TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Just to make sure often it seems like it's been tough to come to the second appointment in a week. Two is not too many though.
CLIENT: It's not because of anything like that. Just right now, it's been... like all of a sudden...
THERAPIST: Yea, (inaudible at 0:00:14) happened.
CLIENT: Yea, it's been like I've been working, working, working. And then all of a sudden, it's been one of those things where it's... my health is just...
THERAPIST: Yea. No that's fine. I just...
CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:00:23).
THERAPIST: ...wanted to check in.
CLIENT: Yea. It's not... no, no, no, no. Oh my God. I just blew up at somebody at the cell phone place. I've been having this problem lately where I just have very little patience for people bullshitting me. And so I kind of literally said fuck you and left. I learned this behavior by watching my customers, I think. Yea, so I just didn't feel like... I mean, I was getting the run around (inaudible at 0:00:53) and this and that. And I'm just like, "You know what? I'm done here." And it's really kind of driving my spouse crazy because sometimes it's when I've been doing this lately it hasn't been all that productive. It's something that we need to do, but it's just like...
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:01:07).
CLIENT: No but any particular thing.
THERAPIST: Oh, OK. Yea, yea, yea.
CLIENT: And I mean it's like, "Yep, I can tell that you are doing business the way they should be. So I am just taking my business elsewhere or going to go try somebody else or something." And I think it's just really pushing his buttons right now because it's counterproductive. But at the same time, it's like I don't like being... things that I now absolutely are untrue or unfair. Yea, so that was kind of exciting.
Oh, I did talk to my parents. This is actually kind of embarrassing. This is not like a I forgot on purpose kind of thing. But I apparently never told them that I spent my trust fund seventeen years ago. Yea, I thought I did. And maybe the just forgot. Yea. [0:02:01]
THERAPIST: And did you spend it mostly on Mike's (ph) education?
CLIENT: Education, our bills, an engagement ring. I sort of made it seem like it was more a honeymoon and an engagement ring kind of thing but... yea. That was embarrassing. It wasn't like a I didn't tell them because I was afraid to tell them. They know I bought my own engagement ring. I just neglected to say where the money came from, which at 20 years old, I'm not really sure where they thought it would come from.
THERAPIST: Where could it possibly come from? Yea.
CLIENT: Yea. So... but it's been 15 years. So I could like... I don't know where... yea, so that was sort of embarrassing. I talked to them and this is sort of... they have a really extremely reasonable proposal. I'm just exhausted just thinking about it, though. My dad feels as if I am exceptionally good tactically. Like handling the situations and things like that. But I really have a weak point strategically. [0:03:05] And so what he wants me to do is make a five year plan with milestones for my life as to where I'm going with this. And how I'm going to make sure I never get in this situation ever again. And we're going to sit down and talk it over on Christmas Day. And then they'll consider it.
So it's a problem. I mean, as long as it isn't like I'm planning to run away and join the circus, I'm sure I'll be fine. But it is actually something that it is a reflection of something that I do know that is true. And I don't... I am so and he explained that I'm overusing the fact I'm so good at handling things tactically in the moment getting these things done that sometimes I don't because of that, I rely on my ability to think on my feet and scramble. And not necessarily be able to look at the long term of things. [0:03:58]
THERAPIST: Well (pause) that may be. But it seems to me a huge... there are other huge factors that...
CLIENT: I know. And we're going to take that into account. There's going to be fail safes that along the way trust me. This is the way they plan. Like it's going to be like if this, then that. Like as long as this is happening and that this milestone and this milestone.
THERAPIST: Yea, no, no. (inaudible at 0:04:39). Yea but like there's a lot I don't know. But in your history, it seemed to me that you've been hugely affected by things like Mike's addiction in the way that sort of drove you out of defense work. [0:05:02]
CLIENT: Which they don't know about.
THERAPIST: Oh, they don't?
CLIENT: Oh, they don't know anything about his addiction.
