TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hey.

CLIENT: Hey. (pause at 00:00:17 until 00:00:23) Oh. It's been a really exhausting week. It's good but just exhausting. So. Lots of stuff I've been trying to get done and you know. (inaudible at 00:00:44) lots (inaudible at 00:00:47) I I think I've talked ad nauseum about how I've gone to certain doctors and although I have reported certain things in my life. And I'm certain the reason why they don't believe me is because is because there are the vast majority of people who perception and reality are very, very different things. You know? Like saying "I have gained an enormous amount of weight." Or "I'm sleeping all the time." Or you know, that kind of stuff. [00:01:17]

THERAPIST: You have mentioned it. I certainly am not nauseous.

CLIENT: Oh well yeah. Okay. So I finally I feel like I've gotten it on biometrics that can't be faked. That when I go in to the see this go in to see this I have now logged . Actually I feel like I want to say this.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Sure.

CLIENT: Like for example they always want to say that my weight is due to a lifestyle problem not because I think that my thyroid I already take thyroid medicine. I think it's gone completely out of whack. Like I have been now on a restrictive diet. I'm a thousand calories a day. I walk an enormous amount. And I'm still actively gaining weight. At about a pound a month. [00:02:04]

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yeah. So. For today see I've walked so far 4.1 miles.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yeah. For the week it's only Tuesday I've walked 7.4. This month I've walked -

THERAPIST: Oh this is from the (inaudible at 00:02:21).

CLIENT: Yeah 61.3 miles. So but on top of that when I say that I'm exhausted I know that people again I'm sure that people exaggerate as to how tired they are. I have been doing biometric stuff on my sleeping too now to show that I am actively, actually sleeping. So I've now been doing all the stats for that showing that I really do sleep when I say I sleep 12, 13 hours a day. I now I feel like I can go in and say, "Hey this is the data. I know that it's very easy to brush it off as like this is what-" [00:02:58]

THERAPIST: "Ah she's saying she walked three miles but really it was a 100 yards."

CLIENT: Yeah. Or you may do that once and you're not doing this all the time. Like I feel like I now have months and months of data to show that this is a really consistent problem. The only thing I can't do is prove that I'm really not eating anymore than I'm doing right now. Because other than grocery receipts, how in the world am I going to do that?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But I feel like I can go in there and feel like I can say, "You know what? I am doing everything humanly possible. I need to find a different answer here." And so I feel like now that I have the ability to do the sleep-tracking thing who knows maybe they might be . Because I'm supposed to be able to export this out to like a Excel spreadsheet. Maybe it can tell me that I'm not getting enough deep sleep. Who knows? Because it shows all kinds of things. Not just how much you're sleeping. [00:03:56]

And so maybe I can finally say, "I am doing everything I can. I need some answers." You know? "And (sighs) if you can't give me answers I need you to refer to somebody who can because I've been playing the game way too long for this." And so I just feel like my life's on hold. It sucks. So we'll see what happens. You know? I am frustrated with people saying "Oh (inaudible at 00:04:36) moving enough. Are you doing this?" Let me assure you I am moving plenty. You know? I don't want to. Most of the time I really, really don't want to but I'm trying be compliant. I'm not trying to plead my case with you here. I'm just expressing my frustrations because when I'm being compliant I don't always like to be compliant. I feel like I need to get credit. You know? So. We'll see what happens. [00:05:03] (pause until 00:05:15) It's -

THERAPIST: Well I guess it sort of adds insult to injury.

CLIENT: Yeah. And like I said, I know that in so many things in the world people will say that this going to happen or they're doing this and maybe they don't. I don't think that they actively lie but they may not really have really good information. I'm a scientist engineer. I know how to take measurements. And the only way that they originally were able to diagnose my rheumatoid arthritis is because I said I've been running a fever. And at first I got the whole eye rolling this was a school infirmary. (inaudible at 00:05:53) yeah that's probably not right.

