TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: So the 7th through the 14th? I think you said it would like a week from Friday or something.
CLIENT: [More or less] (ph). A week from Thursday. So I will see you...
THERAPIST: Thursday and then Tuesday and Thursday.
CLIENT: Not the Thursday though because I'll be that's the day I'm leaving.
THERAPIST: OK, sorry. You're leaving on the...
CLIENT: Seventh.
THERAPIST: Right, which you said is a Thursday?
CLIENT: Which is a Thursday. And we normally meet on that Thursday but I won't be able to because I'll be [in the air] (ph).
THERAPIST: Right, right. And then also we won't meet on the...
CLIENT: Fourteenth.
THERAPIST: Twelfth and 14th.
CLIENT: Twelfth and 14th, yeah. It's a lot to [keep juggling] (ph) but yeah.
THERAPIST: And then are we switching our schedule after -
CLIENT: I'm hoping by the time I come back I'll know when I'll be starting physical therapy so that I -
(crosstalk)
CLIENT: They don't know which day will be better for that. So, it's just up in the air. So (sighs) it's sort of a weird thing. I don't really know if I'm feeling better at all but I am definitely doing things and reaching out and talking to people again. I don't think I'm feeling that much better I just think I just I think I'm finally just trying to reconnect I guess, I don't know. We'll see. So it's just I actually talk to people online, that kind of thing, that I knew from school, that kind of stuff. I'm actually getting ready to go to the dentist, you know, that kind of thing. It's not much but it's a start. [00:02:00]
THERAPIST: Sure. I imagine even if you're not doing it because you feel better, it helps you feel a bit better to be doing it.
CLIENT: Yeah. So a little bit. Sometimes it's awkward, that kind of thing. Try to fake it and you will get there. Maybe, maybe not. But at least I won't feel so isolated, even if I but yeah, so we'll see. It's just been, you know, a lot to have to handle. (pause) But I think I'm progressing. I don't know. We'll see. Like, I think at least feeling less (pause) I don't know what I am feeling less of. Maybe just the waking up and getting closer to the spring again maybe, I don't know.
I remember both today and then a couple days ago being outside in the morning and actually seeing the sun and going, "OK, I can handle this. I can handle the cold as long as I can see the sun," that kind of thing. And that helps a lot because I just feel like I'm sort of drearily walking through life. I'm still sleeping a whole lot, that kind of thing. I don't know but it is what it is. We'll see. [00:03:46]
THERAPIST: You sound a little more pulled together.
CLIENT: A little bit.
THERAPIST: [But I understand that] (ph) the reasons are a bit mysterious.
CLIENT: I don't know. We'll see. I'm really sleepy right now but I am a little bit more pulled together. I feel a little bit less like I'm on my last (inaudible at 04:10). I have some frustrations right now but they're nothing emotionally that needs to be fixed they're just more, like, just figuring out (inaudible at 04:27). Our microwave broke the other day and I was like, "OK, well I'm just going to fix it." And I took it apart and it can't be fixed so I just got really frustrated and...
THERAPIST: Why can't it be fixed?
CLIENT: There is something inside the latch that can't be fixed, not without digging into the seal and I am not so it's in the door. It's the latch that opens up and closes. And to get to that part to be able to potentially glue it back together and do whatever, I am going to have to do something with the seal on it and I don't want to have to worry about the microwave not having a good seal on the door.
THERAPIST: I see. The seal that keeps the radiation from the microwave from leaking?
CLIENT: Yes, exactly.
THERAPIST: You don't want to mess with that.
CLIENT: No, not so much. So...
THERAPIST: So that kind of sucks.
CLIENT: I didn't realize that that was going to be a problem so I thought, "Oh, it's just the latch. It's not like it's a mechanism. (inaudible at 05:23) fix this." I usually get a lot of happiness out of it but that was really frustrating. But then of course, my mom was laughing at me. She was like, "Don't you understand, like, the curb of dimension returns? Like, you spent more time trying to figure that out than it would cost to find a new microwave." I'm like, no, no, no. But you don't understand I like doing [these things] (ph). (laughter)
But I don't like it when I fail most well, actually sometimes it's like, "Wow, that's very interesting." But this was just like, "Screw this. I am so angry that I can't get to (inaudible at 05:57). There's no reason why it should behind, you know, the seal of this and that, whatever." But I am, like I said, trying to do things. I'm still sleepy an awful lot.
