TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: If you like, I have two cancellations actually tomorrow.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: One at 9:15 and one at 4:30.
CLIENT: (pause) I can come in at 9:15.
THERAPIST: Okay. (pause) [That’s all I’ve got].
CLIENT: Okay. (long pause)
[00:01:24]
I guess the last two days were okay. I feel like I don’t know. (pause) Like I got a lot done. I feel like, you know, they I learned a lot. But I guess I don’t know. I guess I really don’t like being in that kind of position because I feel like I’m not explaining myself well or I can’t like give them enough or kind of like my explanations for things aren’t very like I don’t know. They have a lot of like holes in them or, I don’t know, the way I understand things is kind of hard to translate. But I think it was okay.
[00:02:33]
THERAPIST: Uh huh.
CLIENT: They seemed appreciative. (pause) I don’t know. I guess in a sense I don’t really want to like, I don’t know, like analyze it or think about it too much. I just kind of like I’m glad it’s kind of over.
THERAPIST: Uh huh.
CLIENT: I don’t know.
THERAPIST: You can put it behind you.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
[00:03:32]
I don’t know. Let’s see. (pause) I guess I don’t know. It’s just kind of (pause) I don’t know. I guess it’s been kind of harder to kind of plan things or kind of organize things or kind of I don’t know. (pause) Like run things through my mind. I don’t know.
[00:04:31]
Or maybe it’s just because I don’t know. I have a feeling like I work so I don’t know. “When you get a chance, can you do this or this?” I don’t know. I guess it’s just kind of the feeling of okay, I’ll do it but then, I don’t know. It doesn’t really kind of stick or I don’t know. It’s kind of I have a feeling that I I don’t know. I don’t want to do those things, so I guess it’s just kind of hard to organize. (pause)
[00:05:39]
Like I don’t know. Yesterday I left around 5:00 and I don’t know. I guess once I left I was kind of at a loss of like what to do because I didn’t really want to like I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. Kind of catch up on things that popped up while I was with them or, I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like doing more work since I was kind of, I don’t know, doing something I don’t really like.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
CLIENT: Something that took a lot of effort or time.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
[00:06:36]
CLIENT: I don’t know. But then like I don’t know. The feeling I’m just going home or kind of, I don’t know, going to do something else, was very I don’t know. Just like [very provoking] or like I didn’t want, you know, just kind of feeling stuck. I didn’t really want or know what to do or what I wanted. I don’t know. (pause) So yeah, I mean (long pause)
[00:08:05]
THERAPIST: I guess part of what was tough was knowing you wanted a break in light of how taxing it was to have hosted [those folks from the other lab]. And yet I gather you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed by kind of having a wide open space of being able to do what you wanted. (pause)
[00:09:05]
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. Like something about like having (inaudible at 00:09:18). I think I’ve said this before. I talked to Vicki last night and kind of said some of the things. I always feel like I need a break or I need time or I need to recover. But like, I don’t know if I had like a day off or I had like I feel like it would just I wouldn’t know what to do or I feel like I would do nothing kind of I don’t know.
[00:10:02]
I don’t know. It drives me nuts or makes me feel worse. Like I just don’t want to like (pause) kind of like go through my day I don’t know. (pause) In like a fashion, I don’t know, that’s kind of not anxiety-provoking or not kind of all or nothing.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm. (long pause)
[00:11:15]
I think something else that’s difficult about this, and I don’t have an answer for this yet, is I think it’s unclear so far what it is about, you know, having time to do what you want that’s so anxious and overwhelming. I mean, it can be a little clearer what, you know, is anxious about work or, you know, having to show these people around a lab for a couple of days. But it’s less clear what about having time to yourself becomes so overwhelming.
CLIENT: (pause) Right. (long pause)
[00:13:01]
I don’t know if it’s like I don’t know. Like I go to work, and do I all these things, and I’m productive, and it kind of feels like I’m putting in my time and working hard.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
CLIENT: And then like once it’s done, once the day is over, I need some kind of, I don’t know, break or release [but I need it to be more than] the usual things. Or even like seeing people, I don’t know, or watching TV or whatever or working out. It’s not I don’t know.
[00:13:56]
It’s not like enough to kind of combat I don’t know. Kind of take away the effort I put into the day. (long pause)
[00:15:06]
THERAPIST: You mean like there’s a way you’re feeling kind of distraught from the day, that those things don’t do enough to kind of soothe?
