TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: I know you’re out Monday and Tuesday this coming week. I was wondering about Monday and thereafter, whether you wanted that double [ph] your time.
CLIENT: Yeah, I can do that at 11:45.
THERAPIST: OK. It is, really, what is better for you; I don’t…
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, that works fine with me.
THERAPIST: That is better? OK.
[Silence from 00:00:26 to 00:00:55]
THERAPIST: So I’ll start that on the – I guess that is the tenth?
CLIENT: Yep. [00:01:00]
[Silence from 00:01:01 to 00:01:40]
CLIENT: Today, [pauses] I’m feeling, I guess, kind of like the same as I described Tuesday – just kind of [pauses] – I don’t know. [00:02:00]
I guess – I don’t know. I’m kind of dreading things and [pauses] and I’m kind of [pauses] wanting something but I’m not sure what I need or what would make me recognize [ph], what would make feel better about – I don’t know – doing things. I don’t know. [Pauses from 00:02:46 to 00:03:02] [00:03:00]
It makes me [inaudible at 00:03:07], I guess, that she is a postdoc. Lolo is coming to learn from Tom and I and do some data analysis. I don’t know. I’m just kind of doing that because I’m just going to be [pauses] – well, I have someone I’m worried to kind of – exactly not cleaning out but how to go about teaching her and [pauses] introducing her, and what would be valuable for her to learn. But I really think it is just kind of – I don’t know – [pauses]… [00:04:00]
I guess, yeah, not being able to work on other things or – I’m just kind of, I guess, yeah, subject to her.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
CLIENT: And [pauses for 20 seconds] I guess there is – I don’t know – it is hard for me to be motivated, or I kind of complain about things. Recently, everything is kind of like – I don’t know – heavy or I’m dreading things, and… [00:05:06]
[Silence from 00:05:05 to 00:05:58]
THERAPIST: Well, it makes me think of what we’ve been talking about. [00:06:00]
I’m wondering whether [pauses] – you’ve been kind of destabilizing, actually, in some ways. I guess I’m thinking of you feeling a little like the postdoc, like there are new things for you to learn and [pauses] – like what does – are [pauses for 21 seconds]…
[00:07:00]
CLIENT: All right. [Pauses for 17 seconds]
Well, I guess [pauses for five seconds] – I guess it kind of seems like [pauses] what I’m supposed to process from my day or being aware of – or trying to be aware of what is going on is kind of overwhelming and…
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: …Frustrating. And I feel like… [00:08:00]
Nothing is really [pauses] right. I just kind of want [pauses] something else or I’m feeling like I’m just kind of tired but [pauses]…
[00:09:00]
[Silence from 00:08:26 to 00:09:38]
THERAPIST: Yeah, and [pauses] I guess, for my part, though, I think I also pointed out ways of how you’ve been doing things hasn’t been working, and some things that I think are scary and overwhelming. [Pauses] [00:10:00]
I have not said anything to really push [ph] as much about what to do instead, or anything that makes it easier.
[Silence from 00:10:23 to 00:10:42]
CLIENT: Right. [Pauses from 00:10:44 to 00:11:23] [00:11:00]
Yeah, I guess it feels like I’m kind of being weighed down by…
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm?
CLIENT: …Things I want to change, or just kind of being tired of feeling stuck or – I don’t know. And it is not – it is kind of hard to just [pauses] – I’m not going to [inaudible at 00:12:01] anywhere or to just… [00:12:05]
Because I’m going out there like a normal day or – but – because I’m sure [ph] there are so many things I want to change or I feel like I need to do. [Pauses] But I think it is overwhelming so it is [pauses] hard to just think straight or plan, or…
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [Clears throat]
[Silence from 00:12:45 00:13:42]
[00:13:00]
THERAPIST: Well, actually, I think you are doing things a bit differently. I’m not quite sure of [pauses] the extent of it, out in your life, but certainly in the way that you’re talking to me… [00:14:05]
[Pauses for ten seconds] You seem more focused on how it is difficult, how it is overwhelming, [pauses for nine seconds] how it feels impossible, how it is confusing and hard to think. That sounds different to me than describing [pauses for nine seconds] pain. [00:15:07]
It’d sort of be like progressed or [ph] – I imagine you’d probably say now that you wanted more produce [ph] but that feels like the main proximate thing, if that makes sense.
CLIENT: Right. [Pauses] All you’re I mean…
THERAPIST: I think it is part of my point is to respond to saying you feel so stuck and not trying to dispute that you feel stuck. I’m just saying there are ways, actually, you seem like you are [pauses] talking to this from a different way. [00:16:00]
CLIENT: All right. I guess I still feel like I’m…
THERAPIST: Yeah?
