TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Good morning.

CLIENT: Good morning. (pause) So my life has been really intense in the last week or so.

THERAPIST: I'm sorry, I'm going to push the shade over a little bit.

CLIENT: Okay. So I'm not backlit. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: (chuckles) Yeah, really intense.

CLIENT: There's been like — I don't know. I kind of want to get into all of it, but I also kind of want to talk about it on a meta level of like — (pause) Every time I talk to my parents and they ask me what's going on in my life, I say "nothing new" even though there's all this stuff going on because I know they would react badly to all of it.

[00:00:59]

I mean, both the good stuff and the bad stuff. Like I can't — and then I ask them what's going on in their lives and they said "nothing new" and that's actually true because they're shut-ins pretty much. Not actually shut-ins. They go to their jobs and things, but they have no friends, they have no social life, they have no family connections. The biggest excitement in my parents' life is, you know, working themselves up into a state of fury over some perceived insult delivered by some other family member. Working themselves up into a state of fury over a situation between two other family members that doesn't involve them and taking sides and taking things personally that really have nothing to do with them.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And like I guess everyone needs to get excitement from somewhere. That's where my parents get theirs. It's really depressing to think about, but also at the same time, there's this contradictory sense I have that I am somehow doing something wrong in my life. That like there is always so much excitement going on around me and things just aren't quiet and calm and peaceful.

[00:02:07]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I feel like I ought to be going to work and coming home and, you know, making dinner and reading books or watching TV and that should be my life. And that's not actually what I want. When that was my life, I was pretty miserable, but it still — it's what I grew up with and it's what I feel like that's how you're supposed to be an adult.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: (pause) Like that's not — (pause) Yeah. So, I don't know. It's tough. (long pause)

[00:03:32]

THERAPIST: Hmmm.

CLIENT: I can't tell if you're waiting for me to say something else or if you're framing something that you're about to say.

THERAPIST: Well, I'm thinking about what you said, and I'm not sure yet if I'm going to have something to say yet.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But you should feel free to talk if you want.

CLIENT: (chuckles) Okay.

THERAPIST: And I'm sure I will.

CLIENT: Yeah, so stuff that's been going on. I go to training on the letterpress on Sunday, partly because the press shop doesn't really feel safe anymore, partly because the rules for the press shop are kind of restrictive, and it would be nice to have access to a shop where I could say sell things I make for profit. That would be nice. Partly because the press is just better suited to large format printing.

[00:04:32]

But anyway, I did that and that was lots of work and lots of fun. I had all kinds of feelings about standard imposter syndrome stuff, and do I really know what I'm doing, do I really get to call myself an artist, et cetera, et cetera.

And also — so it uses the same type and the same lockup as the — well, not the same lockup, but a similar enough lockup, and because I told them I have 12 years of experience doing jobs, they said "Oh, we won't supervise you when you're setting type for your project because we trust that you know what you're doing." And it turns out that some of the things that I was taught by the journeymen in the Harvard press shop are workarounds to problems specific to our shop and our lack of a certain kind of tool for cutting lead.

[00:05:29]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So I was taught to always leave one pica of space between the leading and the composing, and I know you don't know what any of those terms mean.

THERAPIST: It's okay.

CLIENT: So I showed up in the shop and started setting type and when I was done, I was having trouble getting it to lock up, and the person who was going to be training me and actually operating the press said "Why did you leave so much space between the leading and the composing?" and I said "Well, that's how I was taught to do it." She was like "No, no, no, you want there to be, you know, maybe one-thousandths of an inch space." A pica is a twelfth of an inch.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Well, .12666 inches because English units are stupid. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: (laughter)

[00:06:16]

CLIENT: But anyway, so yeah, and I just — I felt very ashamed about that and just had a hard time getting past the shame reflex of oh, I did something wrong, I must be terrible and horrible. (sighing) (long pause)

THERAPIST: And I gather this is one reason it's better to just be a proverbial shut-in.

CLIENT: True. But then I don't get to do awesome things like, you know, print chapbooks of poetry for my friends. But yeah, that was tough.

[00:07:22]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then another tough thing that happened was Tuesday morning —

THERAPIST: I'm sorry. I guess I meant that more, the comment, on where your parents are coming from —

CLIENT: Oh.