THERAPIST: How much do you sleep?
CLIENT: Oh gosh. (inaudible at 06:14) I sleep about 12 hours a day. That's on days I work. On days I don't work I have been known to sleep, like, 15.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: Yeah, that's a lot. I mean, a lot of sleep.
THERAPIST: That is a lot of sleep.
CLIENT: And it's at this point right now where it's kind of weird because I have tried very hard to do this whole let myself go to sleep and wake up when I'm actually ready to sleep, you know, that kind of thing, blah blah blah. I can pretty much literally sleep forever if I don't have to be awake for something. And so last week I went and got some blood work and maybe they'll have possibly some solution. I think my thyroid is under-dosed (ph) because I'm also having, like, my nails are just breaking off very, very easily. There's a couple of other things.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 07:18)
CLIENT: Yes, because you're not making your proteins right. A couple of other things too where if your thyroid's not working right that that can happen. So we'll see. I'm not feeling optimistic that they'll figure it out just because, but who knows. I am actually going to go see a what's it called an acupuncturist on Friday. Now, this is actually I am going for something that is a well-documented phenomenon. I am have neuropathy in the knees, you know, from the fall. It is well known that sometimes when you do things to you put a needle along that area there, that there is often, you know, less tingling. By putting needles in that area, less pins and needles. It's not like hocus pocus. It is literally manipulating the nervous system. You know, it's more or less (inaudible at 08:24)
THERAPIST: Acupuncture's pretty well studied.
CLIENT: Yeah. A lot of these things are complete bullshit. Like, I got rid of my allergies or I am, you know, like that kind of stuff.
THERAPIST: Yeah (inaudible at 08:34) the data (ph) on a lot of acupuncture is pretty bad.
CLIENT: Yeah. And he's like when it is directly related to the nervous system, it makes sense. And it looks like I mean, especially because a lot of times I run electrical currents through it, it's more or less like a TENS unit that's on the inside. Do you know what a TENS unit is? So it's the patch you stick on and then they put a low voltage across a certain part of your skin and that tricks the nervous system to thinking it's not in pain anymore.
THERAPIST: I think you mentioned having that before.
CLIENT: Yeah, I had it. It didn't really do anything for me but I wanted to try this because it might something where the nervous system is still freaking out. Because it's in a lot more pain than it really is damaged. So it's (ph) freaking out a whole lot more than it really should and maybe this will be like unplugging the computer and turning it back on again. Who knows. But I was coached by people I work with to also mention that I'm exhausted to the acupuncturist, to see if they have anything to say or do about this. And I'm like, "Well, if they say they can do something about it, maybe I should leave?" and they're like, "No no no. Trust me, they'll know." I'm like, "Are you sure? This is kind of weird. You know, I understand this part but this is kind of strange. But who knows, maybe it will. Maybe it's just the fact that my body is so dampened by the chronic pain that I just don't have the ability to stay conscious all that much, you know. But I'm exhausted from it. [00:10:02]
THERAPIST: How bad has the pain been?
CLIENT: It's been pretty bad. It's bad all the time but this is a little bit more acute, a different type of pain. Even though it is the hip, it is the way that it because there's a whole bunch of different nerve pathways down there, the way that is painful is different and it's a lot more sharp.
THERAPIST: It's all the time?
CLIENT: Yeah. And then also I have a lot of...
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 10:26)
CLIENT: It depends. If I stand still too long, sometimes it's worse. Sometimes it's worse from, like, the impact of walking. It depends. It's definitely because it's moving around it is simply an irritated nerve. There are other things that are wrong but this seems like the nerve is just (inaudible at 10:43) and I think it's the IT bend of the nerve that goes around it? I don't know. But anyways, so the, you know that, it's different. It's the first time I'm ever really had serious feelings of being numb before, like feeling pins and needles [as much] (ph).
