TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
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CLIENT: I guess I’m a little bit better. I don’t know. [00:01:11] (pause) I guess I don’t know why. Like yesterday I was busy, but I wasn’t so thrown off. I wasn’t feeling too anxious. [00:02:29] (long pause) I wish I could better understand what exactly is bothering me or what I can do to help. (pause) [00:03:29] A lot of what comes to mind is just pushing myself to work more, to plan things after work, to keep myself preoccupied or not allowing myself to go from doing a lot to doing nothing. I just want to keep doing something. (pause) [00:04:42] That’s kind of how I feel about this upcoming weekend. I just need to work or plan a bunch of things to go to or to do. I guess I’m kind of hesitant. I guess I’m always kind of pushing myself. [I can’t help what] (ph?) makes me feel better, but I wish it was more natural or something I wanted to do, not [something I have to] (ph?) push myself to go do. (long pause) [00:06:29]
THERAPIST: I’m wondering if you’re having a reaction to the kind of chance that you can talk here about whatever you want; there is something about that making you anxious and your response is to think about keeping busy and staying focused on doing things. (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:07:22] I also worry about when I have free time what I’m going to do or what I should be doing. I feel like I’m also keeping (inaudible at 00:08:14). I’m not trying to be distracted. I feel like I need time to work on all of the things that are bothering me. [00:08:40] I feel like when I spend time with people, those things will pile up and I guess I just don’t want any more on my plate because I just feel that I’m going to have to behave or do things for others. It’s a lot of extra energy for things that I feel like I should be doing. [00:09:24] (long pause) I guess I really don’t know how to balance it. [00:10:27]
THERAPIST: In a way, you feel a little bit closed in by it.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) Talking to people or interacting makes me feel extremely insecure or just worried. I need reassurance. [00:11:22] I’m sure it’s my fault. It’s not like enjoyable or lighthearted.
THERAPIST: I guess in some ways it can feel more overwhelming and kind of more stressful than work.
CLIENT: Right, because it’s always there – like what’s wrong with me? Why can’t this be better? [00:12:16] (long pause)
THERAPIST: And I guess specifically in response to moments where you feel at odds with the other person? [00:13:14]
CLIENT: A little bit. (long pause) [00:14:02] It just kind of feels like I’m reliant or I’m the one who is needing help or whatever, but it never seems like the opposite, like what are they thinking about this? Like obligated or something. [00:15:09] (pause) I kind of go back and forth with leaving it alone, but then also needing reassurance, [but not too much I don’t think.] (ph?) [00:16:04]
THERAPIST: I guess the problems with feeling dependent in that way are, for one, making you feel kind of crummy by yourself, sort of ashamed; and the other, anticipating that people will walk away or leave in some fashion because you’re too much for them.
CLIENT: Right. Or I don’t bring anything to them or to their worth or enjoyment to the relationship; it’s kind of negative. [00:16:56] (pause)
THERAPIST: It’s as though the other person is going to spend their time shoring you up, and not have a chance to kind of relate to you in some way that’s going to be satisfying. [00:17:57] (pause)
CLIENT: I don’t really know what to do about it. I guess I feel like I kind of have to try to make it better or I should be really nice or feel pressured to make it more enjoyable, but it’s not natural. [00:19:10]
THERAPIST: I guess there is some [giving up] (ph?) there where you’re really at or suppressing that.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:20:43] I guess I’m just kind of all over the place, it seems like, resenting or I need to (inaudible at 00:21:04) more or feeling needy. I would kind of like to stabilize that or [00:21:33] (pause)
THERAPIST: It’s like it feels like this fragmented way of experiencing things.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:23:34]
THERAPIST: I guess I was thinking about your description of yourself where you’re worried that other people are going to feel like you’re just kind of work. I was thinking about a few things. One is how you feel with your work, which I imagine it is a paralyzing sense that you feel like with the items on your to-do list, you’re focusing on them and getting through them and staying on top of them – in a way sort of hold the work together, like it’s kind of stressful and it feels good to get things done. [00:24:37] I think it makes you feel like things are secure at work. I guess I was thinking about maybe you imagine that you feel like that to other people and maybe in the way you relate to me, I guess, in some literal sense, like this is my work; but I guess what comes to me is that you’re, in a way, imagining and projecting that I have a particular experience of it, which is [like yours] (ph?) that I’m here. [00:25:42] Not so much like I’m relating to you or finding it fulfilling, but holding you together. (long pause) [00:26:43]
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:26:45) my friends, but I’ve not thought too much about it. It’s just like your work. But I guess in terms of it being fulfilling, I guess I worry that I’m a downer or something or not easy to deal with ever. [00:28:15] (long pause) I just thought of this, but the UNC interview, I prepped with Melissa and I prepped with Marlowe and I did it twice, first round and then with Marlowe I kind of (inaudible at 00:29:46), exactly what to say and like polished it off better. Something about prepping or knowing what to say helps a lot. [00:30:10] I guess that’s kind of how I feel. What I need to do to go out or talking to friends, one-on-one or something, is I need to prep or think of things to talk about or questions to ask – prepare myself. (pause) I guess it’s not more natural. [00:31:07] I’m not very good at conversation or thinking of things to talk about. (pause) Another aspect of it, as an example, is me needing them. Marlowe might come to me for help for work stuff, but nothing outside of it. I’m kind of the same when I’ve got a problem. [00:32:06] I’m not in a place to give help or be rational. I’m always the needy one. 00:32:15). (pause)
THERAPIST: So you’re kind of a burden.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:33:11]
THERAPIST: And I guess they’re not worried that they’re not really getting much out of it.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) Or I feel like I’m kind of always needing something or there is no enjoyment. Maybe I shouldn’t view friendship that way. Yeah, there is a little bit of that, but it shouldn’t be the main focus. [00:34:09] I feel right now like it’s how it seems, like I’m always needing reassurance or needing help or what should I do? (long pause) [00:37:17]
THERAPIST: I guess it’s kind of in a way like you feel that it’s as though you need a finishing school.
CLIENT: Right. Or my hobbies are kind of stripped away and I’m just left with things I should do, so I don’t have anything that someone could come to talk to me about or something or [even anything] to talk about. [00:38:42]
THERAPIST: Like there’s no personal “you” in there.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:39:41]
THERAPIST: Does it feel, in a way, like a kind of nakedness where – I apologize, in advance, because this isn’t a very good metaphor – but it’s this naked feeling and you can just kind of stand behind things like work or hobbies or interests. It’s not quite the same as wearing clothing like it feels like other people are, which fits them and they picked out or had a preference for or something like that.
CLIENT: Right. Right. (pause) [00:40:47] [The things I like or that I have opinions of or I feel like I’m just stuck.] (ph?) All I have to talk about are all my problems. (Long pause) [00:41:39]
THERAPIST: And I guess so much of what you have to feel is anxiety.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:43:27] I don’t even know what to do. (long pause) I don’t know if I’m being stubborn or something like that, in terms of I should try new things.
THERAPIST: We should stop for now. See you Monday.
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