TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

(pause 00:00:00 00:00:57)

CLIENT: And not much is going on. Kind of things just been—and working on it. (pause 00:01:10 00:01:26) Yeah. (pause 00:01:26 00:01:55) Yeah. Like if yesterday in the middle of the day—I don’t know. I was kind of thinking about (pause 00:02:01 00:02:09)—yeah. I don’t know. Just kind of I feel like since—or like I was thinking about Greg. I got really like upset or like—I don’t know and just kind of like things are never going to be resolved or going to never be—I don’t know. (inaudible) never to be and—I don’t know.

And then, you know, kind of like—I don’t know. Like go back to kind of, you know, work and what I need to do, but I don’t know. And I was talking to (inaudible) today. It’s just kind of like—I don’t know. Kind of hits me with like all these—I don’t know. (pause 00:02:52 00:02:57) Feelings of like, you know, of dread or what I’m going to do. (pause 00:03:00 00:03:04) But I don’t know. (pause 00:03:07 00:03:14) I don’t know.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:03:15 00:03:48) I guess that’s the kind of moment we’ve been talking about.

CLIENT: (pause 00:03:50 00:03:58) And I don’t know. (pause 00:03:59 00:04:03) I don’t know if I’m feeling like stubborn or (inaudible)—but yeah. I think I kind of (inaudible) are willing to deal with it or kind of think about it. (pause 00:04:16 00:04:27) I don’t know. Kind of helps me keep working or kind of keep going. (pause 00:04:31 00:04:35) But yeah. (pause 00:04:36 00:04:43) I don’t know. (pause 00:04:43 00:04:58) I don’t know. I’m just feeling a little—I don’t know. (pause 00:05:01 00:05:05) I don’t know. Like tired of—I don’t know. Working a lot. Or tired of—I don’t know. (pause 00:05:12 00:05:16) I don’t know. Being conflicted or kind of—yeah. (pause 00:05:23 00:05:27) Yeah. I guess I don’t really like—I don’t know. Have another kind of state. I don’t know. (laughter) Like one or the other, but I don’t know.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:05:39 00:06:34) It seems to me that you feel like you and I are perhaps a bit at odds in that (pause 00:06:44 00:06:53) you’re saying you—you know, like yesterday when you started thinking about Paul and then got upset. You know, then were kind of happy to shut that down and focus on work. Which I guess is feeling easier to do—like, you know, in the last few days than it often has. And, you know, especially wanting to think more about that kind of stuff like with Paul. Now either you are really tired and I guess a bit worn out and kind of just as soon not. But I think also have in mind that I—I can’t tell if you are sort of attributing this to me or if it’s actually another side of you. (inaudible).

You’re like, “Well, you should be thinking about it and you should be opening up, you know, the cans of worms.” So, it’s being with whatever is upsetting you or however upsetting it is. (pause 00:08:18 00:08:22) That that is kind of the conflict that you’re referring to which I’m not sure if you’re saying it’s just between you and you. Or it’s also a little between you and me.

CLIENT: (pause 00:08:30 00:08:45) I don’t know. I guess I just feel like I should—I don’t know. Talk about things that are bothering me. (pause 00:08:50 00:08:55) I don’t know. (pause 00:08:55 00:09:04) I don’t know. I guess I also have this kind of—(pause 00:09:06 00:09:10) you know, being a little like fed up with it or something. Just I don’t know. Kind of feeling of like this again. And I don’t know. (pause 00:09:20 00:09:24) Yeah. (pause 00:09:24 00:09:29) I don’t know. Not much is—else is, you know, going on. Yeah. (pause 00:09:32 00:10:37) I don’t know. I guess I feel like I’m kind of—I don’t know. Doing something wrong if I’m—I don’t know. Just kind of working all the time like I should be. Doing something else or—I don’t know. (pause 00:10:50 00:10:56) I’m kind of working on something else.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:10:57 00:11:13) Well, I imagine it makes you feel among other things a bit withdrawn. And I think probably here too in terms of talking about the stuff that’s upsetting you. It feels like something of a withdrawal from me which feels (pause 00:11:29 00:11:33) safer in a way. But I think also a—it leaves you missing something. Or other people. (pause 00:11:45 00:11:53) There’s also a sense—you also have this like judgeth not right. (pause 00:11:56 00:12:04) I’m not necessarily endorsing it, but (inaudible)—it is for you.

CLIENT: (pause 00:12:08 00:12:29) All right. I don’t know. (pause 00:12:33 00:12:52) I don’t know. I guess I kind of would have lost for, you know, what to do. Because I feel like—I don’t know. I should be doing something else or kind of doing something else at work. (pause 00:13:06 00:13:11) But I don’t know. I’m kind of—I don’t know. I already feel like I’m kind of at my limit or kind of—I don’t know. (pause 00:13:18 00:13:22) And I don’t know. (pause 00:13:24 00:13:35) Yeah. I mean I guess it’s just like more things to do or kind of like pushing (inaudible). (pause 00:13:40 00:13:46) Yeah.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:13:46 00:13:52) When you say it seems like more things to do (inaudible) to do things, you’re referring to reaching out more?