THERAPIST: And [they're going to] (ph) wrap this around your knee?
CLIENT: Down this part of my leg because my hip's the one that's hurt. But it's just, you know, it's physical exhausting. It's physical exhausting. And I really just feel like if I could just not have to sleep so much that I would, you know...
THERAPIST: Feel better?
CLIENT: Feel better. And...
THERAPIST: Has sleep generally correlated with degree of pain?
CLIENT: I don't know. Maybe. Up until a few years ago, I had a very weird sleep schedule anyways, in that I was known not for sleeping for a long time. Like, even as a child. And the I would, like, I used to make jokes that I would sleep like a snake eats and that I would sleep a whole lot again and then go back to just very normal, like, very small amounts of sleep. So it's kind of a weird thing for me right now. I mean, right now being, like, the past, like, eight years. But still it's literally encroaching on more and more and more sleep now. And so...
THERAPIST: Well I hope you can sort it out. [00:12:24]
CLIENT: Yeah, I really do too. I am really cranky about this. I also sort of I'm getting to the point right now where in general I don't like to take opiates for pain. I just don't. And I have the experience of being basically in the middle of the night realizing I have to take something for this pain. I have to because I can't get to sleep. And then realizing two hours later, I am feeling lightheaded from the opiates and I'm still in pain and being exceptionally pissed off about that. It's like, yeah, now I've got all of the, you know, the other effects but nothing to do with the pain. So it's like this is making me even more mad because it's not like it's I need to take if I'm feeling lightheaded from it I don't feel like I should be taking larger doses, you know. It's just that it's not helping with the pain, which to me is not like up the dose. It's more like find something else that works. [00:13:23]
So, you know, it is what it is but it's just so (pause) annoyed and sick of it, you know. I have worries about when traveling other people's expectations. When they see how much I sleep a little bit. We'll see because, you know, that just...
THERAPIST: Well, that puts a pretty big kink in your day.
CLIENT: It's a really big I mean, like, it's [a lot of schedule] (ph).
THERAPIST: If you're sleeping over 15 hours a day, seven or eight. I mean, you're losing, like, five to eight hours a day?
CLIENT: It's like a part time job, yeah. It's a lot. And I have to admit I'm really bitter because it's like there's so many things I can't say specifically what I want to do because I'm so darn sleep deprived. Well, not sleep deprived but so darn exhausted and fuzzy brained and everything else. But I feel like on some level that I wouldn't, like, a first clue what I'd do with it but I know that I would totally take advantage of it.
THERAPIST: Yeah, you can thrive on being busy and productive. That stuff is very important for you.
CLIENT: So I just can't, you know, all the things I could be doing, all the things I've left behind, you know, not done. It's like, well, because I have to sleep. My Wednesdays are almost always dedicated to sleep and, like, you know, Saturdays are usually pretty much that way too since I have to get up early in the morning on Sunday. But, you know, yeah. So it's not even all that much you know, it's not all that helpful, I guess. [00:15:23]
THERAPIST: Wow (ph), that's horrible.
CLIENT: But hopefully we'll find some answer. I don't really know what it would be but I'm just I don't like to live this way, you know. I really don't.
THERAPIST: Well your life is in so many ways different or 180 degrees different from what you want.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Work, family, your body, sleeping.
CLIENT: It's funny because last night I was a lot more bubbly and talkative and silly than I had been in a very long time and, you know, all of a sudden I just calmed down. But I was actually worried that Mike might have found it obnoxious because, you know, he's not used to hearing me like this and he wasn't. he was glad to see me be that way. But, you know, I was a little worried about it. But nothing specifically. I wasn't even in specifically, like, a specific good mood or anything like that it was just being more talkative again. I'm very easily conditioned in all these ways. I don't really think about it but, you know, if I'm around people, you know, where they're very sparse with their words I usually pick up on it and behave like that too. [00:17:13]
I really wish that I had some insight as to what's going on but to be honest I am so tired I'm not even, like, a very good observer, you know.