THERAPIST: — than on — I guess it could've sounded quite callous, it occurs to me, to have said it that way.

CLIENT: (chuckles)

THERAPIST: I didn't mean that in the sense of, you know, well just take your lumps, you know?

CLIENT: Right, right. No, I know.

THERAPIST: But I imagine that it's just that sort of thing, feeling kind of humiliated —

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

THERAPIST: That sort of with your parents themselves and their sort of communication to you about not doing stuff.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [I think more important.]

[00:08:29]

CLIENT: Yeah. It's true. (sighing) That's definitely true. (pause) Yeah. So the other really tough thing that happened this week is Tuesday. Was it just Tuesday? No, it was Monday, Monday morning. My friend Lori called me. Her partner has been abusing her for months. Her partner sexually assaulted her in December and has established a pattern of demanding sex acts that Lori doesn't want to do and when Lori says no, continuing to pester. If Lori continues to enforce the boundary, she will then start self-harming, like physical injuries.

[00:09:35]

At one point she gouged a scar across her face, saying "This is your fault for not doing what I want." And my reaction to that was "Holy fuck, that is not okay."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Apparently they've been in couples' counseling since the sexual assault in December, and their counselor has been telling Lori, you know, "Oh, these things just happen in relationships. You have to compromise on sex acts. Stop making such a big deal about it." And my reaction to that was also "Holy fuck, that is not okay. You need to fire this counselor right now and find someone who is not going to tell you that sexual assault isn't sexual assault."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And through all of this, you know, I'd been hearing bits and pieces of this over the last six months and of course reacting to what I heard.

[00:10:37]

I only got the full, everything-that's-been-going-on on Monday, and it was really horrifying. And I broke a long-standing rule of mine which is, you know, I don't tell friends of mine that they need to break up with their partners. I actually told Lori "This is bad. I really think you should break up with her. If you don't, I understand and you know, I will still be your friend and you will still have my support. But this is really, really bad."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "And I really encourage you to call the rape crisis hotline, like right now." So they broke up. They lived together. Lori owns the house, Astrid (ph) rents from her and Astrid (ph) refused to leave.

THERAPIST: Oh.

[00:11:26]

CLIENT: (pause) And the last thing I heard last night, we were IMING and the last message Lori sent was, you know, "Oh shit, she just walked in and is crying at me, I have to go" and she logged off and then didn't answer her phone. (sighing) (long pause) I just — I don't even know. I want to fly out there and find her couples' counselor and punch her in the face.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: That's just —

THERAPIST: They live in another state?

CLIENT: They live in Montana.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's —

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: — really profoundly terrible, and there is nothing I can do about it other than, you know, be a supportive friend she can talk to and that really kind of sucks.

[00:12:31]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And, you know, this coming on top of everything that's been happening with Cricket (ph) and on top of having been assaulted myself two months ago —

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: — I'm just — (sighing) I'm really stressed and unhappy about everything.

THERAPIST: There's been more, right?

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

THERAPIST: I mean, there was your friend from college [and all that stuff that blew up with him].

CLIENT: Yeah, there's that also. I had forgotten about that because that was six months ago which might have been forever ago.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (sighing) This spring has just been — you know, I'm no longer speaking to him.

THERAPIST: Oh.

[00:13:21]

CLIENT: It broke my heart to cut him off but it was — (pause) You know, every time he talked about his ex to me, he would vilify her. And when I refused to join in, he would accuse me of taking her side and, you know, how dare I think he's a terrible person. And finally I was just like "Well, you did terrible things. I don't think you're a bad person. I don't believe in [essentializing] statements like that, but you did some terrible things and you're not remorseful about it. This is very upsetting to me and we're done." (sighing) (pause)

So after my workshop Sunday, I went to Cricket's (ph) house to help her pack up. She has like a collection of 200 vials of (inaudible at 00:14:17) perfume oils. I don't know if you're familiar with (inaudible at 00:14:19). They're a perfume oil manufacturer. They have kind of a cult following among geeks in the greater area. They produce a lot of limited edition perfumes that you can no longer get unless you can find someone reselling them.

