TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
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CLIENT: Next week I can’t come Monday or Tuesday. Do you know what the date is Monday?
THERAPIST: The 28th, I think.
CLIENT: Right. [00:00:55] (long pause) Things are going all right, just working. [00:02:06] (pause) I feel like I have a lot of things to do or experiments next week and in the future, so it’s just been feeling like I have to prepare to do things. [00:03:02] I’m also feeling a bit aimless or not very neutral or not wanting too much to think about it and that I’ll do that later. I guess I’ve been more thinking about what I need to do today instead of planning too much in the future. (long pause) [00:04:37]
THERAPIST: I wonder if some of it stems from not coming here. (pause)
CLIENT: Maybe. I feel like I just have a lot of things that are coming up and maybe I’m not trying to feel too overwhelmed and not thinking about them too much and trying to remain level where I don’t get too anxious. [00:05:35] (long pause) Maybe coming here gives me time to think about how I’m feeling, but then I kind of get critical about not doing much better. [00:06:34] But I guess I have been feeling the last couple of days like I need something to chew on or process because I’ve kind of been just doing little things and not working out or thinking about things I need to do. (pause) [00:07:59]
THERAPIST: This may be similar but not quite and it sounds like what you were saying, but maybe coming here helps you to feel more confident and that what you feel about things matters and that’s what you can put out there. But then you also feel kind of anxious and guilty and self-critical about the indulgence – maybe that’s the best word – for doing that. [00:08:46] (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (pause) I don’t know. I feel like for me if I complain too much or think about or analyze something or a situation, it just makes me kind of worse or I feel it more or I get more angry or it doesn’t go away, so it’s better to try to . . . [00:10:04] Or maybe it’s just easier to say that I’m being too much or too critical and I should not think about it. I don’t know. (pause)
THERAPIST: Being more immersed in it feels bad and you don’t really like how you can be, I guess, about that stuff. [00:11:01]
CLIENT: Right. (pause) I guess I just don’t think it’s helpful to [ ] (inaudible at 00:11:33) feelings. [I’m not being childish because I’m angry and maybe] (ph?) I don’t really want to deal with people. If I allow myself to feel what’s upsetting me. [00:12:15] (long pause) [00:13:58] So I guess I just don’t know what else I can do, other than try to go to work, be busy, or avoid situations that will provoke me or something. (long pause) [00:16:21] I guess I kind of feel a bit aimless in terms of I don’t know what I should be working on, myself or what I should be thinking about. I feel it’s always like I’m not shutting down anger or resentment or worry. [00:17:00]
THERAPIST: So the part about you said you feel a bit aimless in terms of not knowing whether you should be working on it yourself. I’m not clear what you mean when you say you feel like it’s always shutting down anger or resentment or worry. Do you mean like that is the actual work, in a way, that you are often doing on yourself?
CLIENT: I guess going to work this thing will bother me or someone will bother me and I’ll feel bad, angry or whatever, and so I just kind of try to let it go. [00:18:05] But then it’s kind of like what do I think about now? I try not to think about how I’m angry or something, and that’s when I feel kind of aimless. What do I need to do to correct this? (pause)
THERAPIST: So this is where you kind of want a strategy and I am kind of leading you off in the beyond or when you’re in an impossible situation where you need some sort of instrumental way to deal with your anger or other emotional reactions in these kinds of situations. [00:19:35] And you don’t have one or don’t know of one. (long pause)
CLIENT: I don’t know. [00:20:12] I guess I’m making myself feel apathetic about it, like this is what’s going on now or this is how I feel now. I feel aimless, but I’m not too emotional or I can control it. (pause) [00:21:16]
THERAPIST: Well this is an unusual session, in a way. We haven’t met in just over a week and we’re not going to meet for almost two weeks. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah. (long pause) [00:22:46] I want to be free of criticism or free of feeling angry. This is the best way to kind of deal with it right now. I know I need better ways of processing or dealing with my emotions, but I guess I don’t really know how to go about it. I’ve been trying to let it go or shut down. [00:23:54] (pause) [00:24:56]
THERAPIST: I guess what you’re saying is this is what I need to be doing right now and I don’t really know a better way.
CLIENT: I’m fine; I’m doing my normal stuff, so . . . (long pause) [00:28:15] I guess I just don’t know what else to do. (long pause) [00:29:59]
THERAPIST: I guess I have the sense that it can feel, when you’re in this mode, that there is something missing for you in the aimlessness and apathy and, I gather, a sort of fairly narrow focus on work. But it’s also hard to put your finger on what that is that’s missing and a lot of things about your emotional life feel very frightening and overwhelming. [00:31:00] I can see how it’s crucial to keep them at bay. (long pause) [00:32:01]
CLIENT: I guess it seems that other people respond well and seem calmer or not angry. I know I need to deal with things or process them, but I guess in terms of what’s missing, I don’t know what I need to get over it. [00:33:14] (long pause) [00:34:42]
THERAPIST: I imagine you’re kind of worried about getting pulled out of this state. (long pause) [00:35:40] In our conversations, both things you say and sometimes things I say sort of do that.
CLIENT: Right. I think it’s just because I don’t know what to do or kind of feel stuck.
THERAPIST: When you say that you think it’s because you don’t know what to do, I’m aware that you don’t know what to do about some of the things you feel; but I guess I’m not sure what you mean by that there. [00:36:32]
CLIENT: Like what I should work on in terms of myself or what I should be thinking about. (long pause) [00:37:17] It’s kind of like how to do my day or go about my day.
THERAPIST: It feels like it is a very practical question, but also, I guess, kind of an anxious one. (pause)
CLIENT: Right. (pause)
THERAPIST: In a way, it sounds like you’re saying, “What do I do and how do I handle this? What’s the right approach to handling that?” But in other ways it’s like, “Oh, my God. I feel lost.” [00:38:43] I’m not sure how to deal with the interactions or emotional responses to people.
CLIENT: Right. (long pause) [00:40:30] It just seems like I’m losing some kind of direction or what I want or the confidence that I’m doing something right.
THERAPIST: [And what feels right] (ph?) in light of how you can be upset by or critical of your emotional responses or other people. [00:42:00] Isn’t that the goal, to try to manage something or not be vulnerable to something that maybe you can’t entirely manage or can’t avoid your vulnerability to? It’s a really scary situation, I think, and it’s not that you can’t do it, but it’s hard to know what direction to take or how to do it or hard to feel confident in approaching that. [00:42:54] (pause)
THERAPIST: We should stop for now. I’ll see you on Wednesday?
CLIENT: Right.
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