TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: I'm glad you made it.

CLIENT: I had to pack. I'm going out of town this weekend.

THERAPIST: Right. Tuesday's fine.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Well, actually Monday may be better. Can I let you know later today? Okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. I –

THERAPIST: Yeah (crosstalk).

CLIENT: I was going to work in the print shop. I got my friend Jodie to go with me just in case Tom showed up, but I didn't feel like – after half an hour, I decided that I was – just nothing was going to get done. I was being clumsy and making mistakes because I was tired, and unhappy, and so I gave up and went home and went straight to bed. So then I woke up this morning like, shit, I need to pack for this camping trip I'm going on this weekend. You know, sigh. I've been mood cycling a lot this week. It's really exhausting. [00:01:06]

THERAPIST: Hm. Hm. (pause) (inaudible at 00:01:50)?

CLIENT: No, it's really not. (sigh) I don't know.

THERAPIST: Well, what's on your mind?

CLIENT: This ridiculous drama involving a group I don't even belong to. So there's this professional organization for the science fiction writers that I will almost certainly never be a member of because I have no aspirations of being a pro writer, and you have to have their qualifying metrics to what counts as pro sales to join. But anyway, they're professional. [00:03:11]

The magazine associated with this group, which is allegedly a professional organization, and it's just unendingly terrible. So three issues ago, they had a picture of a mostly naked lady wearing a chainmail bikini on the cover, and an article about how lady editors and lady writers need to be hot if they want to succeed in the field. And then the issue after that had an article about how women would succeed if they were just demure and sweet like Barbie instead brassy like Bratz dolls. And then there was something else in the most recent issue, I don't even know.

And then this guy, ran for president of it. He got 10 percent of the votes. He literally believes that women in the United States should not be allowed to vote. Like, not just women in the association, but women in the U.S. [00:04:19]

THERAPIST: Oh, my god.

CLIENT: And he thinks women shouldn't be allowed to drive, an education, or concern (inaudible at 00:04:24), and he's a racist. He thinks black people aren't the same species as white people.

THERAPIST: Oh, my god.

CLIENT: And that they are savages. Like, he really is a time traveler from like 1812 or something, I don't know. But he wrote this horrible racist creed against a friend of mine, who is also a pro author, and a, kind of, a rising star in the field. Like, her first book was a breakout and best seller. It was a huge hit, and then her other book after that also sold well. You know, so she's now writing book number three, and its preorders are already in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. So there's some sour grapes going on on the part of the people who are, you know, are explaining it. But anyway, he wrote this horrible racist creed against her, and then broke into the official social media accounts for Facebook and Twitter to promote his blog posts from the official voice. [00:05:27]

THERAPIST: Oh, gosh.

CLIENT: Yeah. So of course people are upset about all of this. Friends of mine who are pro writers, and friends of mine who are fans, and myself of course, but I feel like I tend to have less standing to talk about it because I'm not a big-named fan. People don't know me outside of my friends, and I'm not a writer, but and that's been on my mind. So yesterday, a guy, who is very, very famous and he has administratorship, said that he was going to be matching donations all day to the the semi-pro organization for people of color who are writers. So that was pretty cool. I was refreshing comments on his blog posts pretty much all day yesterday. I called them and he said he made out with seven grand and counting as of the time I went to bed, which was, you know, more than their annual fundraising total. (chuckle)

THERAPIST: Oh, wow.

CLIENT: Yeah. It was pretty amazing. But yeah, so things. (pause) I'm printing on the letter press a chat book of Cricket's poetry. Did I mention that? [00:07:03]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:07:11).

THERAPIST: Cool. What's a chat book?

CLIENT: A chat book is a name for a magazine that's filled with poetry, really. So a chat book is anywhere from two to thirty pages, and generally is all paper or at most, cardstock as cover. And it's generally all poetry by the same author, or if not by the same author, on the same pane where it's mostly related poetry. But magazine would sound too de blasé, so they call it a chat book. (pause) [00:08:26]

I kind of have this crazy plan, and I have no idea if this is just me being hypomanic or if this is actually a thing I want to do of having a ten-year plan of leaving my job and starting my own micro press. So I know of at least one other press that is doing the kind of thing I want to do It's run by this woman called Marigold. She is a fantastic artist, and she is entirely self-taught, which is reassuring to me because oftentimes when I see these things, it's like, oh, they got their MFA from wherever, or you know, the, went to a creative writing school or – anyway. So that was completely self-taught, and she runs a micro press of very, very limited edition. The largest edition she's ever printed was 100 copies of completely hand-bound books. Her books are beautiful. I own four books she's produced, and they are just exquisite works of art. [00:09:26]

And I would really like to do much the same thing on vintage printing like you possibly would on a letter press, that's way too much work. Maybe a proof press, or you know, a similar press, but and just make books all day. I'm not sure that that would actually make a living wage, but – (pause) I would have to learn a great deal more about book binding. My book binding skills are very rudimentary at the moment. (pause) [00:11:20]

THERAPIST: And I don't know if you think of stuff like that that you, you know, you like to be doing.

CLIENT: And I probably do but I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. My company has these twice a year professional development and coaching sessions that you're supposed to do with your manager so you can figure out what your career path is with the company. And both times I've done them so far, but I just feel like I don't know which career track I want. It's very frustrating to my manager. I don't know. [00:12:06]

THERAPIST: And I guess the – but that was a point that does equate scary for you to think about what you actually really want to do and enjoy.

CLIENT: Yeah. So Dave claims that if I have to do printing as my job all day, every day, I will quickly get bored and resentful of it. I don't know. There's no way to prove or disprove that hypothesis without actually trying it. And there's also the question that I've kind of gotten used to getting paid as someone who has a master's degree in engineering. And certainly starting my own micro press, I would be taking a significant pay cut. [00:13:22]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean you have made many, sort of, caveats and qualifications. Maybe it's just because you're hypomanic. You don't have an MFA.