[00:14:35]

Anyway, Cricket (ph) sold a bunch of these online to raise money for her lawyer's fees for her civil suit against her ex-partner who raped and beat her. So I went over to her house Sunday to help her bubble wrap and package and label.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And it was really, really weird being in her house without Emmett there. Like because every time I've been over there, he's been there. He would be hanging out with us and joining us in whatever we were doing, flirting and making coffee for us. It was so strange for him not to be there. (pause) I don't know. I have trouble dealing with that also. I mean — (pause)

[00:15:23]

I've spent time with Cricket (ph) and I heard her talk about and read her write about what he did to her and all of the aftermath and all of the fallout, and I've been there helping her with the fundraisers. That's why we're doing this poetry chapbook, to raise money for her legal fees. So it's not like I didn't know, but it didn't feel real until I was there in her house and he wasn't there. It was like, where's Emmett? Oh right, he's not here because he's a rapist. (sighing)

And there's really no one I can talk about how weird that is to, except here because like clearly my feeling that it's weird for Emmett not to be there is so very not the salient thing for any of our friends who know Cricket (ph), right? Like that's — but it was still really weird and hard for me. (long pause) (sighing)

[00:16:50]

I guess that's the other thing. If you don't have friends or people you care about, then, you know, all these terrible things that happen to your people you know don't really affect you emotionally as much. (pause)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:17:11)

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: And I guess also that makes you feel a bit responsible when you're hurt or upset by something like that. In other words —

CLIENT: Oh yes, there's definitely this voice in my head telling me that I brought all this on myself even though no, I really didn't.

THERAPIST: Right.

[00:17:43]

CLIENT: There's also the voice in my head accusing me of being a drama queen even though I don't think I've done anything to compound or magnify the terribleness going on around me.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: (pause) And not everything is terrible although, you know, I find I don't need to spend as much time processing the things that are going on. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: So I have a meeting scheduled for Friday morning with a lawyer to help me file business paperwork and draw up contracts for my micro press. I've decided to actually go forward with that.

THERAPIST: Oh, congratulations.

CLIENT: I will not be quitting my day job or trying to do this full-time, but I do have my next project after Cricket's (ph) chapbook lined up. And I found a studio —

THERAPIST: [Is this on the new press?]

[00:18:42]

CLIENT: No, this is on a press elsewhere actually.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Because the one I trained on on Sunday is way too expensive. They charge $50 an hour for studio time.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Which, you know, for a 70-page chapbook would put production costs at like $27 to $29 a copy.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Which is far more than I could possibly sell them for.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: But there's another —

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: It's like 2 miles from my house. It is super convenient.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But like way too expensive.

THERAPIST: I see that.

CLIENT: But there is a shop a little further that charges $40 a day —

THERAPIST: Oh, that's a lot less [than per hour].

CLIENT: — which is far more affordable, yeah. So I'm going to be going down there probably in August to do their orientation and certification and prove that yes, I know what I'm doing and won't lose a limb and cause them to lose their insurance.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

[00:19:39]

CLIENT: And I'll be using that for the next project after Cricket's (ph) chapbook. Cricket's (ph) chapbook I'm going to do on the Harvard press.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: But yeah. So I'm going to get that set up and then I'll have studio access for my next book. I've got an editor lined up and already have two authors who are going to write me poems to go in it. So I'll be sending out invitation letters to all the authors after I have some template contracts drawn up. (chuckles) Yeah, so that's super exciting.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: I'm seeing Tracy again tomorrow night.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: And that's going really well.

THERAPIST: Oh good.

CLIENT: (pause) And I got a bonus at work last [week].

[00:20:41]

THERAPIST: Oh, congratulations.

CLIENT: It's 500 units of stock to vest over four years, which means I don't actually get usable cash but I get to pay taxes as if I did.

THERAPIST: Congratulations. (chuckles)

CLIENT: (laughter) Hopefully the stock goes up in value.

THERAPIST: Right. (chuckles)

CLIENT: Yeah, work doesn't hate me. (pause) I also realized Monday was my one-year anniversary.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: And for the first time ever in my professional career, I've been at a job for a year and I'm not sick of it. I don't hate it. I don't feel like I'm constantly embattled at work. I don't feel like my boss is a terrible human being. And you know, for a while I was worried that I'm just, you know, just like my dad, you know?

[00:21:48]

THERAPIST: [I remember that].

