TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Let’s see. [Pause] I guess this is kind of [inaudible at 00:01:47] but I don’t know, I guess I’ve been kind of feeling, I don’t know. Yes, I guess kind of in a blah or in a fog or something and I don’t know. I guess, just, I don’t know I guess just a feeling of not wanting to do very much. And [pause] I don’t know, just work stuff I feel like I kind of want to push everything off or, and I don’t know [pause] kind of needing a break or at least. But I don’t know I feel like I just had a break but I don’t know. [Pause] Yes, I guess I just feel like I’m kind of not functioning at whole mode or whatever. I just feel like kind of doing the bare minimum or I don’t know. [Pause] [00:04:07]
So I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of looking for kind of not help but kind of like inspiration from people of what to do or for distraction but I guess it always feels kind of worse. [Pause] I don’t know. I’m not really sure. [00:05:46]
THERAPIST: What are we sort of?
CLIENT: Like I’ve gotten further off track or I need recovery time from spending time with others or I don’t know. Just kind of I guess just less protected if I’m distracted or hanging out with others. But I don’t know. [Pause] I guess I’m not really thinking much other that just kind of treating it like another day of doing a bunch of stuff but trying not to get exhausted by anything or try to get as much as soon as I can done but I don’t know. [Pause] [00:08:23]
THERAPIST: I wonder if other people entirely [inaudible at 00:08:58] and puts in touch with some things you’re feeling bad about like stuff like your brother, stuff that you’re worried about like grad school. And it is hard to sort of put that away and really refocus on work or things that make you feel more energized. [00:09:45]
CLIENT: [Pause] I guess. I don’t know. I guess, I guess I just seem to like things that are kind of repetitive and even kind of, I don’t know. Just at work and seeing people and it just kind of seems like [pause] just kind of the same and always kind of makes me feel the same kind of not accomplished or not getting a lot done. And I guess it’s hard for me to kind of be resilient, I guess, from kind of feeling this way or kind of beat. Personally it’s like a bolt of, I don’t know, kind of not work or not be hard on myself. [00:12:13]
THERAPIST: [Pause] Being hard on yourself or staying with your work rather than doing something else. Those things, they usually win? [00:13:10]
CLIENT: Well, other, I guess they’re distractions. I’m more, I don’t know, easily persuaded by other people not to do my work or not to bend. [Pause]
THERAPIST: Sorry. I mean, I knew you were saying that somebody’s trying to say not to be hard on yourself or go (ph) by yourself or no, take it easy, take a break, don’t work so hard. Usually they lose and feeling better at yourself or queuing (ph) with your work wins. But it’s not that way. Sometimes people will kind of pull you off what you’re doing but then you’ll feel lousy for it? [00:14:24]
CLIENT: Right, yes. I don’t know. Like an example Saturday I went to work but then Marlowe was with Bernie and he said don’t work, don’t work, I know you’ve been through a lot today. And I don’t know, so just other things. But I think it’s just the feeling of not getting what I need to be doing done and I don’t know. [00:15:15]
I don’t know, I guess I’m kind of feeling anxious and kind of unable to do it all or kind of deal with everything or I don’t know. [Pause]
THERAPIST: I see so [inaudible at 00:17:58] Devin meaning that he’s been away trying to be this kind of, just like more playing on your weakness. [00:18:10]
CLIENT: Right. [Pause] That’s it’s hard to describe. I don’t know. I just feel now I want to be doing a lot more work and just things for myself and, I don’t know, I don’t it’s hard to do the things or it’s hard to some people were (ph) were not being kind of but I don’t know because I don’t know if I’m torn because I don’t want anything, I don’t know. And any more I feel like I need sort of, I need to feel a break or relief still. I don’t know it’s kind of hard to describe. [Pause] [00:20:10]
THERAPIST: Because the situation is, or how you’re feeling is in a way irreconcilable in that you’re going to get angry at yourself and feel down if you don’t work harder and get more done and be more disciplined. At the same time, you’re going to be unhappy if you don’t get a break or a chance to take it easy or and that’s all true at the same time? [00:21:13]
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. [Pause] It’s kind of like, I don’t know, like saying I’m going on with a hike with someone and that person wants to take breaks all the time and it’s hard hiking so I understand why they want to take breaks; I get tired too. But I know I can keep going or a break later, stopping, pushing through would be just more I always feel better; I’m more productive. But it’s hard so or I’m tired and so I am easily persuaded. [00:22:36]
And then the bag just, I don’t know. And then once we stop, all the soreness kind of [inaudible at 00:22:46] all the because I’m just kind of pushing through. [Pause]
THERAPIST: I guess I keep thinking about are you imagining how that may seem simple here because if you are on a hike and I keep talking about well where are you sore and how sore and in what way and how are we deciding together when we take breaks and if we’re taking breaks and what we may need. Which really kind of takes away from the hiking part which is the part that so often makes you feel better, like you’re accomplishing something and capable and together. [00:27:44] [Pause]
CLIENT: Right. I don’t know. I guess I just feel like I keep on falling into the same repetition, like I can never kind of do what I want and I know I need to do them or change my focus or I don’t know or do something else or I don’t know. Some of it seems so mundane or progressing or not doing anything or something. [00:29:11]
THERAPIST: Well it’s very hard because this is the way that you know and the way that has worked to the extent that it’s worked, you have to stay focused and work hard and get things done and keep pushing.