And then finally making it to a doctor and then showing "Okay so I have three temperature points during the day. And this is what my temperature is." You know? And that's the only reason why they ever had a clue that there might be an immune system problem. They could have figured it out so many times along the line. They could have figured it out but they never did. [00:06:16]

And I'm still very bitter because I feel like if the doctors actually did their job back when I was a kid I wouldn't have artificial body parts. You know? I feel like I don't want to be like one of those pain in the ass patients that think that they know everything but you know why is the onus entirely on me to be to get them to do their job? We'll see. But now I have to, on top of that, I had I'm also in the process of getting a bunch of dental things redone. And I can't remember the type of dentistry that I do. I'm going to this my dentist wanted me to see this very specific specialist for root canals. That's all they do.

And I hate being a special (inaudible at 00:07:16). Like I really hate being (inaudible) snowflake. Like this is not even the first dozen time I've been more told more than twelve times at least that I have strange anatomy based upon something. Usually it has to do with my mother's Easter European background. It's like "You're missing two ribs therefore we need to do -" Or you have too many ribs. Like you have this. Or you have that. [00:07:43]

And statistically apparently everybody has one thing that is different. That is significantly different in their anatomy. I have a lot. I have a lot of extra bones. I have a lot things where the symmetry is not right. That kind of stuff. Well this particular thing is that in the roots of my teeth the anatomy is very unusual and extremely difficult.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: And therefore they want to send me to this person because it can't really be done by a regular it can but it would not be good.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And they've had to sedate the bejeezus out of me. At a time which of course gives you wonders as to how bad it's going to be. I had a root canal once. It was the possibly one of the most painful not physically painful but it kept going. I think I went there five times. Six times.

THERAPIST: For one root canal?

CLIENT: For one root canal. Because they kept having to find like new pathways of the way that the nerve ending was going. They had to discover a new like twists and turns yeah. So this time they think it's only going to be two. But I'm (inaudible at 00:08:51). But the night before not just the day of they're giving me Valium. Oh no! I get Valium the night before! Oh yeah! Doesn't that seem like a little unusual? I asked if it because they thought I couldn't sleep and they said, "No, no, no. It's actually because-" Something about -. [00:09:08]

THERAPIST: Like help your system ready?

CLIENT: Yeah. It's like the relaxation of the jaw will be much, much better.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: If I know. I was like, "Okay." So I have this prescription for two pills of Valium.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (chuckles) And I have to take it beforehand. And they're like, "This is a lot of Valium. So even if you're taking the subway, could you have somebody come with you?"

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: (laughs) Really! (laughter) Really interesting. So-

THERAPIST: It should be a relaxed evening.

CLIENT: I hope so. But we'll see. But then also it makes me wonder if they're going have to pry my mouth open so much that they're doing that they actually told me they may have to give me an I.V. of it later too because I locked up. But it's just kind of like a weird thing. It's I don't know if they're just being super, super vigilant ahead of time to make sure it's not a bad experience or if this is going to be so bad that they're you know. I don't know. It just makes me a little worried. [00:10:11]

Anyway that doctor scared the bejeezus out of me. Not because of that actually. But she's told me if I don't find like I was telling you about (inaudible at 00:10:19). She could see that I broke two teeth in like a span of two weeks. She told me, "Neck guards are like a stop gap. If you do not find what's making you grind your teeth and stop it now, you won't have any more crowns. You will not have crowns at all because we can't put them in. You're going to ruin the bone in your jaws such that we can't even put implants in."

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Not quite as strong as that but it was very, very strong. And that really scared me. And we talked about the fact that there is a lot of very controversial treatments that they have to make this stop. And I explained that every time I go to the dentist I talk about this idea that I have of giving you biofeedback by giving you a light shock. And everyone thinks that's weird. And she's like, "No, no, no. That's exactly I mean not that exactly." But she's like, "We've got to figure out how to retrain you from grinding your teeth because if you don't -" There is nothing she can do to fix it. [00:11:24]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So I may be going to see this doctor to get botox put in me. Not like botox like forehead botox. (inaudible at 00:11:32)

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Paralyze a few of the muscles. Not all of them but a few of them so that they're very specifically . I will be able to use my use my jaw but it won't be so strong.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: So then it's kind of an interesting concept. And I normally would be very, very shied away from it. Like the concept of botchulism toxin is not a big (inaudible at 00:11:55) thing for me.