THERAPIST: It's probably you were just in a lot of pain yesterday for some I mean, just in terms of some (ph).
CLIENT: Not necessarily. You know, I just was to be honest, I don't even remember. I remember that I was more bubbly before I went to bed but I actually there's, like, this whole (inaudible at 17:48) of time where I was, like, basically walking home zombie-like from the subway. I remember yelling at a runner who was yelling at me and then I remember being very talkative before going to bed and that's it. I'm certain I did something. What it is, I don't know. I'm sure I ate something. I don't know. Because it's not even like it's not like I was shutting down like that. It was just that I was tired, you know. And I started this self-improvement thing that I was talking to my dad about for this. And I'm really because I feel like when I look at the things I used to do and go, "Wow, I used to write. Not just well but I used to be very witty and bubbly and I had a really great sense of description." Or, "Wow, I used to really pack up on those concepts really quickly."
And so I'm trying to at least one hour a week, whether it's doing, like, in a commute or at home, I'm trying to just, like, do some not really remedial but review science stuff, stuff I know, just to get my mind going again. Because I feel like there's so much I used to know and names and things like that until just recently. But they're all gone. I mean, I know some of them but not really. [00:19:07]
THERAPIST: What are you starting with?
CLIENT: Just doing some chemistry, that kind of thing. I actually just started so I don't really know what we're doing yet. It's supposed to be I did hit the mark a little high on that. I went and did university. So I guess I'll be starting but I don't know what I don't know what I'm going to start with. So we'll see. So I think it will be helpful. [I'm going to] (ph) try and, like, painfully do some things that I haven't done in a long time. But I feel like it's just stretching the mind.
THERAPIST: That sounds great.
CLIENT: The thing is that right now, like, if I'm reading stuff I feel like I'm reading garbage lately. And it's not even like a matter of (pause) a judgment call or saying that, you know, or it's like a morality thing or anything like that in terms of garbage. I mean, it's more like a, "Wow, you know, I really don't feel like I'm doing anything to say I know something more than I did, like, you know, before I read that book or before I did this." And so I really feel like I'm kind of going (inaudible at 20:27) that way. And so I'm not saying that I'm like my dad, who believes everything must be done with a sense of mindfulness and also a sense of utility. I don't believe as strongly as that but I feel like if I don't at least start doing some of those things? So...
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 20:52)
CLIENT: And that's nice and, you know, low at least for now doing it, you know, (inaudible at 21:00) I can do it at the house but eventually I do want to try and go out and about to do things. Because I feel like I really do get a sense of engagement.
THERAPIST: I wonder if you can audit (ph) classes or something.
CLIENT: I'm sure I can. It's just a matter of just finding out what to do. I've always found that professors are endlessly flattered by someone who would want to take their class, instead of has to take their class. So...
THERAPIST: [I heard they have] (ph) some science classes [up there too] (ph).
CLIENT: I heard that, yeah, they're like a little oh man, I just ruined my delivery on this. I've made the joke about being at a trade school a couple of times with (ph) people I know. They really love that.
THERAPIST: Not everybody can [be at] (ph) Brown.
CLIENT: Yeah, no. It's a small school but I have a very strong loyalty to it. So, like I said, we'll see what happens. I'm really trying to make this trip focused on our friends. I'm trying to do as little as possible with family. I don't know how much we can do that because we may have to stay with them a couple of days, but I really feel like I don't need the negativity and judgment and everything involved with that. I just feel like it's just too emotionally draining and that's not I mean, if it was for that then we wouldn't have spent the money, you know, to [rent cars] (ph), that kind of thing. [00:22:39]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I know you're going down there for Mike's friend's party.
CLIENT: Yeah. She helped us with tickets but there's a lot of other expenses boarding the dog, all the other stuff like that. But (pause) I have to get out at least. So that would (ph) be nice. (pause) I'm [really sure] (ph) that I could say more about these things. I really feel (pause) it's not even like my brain sometimes I've had situations where I just can't find the words that I'm feeling. It's not even that. I mean, I have felt, like, emotionally rung out.
