TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

Note from transcriptionist: Poor audio quality on Client’s responses….lots of mumbling….difficult to understand.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

(long pause)

[00:01:16]

CLIENT: Not much is going on. (long pause) I guess yeah, I mean I was I don’t know. I was productive this weekend. I saw a few friends, nothing too substantial, just for dinner or whatever.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.

[00:02:12]

CLIENT: It was kind of good to, I don’t know, to kind of be myself for a little bit just because (pause) the previous weekend I was away interviewing.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And then all week I’m kind of, I don’t know, overwhelmed. So it was just kind of nice to slow down. (long pause)

[00:03:25]

THERAPIST: You were able to catch your breath a little.

CLIENT: Right. (pause) Right. [It was good]. (inaudible at 00:03:46) I don’t know, substain (pause). I don’t know. [Because he hasn’t] (pause). I don’t know. I guess I was just worried more about myself than our just kind of (pause) I don’t know. I guess not, you know, consume thoughts of what other people are thinking.

[00:04:32]

I kind of was, I don’t know, doing a lot more (pause) I don’t know. And tomorrow and Wednesday there’s two more people coming from (inaudible at 00:05:07) collaboration. Like basically the same thing that I took with Lolo, but these people are I talked to them [and they’re] much more level-headed and more just like not as I don’t know. (pause)

[00:05:34]

I don’t know what it is. (pause) I don’t know. Just more much relaxed and calm, so I think it will be fine.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.

CLIENT: And they I don’t know.

THERAPIST: That’s a welcome difference, I imagine.

CLIENT: Right. But I guess I still have just I don’t know. (pause) I’m a little worried about it.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: I don’t know. (long pause)

[00:07:27]

THERAPIST: By what you’re saying, it has to do with feeling (pause). Like anticipating feeling more kind of crowded in [or intruded on], whether sort of being back to work this week after the [most days] or anticipating the two people coming, even if at least they’re better or they’ll be kind of probably easier to host than Lolo was. And I wonder if you those are also comments about me here where you feel sort of again, Monday a little crowded or concerned what I’m going to think. (long pause)

[00:08:52]

CLIENT: Not really. I wish I would’ve I don’t know. I wish I had more like, I don’t know, concrete like, you know, things that are bothering me. But I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. I feel like it’s just like a bunch of little stuff or like [or just one] or just kind of [wanting to distance myself, I don’t know, from people]. But not in the way of like, I don’t want to get into things or talk about things.

[00:09:59]

It’s just like I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know. Like allowing myself to get worked up or consumed about like Marlowe or Paul. I don’t know. Just things like that. I just don’t want, I don’t know, to kind of deal with them so I’ve just been kind of trying to keep my distance.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.

CLIENT: (pause) I don’t know. (pause) So, I mean (pause)

[00:11:09]

THERAPIST: It’s more like a kind of closeness that you want to manage or sort of be careful about, but that doesn’t really apply to everything. It’s more like Marlowe, Paul and (pause). And sort of also, I guess, kind of keeping your eye here on the ball in terms of like really staying focused on what’s bothering you? (pause)

[00:12:06]

CLIENT: Right. (pause) I don’t know. (long pause) I don’t know. With them I don’t know. I mean, I just feel like I don’t have any control over, I don’t know, my feelings.

[00:13:10]

I feel like they always kind of negatively affect me and [they just give me] a lot to worry about that’s stupid and not important. I don’t know. (pause) Because here I feel like I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. I want to I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. Try to, you know, understand or like, I don’t know, get at what’s bothering me, but I don’t really know what it is. It’s just kind of (pause)

[00:14:19]

I don’t know. [It’s an] uneasy feeling or (long pause)

[00:15:08]

THERAPIST: When you refer to like the uneasy feeling, I assume you were referring partly to something you’re actually feeling here?

CLIENT: (long pause) I feel it a little bit now, but now I feel kind of outside like -

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But (pause) a little anxious or (inaudible at 00:15:48) but I’m really not sure what’s bothering me.

THERAPIST Mmm-hmm. (pause)

[00:16:07]

CLIENT: It’s hard for me to be okay with what I’m doing.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm. (long pause)

[00:17:45]

CLIENT: I mean, I guess I always just feel like I should be doing something to, I don’t know, manage the anxiety [better and like address it], but I don’t know.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:18:10)

CLIENT: No, go ahead.

THERAPIST: (pause) I wonder if there’s something about the like consistency or stability of things with me or the -

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: sort of the sense that you will have some space and I’m likely to pay attention to (pause) like what’s going on with you or kind of your side of things.

[00:18:50]

Which I think you may feel a lot less of with Paul and Marlowe and your work. Not always, but I think sometimes maybe significantly.

