TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: I’m probably going to have to work right after that week but I don’t know what day is -
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: like that yet, so I’ll know more about that too because I can’t really afford to take that much time off. Speaking of time off, I’ve had a lot of time off until this mental (ph) a couple of days ago. Well it’s one of those things where how much I already have a pretty non-heavy work life in terms of physical number of hours. I didn’t realize how much I really, really, really don’t want to work right now. I feel terrible I mean I guess nobody really wants to work per se but how much things were better, how much my sleep was better and all this kind of stuff.
THERAPIST: Yes. So what happened to let me get this right.
CLIENT: I took off on around our anniversary because I had to take the time off super advance in hopes that maybe we’d be able to squeeze in a real vacation. And so the thing is if I don’t ask for it especially in the summertime, six months in advance, whatever -
THERAPIST: You don’t get it.
CLIENT: I don’t get it so it’s better for me just to get it and not need it than [00:01:19]
THERAPIST: Need it.
CLIENT: So that’s why I had the whole summer off. I realize that there’s a whole lot of other stuff going on because Bethany got married and all this other stuff. And I realize that I just do better, which I mean I guess it sounds weird to say that but my pain, my [inaudible at 00:01:39] and a lot of other things. Everybody remarked that I seemed a lot better just in general. [inaudible at 00:01:48] is blah, blah, blah. And you would think if I’m getting four days off a week anyways but taking a week off people thought I looked that much different and not much different. I guess really it is a definite change. So, although I knowing me, of course, I had things I kept busy with so, including getting out of the house, but [00:02:17]
THERAPIST: I imagine you are sort of working harder and pushing yourself harder than you probably often do.
CLIENT: Yes, but when I see it compared to everybody else it doesn’t’ seem like it’s enough, you know what I mean?
THERAPIST: Yes. You mean everybody else who doesn’t have bad arthritis and chronic pain and stuff?
CLIENT: Yes. So it, yes, pretty much. But it definitely helps a lot. One thing that it doesn’t do, though is at least for the moment, I had sort of an appointment which I did something which I’m really not especially proud of at this point. I just certain things related to my husband’s addiction just sort of just really pushing buttons with me and I’m just really upset. And I sort of I said something kind of really mean to him that I felt really bad about so. Not just mean, said something mean, but actually did something that I’m diametrically opposed to and I’m sure why in the world I did it other than just being frustrated.
THERAPIST: Was it that bad? [00:03:45]
CLIENT: Yes. So at some point just I was struggling with him, trying to get him to work, trying to get him to do this; he says oh yes, well the cell’s down and it was just felt like one excuse after another as to why he wasn’t working whatever. And I just felt like along with everything else and having trouble being sober and this and that and me finding out the nature of what he’s doing and this and that. I just [00:04:09]
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:04:09] nature of acting out or the ?
CLIENT: He had the nature, a little bit of the nature of acting out thing and I said something along the lines of why do you think that I’m not turning you into the police again? Is there a really good valid reason why I shouldn’t be doing this because this is starting to really bother me. It’s bothered me for a long time but I would not normally say it that way or even really necessarily intend to do it that way. And it wasn’t like a threat like you’d better I don’t even know what it was. It wasn’t only a you-stop-now kind of thing or anything like that. It was why is it [inaudible]?
THERAPIST: It’s a feeling how to me you describe is of you being exasperated. Just kind of overwhelmed, had it up to here, not sure what to do or say and also kind of angry. [00:05:04]
CLIENT: Definitely squibbed (ph) out because a lot of it is people who are very, very young, so.
THERAPIST: How young?
CLIENT: Well the way the thing happened the night of our anniversary he was getting subscription posts to something. But in theory it’s not technically pornography but there are girls that are underage in their underwear, things like that, that I’m sure that that’s at least what I could it’s very hard for me to tell because it’s behind a wall of things but when I picked up his phone to make sure we were on the right course, that’s what -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: so, I mean, 15 I guess, 16 probably. I mean I don’t know. If the perception is reality then I don’t know if they really are older and pretend to be younger or what. It’s definitely something where they’re doing their best to screen people, to make sure that whatever it is. I don’t know.
THERAPIST: I’m confused. To screen ?