THERAPIST: (chuckles) Really?

CLIENT: Yeah. It's probably not even the worst thing that I've done to myself in some way or another. [00:12:02]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: But you know honestly at this point I'm -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? I'm okay with that. I did not realize that if you grind enough that your teeth that it's not just your teeth that are starting to break that it's physically the bones in your jaw start to break down. And if there is nothing for them to implant that means that you don't have teeth. Like I will have dentures.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And my parents both mostly my mom have a lot of dental work. And she actually has implants, which are like different than crowns. It's weird. But I mean I just thought eventually I'm going to have to get implants. Blah, blah, blah. Which is expensive. They're between six and ten K per tooth. I mean it's expensive.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: But they're really they're very . And you would eventually maybe by 60s or 70s I'll have to get that done. But she was giving me a whole different timeline. That made me think, you know, I'm not just going to be like, "Okay eventually I'll grind down (inaudible at 00:13:06)."

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So I think I'm going to try and look into this. I am amused by the concept of like I said botox for that. But it's not the weirdest thing. (inaudible) chemotherapy for rheumatoid arthritis too. [00:13:26]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Like yeah. These are not the weirdest concepts. So. But just sort of taking care of things I need to do. There are a couple of other potential things coming up with my job that I'm trying to go out for but I'm not sure if they're going to work out. But in the end it doesn't matter to me that much. The fact that I'm actually trying to do them. At work they have these things they often refer to them as fellowships or career experiences.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: They're not promotions. They are not raises or anything like that. And they're not a job transfer. You just go and you do a job other than your own for six weeks or six months or whatever. [00:14:14]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Sometimes it's because you're talented and sometimes it's because they're trying teach you a new skill to see if you're any good at it. That kind of thing. And there is currently one going on for some things related to retail about fixing some of their in-store apps. Like as employees, we have -

THERAPIST: I see. (inaudible at 00:14:39)

CLIENT: You can't them on the app store so they're internally used.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And they're not right.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:14:44) selling somebody a phone.

CLIENT: Actually there is all kinds of stuff like that. Yeah. Like if somebody already like if their contract is up.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Or like as a trainer I find out what this person like when they came in last time and what time it was. And who they worked with and what store. And all that stuff. Well there are a lot of problems with certain ones of them. So they have this six-week experience out in (inaudible at 00:15:08) to do this. And the thing about it is that although after meeting with management they think I may not be as good a candidate for it. Not because I'm not already talented but because they really want it looks like the way it's written is that they're hoping to find some poor kid who works in the stockroom and teach him how to program. And build them up. [00:15:32]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Than find somebody who already knows how to fix these things and come out there and just get it done. They're really looking more to find, again and it sounds terrible to say it that way.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But you know some kid who has never been a programmer but knows the stockroom inside and out and knows where all the problems are. Sit him down, have a mentor. Somebody who knows how to make an app.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And teach and have that person be the person why the stockroom doesn't work.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And this. As opposed to the girl who knows how to make apps. But I'm still going to apply for it anyways.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And even if I don't get it I think that the burst it's not really so much enthusiasm so much as hope that I got over it. It really did help I think.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: For this they don't ask for a resume for these things. They want a profile. And so which is-it's more or less a how do I explain this? An infographic about you. [00:16:45]

THERAPIST: (chuckles)

CLIENT: Do you know what an infographic is?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Okay. It's instead of just about your resume it's more like something illustrated to show who you are and what you're enthusiastic about. And this and all that stuff. And so which I honestly never made in my life.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And the presentation of how you do it is more than just the actual content. So I had come up with this idea. And because it is a very I read about this. And before I got a chance to really spend a whole lot of time talking with management (inaudible at 00:17:29) Tuesday. Or Thursday. And so I decided to just get it done. And I had this great idea of not only am I going to have this thing that I send them but it's also going to have a QR code on it. Which I redid. Those are those weird barcodes that you take pictures of in the subway. And when you do that it takes you over to my FTP site where you can download an app where if you press the little buttons on the app it tells you things about me. [00:17:55]

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: I thought nobody is going to know that they can build apps like that. So that I thought that was going to be (inaudible at 00:18:08) show them I already know. Like I can tell them about how much I know but how are they going to know until they do this?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: So I did that. And I spent most of Sunday night doing that. And then I mean (inaudible at 00:18:21) pictures of me doing things. They really wanted and again I came from a world where you don't use pictures because that's not what you look like. That's not what it's about.