THERAPIST: Wow, that's right.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: So that's one thing. And then your...
CLIENT: They know he struggles with depression. And they know on some level that his family is crazy. But they don't have any sort of details. They know that he'll come around.
THERAPIST: And then obviously there's a... the other one is your health.
CLIENT: Yea. And that's actually something where there is going to be there's definitely going to be leeway on that. It's more about other types of things. It's...
THERAPIST: I'm curious as to what bad or strategic decisions you've made?
CLIENT: Nonstrategic decisions. Like where am I next year? That kind of stuff. Or what am I doing to maybe not necessarily even a financial plan for myself but, what am I planning? What kind of goals do I have? [0:06:00] What do I... how am I going to mark...
THERAPIST: If you had done that five years ago, what would you have decided differently? The reason that I'm asking is because I'm imagining a lot of the variance in your financial situation or your income is due to things that you haven't been able to predict and control. And that in a possibly characteristic fashion, you're focusing on the aspect of rather than sort of ways you could have known what to do or could have control. I'm not at all thinking it's a bad thing to plan.
CLIENT: No, no. It's just that I spent...
(crosstalk)
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:06:53) weakness of...
CLIENT: Yea. It's just that I have spent money in ways that I do regret. And I wish I could get it back. [0:07:00]
THERAPIST: Oh, OK.
CLIENT: Mostly in terms of supporting Mike's (ph) family in some way or another, going out to visit, spending money on the children, things like that. There were other things too. But it doesn't have to mean... the thing is that this is not about my own lying (ph) thing.
THERAPIST: Yea. [Now I understand] (ph).
CLIENT: Even if it's what... he just feels like I'm sort of just wandering aimlessly around. And even if I'm not earning, what am I doing with myself?
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: What am I doing in terms of this? What am I doing? Am I deciding that I'm going to start learning languages again? Or you know what I mean? What am I going to do with myself? And my mom put it... she said that I just seem like a lost soul a lost soul that really figures things out really fast but doesn't really know where I'm going in life. (crying) And (pause) I just feel like I just need to get more grounded. (pause) [0:07:59] Mind you, remember that they have very limited information on based upon to make these decision. And then based on the information that they have, it's very easy to see this.
THERAPIST: Oh, I... absolutely. I am not intending to sort of criticize where they're coming from. I guess my concern is... and maybe it's misplaced so it's good that you're getting to...
CLIENT: Yea, mind you, I've been out of sight, out of mind. They have no idea. I mean, this is going to be a conversation with me and my father and my mother. Mike (ph) is there. Like this is a conversation about this. And they really feel like they just need to know what's going on and where I'm going towards to have them shell out multiple thousands of dollars to bail me out.
THERAPIST: And they have no idea how incredibly difficult and often unattainable things have been for you in terms of...
CLIENT: Yea.
THERAPIST: ...health stuff. They...
CLIENT: They've got a pretty close idea but not as much.
THERAPIST: Like then it takes you two hours to get to bed that you can't physically work four hours. Then you're working that you go home and crash at 5 o'clock and wake up the next...
CLIENT: Five a.m. on the next day. Yep. [0:09:11]
THERAPIST: That you rarely feel up to going out on the weekend. That...
CLIENT: They don't know much about that right now.
THERAPIST: Yea. Let alone like that your husband has an addiction that consumes so much of his time and energy and takes so much away from your relationship.
CLIENT: Yea. They don't know.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And so part of it is going to be talking to them about this.
THERAPIST: Yea. I see.
CLIENT: But I feel really strongly that they're right on it. They're very right. I used to be a very strong planner and extremely Type A on so many things. And then now because of the fact that I know how much things don't work to plan that I just haven't been doing it. [0:10:06] And they're right. This is their... this is... I mean, this is their... they would not be parents. They would be a beck (ph) if they didn't teach me or at least sat down with me and discussed with me where things are going.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: And I totally get it.
