel like you haven't done it that way.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) I guess, like you said, I think that I just don't work, like the way like if I was going to apply to medical school. I feel like I'm not as good as, at like, kind of getting into like, getting into the mode or sticking with it. Or just becoming like consumed with it and constantly doing it, or constantly studying or constantly looking at schools, or I've never been like that, I've never been able to like, I'm kind of more like, I want this, but then there's kind of like this, I guess you want to do it, and not like, know everything about it or something. It's like I don't want to look into (inaudible). Like I don't want to know all the facts and the percentages of people getting in, I don't want to know all that. I just want to do it or something. [00:19:29]
THERAPIST: Like, you have friends who get much more that way. Who are like, alright, for the next six months I am all about applying to Med school and
CLIENT: Right and they are like, I'm not going to, whatever, go out or watch TV, or whatever And then I don't know, I've never been like that. Because when ever I got into school, like freshman, first of the year was just like spinning off like statistics or information about school in general and I'm like, am I supposed to do that? Like, I got in, isn't that good enough? (chuckle)
THERAPIST: Like, you got into ?
CLIENT: School.
THERAPIST: Talking to people who were there or how you got in, or like?
CLIENT: Right, or did you know like this fact about it, there's an underground Oh, just stupid stuff. And I was like -
THERAPIST: Oh, I see.
CLIENT: I guess. I don't know. (chuckle)
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So I never, yeah. That's kind of how I saw it happening. It was just kind of like, I went to school, but I was never, I was always, like I would stay for a little bit, and then go on and do something else. It's not like I didn't do my work, I was just kind of like [00:20:57]
The way it was, I don't know. I don't know if I'm just more efficient or I, have less to do than others. That doesn't seem okay. (inaudible) doing or studying or, I don't know. (pause) But, yeah. Or sometimes I feel like, at school, I was always like struggling, and like, oh this person stayed up for three days studying, and I was like, I took a nap every day for like eight hours. (laughter) I don't know. I'm not sure I like see it. But I think maybe that's what I need to do these, like applying to school, I need some other options or whatever.
THERAPIST: That might be part of what's been (inaudible)
CLIENT: Right being able to at least focus. Yeah. I think that's often the problem for me. It's like, for me to make, just like at school for me to study, I had to be in an absolute quiet room. Not because I couldn't concentrate, but because like I had that ideal of like this perfect studying condition. It's like working out, I have to like, two hours before I drink a lot of water, I can't stop and walk, I have to run the whole time. It's like I always have these like ideal finishes and -
THERAPIST: What do you do working out? [00:23:02]
CLIENT: I usually just run, either outside or on the treadmill. And then -
THERAPIST: How long do you run?
CLIENT: Right now, like four or five miles, depending. But I was running more, like two years ago. There was, I put myself in a lot of races, but, then I got injured because I ran two half marathons, and then I kind of stopped, and then I had one last one in May. Then I hurt my foot a lot. I don't know, after the race.
THERAPIST: You mean training or
CLIENT: I think the race itself, because I had stopped training. (chuckle) (inaudible) and I hurt my foot so I stopped for a while. Then I got really into yoga, a lot changed. I don't know. Now I'm going to do both, so...
THERAPIST: How's fast do you run?
CLIENT: I don't know. I keep about an 8.5 mile for about four or five miles. So, yeah.
THERAPIST: Is that how fast you race too?
CLIENT: No, I think my best time was 150 for a half, which is about a 9 minute mile.
THERAPIST: I understand that it's a pretty long way.
CLIENT: That's like not my distance. I run best at like six miles. I don't know why, because everyone else, I feel like I have a
THERAPIST: (laughter) It's not that damn far.
