TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Before I forget, do you know about Friday?
CLIENT: I don’t think I can come on Friday.
THERAPIST: So then I’ll see you next time on Monday?
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:01:52] Yesterday at work, Marlowe forwarded an e-mail. [ ] (inaudible at 00:02:04) I send samples and data and all that stuff. So he sends me an e-mail, an interaction between he and someone that I’ve talked to before in another lab that’s a part of the project. He was basically forwarding information that I’m in charge of and he was like, “Here. I just wanted to let you know, Molly, that I’ve been talking to and e-mailing this person and can you help me get him some antibodies?” I wondered why didn’t you forward me the initial e-mail when he contacted you? I don’t want to have to talk to Marlowe about it and talk to this person? Why don’t I just talk to that person directly? I was like, “Can you forward me any e-mails like this in the future?” [00:03:12] He got very angry at me and was like, “Did I do something wrong?” I was like, “No, it’s extra work for me to backtrack and see what you said to him, whether you sent him the right things.” He was like, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” I was like, “Exactly. You didn’t know what’s right, so why don’t you just forward me the initial e-mail and just be done? Wash your hands.” Later in the day, Ray comes by and said, “Do you have Marlowe’s replacement samples?”
THERAPIST: Is that a different thing?
CLIENT: Yeah, just something random. [00:03:59] I was like “I’ll ask Marlowe.” I didn’t know what he was referring to. I went to Marlowe and was like, “Ray said something about replacement samples?” He was like, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Blah, blah, blah.” I was like, “I’m just asking. It’s my job to send samples. It’s Thursday. It would be nice to know what’s going on.” He was just angry at me. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Blah, blah, blah.” I was really upset because I asked you to do something? Should I be like, “Oh, please, next time?” I’m just tired of being nice to him and his feelings. I never said he did anything wrong. [00:04:02] I was never . . . I was just like, “Can you forward me those e-mails in the future?” I don’t know. So now it’s going to be him angry at me all the time and giving me these scoffs and stuff like that. Even if I apologize for coming off as being rude, he’s going to be like “yeah, you are rude.” (sniggers) I just don’t want to put myself through that. You make work hard on me by doing these things. It’s easier if I deal with this directly instead of going through you. I don’t like going through you because I don’t trust you. (pause) [00:05:59] So I’m just frustrated about that. I just don’t want to deal with him. There’s always some kind of drama. He’s always coming up to me like, “Would you please? I know you’re so busy.” Why can’t you just be like, “Hey, Molly. I have these samples. Here’s my list,” and then be done. He’s always more of a deal.
THERAPIST: I see. There’s a performance?
CLIENT: Right, like “oh, you’re so busy. You’re under a lot of pressure.” Well, I’m not. It’s just when people come to me with samples, I just want everything to be in order, your samples labeled correctly and then that’s what’s on the sheet that you give me. That’s what the most frustrating thing is, when they don’t match up or I have to do some deciphering and I can’t find you and I’m under pressure. [00:07:00] I don’t think I’m particular about it; it’s just having it in order and having it in the database. He’s always like, “Oh, I know you’re under so much pressure . . .” (sniggers) It’s nothing I get upset about. The main thing is I just don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to have to put up with his snide remarks and looks and whatever. (pause) [00:08:37]
THERAPIST: You sound pretty fed up.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) I feel like I’m just going to get a lecture or something. I didn’t think I did anything wrong, but I don’t know. (long pause) [00:10:26]
THERAPIST: You find him really frustrating to deal with and he acts as though he’s in a kind of emotional drama with you when you’re there just to get work done. [00:11:17] I mean drama in the way that he gets emotional in his responses to you and, also, in the way he presumes to be taking care of how you feel.
CLIENT: “Oh, I know you’re so busy.” [00:12:06] I guess I just want to be done with it. I don’t want to think about it, but I feel like I’m going to be going into battle in terms of things I can say to him or what to do or what to say or not say. I just don’t want to deal with it. I just don’t want it. (pause) [00:13:18]
THERAPIST: It’s really not how you like to do things. (long pause) [00:14:07]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s having this anger has also made me feel a little bit better and not so focused on being tired or overwhelmed. It’s just kind of woke me up a little bit. As much as I resent having to deal with it, there is an energy there or something. [00:15:01] (long pause)
THERAPIST: I think there is some way that being pissed off at him woke you up. [00:16:02]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
THERAPIST: I guess one thought I had was maybe, at least so far, you’ve made it pretty clear you think he’s being ridiculous. [00:17:15] So if you’re annoyed, that makes sense; it’s not really on you. I’m sure you’re not thrilled with it, but (chuckles) if you say you don’t hate him, whether that makes it, clearly not what you want, but at least more acceptable to be angry and upset, which I think you often feel like it really isn’t. [00:18:04] But thanks to Marlowe (chuckles), sometimes it’s appropriate.