THERAPIST: Yea. So the piece that I am concerned about is that I get how they could ask or be unsure or have a view of you as a sort of a lost soul because there's so much they don't know. My concern is that you imagine that they may be right. That you're a lost soul and that you're...
CLIENT: Not as a lost soul but I'm not...
THERAPIST: ...not planning well.
CLIENT: I'm not planning the way I should be. Yes. That's true.
THERAPIST: Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right.
CLIENT: I don't know. I mean, they know me really well except for recently. They know my personality. [0:11:02]
THERAPIST: Well, they have no idea what's really going on in your life.
CLIENT: No, no.
THERAPIST: I mean, I'm sure... of course they know you really well. But they don't know your circumstances...
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: ...very well at all.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: And I also know consistently a bunch how inclined you are to find ways to not make things your fault but imagine there were 12 things you could have done. When maybe you couldn't have or you couldn't have known. Like that it's not your fault. That's like kind of where I'm going.
CLIENT: Well, the reason why is because I have been able to so many times in my life scramble and make things go to my way even when it... something that... when someone thought that's completely uncontrollable.
THERAPIST: Well, you're absolutely... you've been doing that probably as much as ever.
CLIENT: And that's the problem. I think I'm doing it too much now instead of figuring things out. [0:12:02]
THERAPIST: Either that or things would have completely collapsed a while ago if you weren't so good at it. I'm betting on that one. That you're actually... like it's only because you're...
CLIENT: I'm engineering my life.
THERAPIST: Yea, engineering quite carefully that things haven't completely gone...
CLIENT: But it's on the very short term. It's the six month to one year engineering. Not the whole thing.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And so I see this... and also remember that they see themselves as being potentially grandparents very soon. They want to make sure that their son... they want to really know what's going on before... and I got this feeling based upon this. That they're going to help us with adoption.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But before they ever make that offer, they really want to see what's going on to make sure that we're not getting ourselves really, really out underneath.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:12:56).
CLIENT: I mean, I... well...
THERAPIST: But the thing is that unless something has changed, my understanding is you don't want to adopt until Mike (ph) has more control over his addiction. [0:13:10]
CLIENT: That's right, yea.
THERAPIST: And that's a huge deal.
CLIENT: Yea, it is a huge deal to me because I feel like I... children will be (inaudible at 0:13:21) especially if it's hard to adopt. It's not... most the time at least with very young children there are many more parents than there are children at this point in certain situations. And I think that I would be negotiating in bad faith by making it seem like we had better family than necessarily anybody else. I think it's just not the right thing. I love children and I want the children not to have to live that. Of children I've never met.
And when it comes down to the big things like I want to be able to get another iPad. [0:14:03] I want to be able to get things that I need for my health that kind of stuff. That's... there's no question about that. That's going to be there. It's more about the things like, "OK, so where did the money go," that kind of stuff. Now they did actually very much understand though that Apple has taken a 25 percent to 30 percent correction in stock prices.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So they know that this may or may not be the right time for that so we... that's something that they are very mindful on, too. They understand that part. And it's... I think they really just really what to wonder on what's going on in their daughter's life before they're going to hand over tens of thousands of dollars.
THERAPIST: How much are you going to tell them?
CLIENT: I don't know yet. So I mean we get behind a couple thousand dollars every month. [0:15:04]
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Yea. So I mean, when I'm saying this, I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say that it's going to be... and it's been like that for a while. And I got to figure it out. And so this is actually probably a really good soul searching inventory that I need to do. It's just... and it has nothing to do with it at all right now I just I'm exhausted thinking about it. Because I could just thinking about the thing itself I can make a plan based upon what I want to happen or what I think will happen.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And it's like that's a lot harder to do. What I want to happen. Yea, I would love to be able to get out of here by the end of 2013. So that Mike (ph) (inaudible at 0:15:55) that has tenure in it. I would really love to be in a place that has weather that is somewhat easier on my body. Or at least if it's not trading it off or having a better support network around friends and people I know around me. Amongst... like there are a whole lot of things I want to happen. I don't know what's going to happen.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And so it's just... it's a lot of uncertainty. And... yea, so... but I mean, I'm going to go home. I'm working on on Christmas Eve until about 5:00 or 6:00. And then we're driving all night to go to my parent's house. We... that actually we could've flown in theory but my parents were grumbling (ph) because I wanted to see us at this point because we're... we were thinking about it anyways but they were like, "Yea, we need to talk in person about this." So we could would fly but there are just not flights to get.
