TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Well that's great. That's a big deal.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's been yeah, so that's good.

CLIENT: I you probably got the e-mail I sent to you already.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: The good news I did have to testify actually.

THERAPIST: Oh,

CLIENT: So even though I showed, he pled so that's good. They're going to call me later today to tell me what he pled to. They couldn't tell me at the time of I don't know why.

THERAPIST: Will there be other people testifying, too?

CLIENT: I don't know. They kept everything kind of in the dark, really. They want you not to see each other or know what's really going on.

THERAPIST: I see. Just say your piece.

CLIENT: Yeah. So I don't know if other people were there or not. And the courthouse there's lots of people there, so it's hard to tell who was there for what, so.

THERAPIST: Right. (Unclear). [00:01:12]

CLIENT: I'm just hoping that he isn't out because he pled because I really, really don't want to see him anymore. But so that's really what's been the past 24 hours or so has been the big thing for me. But I think it's settling down, quite a bit, so which is good.

THERAPIST: That's good.

CLIENT: One of the reasons I think it's turning up a bit, at least, is one I am feeling a little bit better, but also I realized that I did ask my parents for some help for some things that I need a bit thing I need. I've been sleeping on their mattress that they bought back in 1989. When they got rid of it, that kind of thing, because I've been dealing with it. And I originally was not going to buy anything new until I moved because I just did not want to pay to move a mattress. I was just going to get a new box spring mattress and sell it when I left here, get new when I moved. I started, after having a lot of really more painful nights and I've tried everything. I'd buy those big, thick foam things you stick on top and I've tried all this stuff it doesn't work.

So I finally talked to my parents about the idea of having them help me with just the cost of a mattress, you know, and nothing too extravagant, something that I could sell when I moved so I could get a better one, a medical one. And they were pretty good about trying to help me with that, so. I just need to influence the quality of sleep. I'm obviously sleeping a lot and waking up and all this other stuff and I just need to influence the quality of sleep right now and it isn't even a this point, you know, it's not for any other reason than trying to improve sleep conditions, (unclear) uncomfortable, or no other this or that, you know. Mike's been having, like it's been bothering him a little bit, too, so it's you know, it isn't just me. And yes, sleeping on something that's more than 25 years old is probably, it's past, it's time. But I do try not to, just in general, I just hate friends of mine who like have always looked to their parents to finance anything that they want in their lives and they just expect to make plans based on the fact that they can just do that. To me that just disturbs me so much to see (unclear) adults doing that I am sometimes unwilling to ask for things that I might really need because I don't want to become like that. [00:04:05]

I just don't want to be that kind of kid. I really I get a lot of pride out of being able to things myself. And part of it's the fact that I worked and did it on my own. Sometimes it's just like fix something and did it on my own, you know. It's a very strange, complicated thing. It isn't just like not relying on anybody else. It's also sometimes like, 'well, I took apart my air conditioner. It was making a funny noise. I figured out that it was the compressor and it need to be better insulated, so I fixed that, that, and that and now it's fine.' I get a great sense of pleasure doing that kind of stuff, too, you know. [00:05:05]

I feel silly saying it. I do. I just like doing that kind of stuff. I wish there was more that I could do. Some things I can't physically do on my own any more. But when I can't, I don't mind teaching other people. Like teaching Mike the basics of electrical wiring from time to time because sometimes depending upon how the wires in people's houses, it's also not tiny, it's usually a big, thick, extruded copper wire which is very stiff, very hard to bend. And so if I'm doing something with something like that I'll have him actually do the bending and I'll walk him through it like, 'well, this is what you need to do.' Everyone says, 'you can just ground it by doing this.' No. We're going to do it the right way. That kind of stuff. [00:06:01]

So I think that because of the fact that it's getting warmer and I'm feeling better even just to do that kind of stuff. It's very much a perpetuating thing for me if that makes sense. Like success breeds success which (unclear) better.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I don't mind if I'm going to bed in pain, because I overdid it but just from the exhaustion of doing a job well done. But I feel like I'm finally getting enough the word success is really weird, but things enough good days to feel like I can take the steps I need to make the changes in my life that I want.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: I hope, I think.

