TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Morning.
CLIENT: Good morning. [Pause] I guess I’ve been feeling I guess a little bit more I guess relaxed about work. The experiment that I’ve been working on for a while, we’re taking a pause halfway to kind of make sure, until we get the results back or whatever to come back. So I’m feeling a little more relieved because it took three or four hours a night because I’m in another building and when I came back I kind of felt rushed or I had to do things immediately when I got back to the lab so I’m running there. And, let’s see [00:02:20]
THERAPIST: Wait, sorry. I got it about taking you’re feeling a bit more relaxed and waiting on the experiment that you’re doing to get sent back to proceed but what about being in another building for three or four hours?
CLIENT: Oh, I guess the reason I was a kind of stressed a little is the experiment what I was doing is called a sort and it’s on this machine that’s in another building across the street. And so I have to leave the lab for three or four hours and then when I came back I was kind of bombarded in a rush because people wanted to [00:03:18]
THERAPIST: I see so you don’t have to do anymore of that for a while until you get the data back. Gotcha.
CLIENT: Right. And, let’s see, yes. [Pause] I guess I’m still pretty annoyed and kind of avoiding Marlowe (ph), I don’t know. I’m just, I don’t know. To me I guess he’s just I don’t know I think I’ve built it up in my mind but I can’t trust anything he says and I just don’t want to, I don’t know. He seems insecure so everything he kind of is saying I feel is formed or kind of, what’s the word, premeditated or something, like he’s going to tell a story or something, I don’t know. [00:05:28]
It’s not, I don’t know. I also feel like it’s hard for me to kind of put up with it or kind of listen, I don’t know. It’s something about it, about me, I don’t know, and -
THERAPIST: Well I gather it feels, it doesn’t feel genuine. It’s sort of purposeful or in a way manipulated. [00:06:08]
CLIENT: Right but also I think my initial response is to avoid or kind of ignore him or something but then I think I should be nice or I should be, I don’t know, I should talk to him. And then I guess that’s what I I guess I don’t like having to be nice or kind of when I have a sick feeling of, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m blaming him for something or I don’t know. After the e-mail exchange we had two weeks ago about just, I don’t know, I forget what happened but he had gotten mad at me later and then I guess it kind of diffused. [00:07:29]
And, I don’t know. But, I’m trying to think, something about I just really don’t want to think about it or deal with it because I’ve had enough and it makes me angry. I don’t know if that means I’m mean or kind of insensitive or something but, yes, I guess for some reason it feels kind of not, not like demonesque or not like [a bad way] (ph), but something like hanging out with him kind of distracts me and makes me angry. And I really don’t want to deal with that so I just don’t keep to myself whatever. But I don’t know what it is. Also I think it’s he’s extremely negative and so [00:09:18]
THERAPIST: What?
CLIENT: He’s extremely negative and then -
THERAPIST: Oh he’s into that, yes.
CLIENT: I don’t know, I kind of, I don’t know. Like the other day we were, I was asking his help, I think it’s was the e-mail on something he worked on. So someone was asking me because it was something he did for the [] and someone (ph) was asking about it. So I said would you just read over my response to make sure it sounds okay? And he said yes, it’s fine. But then he said something like I don’t think anyone could do what, like replicate his project.
He was very negative and so something that we had a project that we want all [] (ph) offices to do and we had kind of piloted it in our labs so he finalized the protocol in front of everyone and wanted everyone to do, but then he says I don’t think this is going to work and all these other things. It was already set in motion. [00:10:40]
I don’t know I guess I got mad at him. I said if we can do it, they can do it. It made me really upset that he was just, I don’t know. Is this going to work? I don’t know so I was just but [pause] anyway [00:11:34]
THERAPIST: Yes, he reminds me of [inaudible at 00:11:36]; he’s got to tear you down.