THERAPIST: Sure. [0:17:03]
CLIENT: Yea. So we're just going to drive all night, get there on Christmas morning and then sleep a lot. And then go visit and come back Saturday. So it's going to be like a four or five day trip. So...
THERAPIST: Are you looking forward to visit?
CLIENT: I think I am. Yea, I really am actually.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: I miss my dog. I miss my parents.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Yea, I really just need to get home at least for a little bit. I'm worried about Mike (ph). His stress level is relatively high. But I'm just really worried that sometimes too much happy family things kind of drive him a little bit up the wall because it's just not what he's used to. [0:18:08]
We were talking the other day about why it is that he would never use voice recognition software. That sound weird but you don't ever voice a request out loud and in the way he would never voice a request out loud, ever. He would look it up online and keep it quiet. We'd never say anything out loud. That's kind of creepy to think about the fact that he would feel like he not like he's imposing on voice recognition software but it's like a pang of wait, it's like I'd only take an extra second for me to look it up myself.
THERAPIST: Yea, yea.
CLIENT: And there are a lot of things like he know that's in... it's all met in good like... and it's met being worried about his health or worried about things. Things like that. But he's just not used to it. So it feels like it and he knows that it's not really smothering. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel like he's drowning sometimes. [0:19:00] So... and sometimes he talks to my mother more than me which is kind of weird because they play Scrabble together...
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: ...over the Internet.
THERAPIST: Like online.
CLIENT: Yea, they do like Words with Friends.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And yea, they're way too... like use muyon (ph) I can't ever say that right word but autobot (ph). They do all these crazy words. I mean, I've got a bombastic vocabulary and I have been shocked by the stuff that they play.
THERAPIST: (chuckling)
CLIENT: And my mom learned English as a third language. But that kind of stuff and so I mean, on some level, they actually do have a relationship and they can talk about me just great. Like sometimes my mom will call Mike (ph) if she knows that I haven't been... I've been under the weather. And she'll text him first to make sure there's no ringing in the house is going. Especially because I was really sick. And then she's like, "OK, so what's going on?" And she'll call and talk to him so she... although they don't talk about anything deeply personal. I mean, they... it's not... it's all...
THERAPIST: How's your health, by the way? The infection...
CLIENT: It's been up and down. [0:20:00] I have sort of like these weird...
THERAPIST: You have a little more energy today.
CLIENT: I've got a little bit more energy to me right now. The only problem I'm having is that now that I am slowly being taken off the steroids, I am having been all kind of weird things that are apparently are perfectly normal. I'm not that asthmatic not at all. But because I've been on steroids apparently even people who have no asthma whatsoever when they weaned off of it, they get the tightness and feeling like they're...
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Like when I have to take a flight of steps...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...it wasn't like I was exhausted. I could just feel it in my chest.
THERAPIST: Oh, yea.
CLIENT: And so... and just a couple of other things. But I've been having just really ups and downs. The good thing is I didn't even know they made this you've heard of probiotics, right?
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: They actually make prescription ones.
THERAPIST: Oh, those help like regrow gut flora, right? Yea.
CLIENT: Yea. They have ones that are very specifically like supposed to help keep you from having a C. Diff. infection by keeping in the flora. It's the flora that you have will keep the other one in check. It's kind of like...
THERAPIST: Like a... yea.
CLIENT: And so I got a prescription for some of that and that...