THERAPIST: What changed your mind?

CLIENT: Well, actually one of the things I was going to talk to you about is that I'm going to try and find a doctor who understands a little bit more about my type of pain and going to be a little bit more open to the idea of trusting me to have a certain amount of pain medication such that not all the time, but when I need to, like to have something for break-through pain, that kind of thing. And it's very difficult to get a doctor like that so I was hoping that if need be, that you, if I could use you as a reference to speak to about this. But I'm not like a because I've been coming here a couple of years a couple of time a week but I'm not like a, you know, an active narcotics-seeking you know what I mean? That this is [00:07:37]

THERAPIST: Sure, I agree.

CLIENT: I've never earnestly talked about my pain. I very rarely do this kind of stuff. I don't know if you feel comfortable with that. I don't know if that is in the realm of what you can do.

THERAPIST: Absolutely. I'm perfectly comfortable doing that and am more than happy to do it. When you want me to talk, you just send an e-mail to he or she and I, indicating that it's okay for me to speak with them.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: And for us to speak with each other and they may want you to auto-sign so -

CLIENT: I was going to say, I don't know, but (unclear) they may want something written.

THERAPIST: The e-mail will do for me.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But they may want something else. But you know, after that (unclear). [00:08:19]

CLIENT: Okay. I don't know if I'll be able to do it here. I may have to go to another state. Ours is very funny about narcotics and I don't want to be that person who's going out of their way to do this but I want to be able to be really forthright and say, 'hey, this is what used to be things used to like I do have depression for a lot of reasons, one of which being chronic pain. I have adequate support. I am doing this but I need to be able to, especially if I want to work, I'm going to try and basically line everything up with showing this is see I've been doing the (unclear) thing of showing how much I'm working like working out, but working with the trainer; have the trainer working with but sometimes to get to that point of being able to do that I need to be able to some days take pills you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yes. Right.

CLIENT: And I need to be able to have all my ducks in a line and say, 'hey, this is what I need but I need you to trust me enough to have -

THERAPIST: Of course.

CLIENT: But this won't I have to do a lot more research because I don't know in the past it had been my primary care doctor who was a diagnostician who was perfectly okay with this. Now he's in jail though. So you know. And I want to be really forthright about that, too. Because I don't want to seem like I'm hiding anything.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: My doctor is my old doctor and so I feel like he's my doctor even though I haven't seen him in a couple of years. I feel like he was persecuted, not because of narcotics either. Before he was put in jail he was very, very open about the fact that he believed that human growth hormone in certain situations like is a viable way to get the kind of healing results that many (unclear). And it isn't illegal. They decided that he was like after a certain point, like they decided he must be because he was giving little (unclear) nuns for the hip replacements, giving growth hormones so that they would have better outcomes from their thing because he used to also be the doctor for the team, giving football players them.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Which is not true, but they canned him and everything's been compounded against like I said, I don't know it's this is a person, my doctor. I grew up with him. I've known him since 1985. I don't believe it's in his, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But I won't go on about that when I'm talking to this doctor, but I want to be as honest as possible because part of the reason why I had such good outcomes on these most people when they have joint replacement, it's a 10 to 15 year old [time bomb] (ph) before you need to get them redone.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But, it's getting better. But part of the reason why is because you never totally heal and you get these thin films of very, very low level infections and that tends to stay there. It's either a very, very low level you almost never get too much of an outbreak, but your body's ability it makes a little wall around it to make sure it doesn't spread because it never spreads, but that eventually, the byproducts of that breaks down the joint replacement. And so he worked very strongly with both my (unclear) surgeon and my doctor were sports medicine diagnostician people doing injectable antibiotics. I had steroids not like steroids I take now, but I had human growth hormone. I had creatinine. I had all this stuff along with a really strong regimen even before surgery. They built up the triceps so that the weight because it's heavier. I mean these are break-through concepts. I mean, when you hear it you go, 'of course you would want to build up the muscle there and it's heavier -

THERAPIST: Nobody thinks to do that. [00:12:15]

CLIENT: You don't do that. That's some of the reason why I mean they did (unclear) my marrow. But they say it looks like it was done last year. There's no wear. There's no wear at all, and that doesn't happen. I mean it does happen but this is statistically, that's not (unclear). And I've had two of them. [00:12:33]

THERAPIST: That's awesome.

