TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: So… (pause) (sounds down; frustrated) So at work, like for the next four weeks, people from that we collaborate with in our engine consortium, they’ll be coming. It’s going to be like one person at a time, so each of them have to come out and learn from me, about our biometrics, our signature kind of data analysis, and kind of learn more about kind of work we’ve done within that, because it’s a six-year project, like when I was in school I worked on that, what has been done. Because (sighs) I guess I spent a lot of time on it.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [00:02:11]
CLIENT: I’m just not really like… looking forward to that, but, but I don’t know, I imagine that this is going to affect coming here, like the scheduling.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay.
CLIENT: Because, until I know more of when exactly they’re coming, I can let you know.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Yeah, we’ll see. I notice I’ve been thinking like, I don’t know, like I think I want to start not coming as much because I need more time for work. And I don’t know, I think it causes me a lot of anxiety that I can’t get up and immediately go to work and ah, I can’t deal with things that pop up with it. So I guess I would like to come twice a week, instead of four times. I know, like I don’t know, it makes no defense on how much I’m paying but I don’t know, it’s I don’t know. It’s not just a timing thing, I mean I don’t know, kind of more time to work. (long pause) So what do you think? [00:05:34]
THERAPIST: I don’t know yet. (pause) Yeah, I’m not sure yet, what to say. (long pause) [00:07:15]
CLIENT: So, yeah, I mean… (long pause)
THERAPIST: You seem surprised or something that I don’t have kind of an immediate response.
CLIENT: (pause) I don’t know if you want me to explain myself or… (pause) [00:09:02]
THERAPIST: Hmm. (long pause) I guess I can’t tell whether it’s your sense that like I’m sort of feeling in the dark and need more of an explanation, I’m going to disagree and so, you know, need to know what your reasons are, or you may be frustrated, so that you need to sort of placate me with an explanation, or something else. [00:10:29]
CLIENT: (long pause) I don’t know. I think I’m just… I don’t know, mad, but I don’t know. I don’t know, I can’t better explain myself or just deal with it. (sounds upset; sad) Or I don’t know, I shouldn’t feel so guilty for wanting… more time than that. (pause) [00:12:24]
THERAPIST: You feel like you’re doing two things wrong? (long pause)
CLIENT: I guess so. (long pause) I guess I just don’t, I don’t know, I don’t like that it’s hard or almost like [00:14:09]
THERAPIST: Is that why you’re so affected?
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: I can’t imagine that (pause) feeling like you’re doing something wrong by wanting more time is part of what makes it hard to explain yourself, like you sort of or imagine what makes the prospect of explaining yourself so overwhelming. (pause) I guess I imagine you feel as though I’m going also to see you as being wrong for what we haven’t even got started. (long pause) [00:15:57]
CLIENT: I guess, I’m not really sure. (sighs) (long pause) I think I just feel, I don’t know, guilty or I don’t know, (soft, sad voice) like worn out because I’m making a change. I don’t know. [00:17:31]
THERAPIST: I wonder if you’re also feeling like this, and I have disappointed you, let you down, and I just heard why you don’t want to come as often and that feels like you are sort of rejecting or pushing me away and you feel bad. (pause) [00:18:55]
CLIENT: It’s not that I might feel guilty because, I don’t know if that’s the message that I’m giving off, but I don’t want you to feel that way. I just, I don’t know. (long pause) I guess I just feel a lot of anxiety and pressure when I wake up and I need to deal with it or I need to… (sighs) I want to get off until later, it just makes things worse. (pause) [00:22:58]
THERAPIST: Would being able to come in earlier make any difference, or that doesn’t really matter, it’s more just the time it takes?
CLIENT: I don’t know. It’s a little bit of both. I mean, I think it’s just because almost every day of the week, the workweek, and that I can have this… I don’t know. I guess I just, I don’t know I just think four times a week, that’s hard for me.
[PAUSE: 00:24:23 to 00:27:00]
THERAPIST: Yeah, so a lot of it is delay and the time away from being able to get to your work.
CLIENT: Right. (pause)
THERAPIST: And that, in terms of a lot of the things that we talked about, makes you feel more anxious and overwhelmed, kind of under the gun.
CLIENT: Right.
[PAUSE: 00:27:48 to 00:29:56]
CLIENT: I guess I’m just not sure what to do, because… (pause) I feel like I was kind of giving it a try, like I don’t know. All last year, I don’t know, most things that are on my mind are or doing work, just those things, and I don’t know. I don’t know. I know it sounds like counterintuitive, but I feel like if I could just get there and kind of deal with it right away, it wouldn’t I don’t know. It goes either way. It wouldn’t bother me so much or I don’t know, easier to deal with it.
[PAUSE: 00:32:31 to 00:33:36]
THERAPIST: I think in a way, it seems sort of you’re saying that ironically, coming here four times a week, like exacerbates one of the main problems you’re coming in to deal with in the first place.
CLIENT: Right. I mean…
[PAUSE: 00:34:19 to 00:36:01]
THERAPIST: I guess…
[PAUSE: 00:36:03 to 00:38:58]
THERAPIST: I guess about the inquiry, you saying about what we’re doing here isn’t protecting you from that. That the only way you can feel safer from the anxiety that you’re talking about is to be in there doing the work, that what we’re doing doesn’t doesn’t, at least so far, protect you very well from that. (pause) [00:40:04]
CLIENT: Right? I mean… I don’t know, I just go to the no brain. I know myself. I know that I’m super productive in the morning. I like to get up early and to do things. I hate putting things off. I hate not dealing with things and not having an answer or feeling, I don’t know, accomplished. So, this is like, I don’t know… (pause) I don’t know, I feel like I need to I mean, I shouldn’t view that as something bad or something I need to work on or… I don’t know. Or, I don’t know what. (chokes up) Or like, I don’t know, it doesn’t make it worse or… (sniffles) I don’t know. [00:42:07]
THERAPIST: I guess this does remind me a little bit of yesterday in that (pause) It seems to me you’re again, perhaps, tell me if I’m wrong, saying there’s a conflict between you and me in that (pause) I think you put it just as though I see this as something bad and that you need to work on. (pause) Which… I guess I feel like slightly, something that the anxiety just kind of eats away at you and the only way to deal with it is sort of go in and sort of start getting stuff done soon. I guess that, it seems to me, to put it in a sort negative way, quite different from, you know, you just like to get work done in the morning, you’re really productive then and… (pause) Well, I don’t notice I’m talking, it seems to me like (inaudible). We should stop for now. Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow.
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