THERAPIST: Good. [0:21:04]
CLIENT: Although it's a giant pain in the neck again because it's one of those ones that has to be refrigerated and has to be taken certain times of the day. I was talking to my mother about this and she's like, "This is going to be great. You learned do you know about how to keep to a schedule? This would be great for a baby because babies need schedules." So... because I'm like, "OK, I can't have another one before 11:00 on this and I can't do this before that." And she's like, "This is good for you." Like, "OK, great." But it doesn't really limit the number of possibilities to eat certain stuff.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Not that I ever really wanted to eat much of anything really all that much. Because it just until recently I... it'd just make me sick anyways. So I... but I am doing better now. I am seeing tomorrow morning (inaudible at 0:21:57) to go pick up my images. I have to go see this gastrointestinal doctor as opposed to the surgeon to find some answers about this. Because if there's something that flared it up, I want to make sure it stops amongst some many other things. That and I'm secretly afraid of going to the dentist right now for fear that they're going to think I have an eating disorder. I was going to talk to the gastrointestinal doctor about this because I've been throwing up a lot.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: And I'm concerned that when they see my teeth, they're going to think I'm a bulimic...
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: ...which sounds stupid, I know but not all that odd.
THERAPIST: Yea. No, the incidence of eating disorders is high enough that I'm sure they...
CLIENT: Well, at least ask some questions.
THERAPIST: ...(inaudible at 0:22:44), yea.
CLIENT: Yea. So... but the... so I'm going to do that tomorrow. Oh, I got a billion things I have to get done. But so that's... that there's... that and I have to go to the eye doctor, a bunch of other things. [0:23:04] That kind of stuff. So I am... my energy is better than it has been.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: But it keeps going up and down. I'm very cautious about telling anyone I'm feeling better because then when I'd say that, it seems to me that like all of a sudden, I get... it gets worse again.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: So... but...
THERAPIST: But you're not feeling all that well.
CLIENT: No, it depends. And like I said, I have no idea at this point how much is anxiety and how much is actual like illness in terms of gut pain. Not that I ever really had a whole lot. I mean, I did. But not like... I'm not one of those people that always feels queasy when I'm upset. But I don't know how much it is and what is what. And so... and part of it is the anxiety over the fact that I don't want to have to have another set of stitches.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: I hate getting operated on. [0:24:02] And for a person who's had a lot... have had it happen a lot... (chuckling)
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Just like I'm sort of... I'm trying to find a way to go on strike from being on needles too. Being in the hospital really...
THERAPIST: Like what do you hate about being operated on?
CLIENT: I'm sorry? Oh, I don't heal correctly. I... dissolvable stitches tend not to heal right. I am still spitting (ph) stitches from a surgery that I had back in 2009, 2010.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: Occasionally I get these like weird things that happen because my immune system doesn't like the stitches. So I... just like I said, just things like that that I hate getting operated on. I mean, on top of the fact that I'm terrified of being knocked out. I always am.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Eventually like I've got like a whole ritual system in which I make myself so exhausted that when I go in, I don't have any fight left in me. [0:25:00] Usually by staying up all night because I can't sleep anyways. So by the time they get in there, I have no fight left in me in terms of that and they just do what they what. But I just... there is a lot other, like I said, complications with if I'm having autoimmune problems again with the... with getting that surgery that I just don't want.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: But mostly it's just the fact that I hate having stitches. I'm a baby about them. I don't like them. They itch. I heal extremely slowly. And everyone says it but really is true for me. And so I'm just like...
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: And I don't want to have to take the time off from...
THERAPIST: I'm glad you're a baby about something.
CLIENT: Oh my God. I'm actually a baby about being queasy too. I do not like being nauseous at all. Like I could... I honestly would rather have a broken bone than be nauseous. [0:26:02] And I know this because it's happened many times.
THERAPIST: It's happened to you plenty of times.