CLIENT: That doesn't happen.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And so I really feel like on some level maybe I just need to find myself a doctor and I'm not saying I have to leave, but I need to find someone new that really does understand and is compassionate and is willing to work with me. I'm willing to (unclear) with whatever evidence I need to do. I'm willing to work it, but I just need to make sure that I can get myself back to normal. I mean I'm (unclear) physical therapy and I'm coming home and more than a few time I've had to be taken home from physical therapy because getting up on the bus was too hard. Because it's hard. It's really hard and I don't want to be like I don't want to I need to find some way to make it I just need the outcome to be better. I don't want to settle for any one of these. I'm willing I know that I will have to settle in life, I know. But right now I just feel like if I can get something in some healing outcome or get myself better, every doctor I've had said, 'you know, you gained 100 lbs since you were originally diagnosed. If you lost even half of that you're disease would be significantly better because you wouldn't have the weight pressing on the joints that are already decaying. It's a lot like a bridge that has trucks going over versus cars going over.' I know that, but you know what? It's when you're in agony it's almost impossible to do things you need to do.

THERAPIST: You mean as far as exercise and things like that. Sure.

CLIENT: And I'm willing to do I know it doesn't have to be narcotics. I mean if I can find something anything, I would go for it because I just I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to have a better life. You know? So, yep. I get like this every spring pretty much. It sounds stupid, but as far as getting this unsatis not in a bad way unsatisfied with my life, like, 'oh, I'm so sad that my life is this way,' but just like what can I do to (unclear) my life?' I guess, really. [00:14:55]

I decided to make the change with the bed.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: We'll see if this one works. You know, I spend a lot of time looking into that kind of thing and just see where it goes from there on, I guess just (pause). I don't mind putting the work in. I just and sometimes even the failure isn't that bad. I just need to feel like I'm trying, you know?

(Pause): [00:15:28 00:15:38]

THERAPIST: You need to feel like you're trying and you need to feel like you have some control over your life and you can move it somewhat in a positive direction (inaudible).

CLIENT: Or at least I'm trying all the avenues that I can, you know? There are people in my life who have really, strongly pushed me to look into getting federal disability. I really, really don't want to and it's lots of reasons. The biggest thing is, is in my head. It keeps me from trying. I think I told you that the number one reason aside from the fact that it is very hard to get certain medications here, that I gave it up, was I found out up here that there's an opiate called Opana that I was taking. It was a sustained-release thing.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: They almost never give you that particular opiate instead of like Vicodin or whatever unless it's called palliative care up here. As soon as I saw that, I'm like, 'fuck that, I'm not palliative.' I mean that kept me out of being in the class of palliative care, it kept me out of being in certain different drug trial, kept me out of doing this and for some reason I did not like in my head, that made me so angry that I stopped like that, you know, and maybe it's stupid to be like influenced so strongly by labels and things in life or like, perceptions, but I'd like to believe at least it's because I'm strong. I spent three years on daily narcotic therapy and I decided one day that I was just going to stop it and it wasn't pleasant, let me assure you of that. But it wasn't as (unclear) as I thought it would be. I was able to stop. [00:17:51]

I really thought that withdrawal, I mean, the first couple of days you're nose runs. All these like things that are like narcotic withdrawal, was probably the things but they weren't nearly as bad as I like imagined it from reading -

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: what it would be like. Doctors never let me do that. They always want to take you down. And I was like I'm not taking this down. I'm just going to stop. I've done this with habits before and maybe it makes me extreme, I don't know. But it's part of it's just a personality part of me like saying I was on something, most of the time I really do. [00:18:33]

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: Before I just decided to give up being on long term narcotic palliative therapy, the biggest thing I had to claim from that was one day I decided I was going to stop biting my nails, so this one definitely sounds like a better habit to have broken, per se.

