TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Yesterday felt more back to normal just because . . . I don’t know. (long pause) [00:01:55] I guess I feel like I kind of want to restart. I guess I just feel like I’ve been think on the past side in terms of coming out of allowing things to happen or like proactive. [00:02:56]
THERAPIST: Did you say on the “past side?”
CLIENT: Past it. [00:02:59] (pause) I just feel like I have a lot of things to do, but I’ve kind of been putting them off, not taking control of them. (pause) I’m not really sure what’s wrong or what I should do. [00:04:05] I guess I’ve just been feeling like I’m not very good about things and I don’t know what I can do anymore or what am I allowing to happen that makes me feel this way. [00:04:46] (long pause) Things just seem complicated.
THERAPIST: How so? (pause) [00:06:00]
CLIENT: I guess everything, like at work, leads to more things to do or frustrations and not ever feeling satisfied or at the end, left feeling like uneasy or mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I guess I just don’t feel very in control or aware. (pause) [00:07:24] And even – I don’t know if it makes sense – like relationships or friendships, it always seems like I’m left feeling uneasy, not really sure what’s going on. (long pause) [00:08:19]
THERAPIST: I think the things that you’re referring to, I would imagine, many of them are things you can actually control; but then I think also that stirs up worries for you that you can’t really control that well either. [00:09:03] (pause)
CLIENT: Right. I guess it’s all these worries. I just feel so limited or numb, kind of afraid to do things or everything bothers me. (pause) [00:10:02] It’s hard not to get upset. (long pause) [00:11:33]
THERAPIST: I imagine part of what is uncomfortable with getting upset about it is not just the upset which, of course, doesn’t feel good in itself, but also the sense of vulnerability or the sense that that must mean you’re doing something wrong. I suspect it probably goes along with that. [00:12:01] (pause)
CLIENT: Right. I guess it comes off as like I don’t know the game or just insufficient. (long pause) [00:13:44]
THERAPIST: Which, I think, when you imagine yourself that way, you also feel terribly critical of yourself for being. (pause)
CLIENT: I don’t know. Sometimes, but then mostly I think I just want to withdraw. I don’t know. I don’t want to interact with people. I just kind of want to do my own thing. (pause) [00:15:06]
THERAPIST: Seems like it’s much safer.
CLIENT: Right. Or . . . (long pause) [00:16:57] I don’t know. I don’t know.
THERAPIST: I’m just thinking how there are people and tasks, like work stuff getting dumped on you, they all pose a threat.
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. Spending time with people, even sometimes like Vicki or my dad, always seems bad, like backsliding or something, giving into or allowing myself to be distracted or . . . I don’t know. [00:18:21] (pause)
THERAPIST: I think the way you think about being focused and un-distracted and active has a lot to do with a fantasy about being safe from this really intense anxiety if you don’t interact with people, if you stay on top of things, if you really focus on getting things done. [00:19:33] You won’t be so anxious; you’ll be okay. And if you don’t, if you get mixed up with other people or you get off task, it will eat you up or they will eat you up; just the anxiety that comes from that interaction or distraction. [00:20:20]
CLIENT: Right. And I’m just going to [relax] (ph?) control over . . . I’m not sure. (pause) [00:21:29]
THERAPIST: I guess in my mind, one of the questions is why do the interactions with other people or getting pulled up from what you need to do put you in such danger? Let me be clear, I know how that happens, that you can have an interaction with somebody, like with the post doc, Lolo, where she’s not doing something correctly and it makes you worry and then you worry that it’s going to reflect on you and you’ll get in trouble. [00:22:05] And then you kind of can’t decide if it’s her problem or it’s your problem or where the problem is. I know how it goes, I think, in a general way, but what I mean is it’s not clear to me why it goes those ways that involves so much anxiety and makes you feel so bad. When I say that, I’m not saying it like you have the answer, necessarily. I guess that’s part of what I’m thinking about what you’re struggling with. [00:23:01]
CLIENT: I guess it’s just not satisfying or I’m always kind of wanting more or something. I guess it’s just hard for me to enjoy things as they are. (long pause) [00:24:20] I don’t know exactly what it is. (pause) Last night I went out to dinner with a few post docs who used to be in the lab. There were eight of us. I guess I just worried that I’m not doing enough or people are always worried or mad at me or think I’m boring or something. [00:25:54] (long pause) [00:26:47]
THERAPIST: I’m not sure what you’re going to make of this, but my guess is it’s very hard to tell – like I think you really go back and forth between experiencing the problem in the other person and in yourself. At first when you said how you’re always wanting more and it’s hard for you to enjoy things how they are, in a way there you’re saying “I always find what’s outside wanting and not enough.” But then a bit later you’re talking about you could be boring or had done something wrong, like the problem is you. [00:27:50] I’m not sure what to make of that, but it comes up a lot, I think, that there is this kind of switching. I’m aware that at the end of the day you see the problem as being you – I know that – but in the moment, it seems like there is a lot of back and forth. (pause)
CLIENT: I don’t know if I’m not contributing enough or pulling my weight to make the experience better and I don’t know how or . . . I don’t know. [00:28:46] (pause)
THERAPIST: Is it that you kind of start out like whatever is happening just isn’t enough, and then you immediately figure that it’s your fault?
CLIENT: Right. Yeah. I can’t help or I can’t believe the situation or fix the feeling that I have. (long pause) [00:30:17]
THERAPIST: This is going to sound really far out there. I’m sorry. But I’m a little bit still on this baby jag from yesterday, listening to what you’re saying. It reminds me of somebody who is pregnant and worried there is a problem with the pregnancy and the thing that reminds me of that is how immediate that sense is that oh, my gosh, if there is something wrong with the pregnancy, it must be that my body is not doing something right – the sense of the stakes being high and the anxiety, and also of almost merging this, a merger, that if there is a problem with the pregnancy, it must be something I’m doing. [00:31:16] Do you know what I mean?
CLIENT: No. (pause)
THERAPIST: I’m not at all meaning to say that’s on your mind, but there are things that seem like that in what you’re describing. (pause) [00:31:59]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) I think it’s just a feeling of being inadequate. [00:33:03] (pause)
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:33:12) (pause)
CLIENT: It’s because I’m working on a project and it’s kind of what I was interpreting or putting in to make the whole thing (inaudible at 00:33:47). It’s just not enough or it’s not good enough. (pause) [00:34:20]
THERAPIST: I guess it also seems like the project kind of comes to stand in for you, too. You don’t seem so separate from the project, like that’s the thing out there that I didn’t handle quite well enough this time. It seems very close to home, the sense of inadequacy.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:37:25] Yeah, I mean I don’t know what to do about it to gain control over it and do something that makes me feel better about the situation to kind of close off and push myself to do it. (long pause) [00:41:30] I guess I’m just thinking about those people in terms of those that kind of seem like this is the way I am and not deal with it, but like others who are always doing things and saying they need to work on things. I don’t know. [00:42:05] (pause)
THERAPIST: Are you saying how there are some people who don’t have this kind of worry that we’re talking about?
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:42:49) (pause)
THERAPIST: We should stop.
CLIENT: Next week I’ll not be here Wednesday or Thursday. No, that’s wrong. Just Thursday.
THERAPIST: In on Wednesday and not on Thursday.
CLIENT: Yeah, I forgot what day I was leaving. The interview is next Friday.
THERAPIST: UNC? Yeah.
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