TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
[00:01:00]
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CLIENT: Yeah. Not much is going on. Let’s see.
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CLIENT: Yesterday at work, we had one of the bigger projects that I work on, engine. We had a teleconference meeting, because—and Iris works with a lot of other labs around the country. So, I presented. And everything went fine. [00:02:01] A lot of people seemed excited about the data, are interested and wanted to look at it further. So, that was nice.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. That’s great.
CLIENT: Yeah. And I was talking to my boss. Yeah. He seemed excited about it, too, because, as usual, he told me Monday that we’re actually having this meeting on Tuesday. (laughs)
THERAPIST: (laughs)
CLIENT: And so, he didn’t—I don’t know. Usually, I sometimes (inaudible at 00:02:34) because—I don’t know. I need to—I don’t know. Adjust them or don’t mention this but emphasize this or whatever, so, I think—whatever. He was happy with how I explained it or whatever. And let’s see. [00:03:00] I don’t know. Yeah. Not much is really (crosstalk at 00:03:26) –
THERAPIST: And this time, you presented, but usually, you give him slides and he presents?
CLIENT: No. It’s like a tag team.
THERAPIST: I see
CLIENT: Usually, he just goes over it. Or he asks me to put some slides together. Because I see everyone’s data. Not everyone knows how to—I can process it quickly, make a few slides. [00:04:00] “Here’s what it looks like,” blah, blah, blah. So, usually, I just do that. And (inaudible at 00:04:07) real investment in this—I don’t know. (inaudible at 00:04:11) that was not mine. It’s usually someone else’s. And so, I just throw it together. We talk about it and see if we want to look further into it and stuff like that. But yeah, yesterday, it was—yeah. It was this already (inaudible at 00:04:33) data that we did. I don’t know. It performed well, in terms of you see we just got really good results back and—I don’t know. There was a lot information in there and—I don’t know. I think he just liked it because—or, my boss just liked it because I showed—made up a lot of information, a lot of data and that showed—I made some pictures that show all the—all you can do with the data. [00:05:08] And not just be like, “Well, here’s the data.” I don’t know. (crosstalk at 00:05:11) do this and this and this.
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CLIENT: Because I guess, usually most of these overlap—most (inaudible at 00:05:29) I see, you have plenty of data, you just don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how—you don’t know to process it or something. I guess I think the way I talked about it, watching it get people excited. I don’t know. “Oh, it’s just, okay, another thing I can—don’t really know how to use.” But I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Well, that’s great.
CLIENT: Yeah. [00:06:00]
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CLIENT: Yes. Other than that, yeah, (inaudible at 00:06:20). Not much else has changed. Let’s see.
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[00:07:00]
CLIENT: Yesterday, I was thinking about . . .
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know. What we’ve been talking about, in terms of having—I don’t know. An attention or something to I guess think about or hold onto or something that’s—something—I don’t know. I don’t know. Want from the day or—I don’t know. I don’t know. [00:08:00]
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess I was just thinking about—I don’t know. I don’t know. Things I could tell myself or . . . or I don’t know. How I (inaudible at 00:08:42). I mean, my mind goes to, “Oh, I need to plan everything out. I need to make a—get—be super organized and make a plan for everything.” So, I’m not left—I don’t know. I don’t know. [00:09:05] Lost. I don’t know. I don’t know. But then, I (inaudible at 00:09:19) okay, when I was sitting for the—I don’t know. The (inaudible at 00:09:23) coming I was working on, like the thing I can do every day. There’s a goal. I don’t know. But I don’t know. I don’t think it really made me feel—I don’t know. That much better. Or productive. I don’t know. But I don’t know. I don’t know if it was because it was (inaudible at 00:09:52) fun or not rewarding. [00:10:00]
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CLIENT: My guess is, yeah, I’m just—and then I—I don’t know. And then, I thought, “Oh, well, running (inaudible at 00:10:42) helps. Gives me something to do.” But I don’t know. Yeah.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. [00:11:00] It’s not enough or something.
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THERAPIST: Maybe it’s like a Band-Aid.
CLIENT: Right.