THERAPIST: Right. [00:18:50]

CLIENT: But in terms of harder things to do, but it's something I'm really proud of, too, and I feel bad that I'm thinking of doing this again, but it's not the same thing. This is not going to be an everyday thing. This is not going to be an every week thing even. I see this as again, medicine to get me better as opposed to again, if you I wouldn't want that the word "palliative" as opposed to like me in my head thinking that means that like keep me comfortable until you're dead, and really technically what it means -

THERAPIST: (inaudible). [00:19:19]

CLIENT: like if you look up what the word is, but that's what I perceived it was.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It was technically true they're trying to keep me comfortable. It was not specifically anything that they're supposed to have any medicinal, physical benefit. Yes, it's true, but you know what? Fuck that.

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: I feel a lot of time like I'm very weak but when I need to I can be really tough. And I guess I've been thinking about this a lot because today as scared as I am -

(Pause): [00:19:58 00:20:06]

CLIENT: That pretty damn tough dealing with that situation, you know? (Pause) Probably more tough than I needed to be because I didn't realize when he was intimidating me until the summons came, how dangerous this guy was, but -

THERAPIST: How dangerous was he?

CLIENT: Three prior violent convictions. He had bench warrants out for him at this time I guess because there was some sort of, he was technically I thought he had an ankle brace as in like he was when I saw him in the house the first time because of the way his sock was. It was actually an ankle monitor and on top of it so he was under house arrest. I don't know how you get to roam about the city in that way but hey, it was okay. And you know, but he also had warrants out for him because I guess, because one hand doesn't know what the other one is talking to in terms of that. So he had weapons. He had not just had weapons, but also had been convicted in the past for using them in violent methods.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That's pretty dangerous.

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: And, you know, when he sat down with me on the bus, you know, I was scared as hell but I wasn't going to let him know I was scared when he came back on because we don't do that usually.

THERAPIST: Well, yeah.

CLIENT: It's a coin toss but at that point I didn't realize how bad it was. I just, you know. I thought to myself, as much as I'm terrified, if I let him know that now then he's going to be on that bus the same time every day of the week for the rest of my life or at least, you know? But if I pretend like I don't even know he's there, then he's going to think, 'oh, wrong person, or you know, he's not interested in being intimidated,' I guess is the word. He either can't be intimidated, he doesn't recognize who I am, I may have been I basically went to different outcomes in terms of that. Of course, if I acted scared you know it's you know but I'm not usually like I said, it's a coin toss. But it seems like at least things that really matter.

THERAPIST: I know.

CLIENT: I'm terrified of roller coasters.

(Pause): [00:22:39 00:22:48]

CLIENT: That kind of thing. There's a lot of things that I have backed out more than four times getting my tonsils out but the things that are really, really scary, I've done.

(Pause): [00:22:59 00:23:06]

THERAPIST: I'm really sorry, can we (inaudible)?

CLIENT: Um hmm.

(Pause): [00:23:08 00:25:11]

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: As I was saying, it sounds an awful lot like I'm posturing like I'm trying to sound more braver than I really am so I can feel confident. Like, to me when I hear it, it sounds less confident than I really am. I don't know. Maybe it's -

THERAPIST: It kind of sounded a if you sort of anticipate that the other person, I mean, in a way I know you're probably not yourself, but -

CLIENT: I don't know anymore.

THERAPIST: Yeah, like you almost expect sort of to be jumped on in a way for what you're saying, or like you're going to be (inaudible). [00:25:54]

CLIENT: Yeah, I actually am highly conditionable and so these kind of responses to certain things are usually due to something that has happened in the past. And so feeling like that is often because I am expecting it due to something else that has happened, you know. I am usually extremely na�ve about the world and then somehow I get something happens and it's usually not just once, it's a couple of times and then I get very guarded towards that very specific set of things, like saying things like, 'oh, I'm this, or I'm that,' you know?

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Or, it sounds like me saying this out loud, it is most likely because I am expecting because I have in the past having someone say, 'you know it sounds an awful lot like you're acting like a puffer fish right now saying how (unclear) you are hoping that you'll believe it too, but I don't, I don't really feel like that, you know. But I do feel like I'm waiting to be challenged on that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Isn't that weird?

