TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: I'm glad you made it.

CLIENT: Oh. (sigh) Today is just one of those days where I feel like I just want to go back and redo everything. It's not like anything really bad happened, but it's just like (sigh), yeah. It's just the odds were not in my favor today.

THERAPIST: I'm sorry to hear that.

CLIENT: But it's nothing specifically to get pissed about. Just, you know, lots of little things. But (sigh) I'm sort of having a bit of just feeling cruddy. Like nothing really makes me especially happy. That kind of thing, you know? And I'm very grumpy.

And I hate when I feel like this because I feel like I have to wear like a disclaimer on the front of me saying, "Nothing will make me happy and trying to do so will make me more pissed off. So just leave me alone. Just like, you know, ignore me and I will eventually get better. You know, just give me some time." [00:01:27]

THERAPIST: Noted.

CLIENT: Not you. Just, you know, in general. But I went to Penny's thing. I'm not really sure if it was a wedding. There were no vows, there was nothing like that. It was very bizarre.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: There vows were said via music, which they played their instruments. Yeah, it was just one of those north wind blessing them all. Yeah, the whole nine yards. It was very bizarre. Her poor extremely Catholic mother just seemed floored and confused by everything. But, you know, it was an okay time. So I'm glad that I went. And, you know, that's pretty much all I can say about that. I mean it's just, like I said, it's just too bizarre to like be real. [00:02:32]

But there are other things that I'm just, you know, just been (pause) emotionally shut down, because I just feel like I am disappointed by a lot of things in life. And I feel like on some level that because they are not officially in my control of things, that voicing my unhappiness or my concern is just making things worse. You know?

My husband got his reappointment letter the other day. And he was all excited because it said for another year and this and that. And I said, "This one says that you're a research associate. All the other ones that I have here, you've said to me in the past, say you are a postdoctoral fellow. Should we be concerned about that? You know? Amongst other things." [00:03:37]

And, you know, he just doesn't cope with that kind of stuff. He doesn't even know how to resolve those kinds of issues.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Like is this a (inaudible at 00:03:44) like form letter or, do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Or what?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Or is it only you get three years and, you know, this. Like, is by saying this is he misrepresenting himself by saying he's a postdoctoral fellow? I don't know.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And the way he sees it is like, "Well if I'm a research person, well they're unionized. I should go talk to my union rep." Like, "No don't go talk to your union rep. Go talk to the right person and figure out what " You know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like (sigh) yeah. And he's like, "Well if it's true then, you know, I need to be paid more because that's what You know, research people do get a whole lot more money than post docs do because of, you know, blah, blah, blah grants."

And I'm like, "Great. I know that you're trying to see the positive in this. Like saying, ‘Hey, I need to get paid more.' But really what you need to do is figure out what they're doing and just get some work done." You know? So that's been sort of a frustration. You know? [00:04:45]

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: And as he was clearly disappointed that yesterday was our anniversary and the only people that really remembered was my parents and Penny. Like none of his family said anything, boo, about anything. And he really didn't want to call them up for anything but, you know, we had something that was really funny he wanted to share.

My parents got us a cake for it. And it's really hilarious because, we don't really exactly know how this happened, but the world's worst spelling of the word "anniversary."

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Like most people like if the added "e" and the "a" they'd misspell that. And they had that part too, but they're missing and "r." It's like, it was just to us the most We weren't angry. This was actually the most hilarious part of the day is how badly "Happy Anniversary" was spelled. You know? But, you know, it's just really funny. [00:05:43]

And he's like, "Yeah, I really feel like I can't share this with anybody because they're just not, you know, all that interested in taking my calls or whatever." I'm like, "Yeah, well, you know, why don't you talk to somebody about that." You know, try to do that. You could see he was clearly upset about that kind of thing. Partially because of the fact that if like on his level I mean, they sort of didn't think it was going to last. You know?

They think we got married for the wrong reasons, though I'm not really sure what the wrong reasons are. I thought the wrong reasons were like, you know, going to war, having a baby, like those kind of things. Not like because you're in love with one another and that kind of thing. But who knows. But, you know, it's not You know, it was just I didn't expect anything anyways, but they are, you know, just who they are. But, (pause) you know, it's exhausting sometimes. You know? [00:06:54]

(pause) I am pretty upset about the fact that there are certain things about the anniversary I sort of didn't really want to celebrate about because, you know, he hasn't been especially honest with me about acting out. And I inadvertently found out that, you know, certain things were, you know, happening.

It's really important for me to like really state that I am not snooping. You know? I don't really want to know these kind of things. It's actually like the anti I'm not in denial, but I also The details that I want to know are not the details I would ever find out. You know?