THERAPIST: You know, (inaudible at 23:33) you're pretty wiped out.
CLIENT: I'm pretty whipped out. [I've felt] (ph) emotionally rung out for months now.
THERAPIST: You're in, yeah, tremendous pain and drained and exhausted and yeah (inaudible at 23:50). You don't sleep 15 hours a day because you're feeling energized.
CLIENT: No. And I think part of it is probably depression. But I don't really think a lot of it is. I think it's more like physical exhaustion because I have noticed that when I don't get the sleep I need, I do my body not giving me the kind of, you know, fuel (ph) I need. So...
THERAPIST: It's brutal.
CLIENT: It's brutal. And so (sighs) yeah. But I do hope that things will get better and maybe they will.
CLIENT: I'm just kind of sick of living in this existence, you know?
THERAPIST: Yeah, you've had a bunch of really awful things happen to you that you can't do anything about. (inaudible at 25:32) ways that are, like, just the opposite of what (inaudible at 25:37) for you. Like, in terms of work, in terms of just being able to be productive and ease your mind. I mean, all this stuff that, you know, [get you] (ph) social, stuff with Mike. Most of the stuff that matters a lot of the stuff that matters most to you has been affected.
CLIENT: Which means that in my own head I have to convince myself that they wouldn't matter that much. Not so much like a sour grapes things as much as making do with what you have, you know. It's really the only thing you can do. Otherwise, you just sort of harp (ph) over what you can't do or what you can't have, you know, [at least] (ph) for me.
(silence)
CLIENT: But yeah, it is hard to be sort of stuck where we are. And the thing that's actually really, really frustrating? I don't believe in really comparing one's life to each other. Like, I have friends who are like, "Oh, well you know I'm in this situation. Obviously it's not as bad as you." And I'm like, "That's not really, like, helpful. However, when it comes to certain things, when I see that I am feeling a certain way, some people commiserate and they say, "No no, you don't understand. It's not the same thing. Like, oh, I have to sleep like crazy." Like, yeah yeah yeah, I know just what you mean."
THERAPIST: Like, "Oh my god, I slept nine hours myself the other night. It was such a long time." Yeah, it's one thing for people to be sort of comparing or to (inaudible at 27:24) in other things when, like, it's just not to get this scale or scope of what's going on (inaudible at 27:29)
CLIENT: Yeah. And I'm not one to, you know, specifically because you find ways to, when you have certain things that are a certain amount of suffering in your life, you find ways to cope, you know. Which is why I think I've mentioned that the I deal with joint pain relatively well. Like, I don't deal with it but I know it, I understand it. It's something I can tolerate. But when I get things like stomach related things or digestive related things, it just totally throws me off. And something where even like the stomach flu, I become the world's biggest baby. Like, something that nobody else would be, like, crying on the floor, you know, I get so, like, pitiful about it. Maybe it's just because it's not something I'm used to, you know.
Also, like, people like, "Oh yeah, you know what, I need to get another cup of coffee." I don't really know what's wrong with me. I used to get I think I may be, like, either extremely resistant or immune to the effects of caffeine. I haven't been able to, like, even back when I wasn't sleeping a lot, been able to, like, ingest large amounts of caffeine and have almost no effect until the point where, like, I'm getting sick from it. I have no idea why. I've been able to take NoDoz and sleep well at night. I can do this. I don't get any additional awakedness (ph) from caffeine. It may be a hot beverage but not necessarily have to be caffeine-oriented. And at the same time also when I'm gone cold turkey I don't seem to have withdrawal effects like other people do and I don't really know why that is. [00:29:21]
It is, you know it makes it somewhat (pause) discouraging knowing that, like I really try not to do this, like, look up on the Internet things at all. But there are certain types of (inaudible at 29:41) related things where they have extreme exhaustion, things like that. There are other diseases. There are ones that they think might diseases. They don't really know that all these chronic fatigue and what's it called...
THERAPIST: Myalgia.