[Pause]
CLIENT: I don’t know what it is I guess. [Pause] My first I don’t know if I’m being stubborn or something because I don’t want to work on it or kind of it’s not easy so I don’t want to deal with it or, I don’t know. [00:14:12]
THERAPIST: You mean, work on the final attendance (ph)?
CLIENT: Right, kind of keep trying to sort of in order to make, I don’t know. Thinking it was going to go away or I kind of feel like I’m kind of just I’m by myself and kind of building [inaudible at 00:14:36] against him that are kind of brewing in the ceiling of not trusting him.
THERAPIST: I guess that’s a way that hiding your feelings about it separates you from me? [00:15:15]
CLIENT: I’m not sure. Maybe the fact that, I don’t know. It’s kind of hard for me to describe or I really don’t want to get into it or I don’t want to get angry or, I don’t know. I really don’t think that. [Pause] Maybe, I don’t know, I guess my feeling is that I’ve kind of been stubborn about, I’ve just kind of been to myself and kind of doing [inaudible at 00:17:06] like not me or my conflicts I don’t think are going to be easier to me. It’s not pushing myself or kind of, I don’t know, [inaudible at 00:17:31] or something, I don’t know. [00:17:35]
THERAPIST: I see. If you were pushing yourself or taking chances you would be kind of diving right into talking about it and kind of figure out or something why you’re mad at him in the way that you are and what’s going on with that and that sort of thing. [00:18:03]
CLIENT: Right. [Pause] I don’t know.
THERAPIST: And that oh, go ahead.
CLIENT: Oh no, go ahead. [00:19:03]
THERAPIST: That feels, I imagine, sort of as though you may be frustrated with yourself and also feel like you’re letting me down somewhat?
CLIENT: I don’t feel like I’m letting you down I just feel like, I don’t know. Things haven’t really changed and I don’t know if it’s because I’m being stubborn or kind of the same kind of thought process itself mean to push ourselves. I know the usual things that I do and I don’t know if that’s just more like it’s easier and more comfortable than doing other things or the other options. I don’t know. [00:20:49]
I just kind of have a feeling of I’m willing to try different things and kind of I don’t know, kind of [inaudible at 00:21:08] for myself. So I’m not always thinking the same things or kind of going through the same emotional processes. [00:21:36]
THERAPIST: I guess I have a sense that it’s all over the place for you, kind of more actively taking charge of your thoughts and that I think often are the times you don’t say what comes to mind. And I guess that’s typical when it comes to, for example, this with Marlowe (ph) in that you said you always try to go there and at the same time you worry about it and don’t want to. [00:22:43]
[Pause]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess I was feeling the need of justification of some reason or I guess in this instance kind of being not together (ph) and I always feel that I’m wrong or I’m just being mean or I’m just being or blaming him for something or, I don’t know, or maybe immature or something like that. And I guess I can’t, or it feels dangerous or wrong or something or something low, not hatred to spew or something. [00:24:42]
THERAPIST: It’s like you fear sort of retaliation. I mean mostly I guess in your own head but potentially from someone else as well. [00:25:02]
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know I guess it’s just, I don’t think it feels wrong to, I don’t know, chicken out or have these feelings and I don’t know like I’m being immature or something or not play nice or something. [00:26:01]
THERAPIST: Almost seems in a way as though you’re feeling as kind of whatever crime you’re committing by being so mad or so critical of him is kind of worse than whatever crime he may have committed that is part of why you feel that way.
