TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
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THERAPIST: Hi. (long pause) [00:01:03]
CLIENT: Not much is going on. [I’m just seeing stuff that is being easy at work.] (ph?) I guess I’m feeling okay and not so anxious.
THERAPIST: That’s good. (pause) [00:01:59]
CLIENT: I guess I’m still keeping a little bit of distance from people or being alone, trying to get my stuff done that I need to. I guess it’s not just because I’m anxious or anything. It’s what’s more comfortable or I’m thinking what else I need to do, being in that mode. [00:03:19] I guess it’s very controlled. Other than that, (pause) there’s the feeling of I need to be working on something or working on myself or I should be thinking about something in particular. [00:04:47]
THERAPIST: I wonder if, at this moment, that’s partly a manifestation of the state you’re describing in here, where we’re just kind of talking and saying stuff and it feels more social. Whereas if you are here, knowing that you need to focus on this or work on that or something, it’s more task-oriented and feels safer?
CLIENT: I guess it gives me something to talk about, to be in task mode. [00:05:50] (long pause) [00:07:26] I guess things have been a little boring, kind of mundane, but I feel like I’m working enough and pushing myself to do small things, like cooking or working out or whatever. But I’m not tired at the end of the day, so I guess I feel it’s a day well spent or something. [00:08:15]
THERAPIST: I imagine [ ] (inaudible at 00:08:36).
CLIENT: I guess sometimes. (pause)
THERAPIST: What do you mean? [00:08:58]
CLIENT: Sometimes I like to feel productive, but I guess I’m just always wanting something more. I could be doing what I’m doing better. I guess I’m not very mindful. It’s just habitual, these things that I’m kind of doing. I guess the pushing myself comes with getting started. [00:10:03] That’s kind of in play. [ ] (inaudible at 00:10:05) (pause)
THERAPIST: So there is still a lack of a sense of fulfillment in a way or satisfaction or maybe a sense of yourself in it, in a way? [00:11:05]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) I don’t know. (pause) [00:11:57] I guess it seems kind of silly to be thinking about it or [ ] (inaudible at 00:12:07). (pause)
THERAPIST: I wonder if you feel less sure of its importance because I didn’t get what you meant or I didn’t see how this was the thing at first, like maybe you don’t really have anything to complain about. (pause) [00:13:05]
CLIENT: I don’t know. It just seems like I’m unsure what I want and it’s like I feel if I could figure all that out it would be better, but I don’t know. It’s not so much that . . . (pause) I don’t know. [00:14:15] I guess I just feel like I’m being nitpicky or complaining about something that’s fine or something. (long pause) [00:16:02]
THERAPIST: So is this one of those moments where you kind of feel two different ways at once – both figuring out what you actually want matters and like you’re making something out of nothing and are just complaining?
CLIENT: I don’t know. I feel like it’s the whole thing. If I’m unsatisfied with something then just figure out what I want to change it and then just deal with it. It feels like the same thought. [00:17:05] It’s like I need to not think about it, but just kind of figure it out. (pause)
THERAPIST: I see. So the point isn’t the thoughts of complaining about not knowing what you want; the point is to just figure out what you want and you should just go about doing that?
CLIENT: Right. [00:17:54] (long pause) I guess figuring out what I want seems messy or not plausible or very uncertain. (pause) [00:19:29] I guess that’s why it kind of seems okay that it’s fine, what I am doing. It’s not negative or it’s positive things or something. (pause) [00:20:36]
THERAPIST: Figuring out what you want seems daunting and maybe frightening. It can be difficult to do and you anticipate it will be kind of a messy thing to do.
CLIENT: Right. Yeah. In the end it will just lead to more disappointment or throw me off track or something. [00:21:26] (long pause) [00:22:28] It’s all very vague or . . . I don’t know. (long pause) [00:23:46] I guess it always kind of seems of ways of filling time or distracting me from feeling down.
THERAPIST: The way you want, you mean?
CLIENT: Yeah, and what I do, like what I’m supposed to do next. But it works and it’s fine for the most part. [00:24:32]
THERAPIST: You’re also saying there is kind of an underlying feeling down? (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:25:29] I don’t know. It’s kind of a feeling of giving up or being lazy or just general disappointment, I guess.
THERAPIST: I think your [impression is pretty big.] (ph?) (pause) [00:26:26]
CLIENT: [ ] (inaudible at 00:26:27) (pause)
THERAPIST: Maybe that’s related to the question of what you want, in that you don’t want that to be there. (pause)
CLIENT: Right. [00:27:19] (pause) Maybe it’s just something – I don’t know – satisfaction or . . . yeah. (long pause) [00:30:01] I guess it just comes down to I don’t know what to do or that I have to keep doing the same thing. It’s manageable enough. Some things aren’t too out of control. I don’t know. (pause) [00:31:19]
THERAPIST: What you do works, for the most part, when you can do it, to keep you from feeling that underlying down feeling?
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:32:35] But I don’t know. I guess it feels like I’m just complaining about change or something silly or indulgent. (long pause) [00:33:27]
THERAPIST: My sense is that you kind of feel like you’re talking about conditions in your life that feel fundamental and, I guess, unchangeable if you could imagine what it would look like if it were different, I think. You might as well be complaining about something else that is inevitably characteristic of you or something.
CLIENT: Right. [00:34:17] (long pause) [00:35:07] I guess if I’m just being resistant or stubborn or . . . (long pause)
THERAPIST: I see. If you weren’t, you would have more of an idea how you could change these things or that being able to talk about them would make them different in some way? [00:36:11]
CLIENT: Right, but I don’t know.
THERAPIST: I’m not saying that’s the case, I’m just saying that’s your concern.
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. I’m kind of not sure. [00:37:01] I guess I don’t know how to [say it.] (ph?) (long pause) It’s kind of a feeling like resistance or stubbornness, but I don’t know what to change or how to even start or if there is anything else there [ ] (inaudible at 00:38:23) or if it’s just me being emotional or something. [00:38:39] (long pause) [00:39:43]
THERAPIST: Maybe you’re kind of overwhelmed. (long pause)
CLIENT: It just feels like a lot of things that I do that are ingrained or what I push myself to do is holding off this despair and I don’t know how else to look at it or if that’s a way of being stubborn or [safe] (ph?) or whatever. [00:41:22] (long pause) [00:42:34]
THERAPIST: Saying things about it is significant. It’s huge significance, really, in a way that you don’t often do.
CLIENT: It seems like I guess I’ve been complaining or not being grateful or [ ] (inaudible at 00:43:15). (pause) For the most part, I’m functioning. (pause) [00:44:04]
THERAPIST: You seem quite sure that you’re doing something wrong, and I think also that this makes you a real downer. (pause) [00:45:14] We only have a minute. I think this is actually quite important in your life and I take your point that you’re functioning pretty well and things are going okay, so that makes you feel ungrateful to complain – or and as though you are complaining. It seems to me that it’s a big part of how you feel, though, which kind of makes it important in its own right, even if there is a lot you’re able to get done. We should stop for now.
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