We're in the middle of the Catskill Mountains, we're using his phone to navigate and he's getting like the notifications. He's getting notifications on a thread that he's subscribed to. I see what the thread is because it comes up on the phone while I'm telling him that, you know -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "Okay, we're going to be turning right soon." [00:08:04]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know? These are not things I mean, when I say that I don't want to know about that, that's not really so much the It's so complicated for me. I just don't want to be sneaky. I'm not actively trying to snoop into his life to find these kinds of things out.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But at the same time there are things I would like to know. I specifically can't think of any of them off the top of my head. But that's not one of them. You know? It's more specific than that. And so, you know, I was pretty upset about that and figured that out on Sunday night driving home.

And I had already had like a pretty bad headache from being sunburned and all that stuff. And I was just like, "You know what, I just don't really feel like talking about this right now." And eventually I did ask him some questions. And things like, "Why did this happen?" Things like that. You know? [00:09:05]

And he just said he's having a lot of anxiety because of things related to job stuff. "You mean the fact that I mentioned the fact that you never actually looked over your own contract and saw that it said ‘research associate' instead of ‘post doc?'" So I feel weird, even like the fact that I read his contract and he doesn't. But I don't know. I just don't know.

I just wish that things would be better, I guess. So I wasn't really all that much [up for going out and doing anything like dancing.] (ph) I'm like, "Okay, so let's go to Costco and get the grocery shopping done since we've got a car." And I wasn't trying to be like, "Oh, I'm punishing you for this." But I wasn't really up for anything romantic after figuring that part out. And, you know, "I don't know when we'll have a car rented again for a while, so let's just get this stuff done." Which is fine. You know? [00:10:13]

THERAPIST: No, it actually it really sucks.

CLIENT: It really sucks. It sucks.

THERAPIST: Yeah. It totally sucks.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean [you're talking about that you can't go] (ph) this way or that way, but he let you down.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And his family, of course, let you down.

CLIENT: Yeah. That I have to assume. That's just what -

THERAPIST: But it still sucks.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's also not their anniversary, it's our anniversary, in theory. But, yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But it's just Yeah. (pause) The questions I have are different questions. They're things like, "At any point did you realize during this period of time that you thought, ‘Oh my gosh, this is the weekend of our anniversary. Maybe I shouldn't do this.'" [00:11:21]

Like seriously, like that's not a question in which I'm being a jerk about. I'm like actually we're trying to figure out like at any point does he actually have anything that says in his mind, "I shouldn't do this?" Or the fact that I was sleeping right next to you. Like to this day this blows my mind that this happens. All the time. You know? And, I don't know. (pause)

I guess for me it's not that I'm status seeking per se. I know the things that he wants in life. And I know that to be able to have that kind of like, he needs to be more ambitious about his job. You know? And more engaged. [00:12:38]

Because to have the lifestyle that goes with it, you need to have also a drive. You know? And therefore And he gets sad and ashamed, you know, about certain things. Things I think are ridiculous, like how long it took him to get a PhD, and this and that. It's like, it's not that long. Whatever.

But the point though is that I see the cure for the things that make him sad is work. You know? He doesn't want to be broke? Work. That's just sort of, to me it just seems really obvious. But (pause) I don't know. (pause) I feel so amazingly cold for feeling this way too. You know? [00:13:53]

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: For thinking, "Well, the cure for this is this." You know? It's not like a I don't know. I'm just feeling really awkward feeling that way. (pause) I tend to see the world in a lot of black and white on certain things. And I've been criticized for it. Not by John but by other people in the world. But, you know, I really do try. I even (inaudible at 00:14:47), "Okay, that's okay, that's fine." "No it's not. It's not." (pause)

THERAPIST: You feel like you're going to be the bad guy, or you're being the bad guy, or somebody is going to criticize you if you sort of focus on what is right from your point of view, [and where you are] (ph) or just how it feels to you.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And I think part of that is also because it makes you feel a lot more sort of secure and in control and you're being positive and you're being practical. And when you're just upset or angry, I think it actually kind of disturbs you a bit because it makes you feel like you're not being in control, or [00:16:15]

CLIENT: I'm noted for being tough.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Or being smart enough to figure this out. Smart enough to understand this concept or something. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I think you have a fantasy that I think that is a fantasy that intelligent people have. A fantasy [that is not true.] (ph) I think this is not true, is what I'm trying to say, that being smart or being brilliant could make this easy or could make it feel better.

CLIENT: I guess so. Yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean smart is really helpful, but probably not for feeling better about this. [00:17:17]

CLIENT: No. There are a lot of things that are less emotionally like related to me -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: that are just things that are black and white that I don't get and, therefore, I am under a critical eye about. Therefore, I'm just keeping below the radar. The world doesn't have to be this complicated. I really, really truly believe this. And [I'm making things] (ph) so much more complicated than they have to be. (pause)

But, you know (pause) I guess that it's a good thing that I'm not dictator (ph) for the world because I find this to be too hard for me. But it's so hard. I feel so much derision in everything that I do or don't do. You know? [00:18:36]

THERAPIST: Hm.