CLIENT: Right. I guess I’m just kind of like why is it so irksome with him, messy or kind of [inaudible at 00:27:03]. Why do those feelings arise but I don’t know. You’re not closing the blinds. [00:27:30]
THERAPIST: No, no, not at all. Sorry. You said on Wednesdays that I haven’t quite caught up on Tuesdays. Better?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: I guess my theory has been that that anxiety that goes along with something like your anger at Marlowe (ph) sort of in a way puts you in these different parts where you’re worried about how badly it must reflect on you, I mean that’s the part we’re talking about now, to be angry with him the way that you are. It means you’re really immature or mean or something. [00:28:57]
But I don’t think those sort of very harsh feelings for yourself make the anger or him go away. Could you [inaudible at 00:29:10] equally bad about it but I don’t think they make it less. I think then you kind of, there’s some part of it that feels still very angry at him and critical and the other part which feels guilty and ashamed for being such a problem for feeling that way. [00:29:51]
And I think it’s a very disconcerting experience I think, really just feeling that anxiety and parts like that. I think it sucks. [00:30:22]
[Pause]
CLIENT: I don’t know if I’m justifying it but just kind of, I don’t know, just looking back at when things were fine with Marlowe (ph) and not spending a lot of time with him, it seemed I was more, yes, consumed by whatever we talked about or just spending time with him that was, it kind of sucked energy out of and now kind of having this being annoyed at him or whatever, yes, it masked this [inaudible at 00:31:56] feeling energy or something, like I’m not, I don’t know. Marlowe (ph) [00:32:10]
THERAPIST: Sorry, what was that?
CLIENT: Like I didn’t like doing things on my own or I don’t know. But I didn’t need him or something like that because maybe our relationship kind of seemed like he was always lecturing me or telling me his opinion about things. So it was very like him kind of dominating or something. And he even described it as I’m his little sister or something and which is fine but maybe just the dynamic was kind of heavy and something about proving that I don’t need him or something like that or I’m better alone or something like that.
THERAPIST: There’s some way that you felt kind of dominated. I mean in a way sure a big brother little sister relationship could be nice. But it doesn’t sound like, sounds like there was at least an aspect of it that really did not feel nice at all, like you were kind of subject to him or something. [00:33:57]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know. I think part of it was he has such strong opinions. I mean I just also described his wife as really into yoga and all these things, which is fine. But there’s kind of like an attitude of, I don’t know, especially from him more than her, like elitism or something. And he’s more closed-minded and things like that. So yes, thinking about it kind of felt, I don’t know, heavy or something like that. I don’t know. [00:35:23]
THERAPIST: And a bit oppressive maybe.
CLIENT: Right. And I don’t know, it’s all in my mind. I can’t, for some reason I can’t keep myself separate from it. I allow it to affect me or something. I can’t just say oh that’s how they are, that’s fine, and accept it. It kind of affects me so then it makes me become emotional or something. I don’t know. [00:36:26]
THERAPIST: I think there’s something charged for you when the relationship feels heavy like that. I mean I guess just sort of in the way you’re describing where, I’m sorry to actually sound like, let’s say he had this ridiculous sense of clothes and wore things that just looked crazy or something like that. You’d say okay, whatever, it’s a little goofy but fine it’s there and it’s one piece of who he is and whatever. [00:37:12]
But that’s somehow, what I gather what you’re saying, it’s not like that with this between you and he. You can’t sort of stand outside really very easily. It makes you mad and I think when I finally push him away, it’s hard to have a kind of perspective on it or something.
CLIENT: Right. [Pause] I don’t, yes I mean I don’t know. I don’t know, sometimes I think when I wasn’t mad at him I was spending a lot of time with that kind of feeling because I was always kind of allowing myself to kind of take a break or kind of, that was kind of the feeling, I guess, that I would do things with him or whatever, I don’t know, and I don’t know. I don’t know why that’s all wrong or kind of, I don’t know. But it’s not like go ahead. [00:39:31]
THERAPIST: So from the phase before you were angry with him and you’d spend more time and I got kind of the [inaudible at 00:39:44] do you mean he was still kind of like that but somehow it didn’t bother you, didn’t make you mad in the way that it is now but it did feel wrong, as though you were kind of going with his being maybe a bit dominating or patronizing or something? [00:40:11]
CLIENT: Right. Well I guess things were being dangerous was me having been relying on them, depending on them or something like that. I don’t know. I’m not really sure.
THERAPIST: We actually should stop for now. [00:41:13]
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