THERAPIST: Chuckle.

(Pause): [00:27:05 00:27:13]

THERAPIST: I mean, in a way well, okay. I guess, first of all, maybe there it is again. (Chuckles)

CLIENT: I'm just explaining it.

THERAPIST: I know. I get it. I know.

CLIENT: Again.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I'm kind of being overly reflective about things lately. About this kind of stuff, like, saying that and then re-thinking things. A few days ago a bunch of friends of mine sent out a thing where everyone's supposed to answer questions about what you were like now and then what you were like at certain ages in your life and everybody can see each other's stuff and like compare all this stuff. And one of them was what you were afraid of like at age 14 and what you're afraid of now. And at age 14 I was afraid of and I literally said, 'nothing.' Nothing at all. And people were like you had to be afraid of something spiders or whatever. And I said, 'well, I'm sure that if someone put a gun to my head I'd probably be at that point afraid of dying.'

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But I was afraid of nothing.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And it wasn't false sense of fear because at that age you're invincible, but it also was the fact that it wasn't just that, it was because of the fact that I really for so many years felt like there wasn't anything that I couldn't overcome given time and potential resources. So there was nothing to be afraid of. Like, you know, like I didn't have to be afraid of spiders because I would be able to know that I was living I would know to stay away from the type of spiders that would be dangerous. Now, I lived in Kentucky and I didn't actually pick up my old fear of spiders after living in Kentucky, but that was a valid reason because they have spiders and other things that actually are dangerous, but I mostly would be reflecting about the fact that that's something for many, many years like well into my 20s I was afraid of very, very, very few things. And now I do all kinds of dumb ass shit because I don't really feel like I'm dealing it isn't just that I don't feel like it but everything's driven by fear, by stupid things are driven by fear, irrational fear. I don't do or don't do things you know. I mean I'm not leaving my house or anything like that, but you know, I don't want the reason why I don't more invest as much time and energy into relationships is because I'm afraid of rejection. Like, into friends and things like that. I'm afraid of, I mean I'm (unclear) way to far in there because there's a lot of other things involved with that, too. But when in the end is being, I'm afraid of putting myself out there and getting hurt. I mean, like you said, I'm more complicated than that situation, but I mean a lot of things, like I learn to be afraid of stuff and -

(Pause): [00:30:34 00:30:51]

CLIENT: I used to kind of actually like being naively arrogant. I'm serious. I would totally trade it.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Sure.

CLIENT: Sure. I'd probably to get myself into trouble again. And sure, I probably would have done some things that were stupid. I think I've told you that I actually clocked a professional hockey player at a party. Yeah. Now, I'm not the kind of person that usually does that kind of thing. The reason why it makes for a great story is because everyone knows me and knows I'm not the kind of person to go to a party and hit somebody.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So, like that's one poignant moment in my life is I'm making excuses for it right now. It's what makes it a fabulous story is that I'm not the kind of person. But that's the kind of naively arrogant thing that I kind of miss being, you know.

THERAPIST: Okay.

(Pause): [00:31:39 00:31:57]

THERAPIST: That's such a different orientation to the world from feeling like the other person's going to (unclear) or kind of jump on what you're saying, feeling like, 'I can handle you in whatever way even if you play in the NFL,' and it gets this (unclear). [00:32:13]

CLIENT: I didn't know that at the time, but yeah. I mean, yes, I kind of do. But yes. It was kind of more along the lines of not necessarily thinking through the decision and (unclear) consequences as much as I needed to. I was speaking about this with my friend, Tracy, when we were in Kentucky, and she told me that she had that same feeling now, too, but it's a very different for her because she's a parent now and she owns a home and she has all this other stuff and so the fear is that her actions can reflect on many, many other people, people that she's responsible for.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I told her, 'I envy that.' I wouldn't mind being like afraid of being brash because I need to make sure that I don't lose my job because I have to make sure I have children to feed, that would totally be okay with me. It's not the same thing.