CLIENT: Yea. So it's like this. But yea, I am so not... I don't like stitches at all. So... but so I'm very much as much as I really would like to have this not taken out but I also want to make sure this isn't something else. Because a couple of doctors did say that this looked more like instead of an well, I know there was infection it looked more like Crohn's related swelling or Crohn's. Like it's hard to tell on those things so which is why I'm pushing to go see the gastroenterologist because the surgeon seems to be like, "OK, it's not too bad right now." It's like that's it bad or not? Do you know? How bad is it?
THERAPIST: Yea, right.
CLIENT: The difference... it's a different field. It's a different way they look at things. So I... yea. So... (pause) [0:27:01] But it's... yea, I'm definitely better when I do half days these days. And I would really... trying to... try and push to do more half days, I think, next year because this whole getting home and then going right to bed is just really...
THERAPIST: Yea. So are you trying to do more half days or something to adjust your hours?
CLIENT: Trying to... well, maybe that or just reduce the hours. I don't know. Something because it's just really, really tiring to me.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And I... especially when I do a full day. Because I'm hitting rush hour, it takes a lot longer for the commute too. [0:28:02] So there's nothing quite like...
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: ...yesterday I left work at 3:45. I got home at like 6:30, I think.
THERAPIST: Ouch.
CLIENT: Yea. So I mean, there was a half a mile walk in there, too. But there it's just... that's just miserable.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: So... but I am really looking forward to going home for a bit.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And that's going to be good. I... yea, so... and that's really pretty much been like the end all, be all of pretty much all that's been going on. We got a card. A very strange card from Mike's (ph) grandfather which I mean, he's getting up there. He's in his 90s. So like the fact that it was signed, "You... to you and Debra," seems a little weird. [0:29:08] But yea, I mean, that's just... but we haven't heard anything else from his mom's side of things. And that's probably for the best.
The more we don't hear from her but it's harder at Christmastime but the more we don't hear from her, I think, is the better. Because even if she doesn't stir anything up, the fact that he will immediately want to make her happy again is just... and there's nothing he can do. And he's just amazed. He's so... he's getting through this healing process now of realizing. And like I said, I think I mentioned last time he's a little bit bitter about the fact that nobody ever woke him up to this point. Because if it was... if they just simply said that clinically people who have behaviors that are similar to hers never... you'll never make them happy. Or you'll never make them like you. I think that that would have changed decades. [0:30:02]
THERAPIST: Yea. That would have been huge.
CLIENT: And so I think that he's really going through a lot right now because of that. Because it's like, yea, how much was just thrown run away in terms of that. If... and it's easy to say to someone just vaguely, "Hey you're just not... don't put the effort in. She's never going to do it," but saying things like people who have these kinds of behaviors tend to have never, ever started to like people. That's a very, very... and I really mean like having emotional bonds in any real way. I think that would have really changed a lot. And he's just... like I said, he's going through a lot about that. And I mean his life is really miserable. And so I'm trying very hard to make him as happy as possible. So...
THERAPIST: Sound like his therapy has been somewhat helpful for him.
CLIENT: I think so. [0:31:01] I think so. The big thing... I mean, he's been going to therapy since like 1995. So I think that the thing is he's really pissed that he's been spinning his wheels. Part of it is because it's his fault because he would just like the world's best patient.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Part of it's just he's been coddled by people. And part of it's like... I don't know. I just don't know. But it's just I thinking things are working out. But he's just still... I mean, it's really moody. He's having a lot of problems. This is real stuff. And...
THERAPIST: Well, what's going on? What's he been like?
CLIENT: Oh, at one point, I think, he came home. He said something to me like something along the lines of, "You've been... you used to say something about the fact that you've been ignoring about something or other." [0:32:01] And usually when he comes home, he doesn't want to talk. So I've just kind of like, "OK, I'm just going to look on some stuff on the Internet and just be in the kitchen while he's in the kitchen there," that kind of stuff and so little things like that. (pause) It's really, like I say, it's like such day to day stuff that it's just... it's really hard. (pause) I know that he is due to the fact that he has been having back pain and now we don't know if his kidney stones are just whatever he's been sleeping sitting up for a while lately like this.