CLIENT: Yeah, those ones. But they don't really they know there's something present because they sometimes see activity of it but they don't really understand it. A lot of times in those situations they do give people prescription stimulants for that. And I've actually had friends joke around saying, "Why don't you just, like, (inaudible at 30:09) Ritalin?" I really don't think it's going to affect me. I really don't. It's possible but I really, really doubt it.
THERAPIST: Well that'd be a different class than caffeine, right? I mean....
CLIENT: From what I understand, the way that the mechanisms are pretty much the same but I have you know, I'm one of those people that it seems like anything that is in a stimulant family doesn't seem to really...
THERAPIST: It doesn't do much.
CLIENT: They even had trouble waking me up from, like, anesthesia at one point. Now, that was different though. That was something else. I don't think it's really a big thing for me. And so we'll see but I kind of doubt it.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean...
CLIENT: I mean, it's great because it keeps you from abusing drugs or having, like, an addiction to, like I mean, I like my tea but I don't really feel like I have to have coffee.
THERAPIST: Yeah, you can try one good thing about stimulants is that you can, you know, unlike SSRIs you try it and...
CLIENT: It works that day or something.
THERAPIST: It works that day or not and then you're done, you know.
CLIENT: I had I don't know if I even mentioned I'm pretty sure I mentioned this. I actually did a trial with some SSRIs specifically because there's a few of them that have pain-related benefits. I'm trying to think of which one. It's marketed for, like, Type-2 Diabetes a lot but it's mostly depression. But it also has pain and stuff with it.
THERAPIST: Prozac (inaudible at 31:36)
CLIENT: More recent than that.
THERAPIST: Wellbutrin.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 31:47) there's Zoloft.
CLIENT: Maybe it is Alexa. I think it's Alexa. But I just got really, like, strong, like, serotonin not, like, overdose but, like, overly stimulated from it. And so they're like, "Yeah, let's not do this since you're already, like, having a lot of problems like that. Like super (ph) driven dreams, feeling, like, hard to sleep, feeling (inaudible at 32:16) kind of things."
THERAPIST: I see. So that [pulled you right out] (ph).
CLIENT: And then a very small dose. Because the dose that they give for chronic pain are much lower than they do for depression.
THERAPIST: I see, wow.
CLIENT: And, you know, I just didn't feel like following through on it because it just doesn't but I am worried that, you know, if I still stay blue that maybe I should do something. I don't know. I'm not anti-drugs. I just feel like, "Wow, another pill. That's going to be fabulous to have to think about." So...
THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean, you can I don't know. (inaudible at 32:54)
CLIENT: I'm actually on some level, also, I'm just, like, worried about, like, one more interaction I have to deal with too.
THERAPIST: Sure. (inaudible at 33:05), like, couldn't sleep, the energy to focus.
(crosstalk)
THERAPIST: ...to you. Like, if you want to try it or you need any help, like, I don't think it'd be hard to get somebody to prescribe it for you but, you know, you don't want to have to deal with one more god damn drug, with interactions, with the side effects and...
CLIENT: For now possibly not but come spring if I feel like I need to, I might. Even in the exhaustion, I grew up but, you know, like, I even grew up as much as, you know, I went to school (inaudible at 33:44). There's a lot, like, there was a huge, huge stimulant culture. Not for recreation but to seize opportunities you couldn't have. And it never appealed to me, you know.
THERAPIST: You probably didn't need it.
CLIENT: It would have been nice but, you know, like I said, it was one of those things where, like and I do occasionally, like, drink things that have extra caffeine in them. I still don't think they really I really believe that, like, a lot of those energy drinks, really what happens is it's just the B vitamins that really help me. If I can get them without, I totally would but it doesn't seem to be, like, a huge thing. And I do know that when I get B12 injections, it is a huge difference, huge difference for me. It's like night and day.
THERAPIST: How do they affect you? (inaudible at 34:35)
CLIENT: [I'm clear] (ph). Well, I mean, I do have what's it called? I have pernicious anemia so and I had it go too far. So they did I started actually doing nerve damage by taking because when you can't pernicious anemia you can't absorb B12 in anything you eat or drink because your immune system killed the part of your stomach that allows you to digest it. And so this goes on for a while. Your liver keeps some of it. You store a little bit of it. But after you lose that, your body starts taking it off of the myelin sheaths of your nerves and then it starts doing it off your brain and a couple of other places too. Eventually your bone marrow.