CLIENT: (pause) Right. (long pause)
[00:16:17]
I mean (long pause) I don’t know. It’s hard to like I mean, [I’m just thinking like I should make my day not so bad] or kind of slow down or something. But I don’t know. It’s I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. (pause)
[00:17:11]
I don’t know. (pause) I don’t know. I mean, I think I just sound kind of whiney. I don’t know. But if I can’t even enjoy simple things, how am I going to enjoy doing work or kind of I don’t know. (pause) I also feel like I’m in this habit of, I don’t know, winding myself up and then kind of and then like going home and kind of doing -
[00:18:16]
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
CLIENT: I don’t know. Empty or kind of like I don’t know. Kind of watching something. (long pause)
[00:19:20]
THERAPIST: [What’s sort of going through my kind] is one aspect of this. I get it that dealing with these people at the lab was not nearly as bad as dealing with Lolo a few weeks ago.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Although it still sounds like you’re not in a great place with it. The two things I’m thinking of are, you know, feeling crummy as you were leaving yesterday and sad and sort of not wanting to talk about or get into it here, which is fine. I just assume that’s because you anticipate, or at least partly because you anticipate that, you know, if we talk about it you’re going to feel dragged back into it and it’s going to be upsetting and kind of throw you off or something like that.
[00:20:25]
And so (pause) I guess what I’m thinking of is it’s as though there’s some kind of difficulty or upset from that experience that’s like tough to digest in a way. (pause) And you’re worried that (pause) the other things you might do, like watch TV or go to the gym or talking about it here, somehow aren’t really going to help much with that. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying it seems to me like this is one way to describe the problem that you’re having at the moment. (long pause)
[00:21:53]
CLIENT: I don’t know. (long pause) I guess (pause) I think the whole time with them, teaching them I mean, the feeling is that like when I’m giving them this, I don’t know, knowledge or whatever, that it’s not like complete or it’s not enough.
[00:22:56]
That’s the [way I was kind of feeling], like I’m not doing this well enough, or I’m not teaching it well enough, or I’m just kind of full of it. So I don’t like I don’t know. (inaudible at 00:23:10). Like it doesn’t really register with me. It doesn’t get in. I’m just so focused on what else can I give them or what else can I teach them.
THERAPIST: How can you make up for it?
CLIENT: Right. (pause) So like I don’t think I’m even fully aware. I’m just kind of in this zone of quickly thinking what’s next, what’s next. It’s not really like registering.
[00:24:03]
I don’t know what’s going on, or kind of I’m getting a sense if they’re getting it or no. But I don’t know. So it’s kind of, I guess, easier to forget or I don’t know. In the end, I just felt like I didn’t like that. Like I don’t like it because I feel I don’t give them enough and then I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess this sort of feels rather catastrophic. (pause)
[00:24:55]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
[00:26:07]
I mean (pause) After they left I guess earlier yesterday we had a meeting with Bryan (inaudible at 00:26:26) and see what they found. I don’t know. And after they left, Bryan came to talk to me. He said “It was fun. They seemed excited with the results” and I just said “They were nice but teaching microarray analysis isn’t my favorite.”
[00:27:04]
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
CLIENT: I don’t know. (long pause) I guess I just take it too personally or something and, I don’t know, I guess I feel like I’m kind of giving them, I don’t know, something I understand and something that’s mine. So it’s just hard kind of not I don’t know.
[00:28:13]
THERAPIST: Like you’re giving it away, you mean?
CLIENT: Right. (pause) Right. Like I made something and I gave it to them but it’s not complete and it’s not they’re supposed to, you know, take that and use it. I don’t know. It’s like I’m responsible or worried. I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm. (pause) Like you give them a boat or something that’s full of holes.
[00:29:03]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
[00:30:08]
THERAPIST: I guess -
CLIENT: Go ahead.
THERAPIST: I was going to say I guess, you know, part of what’s difficult is also that well, I’m thinking that on one side it seems to me you’re actually describing to me your feelings of what happened and then it’s really quite clear. Though I imagine you’re also upset wishing, you know, you could’ve done it better or there was some way to fix how bad you did it or make up for it or something like that. (pause)
[00:31:06]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
THERAPIST: And that’s hard to bear.
CLIENT: (pause) Right. (long pause)
[00:32:05]
I just wish I could kind of step back from things and see the larger picture.
THERAPIST: Mmm-hmm.
CLIENT: I don’t know. And not be so affected by I don’t know. (long pause)
[00:32:58]
THERAPIST: Yeah and [try not to worry about] this kind of thing and not feel like you can just leave work and put it down and not have to think about it or [re-learn to focus] on what you want to do next. (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
[00:35:22]
I guess right now I’m just kind of worried about the anxiety [that comes up for me at the] end of the day. (pause)
THERAPIST: Does anxiety also hit you at the end of sessions here, at times?
CLIENT: (pause) Yeah, and just kind of feeling I don’t know what to do.
THERAPIST: Kind of like you walk out of here and feel like a little disoriented?
[00:36:19]
CLIENT: Right, or when I’m supposed to (inaudible at 00:36:22) from what we discussed.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Yeah, like “what next?”
THERAPIST: I guess it feels like something is missing?
CLIENT: (pause) Right.
THERAPIST: [So you are clear] that you have something you can hold onto like you’re oriented.
CLIENT: Right. (pause)
[00:37:11]
THERAPIST: Unfortunately we have to stop for now. Sorry again for -
CLIENT: No, it’s okay.
THERAPIST: I will see you tomorrow morning.
END TRANSCRIPT