THERAPIST: You mean like photos of (inaudible at 00:18:35)?

CLIENT: Photos of you. Yeah. You're not supposed to be like -

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:18:38)

CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible) but I came from a world where you handed in a resume.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: And it would be extremely inappropriate to put a picture of yourself on the resume.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:18:50) heat shots (inaudible).

CLIENT: Yeah. So yeah. Exactly. And not only that but there was a period of time was it was recommended that you just use your initials. [00:19:02]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So that they didn't necessarily know you were a girl. Not because you would be discriminated against but if you wanted not to be picked because you were a woman. I never really gave a damn that much so I just never did that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But so I went and dug up and (inaudible at 00:19:21) pictures taking of me in forever. And they really want (inaudible at 00:19:26) a picture of you just sitting there. They want you in some sort of way that is going to make you give some sort of personality about what you do. So (laughs). I probably ought to just show this to you.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: This is hilarious. Apparently at one point I took this picture while I was doing I'd never even saved it myself. I had to get it from somebody else. A picture of me back when I was doing hardware stuff. Like actual clean room stuff.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So you're about to see me in a bunny suit doing things you should never be doing in a clean room which I think that's why I deleted it. It's because I thought, "Oh my gosh. I have to get rid of the evidence." Yeah. [00:20:15]

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: Yes. And I think it sent it to somebody. I don't remember. But (inaudible at 00:20:27) had a copy of it and she sent it to me. So (inaudible). So here I am in the bunny suit taking you're not supposed to have cameras in there. You're not supposed to be doing any of that stuff.

THERAPIST: (chuckles)

CLIENT: And apparently my bosses loved that. They just thought that was extremely they had heard I worked in hardware. They were like, "You worked in clean rooms?" I'm like, "Yeah." And they're like (inaudible at 00:20:59). And the next thing you know it became this discussion about this. And I'm like, "I'm not sure I want to talk about this kind of stuff but ." I don't know. It's not that I really miss that world. I really don't have the dexterity to do certain things anymore. [00:21:17]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But just sending out a mass e-mail saying, "Hey does anyone have these pictures of me?" It was really nice to kind of go back and see all those years. Because those it was nice. It did make me sad though. I'm still missing the picture of me sitting on a missile, which I'm trying to figure out where the hell that one went to.

THERAPIST: Like literally sitting on a missile?

CLIENT: Yeah. Like literally sitting on missiles. Yeah. It didn't have a payload. (laughs)

THERAPIST: That's probably good. (laughs)

CLIENT: Back when I worked for (inaudible at 00:21:52)

THERAPIST: (inaudible) ground or -

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:21:55)

CLIENT: No seriously. They have this area that it was kind of weird. It would be for visiting people from different countries involved in their military come visit. It's kind of like a showroom of missiles. Things like that. [00:22:11]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: We would see these at Air & Space Museum but those are usually old ones. These are new ones. And when I worked there at one point I had seen Dr. Strangelove too many times. And I had to get a picture of me riding a missile because I love Dr. Strangelove. So I got a picture. And like I said I have no idea where it is but that would have been also really great to talk about. Like I love this or that.