CLIENT: (long pause) [And others]. (long pause) I don’t know. (long pause)

[00:20:14]

I guess [I kind of want to be] I don’t know. Like free from their effects on me and (pause). I don’t know. But somehow I always get like roped back in or kind of I feel guilty or like I should be a better person, you know. I don’t know. Try or something. (long pause)

[00:22:16]

Nothing is like nothing is easy or, I don’t know, natural. I don’t know. Or I just wish I had thicker skin or something. (long pause)

[00:23:23]

THERAPIST: I guess it’s also very confusing (pause) in some ways why those things get to you as much as they do. I mean, in other words, not so much. I mean, my sense is like with Paul, for example. It can be pretty clear he’s being difficult (chuckles) in some ways. But I guess in other ways, [with him or the other stuff], it doesn’t seem it should be difficult, but it’s hard to know why because [it felt that it is]. Something like that? (pause)

[00:24:25]

CLIENT: I think I know why. It’s just I feel guilty about it or I feel I should be a better friend or I feel I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel like I should be more social or something, so I try. (long pause)

[00:26:18]

I don’t know. I just feel like there’s something else I should be working on or kind of focus on. (pause) That would kind of like take away these problems or I don’t know. (long pause)

[00:27:32]

I don’t know if it’s like (pause) I don’t know. I need to be more secure or something or I don’t know. It just seems weird that I can feel so dependent but then also so much, I don’t know, distrust and it’s like -

THERAPIST: Did you say distrust?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm. And dislike. (long pause)

[00:29:52]

I guess that puts you in a really quite vulnerable position.

CLIENT: (pause) Right. (long pause)

[00:31:13]

And I really don’t know what to do because [I’m always going to go back and forth].

THERAPIST: [I heard you say something] -

CLIENT: [Yeah, between] (long pause) I don’t know. I don’t really know what I want other than to kind of, I don’t know, feel better in order to I don’t know. Feel more in control or sincere or I don’t know. (long pause)

[00:32:40]

THERAPIST: I imagine this comes up in a way between you and me when you want like suggestions or [some sort of help] with being [fair-skinned] or more resilient to this kind of stuff, in that a part of you feels like, you know, it’s your fault, that’s not what you’re supposed to want or how you’re supposed to go about this. But then another part of you I could imagine feels at the same time kind of wary of or critical of me or just not giving that to you which you feel would be really helpful. (long pause)

[00:34:17]

CLIENT: I don’t know. I mean (pause) I guess I view it as I’m supposed to be, I don’t know, learning to kind of deal with, I don’t know, these kinds of situations but (pause) I don’t know. I feel like (pause)

[00:35:17]

It’s only gotten worse or I can stay I don’t know. I don’t know. Kind of stay in one of the states a little bit longer or something.

THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.

CLIENT: (long pause) I don’t know. I don’t think (pause) I’m trying to keep my distance or kind of push you away. I just I don’t know. I want help with this and I don’t know how else to describe it. (long pause)

[00:36:47]

THERAPIST: I guess this creates a sort impasse or at least what feels like an impasse between you and me. (long pause)

CLIENT: I’m not sure. (long pause)

[00:37:51]

I guess I don’t know. I don’t really want to make it about I don’t know. I don’t know. This situation or what’s going on between you and me. (long pause)

[00:38:51]

THERAPIST: I have two thoughts, the first of which is (pause) sort of that would involve either seeing this as or recreating this as just the sort of thing that you don’t want.

CLIENT: (pause) Right. I don’t know. It also doesn’t feel the same.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: (pause) I don’t know. (pause) Maybe there’s more trust or less, I don’t know, judgment.

[00:39:57]

But I don’t know. (pause) I can’t apply that to my friends because (long pause)

[00:41:22]

THERAPIST: Well, I imagine there being more trust and less judgment kind of cuts both ways. Like on one hand, it’s good and [needs you to be] a little more open talking about, among other things, like what goes on between you and me and what that’s like for you. At the same time, I think it exposes you to more of the risks of sort of feeling thin-skinned or having reactions you’re not happy to be having like being angry or feeling at fault. (pause)

[00:42:31]

CLIENT: I don’t know. (long pause)

THERAPIST: So I guess this is just sort of a more general comment. I’m not sure if this is clear to you or not, but that’s often how analysis works is to find some version or iteration of the problem which may be different in some ways from what you have trouble with outside, in what’s going on between you and me where we can look at it and try to sort it out or understand it more clearly.

[00:43:52]

CLIENT: [Right]. (pause)

THERAPIST: That’s not to say the problem is exactly the same or -

CLIENT: (pause) (inaudible at 00:44:17) (pause) Alright. (pause)

THERAPIST: We should stop for now. (pause) [So I’ll see you on] Thursday?

[00:44:51]

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Okay. (pause) [Is that your coffee?] (pause) [See you, Kay].

END TRANSCRIPT