CLIENT: Right. And I don’t like the other alternative or [pause] I mean I don’t know what to do I mean it’s [inaudible at 00:31:04]. [Pause] I guess I just feel angry and I don’t know what I can do to balance kind of the cycle that’s, I don’t know. It seems like I tried but I don’t know. [00:32:39]
THERAPIST: When you refer to the other alternative, what do you have in mind?
CLIENT: Just kind of not pushing myself, kind of just doing work when I feel like it or I don’t know, just not caring. I don’t know. [Pause] [00:33:37]
THERAPIST: I see. You don’t want it to turn into something I think that you don’t really respect and sort of don’t want for yourself and I think know wouldn’t work, like you just wouldn’t react well to that. [00:35:12]
CLIENT: Right, I’d just feel guilty. [Pause]
THERAPIST: I think you feel I’m trying to push that one on you sometimes. [00:35:58]
CLIENT: [Pause] No but I don’t things are more complicated. I mean I do feel like other people try to do that, maybe they need it, but I don’t know. I think there’s something else or something kind of to kind of loosen the grip or something kind of, I don’t know. [00:37:27]
THERAPIST: [Pause] You mean like have a sense of, have a third thing in mind but sort of blank what that is?
CLIENT: I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Or it involves kind of your becoming more flexible about how you do things than you are now? [00:38:27]
CLIENT: Right. Or, yes, but I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know. I can’t do that. I can’t I don’t know. I just cannot leave something and do nothing or -
THERAPIST: So one thing that seems clear is that these, the two ways that you spell out, the way you want to be doing things and the alternative that you don’t like, I think are both really yours. Now it may be that other people kind of take up the mantle of, like Marlowe, of the alternative way but I think it’s actually your construction. It’s your fantasy and I don’t mean it’s not true of how you do things but I mean it’s your own idea that if you’re not sort of focused and disciplined and so forth that you won’t do anything or I mean it’s sort of like a foil. [00:40:01]
CLIENT: Right. Well, yes, I feel like I have to kind of push off or push through this laziness or this because if I don’t do that then I won’t do anything and then it kind of just makes things a little worse and then I push myself even more. I don’t know it’s just like [pause] [00:40:56]
THERAPIST: Well what’s coming to mind? [00:43:22]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I guess I just kind of feel frustrated that, I don’t know. There’s these [inaudible at 00:43:55] that I want to do and I never seem to finish them or get to them. [Pause] [00:44:09]
THERAPIST: What do you have in mind? [00:45:44]
CLIENT: I don’t know, just like work and I don’t know. I’m finding other things to do and, I don’t know. [Pause] It seems like I’m not able to change or, I don’t know. [Pause] [00:47:00]
THERAPIST: Well I do think you’re pretty stuck in this dilemma. At least for my part, I don’t need I’d say you’re not able to change. I think maybe we should stop. Also a scheduling thing, this is irrespective of whatever changes you [seem to pick] (ph). I had 7:45 kind of open up on Monday if you’d rather that than the 9:15. Either one is fine for me; I just figured I’d let you know. [00:49:01]
CLIENT: Okay. That could work. I’ll do that.
THERAPIST: You want to do that or you want to do Friday?
CLIENT: I’ll [inaudible at 00:49:11]?
THERAPIST: Yes. [00:49:26]
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