CLIENT: …Missing something, or I need something to help me [pauses for ten seconds] – I don’t know – kind of better manage or…
[Silence from 00:16:30 to 00:17:20]
[00:17:00]
CLIENT: I feel like I was – I don’t – I feel like I don’t – doing anything. I just feel like I’m just dreading everything. And I feel like I’m just not wanting to deal with anything. Or, I guess, instead of pushing myself or…
[Silence from 00:17:46 to 00:18:01]
[00:18:00]
THERAPIST: [Clears throat] You’re feeling worse.
CLIENT: Right. [Pauses] Well, yeah, instead of being mad at myself for not doing it the way I want to and making myself anxious to do it. I just don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to [pauses] think about it.
[Silence from 00:18:33 to 00:18:47]
THERAPIST: With “it” being something on your to-do list?
CLIENT: I’m worried or [pauses]… [00:19:00]
[Silence from [00:19:01 to 00:19:32]
THERAPIST: I could see you’re feeling like – very much subject to and overwhelmed by everything or lots of things, anyway, [pauses] like they are ruling how you feel.
CLIENT: Right. [00:20:00]
[Silence from 00:20:01 to 00:20:10]
THERAPIST: And you can’t really do anything about it.
CLIENT: Right.
[Silence from 00:20:22 to 00:22:45]
THERAPIST: So, [clears throat] [pauses for 11 seconds]…
[00:23:00]
Right, the example you gave was with the postdoc, where you’ve got to figure out what to teach her; you’ve got to – it sounds like you also have to host her a little bit in the lab; you’ve got to figure how you’re going to teach her what you have to teach her and things like that. And [pauses] each of those things evokes in you a lot of dread.
CLIENT: [Pauses] Right.
THERAPIST: You just don’t feel like having anything to do with them, and it – and it sounds like – almost like a pit in your stomach over all of it.
CLIENT: Right. I just worry that – I don’t know – how am I – yeah, how am I going to do it, or why do I have to do this? [00:24:00]
[Silence from 00:24:01 to 00:24:20]
THERAPIST: So, [pauses for 13 seconds] in a way, it sounds like there is kind of a domineering figure in there. You’re the one that is going to evaluate you on how you’re doing it, so there is a lot of pressure on you to do it very well; or [pauses] the one who made you do it in the – [coughs] who forced this on your in the first place… [00:25:05]
[Silence from 00:25:06 to [00:25:24]
CLIENT: [inaudible at 00:25:25] Me [ph]?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Oh. I’ll dread it. While I’m making the plan or coming up with something, and she is going to be like, “This sucks.” And then, when I’m with her, the part that is weak or – it is just I feel like a parent and I’m not going to know what to do or what to – is that going to be enough or – answer her questions over [pauses]… [00:26:00]
[Pauses] I just feel like I don’t have enough energy or the motivation to get up and make it worthy, or to put enough time or effort into it, to kind of be fruitful or… [pauses]
[Silence from 00:26:26 to 00:27:42]
[00:27:00]
THERAPIST: I can see how it feels much more kind of depressive and it feels anxious. [Pauses]
CLIENT: Right. [00:28:00]
[Silence from 00:28:01 to 00:28:40]
CLIENT: I don’t know.
THERAPIST: [Clears throat]
[Silence from 00:28:42 to 00:29:39]
[00:29:00]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess it is not nice [ph] so much. I just kind of want to not recover or [pauses] kind of… [00:30:02]
THERAPIST: Sorry. As I think about it, I think it is clear to me why this would kind of be a nightmare situation at work. [Pauses] You hate dealing with other people [chuckles] when you’re at work. Even if it is somebody – you go to get something for somebody, and they want to talk for half an hour, or you go to lunch and kind of get absorbed by that for a while. You often really don’t like to do things that way; you like to stay focused on what you have to do, and that stuff kind of distracts you and throws you. And this woman is going to be in your face for two days. That sounds totally not like your kind of [chuckles] thing. [Pauses for five seconds] I guess I’m just thinking, “Well, of course you’re dreading it.” [00:31:00]
[Silence from 00:31:01 to 00:31:28]
THERAPIST: I would imagine it is going to be very hard to get anything else done [pauses] or to really have time to reorient on the things you need to do. [Pauses]
CLIENT: Right.