So I didn't yeah, I didn't what was happening until it was much too late. And partially I mean, I could blame other people in the system because everybody was like, "Oh, don't worry. It's just stressful. This is normal flaky grad student behavior." Like, having forgotten to do things like, you know, leaving the stove on, that kind of (inaudible at 35:34) kind of but the fact is that we accept that as a culture is kind of shitty.
THERAPIST: Right. You're not really a flaky person either, at least as I see it.
CLIENT: Yeah. In it matters. Like, when I'm very, very muddled, I am extreme flaky. Like, mid-sentence I've forgotten what I'm saying. Like, you know.
THERAPIST: Yeah but if you're not being affected by an illness of some sort of another, has that ever happened?
CLIENT: Not really, unless it's planned flakiness, if that makes sense. I have planned spontaneity. I haven't done it in a long time but I have planned spontaneity, which happens to be the whole thing of, OK, so we're going to do something here and if we never actually make it, that's OK too. That kind of thing. If we enjoy the serendipity of things. I mean, it's not quite planned flakiness as much as -
THERAPIST: No, that's really not planned flakiness. That's, like, being spontaneous and trying to have fun.
CLIENT: But, you know, flaky in terms of, "Oh, we were planning to go to dinner at this place and even had reservations but, you know."
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 36:43) being flaky.
CLIENT: Yeah. But I mean, it is again, like, I'm very easily if I have, much like a computer, if I have too many processes running, I can get easily distracted. And part of it is I mean, this is when I'm, like, exhausted. But also, just, like, in general. If I'm really working on something really hard, I will put my shirt on backwards and not notice it, that kind of thing, because I am too focused. And I'm not as bad as other people. My husband's somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I have seen some really, really interesting experiences like that. But, you know, I've done it.
Now, you know yeah. But it's usually because I have something else. It's mostly just due to pain or something like that. Like the other day I got something on backwards and I was like, you know, it took me that long to put these pajama pants on. I am not going to go through the agony of trying to take them off, because it was too painful to get it off and on, so I just sat there. I realized it after I got them on backwards. I'm like, "Screw it. I'm going to sit in it until it's time to get a bath because I'm not taking them off again." Not all laziness but because the actual, like, taking on and off was painful.
THERAPIST: No, no, I get it.
CLIENT: That was, like, more of me being in my cranky old man thing. But, I mean, I have had and, like, these are very, very specific situations. Like when I have this flakiness it's either, like, right around, like, you know, basically, you know, the various different types of qualification exams where there's a tremendous amount of memorization. And something where I've (ph) been spending literally 12 hours using, like, near field division and not noticing, like, red lights, that kind of stuff. But that (inaudible at 38:27) 12 hours. The only thing that matters is from here to here because you're (inaudible at 38:31) all this time. You just learn because you're in a lab full of busy, busy people. You have to learn to ignore everything else in that different field or else you're never going to see what you need to do. You're going to get distracted.
So these are really coping mechanisms more than it's more like an adjustment period of an hour, you know. It's not, like, all day things, you know. But...
THERAPIST: So the B vitamins help.
CLIENT: B vitamins help in general with that. It makes the switching better. But in general, when I am not getting my injections with that, it's really and that's just probably this is something how much time do I have?
THERAPIST: Five minutes.
CLIENT: OK. So this is something I'd really like to talk about briefly. I hadn't admitted this but I picked up a tremendous needle phobia while I was in the hospital.
THERAPIST: Oh. What, just this last time? [00:39:27]
CLIENT: Yes, back in November. Not the emergency room there but the one where I was actually hospitalized for several days. I had some things go very, very wrong with my IVs and I had a there are specific nurses who are IV nurses who are supposed to come and check on your IV and they're supposed to actually that's all they do. They get special training. They're supposed to be better at this than others. And I had an IV blow out a lot and a couple of other bad things happened. And so the problem was because of that having the places where they're trying to inject the skin, having the skin become hard because of, like, you know, getting these tiny little tears in the muscle. And when you do that it I feel like I can't even dump this on anybody because it's so fucked up.