CLIENT: I don't know, one of my friends, she's like an ultra marathoner. But when you look at her you wouldn't think it, because she's bigger. But she's just a natural at running long distances. You know, doesn't feel like good until she like run's three or four miles. I'm like, I'm good after the first mile, like, I feel great. (chuckle) Then I am pushing myself. Yeah, but, I don't know. Anyway, but even like still, just like going to the gym, is kind of like, one half of an ideal situation, making it worthwhile or something. I always like (inaudible) and get so upset that I didn't, like when I first started running I tried to like run more than three miles, I would get so upset that I couldn't keep it constant. I had to run at this, but I wanted to. I had to like teach myself that it was okay. [00:25:53]
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: To like walk parts. It's okay if you're sore to go on the elliptical or not do anything at all. Just like, being okay with just doing a little bit, and not a perfect five miles or whatever.
THERAPIST: I see, like it was hard to have the flexibility for stuff like that.
CLIENT: Right, or I would be disappointed. (pause) I think it's, yeah, I don't know, because its how I always imagined it in my mind, like, you get high school, I didn't play that much, not anything compared to like what I do at school. But to me, that's just how I deal with it, like everyone was at the (inaudible) playing for hours. And then, the same with running, like I never, I never thought I would become a, or just like run long distance with (inaudible) like sprints, and then living with hard, idealized runners is like, going very hard or fast, I don't know. [00:27:15]
THERAPIST: Like, so you can imagine the other students would probably be staying somewhere in absolute silence for six or seven hours on end.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Every day. Even excellent condition for runners is (inaudible)
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: And so -
CLIENT: I don't know if it, let me think, I don't know. I think I would just get disappointed with myself and kind of I don't know. But I guess it's that whole idea of like, yeah, being consumed by finding a school, or like putting everything thing out. Doing three hours of studying at night and not leaving my desk or something.
THERAPIST: You think that is what every body else is probably doing?
CLIENT: I guess, or, I guess that's what I think. But I'm not good at that. I get tired. (chuckle) (inaudible) (pause)
THERAPIST: And then you kind of get down on yourself for not being that way?
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: I imagine that if you could not be that way, then it's not worth doing?
CLIENT: Probably.
(pause from [00:29:14] to [00:29:42])
Yeah. But I think it's also for experience. Like, it's also, I don't know. I have not done well in things because I didn't want to force myself to do those things. To, you know, go to the library and do it, or I don't know, push myself to study for you know, long periods of time or, I don't know. (pause) But, yeah. (pause).
THERAPIST: There were times (inaudible) like really made a difference?
CLIENT: Yeah, like, like I took a, I needed an English credit for Med school, and I'm going to take an English (inaudible), but in the other school, and we read, Paradise Lost, like all of his work. And I like read it, but I didn't consume myself with it. I didn't, I think it's just more, I get more into it now. Or you know, more like, (inaudible) now. And I didn't do badly in class, but I would have done better if I had like, I don't know. (pause) [00:31:22]
I don't know. (pause) I guess the other thing is, like Organic Chemistry because I just hated it, (inaudible) I didn't understand it, so I didn't spend as much time at it. I was like (inaudible) or something. But, yeah.
THERAPIST: You hated it?
CLIENT: I hated it because I couldn't understand it. I couldn't grasp exactly what was going on. It was more like a frustration than I liked it in the beginning because it was new.
THERAPIST: You were naive (chuckle)
CLIENT: Well, I mean, it's kind of like magic. It's all these squiggles and all these shapes changing, all through the (inaudible) But then, yeah, yeah, I should have spent more time learning and (inaudible) before, it got cut up and it was too late. Or whatever, it was frustrating.
(pause from [00:32:42] to[00:33:12])
Because I do think that I need it. Because I think like, just like the idea that, oh, a little bit of a day, to think that would be enough for me to get in, or to me. But yeah, I feel like I really need to just, discipline myself, I don't know.
(pause from [00:33:37] to [00:34:19]),
THERAPIST: Like to really make it work, you would have to really get into it and kind of lose yourself in it for a while. (pause) Like be very focused and immersed.
CLIENT: Right, focused, all I could do, or (pause) I mean, (pause) I yeah, I definitely think that's what I need. Because I mean, I mean I've been through kind of, when I was studying before, I wasn't completely immersed. I was doing it, but I don't know. (pause) And again, yeah, so maybe that's why I give up so easily. I was supposed to go, and I know I haven't studied the way I wanted to.