But apparently those kind of special interest pictures which I never think ever to take of myself really possibly because you're really not supposed to. Apparently are like those kind of pictures will do more for it than saying I have a Master's in Engineering. And you're showing and even more than I created an app to show you more about myself.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I don't know how I feel about that. I mean I'll give in. But like I don't know. It feels weird doing that. But this kind of it's not like shameless self promotion but it's more like . It seems how do I explain it? I get a kick out of seeing it myself but putting it on for something to make people want to hire me is not it seems not wrong but upsetting that they would do that. Because that's the reason why. Not because of "Hey you know, I'm very good at this." You know? Because it's trying to show that I'm fun and interesting to be around. [00:23:56]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah that's like especially the content. It's sort of P.R.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I won't avoid doing this whole like branding yourself thing, P.R. stuff but I find it kind of a little bit disconcerting. You know? That's what the way the world goes. (pause at 00:24:25 until 00:24:32)

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Yeah. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I mean (sighs) also now I'm thinking about the fact that I now I have to be mindful about the concept of this "now this may be a really great photo moment for the future." [00:24:55]

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: The missile picture was taken in 1996 or 97. That was taken just before I left because I was working on a project. Grad school type of thing but it was more of a I'd mostly been out of the field at the same but I was just doing it for fun. But those are the only two I can think of. That's it. And I guess it's kind of weird to have to start me thinking the way that I'm doing in my life to start taking pictures. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: I don't know. It's just kind of weird. Especially because at least the ones that people really loved are things that really should never have been done. You know? And maybe that's the reason why they love it is because no one takes pictures in clean rooms. Or nobody -[00:26:02]

THERAPIST: Right. Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't know. Of course my manager knows nothing about it. (inaudible at 00:26:08) So this is literally out of her skill set.

THERAPIST: Right. Right.

CLIENT: So but it just seems so weird to have be mindful about something like this is a moment that I might need to share. Instead of loving and enjoying and having a good time and when all of my life when I've been doing stuff around the house or doing this or that. I don't really think about "oh this is something that I'm going to have a need."

THERAPIST: Right. A professionalization of various, random, fun things in your life?

CLIENT: Yeah! You know? It feels weird. And I don't mean to be stodgy but I mean I've done a lot of things I'm okay with being stodgy about. But it just seems really weird to have to be constantly looking for that right moment for something that's going to be appropriate to do. You know? [00:27:09]

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: So. The when I was explaining this to Mike he mentioned the fact that at his lab they regularly have days where the photographers come over.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: It's not for any reason. It's like there isn't even necessarily an article planned. And they're not really doing anything. They're just getting stock footage of stuff from them doing pseudo science for no good reason. So that if they need a picture of something that looks like this and often it's selected because they need something with the color green that involves science. And they already have it. [00:27:52]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I just never had that personal experience myself either. I've had the "oh well you have an article coming out about this and we need a picture of you working on a microscope." But like taking pictures for the sake of "today's stock footage day" over at the (inaudible at 00:28:09) Institute. That's kind of weird. But I think it makes me feel very like I said behind the times and old. But yet at the same time wondering, "Is this really ?" You know (sighs). I don't know that I like where that's going. You know?

THERAPIST: Well it sounds like you have a kind of distrust. You don't feel like you can trust where this is going or trust that the people who are planning this or making this stuff up really know what they're doing. Or have the right [00:28:57]

CLIENT: Well it's a couple of different things like that. One is the distrust of "Wow so you're -." I could totally leave off the fact that I know anything here but I can put a picture there with a subtitle saying, "Here I am making (inaudible at 00:29:10)."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And that makes it so much better than the fact that I have done this. (inaudible at 00:29:19) have nothing to do with making apps. But that's apparently what (inaudible) are cool.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And trust me I never thought they were cool at all. They look ridiculous. But I guess to some people it might be but it's not even necessarily the frame of reference. Not even necessarily (inaudible at 00:29:39) good for that job. It just shows that I have done something different. I mean (sighs).

THERAPIST: Sort of making you stand out?

CLIENT: Making me stand out but making me stand out in a way that maybe isn't appropriate. Not appropriate but isn't I mean the (inaudible) isn't necessarily important. You know? [00:30:02]

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: Basically what I'm trying to think of is if I were cooking lobsters and I had a really hilarious picture of me cooking lobsters that would be what's game fair game anymore at this point? Would that be something I put on my profile for my job?