CLIENT: I'm certainly not going to go get an MFA. (laughter)

THERAPIST: (laughter) Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Uh-huh.

THERAPIST: You'd definitely take a big pay cut. Dave said you'd get sick of it. Maybe you just really don't know what you want to do when you're – my point is not to try to convince you to go off and do this, but just that I think, like, I guess that the things that you mentioned are quite reasonable, practical considerations, of course. But I think they are also, sort of, I think in the aspect of, kind of, self-criticism to them, or their quality is, sort of, undermining thinking about what you would actually really enjoy or want to do. But yeah, obviously it's important to consider practical aspects of things. I don't mean it isn't, but it seems like it's not all those things are, you know. [00:15:31]

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And, well you know, I guess another way to say it is that there's probably a self-protective aspect to that in that you anticipate criticism, or rebuttal, or something, or expressing something you really want or are excited about. [00:16:49]

CLIENT: So yeah. There is a workshop not this weekend but next weekend on using a proof press, which is a type of press I've never used before, so I told Dave, nope, not going to visit your parents. I want to go to this workshop, and I also want a weekend at home where I can relax and sort out my study. I haven't had one of those in a while. But anyway, I'm going to this workshop next Sunday, and Saturday, hopefully I'll take some of the crap in my study to Goodwill and clear out, put up some shelving. Yeah, I'm excited about the workshop, and there's a paper-making workshop two weeks after that that I'm registered for. And a book binding workshop next Thursday night that I'm going to instead of going on a date with Ashley. [00:17:48]

THERAPIST: Right. What happened with that?

CLIENT: He still hasn't replied to my e-mail. It's very upsetting.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I tried pinging him on IM yesterday after, you know, just to say, hi, how are you, and he completely did not respond. I don't know. It could just be that he's busy and stressed, and dealing with his own stuff. I'm, of course, taking it as a (inaudible at 00:18:18) on how he feels about me, and that he hates me now and things are over, and fine. (pause)

THERAPIST: And it's a, kind of, as though you're waiting for me. [00:22:39]

CLIENT: No, not really. I just, I'm out of things to say.

THERAPIST: Huh. Is there nothing in your life?

CLIENT: Not particularly.

THERAPIST: Like, your thoughts are very quiet, or what you're thinking is means not worth mentioning?

CLIENT: My thoughts are very scattered, and I can't really focus on one thing long enough to figure out what I'm thinking about. Also, I'm thinking about a problem at work that I left unfinished yesterday afternoon. I guess I needed to go home, not go home, I don't know. I'm meeting Jodie at the print shop. (sigh) I had an idea for – if not solving it, at least gleaning more information from the horrible flat box system that's coming out of the whole thing. Getting (inaudible at 00:23:46) today. (sigh)

THERAPIST: Oh, what was your idea?

CLIENT: Oh, just buying a bunch of printout statements to the code that's running, and then rerunning it so I have a mod file to look at on that. I don't know what interfered me yesterday.

THERAPIST: I'm smiling because I don't know if there's anything to this, but it just seems like ironically self-detrimental. Like, I'm not sure what to say.

CLIENT: (laughter)

THERAPIST: It's just like, well, I've been having problems with it, and I'm not sure. I just thought of this way to get more information out of it. (chuckle) [00:24:53]

CLIENT: (chuckle) Oh, that's kind of funny.

THERAPIST: And I'm sort of asking for profound statements.

CLIENT: Hm, sorry.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:25:10).

CLIENT: I spent the last week convinced that everything nice anyone I know has ever said to me has been a lie. That I think all of my friends are lying to me. They are engaged in this mass, Truman Show-like conspiracy. I don't know. To what end, I have no idea, but – (pause) [00:26:07]

THERAPIST: I wonder if that – I don't know that it's true, but I wonder if part of the reason it comes to mind now is that the response to what I had just said, that sort of like we were talking about yesterday. I imagine you might be very worried about the prospect that I would actually be interested in hearing what's on your mind, and so as with your friends, you kind of go back to something like the things that you just had as a way to try to protect yourself or preempt hurt and disappointment that will inevitably follow from those of us around you. You're even more than what you have to say. But the worry there, maybe, was particularly about me. [00:27:31]

CLIENT: Maybe, but I don't think so. (pause) I'm sorry. I had so much to talk about yesterday, and today, I'm just blah. (pause) [00:32:13]

THERAPIST: Hm. Well, what's sort of blah?

CLIENT: I guess the final I did in communicative, and communicative kind of blah. I was just a moment ago remembering my junior year of college, I convinced two friends of mine to enter the lottery for the winter session robotics competition at a (inaudible at 00:32:39). And it's a really intense course. You're expected to spend 40 to 60 hours a week building your robot. And everyone wants to participate, so there's a lottery to get in, and only, like, 10 percent of the people entered get in.

But I had also auditioned for a winter session theatre production and got into that, and I was trying to balance both of those, and I had a job, an undergrad research project, research assistanceship, and my advisor expected me in lab 15 hours a week. And it was just, my teammates were furious at me for overscheduling myself and not being able to dedicate enough time to our robot, and our robot sucked because I didn't dedicate enough time, and I didn't hold up my end of the commitment, and just it's been ten years and I feel really ashamed and embarrassed by it. (pause) [00:33:59]

THERAPIST: Do you want to stop now? Could you come in Monday at 8:30? I know we said Tuesday, but [does that work for you] (ph)?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay. So I'll see you Monday at 8:30. Oh. It's a good day to have that.

CLIENT: Yeah. [00:34:17]

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