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: It's different stakes. But being able to be being that way because like due to the fact that I made this choice because I don't have other people to care for, it's not my it's not just me. It's not all about me. That's a different thing. I think I wouldn't feel cheated in a way if that's what it was. Not just because I want to have a family. It's actually different. If I just also just had like my dog around, and I make a decision not to like do this because it might hurt my dog, you know, like that's okay too, you know? I tend not to yell at the dog park at people who (unclear) if my dog is nearby. If I'm by myself, I will actually go up to them and tell them that they're not supposed to have their dog off the leash, or this and that, or about cleaning up after their animal. If my dog's with me, I don't do it because I don't want anything to happen to her. You know? That's the same thing. It's me in my head. [00:34:12]

It sounds weird again, I'm thinking of jump (ph) again, you know, that another person/another life you know, not necessarily being able to handle that. But I miss being able to make those decisions for myself in situations that nobody else has influence but me and, I don't know, I feel like I'm the only person in the world that goes to therapy who's saying, 'I wish I could be more of an asshole.'

THERAPIST: (inaudible).

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But not really.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: (Unclear) other people.

CLIENT: Okay.

(Pause): [00:34:48 00:34:54]

CLIENT: I earnestly wish I could be, because I used to be that way and I don't really think I was entirely that way but I was definitely like I and in certain situations I still am like that in certain situations but not usually. I have to feel like I am first of all sometimes it's because I'm just so wrapped up in it, but usually it's because I have to feel like no matter what, I am my hands, by default, the person, the knowledge (unclear) expert within the next 20 ft radius or something like that, you know. And -

(Pause): [00:35:31 00:35:45]

CLIENT: I guess I kind of miss it. Part of the reason why I doubt myself also is part of the reason why I used to get away with it, is because I was adorable like that. And so like -

(Pause): [00:35:51 00:35:58]

CLIENT: I wouldn't say that I would be getting away with it because of my looks, but I think that it would distract people enough that they wouldn't necessarily react to it as negatively as they would normally.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I know it doesn't really fly so much anymore.

(Pause): [00:36:17 00:36:34]

CLIENT: Which is another regret of mine, part of the reason I want to change my life is to get closer to what I used to be physically. Not just like from I mean I could talk about the mental well-being, like for my health, losing the weight thing, but quite frankly, you know, I really miss the way things used to be because I used to -

THERAPIST: I imagine like people (inaudible). [00:37:04]

CLIENT: Yeah. And I don't know why it is that it didn't -

THERAPIST: (Unclear) the way you are.

CLIENT: It is the way it is. I know it's the way things are. In fact, back then I had lots of justifications for it, too. I felt like, well what I'm doing is I'm protecting the outside that as a creature I am biologically superior. I'm more symmetrical. I am this, I am that. You know, I am like, you see that I am gorgeous. I used to be drop dead gorgeous. I -

(Pause): [00:37:39 00:37:45]

CLIENT: But the thing is, is that I would say things like that but at the end of the day it didn't bother me that much. Maybe it was justified. I don't know. To be honest, I barely recognized sometimes the way I justified things back then in my life, I barely recognize them as being rational, sometimes. But yet, it is rational. It's being this and that and like, all these things like is showing that I am mentally, physically, (unclear) lots of things. [00:38:16]

But you know, I don't think it's necessarily right, I don't think this is not my place to break the (unclear) but I miss it. I do miss having those kinds of advantages.

(Pause): [00:38:25 00:38:29]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

(Pause): [00:38:32 00:38:36]

CLIENT: And I'd like to say that I didn't use it my superpowers for evil, but I did.

THERAPIST: (Chuckles)

CLIENT: You know.

(Pause): [00:38:42 00:38:52]

CLIENT: Not really. But you know, I mean like I didn't I couldn't I'd like to say I didn't take advantage of it, the situation, but I think I did. Ow. But I don't feel bad about it. And I miss it because it made things a lot easier for me.

(Pause): [00:39:08 00:39:37]

CLIENT: I wish I wasn't me, but I am.

(Pause): [00:39:38 00:39:49]

CLIENT: I think that's part of the reason why I am so desperate to stop the clock in many ways. I do see cognitive decline. I do see this, I do see that, you know. But also, quite frankly, you know, I've been trying like hell to stop the physical aging process with me hoping that if I lose the weight then I can still look young, too. And get on with it. You know?