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Also but the big thing for me is that I for me I try and be very, very plain thinking in certain things. I don't like to over-analyze my life. Although it seems like it when I'm here. At least to myself. But I don't want always think as I go through my life thinking at every moment thinking "Is this something I need to document because maybe it will make my life better?" You know? That's boring. I don't think that's really a good way to have to live to be like, "Okay, hold on! You've got to get a picture of this now." [00:31:00]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: You know? Instead of just enjoying experiences as they happen. And I don't know. Like I said it's something weird to think about for me. And so in terms of flexibility I've always been okay with it but this is maybe I'll get over it eventually but it just seems weird. Seems very weird to me. But yeah. I mean part of it is human interest. Making me stand out. (inaudible at 00:31:42) But like I don't know. It just it doesn't feel dishonest but it doesn't feel like relevant either. [00:32:00]

So. But (sighs) we'll see what happens with that. Like I said now that I know that that's what the actual intention is I know I probably won't get the job. Get the job being like get do to this. There is no extra money for it anyways. I did before I really knew what it was get a kick out of throwing together of something cute. (inaudible at 00:32:39) about me. And I don't regret (inaudible at 00:32:42). (inaudible) bio page that I can print out and hand to them for something else. But I don't have any regrets about it. So.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: But it's exhausting. So. That's part of one of the many things that's pretty good but tiring this week. [00:33:09] (pause until 00:33:17)

THERAPIST: It sounds like you had fun with it.

CLIENT: Yeah I did. I did. I'm trying to more as I can but not push myself too hard.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's just a really weird line to walk. Saying like I'm trying push myself too much. What people think worked for them is not necessarily the same thing for me. In terms of pushing myself too much.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah. It's all really how you feel.

CLIENT: Yeah. So I went to a new suburb for the first time like this week. [00:33:57]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I mean I've (inaudible at 00:33:59) stop on the subway but never been there.

THERAPIST: Oh wow.

CLIENT: I am certain that at some point I have driven through there on the way to get to 95 possibly. I think that's technically part of it.

THERAPIST: Probably yeah.

CLIENT: Again I've been on the subway or I've been in the car but I've never actually been on the ground there.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Until Saturday. Yeah. And it's not like I was actually avoiding it. It's just -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean I've had some serious sleep to catch up on. (laughs) So.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. So I did that. And I'm trying to do stuff. I won't say that doing things makes my mood any better but I won't say that I can definitely say that not doing things makes my mood worse. Like I am a person that hates being passive. [00:35:00]

THERAPIST: Yes I know.

CLIENT: Yeah. So.

THERAPIST: What did you get out to do?

CLIENT: There is like a movie premiere not really premiere because it's not going to be out for awhile. Someone I work with mentioned there is a remake of Much Ado About Nothing, which is what we saw. But it's being made by this guy that I guess does science fiction films. I went and saw it. It wasn't bad. (inaudible at 00:35:31) I want to say?

THERAPIST: (inaudible)?

CLIENT: Yeah. Buffy the Vampire Slayer guy. Yeah. He shot on a lark shot Much Ado About Nothing in eleven days at his house. Like on a camera phone or something.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Yeah. So the first testing and I guess this summer is going to be in theaters.

THERAPIST: Oh wow.

CLIENT: Mm-hmm. And it was like I said. It was not when it comes to like I am so such a critic about Shakespeare. I don't regret going. I don't regret spending the money. It was quite a long line and all that kind of stuff but it wasn't the best performance but I don't think anybody can do it in eleven days and have it be the best performance. [00:36:18]

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: At somebody's house on a camera phone.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? But (inaudible at 00:36:25). So. But it was more-it was less about. Out of all the Shakespeares it's one of my favorites. It was less about the movie more than just like going out and doing something.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: So.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:36:47)

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So and just like it's nice to do that. Now I know of a theater that you would go to in Summerville so that if we wanted to go do something there is one of those places that has crazy art house films to go see. And that kind of stuff. So now I know that. Great. So. [00:37:12]

THERAPIST: (inaudible) energy (inaudible) stuff.

CLIENT: Yeah. Some of it isn't always that. It's more like just replanning the time. It's not more flexibility. I definitely have more energy but it's not as (inaudible at 00:37:28) as it seems like. It's like, "Wow. I know we're going to go out so I need a nap or I need to do this."