You actually feel that hard (ph) like, it's almost like a little bit of resistance and then it goes through as opposed to a regular hypodermic and that kind of thing. And although I've had a couple of shots, I have been right now I've been very lucky and skating (ph) on the fact that I shouldn't be taking my immunosuppressants because they haven't officially cleared the infection in my appendix right now. That's officially still not (inaudible at 40:44) so that's OK. But that's a daily thing for me, on top of the B12. And I haven't been getting the B12 and that's probably the other thing is...
THERAPIST: You took a picture of one point of, like, a whole bunch of -
CLIENT: Yeah, three months yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot, a lot.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 40:58) phobia.
CLIENT: And I'm sure that I'm going to get over it. I mean, I went and got blood drawn last week and I didn't get my first B12 shot. It's not like I'm afraid of John giving me a shot versus anybody else giving me a shot it's just having [the idea that] (ph) it was such a really, really traumatic thing for me, that I'm still, like, kind of hedging if I have to get them. Like, do I really have to? How far can I push my luck?
Now, until last week I hadn't had B12 since November, which is very bad. On top of my daily shots, I'm supposed to be getting that at least once a week. I usually actually personally try and break up the same doses to two pieces because I feel like it really does work better. I think I may store it back in my liver and not use it as well.
THERAPIST: So you were able to get the shots recently but it was...
CLIENT: I only got one Sunday.
THERAPIST: It was pretty stressful?
CLIENT: It was pretty stressful, yeah. And of course he's picking up on this. I know I'm giving you a shot but that I didn't know you were stressed out was very hard. Not too bad. He's been pretty good about the whole thing, seeing as before I had to start getting shots, he had a needle phobia himself.
THERAPIST: Oh really?
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. That's one of the tremendous things that I am so proud of Mike for. One November day I was told I needed to get shots and then we immediately had to go like, he was taught, like, one Thursday and he came with me and he just totally, just, did it. And he doesn't do that. He still doesn't like getting shots to himself and he can't give himself shots, which most people can't. But he just put a lifelong fear aside the reason why he didn't become a doctor aside because I needed that and that...
THERAPIST: That's awesome.
CLIENT: It makes me teary about the fact that he did that for me. So it's pretty awesome.
THERAPIST: That's very awesome.
CLIENT: But yeah, so I've been sort of needle-phobic.
THERAPIST: I hope you think about it a lot.
CLIENT: I'm sorry?
THERAPIST: I hope you think about it a lot.
CLIENT: I do, every time I get a shot. But yes, it's pretty awesome. But yeah, so I know that it's not like, when I say phobia I'm not talking nearly as much as it could be. I guess I've been needle-avoidant, though seeing (ph) most people are needle-avoidant. But I'm sort of trying to see how much I can get away with not getting it because it was such an unpleasant situation. Even this arm up here, I know that this part when I get injected here it's still stiff and there's like a (inaudible at 43:34) here and a couple of other places. But it's so unpleasant and so horrifying bad that what happened that, like basically they were trying to pump. I was hooked up to an IV pump where they put the stuff into you and it got lose and started spraying all over the place. And when your blood dilutes with other things, it looks like blood still, you know, even though it if you have, like, one part blood to five part something else it still looks just like blood. And that happened four times.
THERAPIST: Oh my god.
CLIENT: Like, soon as they'd leave it alone and I went to sleep or something like that, because they were it wasn't just a drift. It was a push.
THERAPIST: We have to stop (inaudible at 44:18)
CLIENT: I'm sorry.
THERAPIST: That's OK. We can talk more about this. It's not that it was it had a pretty big impact on you.
CLIENT: Yeah, and so I definitely want to talk about it.
THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. No, we should. I will remember it.
(phone rings)
THERAPIST: You OK? Do you need a hand?
CLIENT: I got it.
THERAPIST: The door?
CLIENT: A little more (ph) with the door.
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