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:14:01 00:14:53) Yeah. I have a sense that (pause 00:14:55 00:14:59) maybe there’s this sort of translation that you’re doing where it’s actually that you’re wanting to be closer to people. But somehow that gets translated into another obligation. I mean I know it’s not easy. Like I’m not—that’s not a translation that it’s the way it is. I’m just saying that it’s risky and it’s hard and can lead to upset, difficulty. But I guess what I’m saying is (pause 00:15:28 00:15:32) I think you feel it (pause 00:15:34 00:15:38) perhaps kind of anxiety about wanting to be closer to people per se. And so, you sort of package it for yourself more as like a task or something you should do. (pause 00:15:51 00:15:56) And maybe this sort of vaguely comes from outside in part.

CLIENT: (pause 00:15:59 00:16:15) Right. And I just feel like I should be doing something else. I don’t know. For I don’t know. Enjoyment or something. But everything kind of comes down to me making myself do something rather than pushing myself. Nothing comes because I want to do it. Or, you know, natural. (pause 00:16:35 00:17:05) Or it’s kind of like everything is kind of disappointing. Or I don’t know. It’s not reliable or kind of (pause 00:17:16 00:17:23)—yeah. (pause 00:17:23 00:17:40) I don’t know. I guess I just feel very—I don’t know. Boring. Kind of whiney.

THERAPIST: Did you say whiney?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:17:49 00:19:51) I guess (pause 00:19:51 00:19:57) I’m not being light hearted, but I don’t think it’s a light hearted thing at all. Like (inaudible) maybe like coin a phrase which is like to pull a Paul (ph) on somebody which means like to kind of not be there anymore. Not be available. Or be kind of distant or opaque. And I think there’s sort of a bunch with (inaudible) Paul going on between you and me where you feel, I think, like that’s kind of what you’re doing with me. It just (inaudible) you don’t want to talk about much. You know, kind of fed up. And then I think feeling sort of guilty and self-critical about it. But I think that’s partly in response to the worry that I am going to pull a Paul on you. I mean that’s sort of in a way (inaudible) with people if you start talking. (pause 00:21:08 00:21:15)

You know, I know that there’s a lot of ways in which you, you know, sort of trust me in this regard. But I think also it’s just—it’s kind of a scary thing for you. Worried that I sort of won’t get where you’re coming from or (pause 00:21:33 00:21:44) won’t make sense of it or like—I think you’re worried like I’m going to be sort of distracted off in space somewhere. But more like still I won’t get it or I won’t be (inaudible). I won’t grasp very well where you’re coming from on something. And in that sense like still won’t quite get into me. And we won’t sort of really be able to talk about it. Because that’s part of what (pause 00:22:16 00:22:22)—you’re feeling very mixed about being up for.

CLIENT: (pause 00:22:25 00:22:53) I guess. (pause 00:22:55 00:23:00) You now, I guess it is I just feel like—I don’t know. I don’t have much—I don’t have much to say or kind of much to (pause 00:23:08 00:23:13)—I don’t know. Talk about. (pause 00:23:14 00:23:20) I don’t know if I’m just kind of (pause 00:23:21 00:23:28)—I don’t know what it is. Bunkering myself down to like—I don’t know. Go to work and, you know, deal with, you know, a lot of things. Or I don’t know.

THERAPIST: Maybe also bunkering yourself because we won’t meet again until Monday.

CLIENT: (pause 00:23:52 00:23:59) Maybe. (pause 00:24:00 00:24:15) But yeah, I guess (pause 00:24:16 00:24:27) (inaudible) it’s just—I don’t know. (pause 00:24:30 00:24:35) Kind of just wanting to stay focused, you know. Getting to work and—I don’t know. And do a lot. (pause 00:24:47 00:25:52) I don’t know. (pause 00:25:52 00:26:08) I don’t know. I guess for some reason I feel—like right now it’s like—I don’t know. It’s not like—I don’t know. I don’t really want to complain too much. (pause 00:26:22 00:26:27) I don’t know. Because I mean I’m kind of allows—I don’t know. It sucks up too much energy or, you know, allows (inaudible)—I don’t know. A negative spot. And that kind of (inaudible). So, I don’t really get—I have to remember that—I don’t know.

THERAPIST: You’re saying there’s kind of like—you’re feeling here like you’ve been feeling at work lately. That you just kind of want to stay focused on work stuff and whatever else and don’t really want to get pulled into other things.