THERAPIST: I see. Like a little like, I used these (inaudible) or tried that or something.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) Right.
(pause from [00:36:04] to [00:36:21])
Yeah. So. Now it's going to feel all, yeah. Like I don't, I mean I know it's foolish to think I have to cut everyone else out, and only do that. But I feel like that's just the way to work. (pause)
THERAPIST: You mean the way you work is to sort of have this, early idea of how things, sort of an exact set of conditions of what you need to do?
CLIENT: Right and also it gives me confidence, or that feeling I have about being productive. Otherwise I know it's like I know it goes that way, and is most likely to continue doing it for -
THERAPIST: It makes me think of it, like its a ritual. You know that's not exactly what it is.
CLIENT: (pause) I don't know. It is but then, I don't know. But I'm like, I don't, I'm not that successful with sticking to that ideal. I don't know. Like, I don't know, yeah. (pause) Again, I'm not that good at it, anymore. I think I lost the ability to do that since I'm not in school anymore, just studying for my classes now, I can't sit still and study anymore. I get tired and don't want to do it anymore, or whatever. [00:38:54] Like it's normal.
THERAPIST: Do you think it's normal?
CLIENT: I don't know, for not, for me working and not being in school, and for not being able to like sit and study for hours like I used to, or just kind of lost the ability to like focus for really long periods of time.
THERAPIST: I do that, comes in part from like working in town or there or whatever it is.
CLIENT: Yeah. Right. So yeah, I don't know what my plans are.
(pause from [00:39:45] to [00:40:12]).
THERAPIST: I guess it feels kind of important to have a plan?
CLIENT: Yeah, I feel like, yeah, I don't know what I'm saying anymore, I feel like I'm just repeating myself. Or I guess I'm just trying to find meaning and I don't know how to see the, suck it up and do the push, or, I don't know. If I don't do it, I'm just going to keep, I think it's all just going to stay the same and not I don't know.
THERAPIST: Okay. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah. And I feel like me analyzing, my study habits at school or whatever. There's so many like, you know that was my ideal studying I was just being about, what did happen, and how things did work. I don't know.
THERAPIST: What did you do?
CLIENT: I don't know, like, I was studying for like, studying for exams when I was studying with a lot of people, or and did well. I don't know. (pause) I think I'm just, confused and lost. I don't know. Yeah.
(pause from [00:42:02] to [00:42:16]).
THERAPIST: Is what's happening a, is what you are talking about now, a little version of what you were talking about, in that, you know feeling like you have lost your bearing a bit. And are a little unsure where you are going, or what it is to me, that you are saying You then have this reaction like, oh scrap it. Like,
CLIENT: Yeah, but I think it's because I don't know. I just get a like, you know, a weird memory or like I make an exception to me not studying all the time.
THERAPIST: You mean like when (inaudible) in your head are talking? Becomes sort of a kind of example to what you are saying?
CLIENT: Right, I've lost my point I guess, or I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just confused.
THERAPIST: I see, like the ideal pops in your head undermines where you are trying to go?
CLIENT: Right. But it's not concrete, or I can't explain it. I don't know, so.
THERAPIST: We need to stop for now. I'm off on Monday and Thursday next week.
CLIENT: Okay. Right.
THERAPIST: Want me to look and e-mail you if I have something on Wednesday or Friday? Or should we stick with the Monday and Thursday?
CLIENT: Wednesday I have to help in like a two day experiment. Friday I, yeah I'm flexible.
THERAPIST: I will, I can't tell you off the top of my head if I have something. If I can find something in the next couple of days I will e-mail.
CLIENT: Okay. And then the following week, I'm just hear Monday and Tuesday, I'm leaving that Thursday for, to go home for a week.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: So I'll (inaudible)
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: (inaudible)
THERAPIST: Yeah, same to you.
END TRANSCRIPT