CLIENT: At every job, it's someone else's fault that it goes poorly, not mine.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: But you know — I mean, there are challenges. Like I struggle with productivity and the ability to stay focused and insecurities and all of that and that's all on me. I'm still happy with this job. I'm not looking for an exit.

THERAPIST: That's great.

CLIENT: That's huge.

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: I would like to be better at my job.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But — I don't know.

THERAPIST: [I guess it's a lot better than it's generally been at work].

CLIENT: Yep. (long pause)

[00:23:40]

THERAPIST: I guess (inaudible at 00:23:41) making you anxious, both the bad things which even if are sort of not your fault for happening in the first place, your fault for getting tangled up in or being affected by even.

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

THERAPIST: And the good things because, oh my God — (pause) It's very scary probably for things to be going well and moreover to be talking about it.

CLIENT: Yep. It could all fall apart at any minute.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And then I'll look foolish.

THERAPIST: And — yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You'll look foolish and some version of being able to tell you "I told you so" or something like that.

CLIENT: Maybe. (pause)

[00:24:43]

THERAPIST: I mean, not a need that you consciously think about —

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: But a need that's present enough that's making you feel anxious.

CLIENT: Sure, yeah. (pause) This sounds a lot like a conversation I had with Dave last night.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: So I'm putting together this anthology as a fundraiser for an organization which exists to support authors of color.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I've talked about it before. And so my plan is to assemble the book. I've got editors and authors and things and studio time and sell it and, you know, keep a portion of the cost of the book to cover materials and pay myself a wage and to pay my editors and authors and then donate all the rest to the society. I thought Junot Diaz, who is a very famous author —

THERAPIST: I've heard of him, yeah.

[00:25:43]

CLIENT: — is a professor.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So I have a tenuous connection. So I thought, you know, I have nothing to lose if I sent him an e-mail or even show up at his office hours and tell him about it which there's a good chance he already knows about but maybe not, and saying "I'm doing this fundraiser and would you submit something to my chapbook? I'm going to be printing it at Harvard. You can see the print shop if you want." (chuckles)

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: I mean, the worst that can happen is he says no and then I'm exactly where I started from because, you know, he's not going to — I don't know. Like I've spun out all these horrible, dire fantasy scenarios where he then goes and tells people I'm a horrible person or something. That's not going to happen. He's got better things to do with his time then ruin my not-a-career. (chuckles)

[00:26:43]

Like the worst that can happen is he says no and I'm exactly where I started from. But I'm still just filled with complete dread and anxiety at the thought of actually sending the e-mail. I've got it composed and it's been sitting in my outbox for like three days now. I haven't been able to bring myself to send it. (pause) Because something terrible might happen. I'm not sure what, but it would be terrible. (long pause)

[00:27:39]

THERAPIST: Well, I think you anticipate abuse. I imagine — (pause) that you do feel like it, as sort of shocking and awful as it can be, probably also feels a bit like "See, that's what happens when you get involved with other people."

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Yeah.

THERAPIST: They (pause) jump all over you in the cruelest sort of way.

[00:28:48]

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And (pause) there is this kind of split where subconsciously you know that whether Diaz contributed or not, he would believe in what you're doing.

CLIENT: I would hope so.

THERAPIST: You know, he might not have time or whatever.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And might not do it or just might not do this kind of thing.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: For whatever reason.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: But would probably be positive about it.

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

THERAPIST: But another level, like you're reaching out to somebody.

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

[00:29:45]

THERAPIST: And anticipate that they'll take advantage of that kind of opening.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And trash you (pause) which is harder to get a hold of because there's a way in which it doesn't make sense or you say you know it won't happen.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: I guess you have fantasies about it.

CLIENT: (pause) I don't know why all my fantasies are all terrible. (pause) I think it's the feeling that [all the wrong people] have fantasies or like spin out what-ifs for the future.

[00:30:49]

(inaudible) famous or beautiful or, you know, wonderful things happening. Of course that's kind of the point of fantasy, but no. Every time I engage in flights of fancy, it's all bad. Terrible. (long pause)

[00:32:44]

(sighing) The other thing I realized recently was for a month now, I've been planning events and scheduling commitments like weeks or even months into the future and have actually been able to follow through on all of them, which is huge. (pause) It's just a completely new way of living where I can make plans for four weeks from now and have a reasonable confidence that I will actually like be well enough to go out and do it.