CLIENT: Maybe because I feel like I have work to do but I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in the world, I’m just angry at that and put it on him, like you’re making my life more difficult or something. [00:19:05] (pause)
THERAPIST: That may be true. I had in mind something a bit different, although maybe what you’re saying is more what it is. What I had in mind was that it’s a bit enlivening to be able to feel the anger without feeling so bad about feeling it; whereas if you’re frustrated with yourself for not doing well enough, you also feel like you’ve got to really kind of step on that in order to be able to stay focused. [00:20:04] I guess I wonder if, with this, you give yourself a little more leeway, so that kind of helps you feel less tired or overwhelmed or maybe shut down. (pause)
CLIENT: Maybe. (pause) [00:21:07] I think I definitely feel the anger at myself and anxiety about trying to make things better or why are things harder, but I don’t think I actively shut that down or feel bad for feeling that way.
THERAPIST: You mean in general?
CLIENT: Yeah, like . . . [I’m trying to think.] (ph?) (pause) [00:22:15] He might have just known sometimes I get frustrated or angry, very overwhelmed, and maybe I do feel bad for feeling annoyed, but I guess I just don’t feel like I suppress it that much. I don’t want to be that way.
THERAPIST: I see. [So you mean that you don’t like it, by saying that you step on it is just not how it is.] (ph?) [00:23:05]
CLIENT: I don’t think so – or not real actively doing that; not towards myself, at least, I don’t think. (pause)
THERAPIST: Well that’s good. I would be glad to be wrong about that. (pause) [00:24:03]
CLIENT: What’s more paralyzing or making me feel stuck is being conflicted to what I do because nothing I do makes it easier on me or makes me feel better or alleviates the anxiety or anger. I get stuck or kind of conflicted with what do I do with this or how do I fix it? (long pause) [00:26:04] I don’t know. My natural thought is I need to forgive or not be so serious about it or something like that or not be so weighed down by it. But it’s kind of like with Marlowe, if I forgive him the e-mail came off as [ ] (inaudible at 00:27:01), but even if I apologize I’m still going to get so much backlash. [00:27:07] It’s kind of the same way of forgive but nothing is fixed because he’s still mad at me or there’s still so much residual stuff there. (pause) [00:27:57] I don’t know; maybe I’m just being negative. (long pause) [00:29:18]
THERAPIST: Your concern is that maybe you’re being inappropriately negative about having to apologize instead of getting grief from him? (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:30:29]
THERAPIST: As though you’re resentful of that, when you should just be dealing with it or something? (pause) [00:30:55]
CLIENT: Right. [Or I’m frightful or something.] (ph?) (pause) I guess it’s just the feeling of being set up with him and not wanting to deal with it. (pause) [00:32:14] Maybe I’m just tired with him, especially because I’m always in the wrong; I’m always doing something wrong when, in reality, I’m the one who is doing all the work or taking care of everything and he’s making it hard on me. (long pause) [00:33:33] Feeling this way about work and being angry just doesn’t fix anything – or forgive myself or forgive. [ ] (inaudible at 00:33:55) be angry. The problem is still there; it builds up again. (pause) [00:34:24]
THERAPIST: Does it feel like kind of emotional drama is beside the point – kind of free of yourself or feeling angry like this? (pause)
CLIENT: Not really because it feels more real or more [ ] (inaudible at 00:35:02). I guess it feels more like my experience [ ] (inaudible at 00:35:19) [incidents being drama.] (ph?) [00:35:27] (pause)
THERAPIST: I see. So it feels like your experience, but not helpful?
CLIENT: Right. [00:36:19] (long pause) [00:38:02] I guess I’m just not sure of how to go about it, how to keep calm, focus, or not allow things to build; or why I feel so much resentment or anger, just feeling fed up. (long pause) [00:41:03] I guess I was thinking about how other people are more flexible or [secure] (ph?) or something. (pause) [00:42:15]
THERAPIST: [You’re just] (ph?) kind of preoccupied or stuck.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:44:04]
THERAPIST: We should stop for now.
END TRANSCRIPT
