TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: I’m going to be out Wednesday, two weeks from today.
CLIENT: I think it’s the 16th or something.
THERAPIST: May 21st, 22nd and 23rd. Tomorrow is the 9th; today is the 8th, so yeah. (long pause) [00:02:02]
CLIENT: Things are just the same in terms of I haven’t really been thinking too much about what I want or how I’m doing. I’m just kind of doing things or trying to keep busy. (long pause) [00:03:29] I guess right now it seems like I just want to stay in this mode or want to make sure that I’m doing the things I can to stay positive or be productive and doing things. (long pause) [00:06:15] The only thing that’s really on my mind is I’ve been reading this book called The Goldfinch. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.
THERAPIST: I have heard of it.
CLIENT: You might or might not have read it. My roommate read it and gave it to me. It’s kind of an epic book. It’s like 800 pages and I’m almost done with it. The main character, we kind of follow him through his childhood and [ ] (inaudible at 00:06:57) [00:07:05] He’s doesn’t really do life well and he’s always got problems or he’s creating problems himself and I just kind of get angry at him for not getting out of these situations or taking better care of himself or something. I’ve just been thinking about that book. (long pause) [00:09:03]
I talked to my sister and brother a little bit. I guess he’s seeing doctors and he’s trying medication, but he doesn’t really like it. (pause) It’s kind of hard to talk to him about this stuff because he gets so negative in terms of like when he tried Lexapro or something and it made him feel sick; so he stopped taking it. Maybe he was going to go to the doctor to try something else. He was like, “I don’t want to take medication.” I was like, “That’s fine, but if you don’t take medication,” because I know he doesn’t exercise. [00:10:39] My brother says, “Well, I stand for 40 hours a week.” He works in a coffee shop. He’s like, “My joints hurt. Swimming, biking, whatever, costs money.” Blah, blah, blah – every excuse. It’s hard to motivate him to find something that will make him feel better. There is this resistance, I guess, so it’s hard to be helpful when everything is shot down. [00:11:33]
THERAPIST: I imagine you get annoyed.
CLIENT: Right. But I kind of understand where he’s coming from. I know the feeling of trying things and nothing seems to work or everything costs a lot of money. It seems impossible or something. I understand where he’s coming from. [00:12:30] (long pause) I guess it’s still just wait and see what’s going to happen. [00:13:38] (long pause) [00:14:44]
THERAPIST: I guess I imagine it feels like a bit of a risk to talk about some of the things that you are bring up, like your novel or your brother, and that you may be worried that something that comes up or that I point to could throw you out of this protective mode that you’ve been in. [00:15:34] (pause)
CLIENT: I don’t know. Maybe a little. I just don’t have very much to say about either one or I haven’t spent time. Like I’ve been thinking about the book, but I haven’t really thought of an idea or I haven’t been harping on my brother. [00:16:32] (long pause) [00:17:23] I guess nobody is going to [ ] (inaudible at 00:17:25) in terms of how much to say about it or . . . (long pause)
THERAPIST: Although you did have some things to say about both of them. [00:18:07]
CLIENT: I guess.
THERAPIST: Even some slightly similar things.
CLIENT: I guess. I don’t know. I guess I don’t have anything more to say about it other than what’s happened and that happened and analysis [ ] (inaudible at 00:19:18) about it. [00:19:20] (long pause) [00:20:48]
THERAPIST: I assume that part of the implication there is that that feels somewhat like something is missing for you?
CLIENT: Right. I mean I guess I’m just in this doing mode and I’m trying not to worry or think about things. [00:21:54] I guess it makes things easier. (long pause) [00:22:51] It’s good because there are so many things to do at work. At home it’s easier to think about or focus on something to do just so I don’t feel bad about doing nothing.
THERAPIST: You feel like there is a bit of anxiety in your efforts to stay focused on stuff, like it’s a way you’re protecting yourself or coping? [00:23:57]
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Not that it’s bad to get things done, but that’s not all that’s going on.
CLIENT: I don’t know. On Friday, I worked out during lunch, but then afterwards I was just really tired from working out and drained and it was really hard to focus. Friday afternoon was hard. Now I’m in the state to stay focused or productive. [00:25:04] It just feels like I’m doing something wrong or like I can allow myself to do things that will make me feel worse later or regret. In my mind I always go to “how can I prevent that?” or “what do other people do?” or if I’m in that state again, what I’m going to do to push through it or whatever. [00:26:03]
THERAPIST: Yeah, your focus is a lot on how to stay out of it and get out of it because it’s [ ] (inaudible at 00:26:18) agitated, [ ] that you’ve done something wrong. (long pause) [00:27:10]
CLIENT: That’s all I seem to be focusing on.
THERAPIST: I’m suspect there is an aspect of it that, in this case, involves keeping some distance from me, which I’m not intending to mean as part of an argument that you shouldn’t. I’m just saying I think that’s part of how this works. [00:28:05] (pause)
CLIENT: Maybe in terms of self-sufficient or like [I’m taking the role] (ph?) of being productive or something, but I don’t know. My mind just [comes up as there] (ph?) is something I need to say or worthy of sharing or something. [00:29:10] (pause) I just seem stuck.
THERAPIST: I see. So to you it’s not exactly the same, but more in the vein of not having an opinion or analysis of something? [00:30:09]
CLIENT: Right. (long pause)
THERAPIST: Which I also think that feels crummy. I don’t mean crummy overall, but just that sense of not having more to say or more that you feel excited or opinionated about or something. [00:31:20]
CLIENT: I guess. I guess I feel like I need to think about something or come up with something beforehand, develop or talk about. It just feels like I need to take advantage of or better [leverage] (ph?) this, I guess. [00:32:15] (long pause) [00:34:50] I guess I was kind of thinking about Vicki and Marlowe. They’ve been kind of annoying me, but I guess in my mind I’m like “I don’t want them in my life,” but
then I’m always like “just be nice” or “not burning bridges” or . . .
THERAPIST: I think part of what’s hard to manage is you often have strong reactions to how they’re treating you or what they’re doing or what they have to say. [00:36:13] (pause)
CLIENT: Right. I guess I don’t know if I’m just expecting too much or want more. (pause) [00:37:27] I guess I’m just annoyed.
THERAPIST: What you’re referring to is them. I don’t have the sense you’re annoyed with me, although maybe I’m missing it.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: It’s more like you’re worried by – and either annoyed at or critical of you – that I feel as you, I think, can feel about them. Like I’m expecting you to – and you’re expecting you, too, I think – to have more to say or more opinions or something here. [00:38:20] (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I guess just talking I feel like there is not much to say – very stuck. That’s annoying. [00:39:25]
THERAPIST: Sure. In some ways, it’s a little bit like what you were saying about your brother or the antagonist in the novel, where your brother, I guess, seems kind of stuck. In a way he’s trying these things, but in a way he’s pretty quick to dismiss them or shut them down or explain why they couldn’t work. Even if some of his reasons are good ones, I guess the sense I get from you is that it feels like there is also something else going on, too. [00:40:32]
CLIENT: It’s just like there is no option of doing anything better or an alternative.
THERAPIST: I see. It feels very much like this is just all [it’s going to come to be.] (ph?)
CLIENT: Right. Right. (long pause) [00:42:02]
THERAPIST: Why don’t we stop for now.
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