Like there's lots of reasons why I don't talk about this with anybody else in the entire world. And a good number of reasons are is because I don't need to have to answer questions like, "How in the world do you tolerate this?"

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Or, "Why is this happening?" Or I love being put on the spot where I have to explain that there's actually whole swaths of this problem that I just don't understand. Not understand but as in I don't know the answers to -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: because I have not been able to get a straight answer. Like their minds are blown that I actually don't know that much about the exact nature of his problem.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean I've got a little bit of an idea, but not like fourteen years of knowing about it.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? And (pause) the last thing I want to do is be criticized for being weak because I haven't left. Or being criticized for this or that. You know? You know, there's like, "Oh you have really poor self standards. If you just start to like yourself more you wouldn't be in this relationship." [00:19:49]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Bullshit.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That has nothing to do with it.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: It's because I care about this person. It has nothing to do with, you know, me feeling worthless. Which actually doesn't really factor into the equation.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know? It's (pause) because I'd rather, honestly, deal with this day to day than not have a life with him. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know, he's my partner and I love him very much. I don't want to not be in his life like every day, a lot. And (pause) I inwardly feel very defensive about that. [00:20:58]

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know about, you know, "Why are you still here. Why are doing this. Why are you ?" You know?

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I don't know if really want to have to have those questions. You know?

THERAPIST: So you ask yourself.

CLIENT: Well, they have been unspoken by others as to the few people that I have spoken to about this. Some of them being family members, kind of, but also like I think I've told you that in the past I had actually gone to like various different types of support networks and stuff. And along with many, many other problems, one of them was that, you know, "Why are you allowing this to happen. Why do you permit this? Why do you not love this enough to let this happen." [00:21:57]

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Well, you know, I can also stop loving about You know, start saying, "Because I don't love myself my rheumatoid arthritis will happen." Me being there and being in his life, he's still going to have the problem with the addiction. It has nothing to do with that.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It will still keep going on. But the fact that, you know, I don't leave his life is because he's my husband, I love him. I want to be around him. I will miss him every day.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So that seems kind of silly. You know? But also the whole like, you know, "Why don't you know?" Or, "Why don't you this?" Or, you know, it's just exhausting to feel criticized about the whole thing. You know? And so I just don't do those things. That's not even the half of it in terms of that. There's just so much unhealthy about going to those things. It's just I'm not capable of it. You know? [00:23:18]

And I see so many people who are in these terrible, very unhealthy relationships and I don't want to be like that. And so I guess, not just be like that, but it gives me the creepy crawlies. I just don't feel comfortable.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: It doesn't give me comfort to know I'm not alone. It just reinforces how different I feel than everybody else. (pause) It's (sigh) a lot like, okay, this is going to seem like it's a completely different situation, but it actually vaguely, I think is more than vaguely, I think like this. Okay? [00:24:15]

So every so often, especially recently, I was speaking with my aunt about this, about how (pause) (sigh) I can't even believe I'm going to admit this. How I sometimes wonder how upset I'm getting over certain things coming out about the government and their invasiveness in our lives -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: that I have to wonder whether I should just get my head checked. Because anybody who is this upset about it probably needs to go and their head checked because they are obviously unwell.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Especially because I kind of knew a lot about what was going on already. I just thought there wasn't money for it and it didn't actually progress any further.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: But not the direct things with it. But, you know, the fact that I'm actually embarrassed to have those kinds of feelings of feeling very invaded and, "Oh my God, my privacy " kind of thing. I mean, humiliated to admit that. Because that's the kind of stuff that people that lose it, and in their parents basement and have tinfoil on their head believe in. You know?

THERAPIST: I think people get (inaudible at 00:25:30).

CLIENT: Yeah. You know. Trust me, I've talked to more than one person who thinks that Rush Limbaugh has hacked their e-mail. Like, yeah, amongst many other very (inaudible).

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So you see, what I see, I see the literal faces of real honest to goodness crazy coming in with this problem. So that's what I associate with. Of course, nobody else would go to the store to try to get it fixed I guess. But, you know, it's like that's something where, you know, (pause) I am so Like I said, it's one of those things where I'm so unwilling to deal with the criticism of possibly feeling concerned about this kind of thing that -

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:26:27) We need to stop.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But we'll talk about it next week.

CLIENT: That sounds good. If for some reason you have any cancelations this week, I would really like to take it.

THERAPIST: Alright. Nothing that I can think of in my head, but If I get one I'll let you know.

CLIENT: If you do. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I think there's a lot going on.

CLIENT: Yeah.

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