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: But it's still better. It's better. Than it's been. So. But it's (inaudible at 00:37:42). Really trying. And unfortunately I feel really bad but my spouse is like having a lot of depression related issues himself. And he's not going out. And he's struggling. He's getting more and more unable to be in social atmospheres. He's just having a lot more trouble again. He's not as comfortable. He's never been great about it. But he's making small talk. Asking for help. That kind of stuff. And he's getting worse at it. So. And [00:38:33]

THERAPIST: (inaudible) going on with him?

CLIENT: Honestly at this point I really don't know. He says it's over. I almost entirely mostly believe him. I think that (sighs). I think that he just hates himself and just assumes everybody else will too. You know? And even though he may not be acting out it is difficult sometimes for him to put himself in certain situations. Like he shies away e-mailing a group of people about something that he doesn't understand or doesn't know because he doesn't want to be publicly shamed. You know? So. He also and this is part of this and this is really upsetting. His gaming group he had a fight with somebody and ended up leaving. [00:39:43]

THERAPIST: Oh no.

CLIENT: Well it's this guy has been waiting. Gaming is not about politics. This guy keeps baiting Mike. And baiting Mike. And Mike just got really upset and just left. I hope he doesn't not go back. But -

THERAPIST: You hope (inaudible at 00:40:08)

CLIENT: I'm sorry. I hope he goes back.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But it was such a distressing thing.

THERAPIST: Oh that's too bad.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think that yeah. I think that that really reinforced that anything he believes strongly should not be spoken aloud. So. But talking about how he feels about something. Because whenever he talks about what he believes in these conversations it very quickly devolves into in one situation literally being called Hitler. [00:40:50]

Yeah. Slavery. Like all kinds. Like all of a sudden this guy I'm not saying everybody does this. This one person who is obviously doing it to get Mike upset but he's doing because he's like I guess it's a real thrill to like bait the conservative. And this and that. And -

THERAPIST: Mike is like politically conservative?

CLIENT: He is.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: Not as much as me but yeah. And so this guy who is for example and this is I'm really glad I've never met this person. This guy is an actual honest to goodness socialist.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And he talks about socialism this and socialism that. And so originally he came into it talking about this and talking about this. And Mike's like "I really don't feel comfortable this." Well if you don't feel uncomfortable you better start because you've got to get used to it because that's the way the future's going. He's like "I don't really want to talk about this." And then finally at some point he's like talking about the fact that my wife's family was tortured under the guise of this kind of stuff. I really don't want to talk about it. [00:42:01]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And it became like "Well your wife's family were slaveholders obviously."

THERAPIST: Oh God.

CLIENT: My family did have serfs. It's true. We're talking 1200 years ago. I'm thinking when feudalism really happened at that point. But then it became "Your wife's family are slaveholders. They should be ashamed. Anything that happened to them, they reap what they sow." This is like -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You can see where this is going. And I know that 99.99 percent of people who are on a different political spectrum are not like this. (inaudible at 00:42:38) For me I'm perfectly comfortable with the baiting on that level. Saying, "You know what? I don't feel like talking about this." He just got so and he didn't talk about this kind of stuff. So much that when he gets yelled out and be told a terrible person like in certain situations I wasn't around for it to know all of it he doesn't ever want to talk about it again. So the next thing you know it's like he doesn't really want to have conversations with people because they're already negative. [00:43:08]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And that's kind of the way he had things when he grew up. That if you said you're not all that interested in something then (inaudible at 00:43:19). So he stopped talking.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And so I'm just really, really worried about him. But I don't I don't like being helpless. And the number one thing is that I feel so helpless with his feelings like this.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I don't -

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:43:46) frustrating for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. You know? The extreme version of it is if he has a migraine which isn't all that often. I feel extremely helpless.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So this is like a much more (inaudible at 00:44:07) version of that.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I just I don't know.

THERAPIST: We should stop. For now.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:44:16)

CLIENT: Yep. See you next week. [00:44:21] [end of audio]

END TRANSCRIPT