TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
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CLIENT: The amount, I think, was $199.70 or close to that. (long pause) [00:02:01] So on Monday I left work around 3:00 because I wasn’t really feeling very well. I was talking to Howard, the one who [ ] (inaudible at 00:02:19). He’s like an MD PhD. He was like, “Oh, yeah. Something is going around.” (both chuckle) Fantastic. I went home and it kind of got worse. I started feeling better yesterday afternoon. I just kind of sat on the couch. It was kind of hard to do anything or pay attention to a movie or anything. [00:03:05]
THERAPIST: You were feeling that bad then?
CLIENT: Yeah. But it was all right. I got up around 6:00. I got really sick from maybe the spinach dip or whatever. I had pretty bad e coli my sophomore year and was out for like a week, so the whole time I was like, “Well, at least it’s not as bad.” (both laugh) I kept thinking it was going to be over any minute and it would all be better in an hour. It was all right. It wasn’t too bad. [00:03:59] It’s nice to be [ ] (inaudible at 00:04:01)
THERAPIST: I’m glad it was no e coli outbreak.
CLIENT: (chuckling) Right. (long pause) [00:05:04] I’m backed up at work, but I think I’ll be fine. (long pause) [00:06:38] I guess I’m just still feeling a little [ ] (inaudible at 00:06:50). I’m not really looking forward to planning the next several days of work, but everything is fine. (long pause) [00:07:53] [I thought it was really good when my mind was just kind of blank.] (ph?) I can just get back into routine and just being bored. (long pause) [00:09:25]
THERAPIST: By bored, you mean for having been sick and not being able to do anything?
CLIENT: Right; and I’m just kind of tired of [ ] (inaudible at 00:09:44). Yesterday was the first sunny day in a long time and I kind of wanted to get outside.
THERAPIST: It’s like the timing sucks? Yeah, it’s sunny – blech.
CLIENT: (chuckles) Yeah, like I was kind of being kept in or something. (pause) [00:10:47]
THERAPIST: It’s not the end of the world if it lasts that long, but I guess it was kind of a drag to be sick.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I guess it’s always hard for me to accept it and relax. I guess the whole time I was just waiting for there to be a kind of relief. [00:11:59] I was worried about it being indulgent or something.
THERAPIST: There might have been an aspect like any other thing that holds you off of routine where you’re pushing yourself harder or a little anxious to not be up and doing things the way you usually are or it’s frustrating.
CLIENT: I guess. (pause) [00:13:12] I guess it was like hard to concentrate, so I was just worrying about how to catch up. I guess I was a bit dramatic because I was wondering if I did anything to . . .
THERAPIST: Sorry – wait . . ? [00:14:05]
CLIENT: I was just thinking, “How does anyone get anything done or have enough energy?”
THERAPIST: You mean because you didn’t?
CLIENT: Right. There is this thing where I feel like I should have pushed a little more, like maybe gotten outside. It’s kind of the feeling of how does anyone get anything done and push themselves, because I felt like I was being a little indulgent or something or not wanting to do anything. [00:15:03] I think it was just because I couldn’t concentrate to watch anything or read or anything. I was just being bored. (pause) [00:15:56]
THERAPIST: And the thought about “how does anybody get anything done?” was that it was so hard for you when you were feeling crummy to kind of push through that and accomplish something, that it was hard to imagine how other people could be pushing themselves to do things? (pause)
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. (pause) [00:16:59] I think it was just because I kept getting e-mails from work and I just kind of had the feeling of . . . I don’t know. (pause) I think it was just because I couldn’t do anything. I was feeling like a lot of people are able to keep doing this or . . . I don’t know. [00:18:05] I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t accepting that I was sick or just wanting to do better. (pause) [00:19:05]
THERAPIST: In a way, who would want to accept they’re sick? You just have to lie around and not do anything.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:20:27] I guess other than that . . . (pause) [00:21:00] My brother texted me last night and I’m always nervous or scared when he contacts me, but it was just [one of those things.] (ph?) He was just asking me if UNC looks like my final choice. That was it. I think I told you when I first came here that he got a DUI a long time ago, almost two years ago. [00:22:04] He finally got the breathalyzer thing in his car taken out. I guess it’s kind of like or he’s done with his parole. That’s nice. He’s finally free, so I guess that’s good. (long pause) [00:23:35] I guess I bring it up because my brother or my mom calls me it’s always like I’m worried that it’s something I’ll have to deal with. (long pause) [00:24:30]
THERAPIST: I guess one of these days you’ll have to take care of them or come to their rescue in one way or another. That will be pretty demanding.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:25:23] I guess I also feel fragile or something, kind of unable to help them, because I’m overcome with not knowing what to do or not being able to kind of give relief or help or something. (long pause) [00:26:33]
THERAPIST: It’s not just like they’re going to need help or if you do anything in a way that you’re sort of up for but that it is potentially going to throw you as well.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:27:39] I don’t know if this is kind of like . . . I don’t want to be burdened with something or feel like I’m unsure or inadequate to help. (long pause) [00:29:19]
THERAPIST: In a way, it feels like what they need will kind of take you over in a way. Or you feel like they’re making a big demand that you have to deal with, but maybe you can’t and then you will feel frustrated with them or resentful for being difficult or not dealing with it themselves. [00:30:05]
CLIENT: Right. [ ] (inaudible at 00:30:31) (long pause) [00:31:11] I mean with my mom it feels like I should work on the relationship or something, but talking to her for one, I have so much resentment and two, being around her infuriates me. [00:31:56] I feel like she’s not trying or putting any effort into making any situation better or being a contributing person or something; but I’m just supposed to put up with it and allow it to happen, even though it’s just irritating [ ] (inaudible at 00:32:53) [00:32:56] (pause) [ ]
THERAPIST: As opposed to express your resentment in some fashion by pushing her away one way or another. (pause)
CLIENT: I feel like I have. It’s not like she ever has an answer or why. I think she was doing the best she could, but I don’t believe it. It’s a cop out or a lie. [00:34:01]
THERAPIST: To be clear, I wasn’t saying that I think this is what you should do. It’s just like you sounded like you have two alternatives in mind and I guess I wanted to make sure that I was clear about what the other one was, although I get that the problem here is that neither one of them is any good. Sitting there seething doesn’t work and saying something to her doesn’t work either. You’re stuck with being infuriated and helpless either way.
CLIENT: Right. (pause) [00:35:16] But in the end, I have no idea what I want as an outcome. I would rather just not deal with it. There is not something I want to strive for; I just don’t want to deal with it. [00:36:00] (long pause) [00:37:16] In my mind there’s no [feeling okay or being happy about this.] (ph?) (pause) [00:38:27]
THERAPIST: It’s been frustrating that I haven’t made any viable suggestions or had some other way to help you feel better about it. (pause) [00:39:04]
CLIENT: I kind of just blame her. (long pause) [00:39:59] I don’t know if there is any solution [ ] (inaudible at 00:40:02). [00:40:03] (long pause) [00:41:40]
THERAPIST: I guess it makes me think a little bit of you being sick, which I guess renders you similarly helpless and frustrated. In some ways, it’s much easier because you know it’s going to pass. I guess some of the feelings seem similar. (pause) [00:42:29]
CLIENT: I guess – I mean, yeah. (pause) I don’t know. I get angry. I don’t know. [00:43:04] I guess at her.
THERAPIST: Why don’t we stop for now.
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