THERAPIST: Oh, wow.
CLIENT: Yea. [0:33:00] It's just very moody. He's very moody. He's very cranky. And so hopefully that will go away. We'll figure it out. But it's... for me, again, I feel I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Like because I really, really want to protect him. I like I... OK, this is a very, very non-important example of this.
THERAPIST: OK.
CLIENT: Our landlord is going to feed our turtles while we're gone. My landlord mentioned, "Oh, I can't wait to see the little one that really gets excited when I come inside." I'm thinking to myself, "Oh my God. Is it possible for me to get to his iPod and delete that e-mail before he sees that? Because he's going to cry because that was the one that passed away," that kind of stuff. [0:34:00] And I don't want him to have to feel sad about that right now.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And I think of other things like that. Like just things like that.
THERAPIST: And you're incredibly protective of him.
CLIENT: I am protective of him.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: If there's something that he really doesn't want to do.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Like lately he has been having a really hard when he's... because I really like it when I'm not feeling well for him to read to me. It really helps me put me... it does... for some reason, it's so much more soothing than getting... I listen to audio books, too. I just... it's really a wonderful thing. And disturbingly enough like it's been like I can have him read me tax code and it would be fine.
THERAPIST: (chuckling)
CLIENT: I have him read me all kinds of random... like if he is reading the paper, I'm like, "Just start reading the paper out loud. I'll go to sleep."
THERAPIST: Yea, just to hear his voice.
CLIENT: Yea. I do. I really love that. And I'm actually joked around I mean, I've tried to record it but I joked around about just recording something funny. He's like that would creep me out to be inside the house and hear my own voice.
THERAPIST: (chuckling) [0:34:57]
CLIENT: But the... lately when he's been doing that, it's been keeping him awake. It's been waking him up by reading. And so now I've been like, OK, I'm in pain. This would be really soothing but I know this will keep him up possibly until a couple... like in the middle of the night because he can't sleep. So I'm not going to do that.
I know that... I mean, and this is mostly I've been really protective of his sleep cycle. In the past when I've been in bed and I have heat pads in the microwave and I have been in pain. In the past, I've asked him, "Hey, can you microwave this for me. I know it's in the middle of the night," or whatever. Now because of the fact that I know it's really screwing with his sleep cycle and he can't get back to sleep. I'm trying not to do that. He'll ask me, "Do you need heat pad?" Like when I'm bed and in the morning, if I have to, I've been stumbling out and doing it myself.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: That kind of stuff. I'm trying to make sure that everything is better for him as possible. [0:36:00] So... because I know that he's just really, like I said, he's had a really rough time with it.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: I've tried to tell him that I think that this is the problem as it is because of the fact that like I have very, very bad personal habits. And therefore, I'm terrified to tell him this because it sounds ridiculous. Like me telling him to lose some weight. I've gained like 30 pounds in the past year. Me telling him that he really needs to lose weight and get more exercise I think that will really help is really not helpful. I feel like saying that to him. First of all, is like saying, "Well, why don't you start flying to work?"
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: But also I feel like it's really hypocritical of me to say that though I think that it really would be beneficial. So it's just trying to in better ways trying to coax that kind of behavior out. We'll see. [0:37:01] I think that maybe if things are going a little bit better, I will definitely mention it. It's just that he's got so much on his mind right now.
I finally after two years got him to ask his boss for a new laptop. He's been in pain. He lugs around I kid you not 15 pounds with him back and forth to Longwood. OK. And he's like wondering why. At one point, I'm like, "This is like... these are like papers from like something a conference you went to back in like 2002. Why are you carrying these around?" Like pulling these bunch out. But I'm like you need to say to your boss, "Hey, I've been going to the doctors. They say I... this and that." And just ask for... and he didn't even want to ask for anything until he had data to give them which I understand.