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[00:12:00]
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CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, I just feel like I just don’t know what I—I don’t know. I feel like I need a focus or want—I don’t know. Direction. I’m not okay with just—when I’m not working just relaxing. I wish there’s something I could work on or—but I don’t know. [00:13:00]
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CLIENT: But I don’t know if I’m just—I don’t know. I don’t know. Biting off more than I can chew or something like that. I say I want more things to do or to focus, but I don’t know. Then, I’m always worried about—I don’t know. Energy levels or I don’t know. Be able to do it all or feeling burnt out or—and yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. (inaudible at 00:13:56) skeptical or . . . [00:14:00]
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THERAPIST: I wonder if that also reflects a little bit of anxiety in here over being unsure what to talk about. Or what’s mattering to you in the moment.
CLIENT: Right.
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[00:15:00]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess not much is really—I don’t know. I don’t know. Not much really matters to me, other than in—I don’t know. Just wanting to improve or make things better or . . .
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[00:16:00]
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THERAPIST: I guess I do also wonder if you’re reaching out to me, though, when you say—actually, I was thinking about it and I don’t know about this theory about wanting something to focus on. I mean, in a way, it can help. “If I have a class, it gives me something to do. But actually, when I have a class or I’m—was studying for the (inaudible at 00:16:31), it doesn’t necessarily make things better. I have different worries. But I’m still worried.” And (inaudible at 00:16:40) you don’t necessarily feel that much more grounded. And I think you probably felt some—I mean, in a way, I guess skepticism of your idea that, “Having something I have to focus on,” is going to make things better, too. [00:17:05]
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CLIENT: Right.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess I just feel—yeah. [00:18:06] Not in control or so unsure. I don’t know.
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CLIENT: I don’t know.
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[00:19:00]
THERAPIST: Well, that’s just an unsettling possibility that having something to focus on might make things better in a certain way, but not in a deeper way.
CLIENT: Right.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I think it’s there’s still no—I don’t know. I don’t know what I want out of the day. Or I have some, “I should do this,” or, “Be like this.” [00:20:06] But I don’t know. I can never really do it. And I don’t know. Yeah.
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[00:21:00]
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:21:01) I mean, also, I guess I don’t know if I’m just focusing on the negative or—I don’t know. Yeah.
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[00:22:00]
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CLIENT: I don’t know.
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[00:23:00]
THERAPIST: Well, I guess when I say (inaudible at 00:23:02) sounds like you feel like there’s not really much going on inside of you that—not much about what happens actually does matter, I guess (inaudible at 00:23:17) being productive, getting things done. And even that I guess isn’t necessary fulfilling, in a certain way. It feels good and it makes you less worried if you’re on top of things, but it’s—it doesn’t carry over into what happens after work or something that stays with you (inaudible at 00:23:41) the next day. And, in a way, (inaudible at 00:23:52) and you—and that feels directionless. [00:24:00] I’m sure.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. Right. I guess I’m not—I’m just trying to think of—I don’t know. What the feeling is when I come home or—I was thinking about Tamala, at work. [00:25:14] I don’t know. She’s very excited about everything and of—I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s she must—lets herself off the hook or (inaudible at 00:25:49) when it’s Friday, she’s always like, “Oh, it’s Friday. I’m so excited,” blah, blah, blah. I don’t know. I don’t feel the same way or—I don’t know. [00:26:02] Then again, it might be nice the weekend’s coming, but not—I hope it’s Monday and I have, “What am I going to do?” or—I don’t know. All the little things like that, where she’s—I don’t know. Excited over something but I’m just like, “Well, (inaudible at 00:26:33).” (inaudible at 00:26:35) I don’t know. Like that or something. I don’t know. So, (inaudible at 00:26:38) super negative, like I focus on the wrong things. (crosstalk at 00:26:47)
THERAPIST: It seems to me that maybe you focus away from what you’re feeling or what you’re anticipating. And the weekend can be hard. [00:27:00] And figuring out what to do can be hard. And you can feel anxious or overwhelmed or angst-y. I don’t know that that happens every weekend, but I think it happens fairly often. I mean, we’ve haven’t talked about it detail in a while. But, yeah, my point is it seems maybe the idea that you’re just focusing on the negative is actually focusing away from what you anticipate it will be like. And I understand that you’re anticipating it will be difficult or painful. [00:28:00]
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CLIENT: I guess it’s like I just don’t want to have to deal with—I don’t know. A feeling of the—I don’t know. A feeling of what to do or be super anxious. I don’t know. It’s like the anticipation, I was just like, “Oh, I don’t want to deal with that. What do I do?” It usually happens. It usually (inaudible at 00:28:45). And then, I don’t know. I guess it feels like defeat or—I don’t know. So, Monday, I’m like, “Well, I need to—something needs to change.” Or (inaudible at 00:28:59) “I need to focus.” [00:29:02] Or I don’t want to go through it again. Or I don’t know what to do.