[Silence from 00:31:49 to 00:32:02]
[00:32:00]
THERAPIST: And that will also make the time when you’re not at work harder, knowing that [pauses for five seconds] – knowing that you have been kind of distracted and pulled off things you’d rather be doing, by all of this, and worrying about how you came across, and how the interactions went, and about whatever else may come up.
[Silence from 00:32:34 to 00:32:44]
CLIENT: Right.
[Silence from 00:32:46 to 00:33:21]
[00:33:00]
THERAPIST: I guess I say that partly because I imagine hovering over this, as well, for you although, we haven’t – neither of us – spoken to it today – is you’re feeling that it shouldn’t be this way, that it shouldn’t be an especially big deal with someone who is coming. You shouldn’t be dreading it so much, you should be able to roll it much more easily, work around it, all that stuff.
CLIENT: [Pauses] Right.
THERAPIST: And [pauses]… [00:34:00]
I’m sure that kind of adds insult to the injury of her coming [pauses for seven seconds]…
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: …And maybe makes it hard to see that this is [pauses] kind of an exaggerated example. I don’t mean that you’re exaggerating [but] I mean the situation is an exaggeration of the kind of thing that, already, you find very annoying, [pauses] frustrating.
CLIENT: [Pauses] Right.
[Silence from 00:34:46 to 00:36:02]
[00:35:00]
[00:36:00]
CLIENT: I’m just – I’m just thinking about how am I going to [pauses] stay on top of it.
THERAPIST: [Coughs] Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:36:12 to [00:37:30]
[00:37:00]
THERAPIST: So what do you think?
[Silence from 00:37:32 to 00:37:43]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I was just – I think I will [ph] [inaudible at 00:37:46]…
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm?
CLIENT: I don’t know. [Pauses] I don’t know.
[Silence from 00:37:56 to 00:38:07]
[00:38:00]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I just [taps surface] think I’ll just kind of [pauses for five seconds] – like, yesterday, I had to stay home [ph].
[Silence from 00:38:24 to 00:38:36]
THERAPIST: Was there a moment you started feeling more upset?
CLIENT: [Pauses for eight seconds] I don’t know. I just kind of [pauses] thinking about it. I don’t know. I was just getting [ph] of not wanting to do anything. [00:39:03]
THERAPIST: I see.
[Silence from 00:39:04 to 00:39:17]
THERAPIST: Like, earlier in the hour, when you first brought it up or more just now?
CLIENT: [Pauses] [Sighs] If – just now, I was kind of – I was thinking – I don’t know – even if we’re going to do preparations and – I don’t know – a lot of things I’d do – deal with before she comes, I guess.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:39:53 to 00:40:22]
[00:40:00]
THERAPIST: I see. So I guess my reconstruction goes something like this – tell me if this is right – like, what I said about, “Well, of course it is driving you nuts that she is coming” maybe helped you feel a little less bad (?) about having that reaction to her coming, so that, then, when you went to think of what you have to do, it just more felt sad and upsetting?
[Silence from 00:40:52 to 00:41:07]
[00:41:00]
CLIENT: Right, or the part where you said [pauses] that I’m not able to kind of deal with it like – or I should have her meet [ph] [mumbles] [inaudible at 00:41:26].
[Silence from 00:41:28 to 00:41:55]
THERAPIST: I’m sorry. I want to make sure I’m not missing something. [00:42:00]
[Pauses] Do you hear me saying that in a kind of – a way that made you feel criticized?
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: OK.
CLIENT: [inaudible at 00:42:09] No.
[Silence from 00:42:10 to 00:42:18]
CLIENT: No. [Pauses] It is just kind of a feeling of, “How am I going to do this?” and – I don’t know…
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: …It kind of leads to just not wanting to do it or kind of …
THERAPIST: Uh-huh. I see.
[Silence from 00:42:35 to 00:43:44]
[00:43:00]
CLIENT: So, like – I think, yesterday – I don’t know – I just felt so [pauses] – like, tired and stuck, and I couldn’t even get out of – even to come in… [pauses] [00:44:03]
…To think about [pauses] just productive things I could do or things I should do. I just kind of was like, “Ugh,” this feeling of [pauses] – I don’t know. [Pauses for 15 seconds] But – I don’t know. [Pauses for nine seconds]
THERAPIST: Well, we should stop now. [Clears throat]
[Silence from 00:44:47 from 00:44:55]
THERAPIST: I’ll see you tomorrow.
CLIENT: All right.
[00:45:00]
[Door opens and closes]
[Silence from 00:45:07 to 00:45:44]
END TRANSCRIPT