THERAPIST: He doesn't even want to ask the phone for directions.
CLIENT: He doesn't even want to ask it what temperature is outside. Yea, yea. So... but he finally, finally did this. And it's going actually a better computer for him in general. [0:38:01] Not just lighter and thinner.
THERAPIST: Oh, good.
CLIENT: They're going to get one of the new Retinas so that it'll be lighter. But also they'll definitely be better for him to do some sort of... there's some CAD on it, et cetera, et cetera. But like the ViS (ph) Institute was endowed with $57 million this year. That's spread over 50 people. That's...
THERAPIST: They can probably hook him up with a laptop.
CLIENT: They can hook him up with a laptop. I mean, and they have all of this stuff. Every meeting he goes to is catered. They apparently he's never stayed up late enough to find this out but apparently on Fridays at 4:30 pm, they have beer out for everybody to drink. I'm like so you haven't been at work later than 4:30 on a Friday, really? And he's like, "Well, I'm normally early (ph) out here," or whatever. But the point, though, is that they have a lot of money to spend and a lot of just random stuff so asking for this new computer so that he can be able to more effectively like lug it around sure. [0:39:05]
So but I've been sort of like... because he doesn't really... I mean, he's exhausted. Hand pecked to try to sort of pick and choose my battles. I'm not in any way saying that I'm afraid to ask him these things. I just want to be able to be like if I sit him down and talking to him about something like a change he needs to make in his life, I want it to be an important one.
THERAPIST: Yea, you're concerned about his sort of fragility and reactivity.
CLIENT: Yea.
THERAPIST: And you want to say things that are constructive without making him feel worse or making him fall apart at the same time.
CLIENT: I've given up on asking him about the stupid stuff anymore or... and like not stupid stuff. But like have you brushed your teeth? Have you been putting this testosterone stuff on you?
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Like I'm sure that's part of the problem. He's not putting it on him at all.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Are you taking your pills?
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: All these things. I mean, there's only so much hand pecking a wife can do before you really, really can't stand to be around her anymore. [0:39:59]
THERAPIST: Well, it's tricky because in hand pecking and usually... I don't know. It's complicated with him, it sounds like. I mean (inaudible at 0:40:21).
CLIENT: I mean, I can literally all day long ask him, "Did you do something," just to find out on it.
THERAPIST: Right, sure.
CLIENT: I mean, I can find something to ask him about like, "Did you remember to turn off the dehumidifier? Do you remember how to do this? Do you..." At any given time, these things could or could not be turned off.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: That one I'm just like, you know what, I just finally got a timer on it. And so if it runs more than eight hours now, it will shut off.
THERAPIST: Good, great.
CLIENT: But like these things are just too... I mean, I can find things all day long. And part of the thing is he's just not making really strong memories about most... he sleep walks through his life. He's afraid to talk to Seary (ph).
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: This is actually, to me, is actually pretty darn profound to hear this.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: And it has nothing to do with the phone. It's just that he's never voiced aloud his desires.
THERAPIST: No, no. It's more like a kind of a (inaudible at 0:41:04) for how much trouble he has speaking for what he wants.
CLIENT: I think he can write type out what he wants much better than say it physically aloud.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And that's probably something that happened in childhood. I mean, come on, he had... if he told his mother that... he basically said to this woman... she said, "I don't know what to say to you when you're depressed." He said, "Well, why don't you talk to somebody? Or why don't you look up on the Internet and what do you say to people who are depressed?"
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Like that was a big thing for him to say that. And well, she shut him off again.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: And that's OK because quite frankly, I don't really...
THERAPIST: It's easier that way.
CLIENT: I would rather have her do it than me.
THERAPIST: Yea.
CLIENT: Because it's... then it's... yea.
THERAPIST: We should stop for now.
CLIENT: I will be back tomorrow.
THERAPIST: And then we'll talk more tomorrow.
END TRANSCRIPT