CLIENT: Right. But I mean I don’t know. I mean I guess—I can see myself going (inaudible). But I’m not sure. I also feel like I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Going on inside work. (pause 00:27:26 00:27:34) I also feel that first thing, but I don’t know. (pause 00:27:37 00:28:59) I don’t know. And I guess (inaudible) it makes me thing of like—like being on a softball team. Like a lot of—there’s always like drama and there’s like 18 girls. There’s like drama and problems with the coach. Who’s not playing? Who’s playing? And all this stuff and a lot of talk and, you know, with back talk and all this other stuff. And I don’t know. Like me. I would always—I don’t know. I always stay out of it because I’m just like (inaudible) softball. I don’t know.

Like all that talking—negative gets into you and kind of—I don’t know. I don’t know. Affects. I don’t know. How you play or whatever. It gets in your head or something. I guess that’s kind of how I feel about it. But or it reminds me of it. Just like I’m not here to—or like at work I’m not like there to be social or there to—I don’t know. Complain about the bosses. (pause 00:30:14 00:30:20) Just kind of (inaudible) or do my best. (pause 00:30:23 00:30:35) And I know like (inaudible) like talking about things and—but I don’t know. I guess I just feel like not a lot is going on outside of work. So, it doesn’t give me much to talk about.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:30:51 00:31:57) I know you don’t (inaudible), but I think in this mode you feel maybe a little superior (pause 00:32:03 00:32:09) in a way to the other girls on the team. Or to me in that like we want to gossip and chit chat and sort of get absorbed drama. (pause 00:32:24 00:32:30) And (pause 00:32:30 00:32:40) it seems so frivolous, I think, to you.

CLIENT: (pause 00:32:47 00:32:55) I think it just affects me more. (pause 00:32:57 00:33:05) I can’t easily shake it off or kind of bounce back or—I don’t know. So it’s kind of like (pause 00:33:12 00:33:16) allowing myself to be pulled in. (pause 00:33:18 00:33:29) I’m not sure.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:33:29 00:34:25) Yeah. I don’t think we’re necessarily saying different things. Or I should say things that are at odds.

CLIENT: (pause 00:34:32 00:35:11) I mean I guess I just—yeah. I don’t know what to do. I mean (inaudible) like—I don’t know. (pause 00:35:17 00:35:24) Nothing is really coming to mind or, you know.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:35:26 00:36:00) (inaudible). (pause 00:36:02 00:36:07) You’re wanting to stay focused and not get into things that could be overwhelming or (pause 00:36:13 00:36:18) throw you off.

CLIENT: (pause 00:36:18 00:36:26) Right.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:36:26 00:36:46) And this is the best way. At least, you know, that—for the time being. For the time being.

CLIENT: (pause 00:36:58 00:37:18) I don’t know if it’s like (pause 00:37:20 00:37:24)—I don’t know. I mean I just feel also the—the like nature of the experiments that I’m doing. Took three, four hours and then working on (inaudible) which takes a lot of patience. And so, when I’m done, it’s kind of like always like a relief like kind of like getting out of a long meeting or something and wanting—it’s kind of hard to remember like what I need to do. And I don’t want to be affected by it, I guess.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:37:58 00:38:16) It’s a lot to deal with.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:38:19 00:38:27) I think coming here can be a lot to deal with as well.

CLIENT: (pause 00:38:29 00:38:37) At some point. (pause 00:38:38 00:39:00) I guess it’s always that just being kind of conflicted, not sure what to do if—I don’t know the kind of feelings or problems that come up.

THERAPIST: (pause 00:39:12 00:39:30) Yeah. I think you’re having sort of struggling around (pause 00:39:36 00:39:42) like a—or kind of entertaining—I (inaudible) a way to put it. Like a different way of dealing with (pause 00:39:50 00:39:55) the problems you feel you’re having. (pause 00:39:56 00:40:00) And one that can be offending and disturbing in a way that you often try very hard to sort of avoid in the past.

CLIENT: (pause 00:40:10 00:40:45) Yeah. I don’t know. I guess it’s just kind of—I don’t know how to balance or—I don’t know what it is. Or kind of deal with things. (pause 00:40:56 00:41:11) Like problems or situations are always kind of open or (pause 00:41:15 00:41:20)—like, for example, when I can’t make my mind up about Paul. So, it’s always just like open. More back and forth. When things resolve (inaudible).

THERAPIST: (pause 00:41:30 00:42:20) Yes. Something about that openness does (pause 00:42:22 00:42:28) very difficult.

CLIENT: (pause 00:42:29 00:42:36) Right. (pause 00:42:37 00:43:08) Yeah. I mean I guess I just don’t like worrying what the other person is thinking or having to put the burden on the other person. (pause 00:43:17 00:43:36) We need to finish up. (pause 00:43:37 – 00:43:57)

END TRANSCRIPT