Apparently this is a thing other people just take for granted, but for most of my life, I couldn't schedule more than a week in advance because like the odds of my having a day where I just could not get out of bed and could not do anything were too high. I didn't want to flake out on people.

[00:33:48]

But I cancelled one commitment in the last three months. (pause) Well, cancelled one because of mental health stuff. I had to cancel a voice lesson because I had a sore throat. I had to cancel a piano lesson because a work thing got in the way, but I think those are different and don't count for these purposes.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But yeah, it's — it was kind of funny when I realized that. That, you know, I was talking to someone from church and trying to plan a meeting to talk about stuff and said "Well, let's schedule for August." That's like two months in the future.

[00:34:44]

I don't know. This is all very strange to me. I'm glad, but I don't quite know what to do with it. (pause) I'm afraid it will fall apart. It will all fall apart. (long pause)

[00:36:09]

THERAPIST: (inaudible) shaky?

CLIENT: (sighing) Not so much shaky as — (pause) (sighing) I don't know. Shaky is the wrong word, but definitely a sense of there being kind of an unstable equilibrium. Like clearly I've found an equilibrium point, but there is a lot of work that goes into staying here, you know. If anything slips, I don't know. I want to use the metaphor of the inverted pendulum, but I don't know if you're familiar with that, if that makes sense to you at all.

THERAPIST: [What is the inverted pendulum?]

CLIENT: The inverted pendulum is, you know, you have a base, a hinge, a pole and then a weight. At the top you want to hold the weight steady directly above it.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

[00:37:07]

CLIENT: And so you need a very carefully calibrated control system to keep it in place because obviously, you know, long narrow support and then large heavy weight, if it wiggled even half a degree, the weight will overcome the center of gravity —

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: — and flop. So you need a very finely tuned control system guiding the motor at the bottom to compensate for, you know, gusts of winds or vibration of the table, et cetera, et cetera.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: And if, you know, anything falls out of tune, like the tolerances are very tight. You have maybe a one percent margin on (inaudible at 00:37:42), for example. And if anything falls out of alignment, it all just falls down. I had to build one for a project for a class in undergrad. It was possibly the hardest undergrad project I did.

THERAPIST: Sorry, a joke is going through my head about how it's good [to keep twerking] (ph).

[00:38:10]

CLIENT: (laughter) That's terrible.

THERAPIST: (chuckles) (inaudible at 00:38:16)

CLIENT: (chuckles) But yeah, stuff. I don't know. I feel like I ought to pull back the throttle a little bit and, you know, cut back on things I'm promising people just to make sure I have a margin. (pause)

THERAPIST: I guess I wonder if you feel anxious about this and I imagine — you said it's one piece of what's helping.

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm.

[00:39:04]

THERAPIST: And whether it feels like, you know, (inaudible at 00:39:07) getting all fucked up or (inaudible at 00:39:09).

CLIENT: I don't know. It's certainly not on the forefront of my mind.

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm.

CLIENT: (pause) I mean, I rather frequently worry that I'm not making enough use of these sessions and that, you know, there's something I could be doing to be more productive, but that's different. (sighing)

THERAPIST: Mmmm-hmmm. (long pause)

[00:40:26]

CLIENT: Yeah. (long pause)

THERAPIST: It's more like — kind of like [your degree of mental health is precarious].

CLIENT: Yep. (long pause)

[00:42:41]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I've been trying to figure out kind of where, in a way, where I am in this. I think it's probably where you started that, you know, talking to your parents on the phone and pretending with them not to risk telling them what's going on.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And taking more risks here, telling me what's going on, particularly (inaudible at 00:43:14).

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Where you're kind of wary of [blame or feeling at fault] (ph).

CLIENT: Right.

[00:43:38]

THERAPIST: In all the things you're doing or the ways you're putting yourself out there, putting yourself in people's hands.

CLIENT: Mmmm-hmmm. (pause) It's scary.

THERAPIST: Uh huh. (pause) Yeah. (pause) Yeah, I think in a way, you anticipate abuse.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: (pause) We should stop.

CLIENT: Yep. See you tomorrow.

THERAPIST: Yes.

END TRANSCRIPT