TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

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CLIENT: I guess I’m feeling the same in terms of what is going on, focusing on work and small things I need to and not really, I just try not to worry too much or I don’t know. I guess it does feel like I’m, I don’t know, feeling things are kind of taking action or trying to make plans and stuff. [inaudible at 00:02:19] busy and anyways I’ll be more consumed by that and not dealing with things. [00:02:40]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: I imagine you might feel a little whirl (ph) where or something like that when you’re here. [00:03:42]

CLIENT: Right. I guess I feel like, I don’t know, I guess like I’m supposed to talk about things that are bothering me and I guess I don’t, for most part of the day I don’t allow things kind of to bother me or kind of [I just] (ph) deal with things. But, I guess all the worries and anxieties about I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about them or processed them. [00:05:23]

THERAPIST: So you’re maybe feeling a little bit in relation to me like you haven’t done your homework? That’s not exactly right but it makes you feel a little bit like that? [00:06:23]

CLIENT: I just feel like I don’t know what I want or just kind of process things instead of being whatever, distracted by everyday things. [Pause] I don’t know. I don’t know I guess I just feel like I’m not sure of what I should do or I don’t have any control anyway, just going to be pressured at work and just be and do those things. I don’t really have time or energy to process other things. [00:08:31]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: And it’s just also really frightening to process things. I mean to sort of open yourself up to what your emotional experience is and see your confusion, uncertainty. That can [inaudible at 00:10:24] vulnerable and overwhelming. [00:10:42]

CLIENT: Right. I mean just going into things just makes me feel worse and in terms of there is no solution and I don’t know. I’m usually angry and I don’t know. [00:11:31]

THERAPIST: Can’t imagine why you’re not more eager.

CLIENT: I don’t know. Yes I mean in the end it just goes like there’s nothing that can be done or nothing I can do or I don’t know what I want or out of it so what’s the point. For example, my parents; in the end I don’t want anything from them. I feel like I just have to be something they want but I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to I can’t sit there and try to listen to them and try to figure out their problems or be some relief or help for them. I don’t want to do that, so what’s the point? [00:13:00]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: I guess in a similar way I imagine it all must also be kind of difficult to let your friends sort of I think as you could anyway making this kind of implicit demand that you focus on all these things and change how you decide what you are or something like that in a way that feels like it’s not really going to get you anywhere. [00:15:23]

CLIENT: Right, I mean me voicing my anger or what I dislike or, it doesn’t change anything and I can’t come up with a solution or something that’s real or lasting. Yes, in the end it’s kind of a problem. Yes, I mean there’s a worthless circle push in there. I don’t know. [00:16:34]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: Well except that it does, I think actually I [inaudible at 00:16:34] another way to put that. Sometimes it does I think tend at times to really bring the bad. I mean for example if somebody dies and you mourn them it doesn’t make them any less dead. And sometimes it feels pretty shitty to do but it also helps. [00:18:32]

[Pause]

CLIENT: I just feel like it’s, I don’t know, it’s me. It’s there’s no kind of getting away from whatever, I don’t know. Just kind of the hate or the anger and yes, just constantly there and coming up in different ways and there’s no relief or time doesn’t help them; it makes it worse. Other people make it worse and make me feel worse. It comes up only when I’m trying to be distracted at work or whatever it comes up. There’s no getting away from it or there’s no, I don’t know, processing or dealing with it. [00:21:47]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: So, I’m sorry I think I had something kind of backwards before. Saying that it might seem too like your parent’s house. I actually don’t think I quite described it right. I think what you’re describing is you feeling in some ways a bit like your mom’s been trying to deal with stuff with your brother and saying that she just can’t. She doesn’t know what to do or how to change what she needs to do and yet she’s worried about it all the time. That it’s clearly very present for her all the time. [00:23:45]

Now there’s an unclear difference in that you’re trying very hard to find somebody to deal with this and make it better although it’s unclear how to do that. And you’re feeling I think kind of hopeless about it. But it sounds more like that. [00:24:23]

[Pause]

CLIENT: I mean it feels like there’s no way of dealing with it. Yes, and I feel like there’s so many things that are like that, not just my brother; it’s everything. And, so [00:26:29]

[Pause]

Or there’s no, there was not time or place to kind of process things. That never happens [pause] because I come here or also I’m consumed by work and then if I go home I’m just consumed with hate and so there’s no [00:28:29]

THERAPIST: Can you say that again, if you’re here you’re here you’re consumed with work and -

CLIENT: With work and what I should be doing and what I’m I’m making a play of things and then when I go home it’s consumed with hate and there’s no place or time to kind of process or think or sort of just deal. I don’t know. [00:29:09]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: Sorry but I’m not clear on how really consumed you are by those other things. [00:30:07]

CLIENT: I guess [pause] yes, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t know what to do about it. I know better, I want to be myself to, I don’t know, to not be consumed or [inaudible at 00:32:39] to deal with things or being aware of them. [00:33:05]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: Neither of us has any good answers.

[Pause]

CLIENT: I don’t know, I guess I’m just tired from the just back and forth between doing [a little] (ph) and I don’t know, whatever, processing because I don’t want to be consumed by it, I don’t I want to be productive because these are important. So I don’t know, I don’t know how else to function. [00:35:13]

[Pause]

I don’t know, maybe I should be more, I don’t know, willing to try but it just feels like, and then I just become manageable or kind of, I don’t know. It’s just overwhelming when everything is awful and I don’t know yes. [00:37:31]

[Pause]

THERAPIST: It seems in some ways it’s a little more awful today. I mean I know that’s often there one day or another. Seems on the worse end today, the thought of processing things or confronting them. [00:39:21]

[Pause]

CLIENT: I don’t know, I don’t know. Like both. On Monday I just felt bad all day or kind of, I don’t know. I couldn’t really snap out of it or kind of function. Just seeing people, so I don’t want to be there where I don’t want to [00:40:43]

THERAPIST: Has it been like that Wednesday and Tuesday too?

CLIENT: No, I don’t know.

THERAPIST: I’m really just asking to find out. I’m not trying to make a point.

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: Does it feel too like you should have talked about and processed more stuff on Monday which is why you felt that way? About your parents and being back in Boise? [00:41:35]

[Pause]

CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know but maybe it was because I was away from work for a couple of days and so I never had time to think and be tense. I was similarly hating my parents, hating Boise, not wanting I was feeling sorry for myself and I don’t know. [I didn’t have] (ph) that distraction or [00:42:52]

THERAPIST: Well we can stop for now. [00:43:19]

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