TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Isn’t it possible that part of what helped you to feel sort of a little more at ease actually was getting into the messier, more difficult, conflictual, overwhelming stuff here yesterday morning? I mean I know your usual view of these things is that doing that throws you and staying away from it helps.
CLIENT: I’m not so sure.
THERAPIST: I’m not saying with a lot of certainty I know that’s what happened; I don’t. And I do know often that [thinking about] (ph) typical towards Xavier or anxious stuff like that does throw you at least for a while. I don’t know. [00:01:13]
[Pause]
I guess what I have in mind is less of you resolved everything and I helped you feel better and more of it was a little more contained and a little easier to put down as a result. [00:02:11]
CLIENT: I’m not sure. I think Monday I was kind of affected all day or not. I was turning over what we talked about yesterday typically. [00:03:09]
THERAPIST: Anyway I know a lot of it was about feeling like moving, going to UNC, moving back to Boise, moving backwards. Actually it was something that ends like some many things feel like sort of feel like going backwards and forwards at the same time.
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. I don’t know. Yes, I mean I think maybe it felt more contained or I don’t know. Or I could I guess more easily push it aside and not let it affect me. It just doesn’t feel resolved or, I don’t know, it just feels like something I don’t want to deal with. That’s what I think about right now. At least this is just not as consuming. [00:05:31]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: And yet I do think you it’s tricky. I think at the same time you do feel like it’s encroaching and you probably [inaudible at 00:06:09] with wanting to talk about it or having to deal with it. I think you should talk about it. [00:06:10]
CLIENT: Which I don’t necessarily.
THERAPIST: What makes me think that is what you said a few minutes ago about feeling like you really should kind of build this shield around yourself, I mean as though this stuff were coming at you from outside, I guess in part from me.
CLIENT: I don’t know. It was, I mean it was that and I’m trying not to get flustered or angry about stuff at work or I don’t know and -
THERAPIST: I see, you misunderstood? [00:07:22]
CLIENT: I don’t know. But the stuff about I don’t know. But I agree with you what you were talking about Boise and my parents. I don’t really yes I guess I kind of don’t really want to go into it more. I feel like going on I just don’t have anything else to say and I don’t really want to go into it or deal with it or I don’t know. But I mean I think that’s because my mood yesterday morning was just kind of [inaudible at 00:08:22] for healing. I was just wondering why can’t it just be, why do I have to kind of focus on the terminal (ph), negative or just kind of always feeling dissatisfied. [00:08:46]
[Pause]
Yes, so I don’t know if it’s just easier putting some distance or just distracting myself from kind of why am I, the question of why am I unhappy or what do I want or focusing more on the work or class. [00:11:18]
[Pause]
I don’t know. I guess I mean I’m starting to see this will come up again, [inaudible at 00:12:49] and I’ll feel kind of overwhelmed with not having my I don’t know. [00:13:09]
THERAPIST: I think what strikes me is you’re telling me is that it’s like it doesn’t certainly seem okay to be feeling I don’t know or more distanced from the stuff that was really troubling you the last couple of days. That I guess what I’m saying is you seem to feel as you were feeling it was better anxious that you’re not doing something right. [00:14:18]
CLIENT: All right.
THERAPIST: And I guess a little sort of focused on how you should be managing yourself.
CLIENT: I mean I guess, I don’t know. I guess it’s still not like, I don’t know. I’m still not kind of living the way I want to or I’m still, I still think I should be doing things better and, I don’t know. I guess throughout the day it’s kind of like focus on, focus on what am I going to do out here, sort of what am I going to do about whatever. And I just want to think. I need to be doing this or worrying about [inaudible at 00:16:18] looking right. I don’t know. [00:16:25]
But again I can say it’s kind of, again I’m not doing or I’m not kind of functioning correctly like I should keep something in mind or I should be more organized or plan or something. [00:17:26]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: Today you seem like, to the core of what we’re talking about, to be feeling more intense, more confused, more upset. And I just [inaudible at 00:19:37] pretty clear there’s something in our interaction that’s causing that; I got to try to get a handle on what it is. It seems that [pause] like there’s something about you talking to me or the way that I talk to you, I’m not sure, that puts you back in touch with ways you feel more upset and confused. And I can’t tell whether it’s something in the way that I’m talking to you or something that you project onto me. I don’t know. [00:21:08]
But to me it’s either [inaudible at 00:21:22] I’m feeling better, feeling easier, feeling a little more distant from the things that are upsetting me and I’m having a relatively easier time focusing on the things I need to get through, relatively speaking. And somehow that erodes as we’re talking. [00:22:00]
CLIENT: My guess is that I still feel kind of what I’m saying, like I’m still, even though maybe I’m functioning a little better, I’m still unhappy or I’m still kind of critical or mad at myself so I must be doing something wrong. And so I feel like the way I’m kind of talking about it I need -
THERAPIST: I see. So it’s like you’re sort of taking a class where there’s a typical door (ph) like a Sunday project you’re feeling a little bit behind where you’re supposed to be. And when you go to class it kind of reminds you of that feeling. Like oh shit, I really should really along (ph) on this term paper and I haven’t really picked a topic yet and it’s Tuesday, being a little bit like that?
CLIENT: Right.
[Pause]
THERAPIST: I can also imagine that sometimes things I say feel like they kind of poke holes in ways you have been feeling [inaudible at 00:23:55] or feeling more okay. I’m not saying that’s what I’m trying to do or that possibly that’s what I seem to be trying to do but like that. [00:24:22]
CLIENT: [inaudible at 00:24:29]. I don’t know. Maybe I just feel like I’m here dealing with the end. I’m not I mean I know my skills, that again, but right now I have a sense that I didn’t [do enough] (ph) work. I don’t know.
THERAPIST: We should stop for now. [00:25:39]
END TRANSCRIPT