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

(Pause): [00:40:20 00:40:43]

CLIENT: My mother made a joke two days ago that hit a little too close she didn't mean to be mean about it at all, which is that they should have some program for aging prodigies to cope with the world. And she meant it like with a lot of love in her heart about this, you know, but it's kind of true to basically have some sort of thing where you can get the hard skills of how to live like a normal person, you know? Because things are not always that easy.

(Pause): [00:41:26 00:41:52]

CLIENT: And the worst thing is that I feel really awful about the fact that -

THERAPIST: Actually this is so much to swallow that I think you're lost.

CLIENT: Yeah, but.

THERAPIST: I'm not saying you're gone for always, but you've (unclear).

CLIENT: I'm never generating I mean there are parts of things that are gone forever.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I've never like the parts that my immune system has killed, literally, will never come back and anyone who is going to tell me otherwise is lying to me. But, yet at the same time like, yes, in theory, I can lose weight, you know.

(Pause): [00:42:25 00:42:34]

CLIENT: There are -

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Not usually, from what I understand. No one wants to start with me on it. And this is actually, again, the point where I make that empty promise in which I'm going to get the testing done. I really am going to do it this time, though.

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Did I give you some things (inaudible)?

CLIENT: Yes. Yes. And I've been meaning to do it and this is sort of that period of time where I probably will because it doesn't seem like it's so hard to deal with right now, whereas, you know -

(Pause): [00:43:02 00:43:08]

CLIENT: I've sort of built up my own -

(Pause): [00:43:09 00:43:15]

CLIENT: I don't know how to explain this to be comfortable with the way things are with me right now, I sort of built up my own like I don't what it really is like, I don't know how to explain this trope, I guess, maybe?

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: A way of being where I explain to people sometimes when they, like they're completely baffled by the fact that I have, for example, I get aphasia a lot. And first I want to make a joke about the fact that no matter how many words I forget, I never forget the word, "aphasia."

THERAPIST: (Chuckle)

CLIENT: Never forget the word, "aphasia." That I am the most ditsy genius that they will ever meet, you know, they'll kind of figure that I'm the most flaky, person they'll ever meet. I've built up that almost like of trope such that I can feel comfortable being, having these kind of failings. My building up at the same time by saying that I'm brilliant, but it just doesn't look like it right now.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

(Pause): [00:44:17 00:44:27]

CLIENT: And part of it's to make myself feel better.

(Pause): [00:44:28 00:44:42]

CLIENT: But yeah, I just hold myself up to a standard that is probably not healthy, but definitely not healthy, probably unattainable, you know?

(Pause): [00:44:55 00:45:08]

CLIENT: But I don't really see it most of the time being perfectionism as much as the fact that unless I constantly look and (unclear) I don't do well. You know?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: I didn't have this happen very often I life, but a few times in life where I've been put in a class that was too slow or too remedial for me.

THERAPIST: You didn't do well.

CLIENT: I didn't do well.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I need to be challenged. It's not just about perfectionism because I think if I ever reached perfectionism, I think I would be upset. It's about constantly looking to change and become better (unclear) metamorphosis more than the actual end product. And so when I have bosses that say things like, 'oh, you're probably one of the smartest people in the building, and this is back in Pittsburgh, and I'm thinking inside my head, 'no, I'm actually probably the smartest person in this zip code,' but I really don't care what you think because you're opinion doesn't matter to me.' You know? Like it isn't because of I'm constantly thinking, 'oh, I have to be that. It's you that think that I am.' Or, like it's not that I feel -

THERAPIST: (Unclear) expectations for yourself.

CLIENT: It's not like I feel like I have to be perfect. It's because I know that I can do it. [00:46:30]

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Okay. That's good. I will be in next week.

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Thank you so much.

THERAPIST: You're welcome. I hope you begin to feel better.

CLIENT: Yep. Thanks.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Are (unclear) streets or (unclear) busses or -

THERAPIST: Seems to be.

CLIENT: (Laughs)

THERAPIST: It's a good thing.

CLIENT: I know, I know.

END TRANSCRIPT