THERAPIST: It’s really bad.
CLIENT: Sometimes. Yeah.
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THERAPIST: I get that your reaction to it, not wanting to deal with it, is like just (inaudible at 00:29:50) the fuck out there.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: I have (inaudible at 00:30:00). [00:30:01] When it’s done, you want something to do and some assurance that you’re never going to be there again.
CLIENT: Right.
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THERAPIST: I guess it’s unbearable, though. You have to deal with it most weekends.
CLIENT: Right.
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[00:31:00]
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CLIENT: Yeah.
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THERAPIST: My position is there’s really no way to deal with something like that, other than getting into it. [00:32:03] Having some sense of what it’s about and why it’s so scary and overwhelming. Metabolizing that kind of experience, however slowly over however much time. And that strategy can—ways of coping or avoiding it can get you out of it maybe at the time. Or can stave it off a little bit sometimes. But don’t really fix it or address it. [00:33:00] I mean, I wish it were otherwise.
CLIENT: Right.
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[00:34:00]
THERAPIST: I guess (inaudible at 00:34:02) also (inaudible at 00:34:02) related to that is I don’t think you’ve had much experience or role model (inaudible at 00:34:19) in your family as far as I understand. Or in the other close relationships you described to me were (ph) doing that.
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CLIENT: Right.
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[00:35:00]
CLIENT: Right.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess it’s like they just told me to relax or tell me to do something I don’t want to do. But it’s (inaudible at 00:35:36).
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THERAPIST: You’re making a little bit of (inaudible at 00:36:01) college or something. [00:36:05] Not knowing what they’re in for and doing all the scary stuff that can happen. You can’t necessarily rely on your family to know about what’s going on or what to do with it or about it.
CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:36:34)
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[00:37:00]
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CLIENT: I don’t know.
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CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess I feel like—I don’t know. Like there’s something I’m still doing that’s going to—allowing this to happen. Or I’m missing something. [00:38:02] Yeah.
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CLIENT: I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Does anything come to mind about what that might be?
CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know. Being more social or—I don’t know. Challenging myself to do more things. Or getting outside of my comfort zone or—I don’t know. [00:39:00]
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CLIENT: Pushing myself to do things.
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[00:40:00]
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THERAPIST: [I think] (ph) you just work hard enough. You just push the envelope enough socially. You’re just (inaudible at 00:40:31) and focused enough. Then, the weekend will come and you’ll know what to do. And you’ll feel together.
CLIENT: Right.
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[00:41:00]
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THERAPIST: In that sense, you don’t actually have to get into this, really. At all. You have to work harder from the outside of it.
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CLIENT: I guess. Or I don’t know. It’s like they’re all bit worries or concerns. Or maybe I’ll be more—I don’t know. Secure in myself or—I don’t know. Happier with the way things are. [00:42:02] And so, I don’t know. Won’t be as consumed or rocked by all these worries. But I don’t know.
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[00:43:00]
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THERAPIST: You’ll be inside, start here, in the face of them.
CLIENT: Right. And so, I don’t know. I’m afraid or I’m more willing to deal with them or something. I don’t know.
THERAPIST: I see. So, you’re not just saying you don’t want to deal with them. Or dealing with them directly, from the inside doesn’t feel like the most helpful way to go. [00:44:08] You’re saying you feel like you really can’t. They just overwhelm you.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: It’s not really an option.
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CLIENT: I guess. [00:45:00]
THERAPIST: I guess I’m going to be fair. I’m not saying I don’t think you ever deal with them or ever try to deal with them. Or never get anywhere dealing with them. I’m just saying that’s what you anticipate about dealing with them. The worries.
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. An example of—I don’t know. I was talking to Vicki about this. The idea of moving back to Boise or—she’s excited about it. Not really worried or seeing this, having to deal with the landlord here. [00:46:04] Or finding a new place or whatever. But, I mean, yeah. I don’t want to deal with those things. I don’t want (inaudible at 00:46:14). Maybe if I did more research, (inaudible at 00:46:17) moved to Boise or a school or all my options, I think I’d really be more excited. But I’m not. I’m just like, “I don’t want to deal with it.”
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THERAPIST: Well, we should stop for now.
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