CLIENT: To make sure that people if I saw something and if I remember the name of the thing and I Googled it, it just gives me a wall of name password please. That’s it.
THERAPIST: Okay, got it.
CLIENT: But from what I understand from just briefly looking down to see his messages that were popping up on the thing, that’s what I get. But it could just be also that that’s the name of the thing but it’s not really it really is something more than that, it could be it’s very hard to tell. And so, I don’t know. Like I said it’s just, it’s very upsetting, it’s very I feel like on some level that I do want to somehow protect myself from this kind of stuff because I’m afraid of something like that happening to him and driving me down with it because I have valid reasons to believe this. [00:07:00]
THERAPIST: Do you mean him getting arrested -
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: and you getting implicated?
CLIENT: Implicated or at least deeply humiliated or grilled or having to have a conversation with another person about this at all. It’s very distressing.
THERAPIST: But more or less how you lost your job in defense (ph), right?
CLIENT: Yes. I don’t really at this point really totally know what exactly went down. It could have been, be for underage, it could have just been misuse of resources. I know what [inaudible at 00:07:38]. I didn’t want to I was so, at the time I was so upset and so humiliated and it was so new in my world I didn’t ask any questions because I just wanted to -
THERAPIST: Yes, in that case I know it wasn’t necessarily underage.
CLIENT: I don’t know, it could’ve been.
THERAPIST: Right, it was just that it was on a computer where that could be monitored or something.
CLIENT: Yes. So and so it was, I don’t know. It’s it is, yes, it’s worrisome. It’s very worrisome. I but yes, I mentioned it to him. We had a very, very long conversation, almost all of us, about how basically just I mean I am emotionally feeling very, I don’t know what to say. It’s not even the word numb isn’t quite the word. It’s exasperated maybe, I don’t know. It’s just so distressing. And especially because of the fact that he has such little support from the people around him. He had mentioned to his father a couple weekends because we had talked about this in the past. He brought it up this time, that which is strange because you know it doesn’t that maybe something chemical might be very helpful, like in terms of chemical caustration (ph) see if that could help with this or that. His dad a little bit tried to talk him out of it. He said [inaudible at 00:09:53]. This is, this is, no I don’t think that’s what it is. I think this is [inaudible] through the light bulb that’s going to help. [00:10:02]
And I can understand that; I can totally understand that. I don’t want to have harm come to him and this and that but there are also people saying oh don’t worry you won’t get in trouble, oh don’t worry about this, this isn’t really realistic because they supposedly know all about this kind of stuff because his dad works in something vaguely minorly related to the field and doesn’t know anything. He works for Samsung so of course he knows everything. Really. I think it’s hilarious because he literally makes Droids and Kiods (ph) and iPhones and iPads and all this stuff. Yes. And other various he just doesn’t know; he really doesn’t. He’s just one of those people he’s decided in his head, he really does really think he knows everything when it comes to this guy.
This technology stuff, I don’t know anything. And if there’s something I know he doesn’t it’s not important. To me I don’t care that much about him to even give him the time of day for that kind of stuff but he doesn’t really think that this stuff is he thinks that Mike’s just going to man up and stop doing it. Which is kind of in my heart a little bit that way too but at the same time I do realize that there’s a lot of crap that started this and somebody ought to take responsibility for it. Somebody, anybody. So it’s kind of bulls***t. They didn’t want him going off to get we needed their help to help pay for it, to get inpatient services, to be able to go off to one of those places out in the Southwest that treats this kind of stuff. That kind of thing because [00:12:04]
THERAPIST: He did that?
CLIENT: No he didn’t. He is back in Cincinnati and the person he was seeing pretty much said that he has all the other tools; the only way that there’s really going to be any progress is if he went to one of those places that have those various different inpatient things. He felt like they had been doing this for a decade and not gotten anywhere with any of this so they had to find some way to break down the wall because for an hour, he can forget anything. He can talk about something else or forget I can’t even get him to remember what he went to the dermatologist for by the time he gets in the office. Not that I have these problems too sometimes but you know what I do? If I have to I will literally write it on my arm so I don’t forget. I have done that.
But the they felt like that was not really necessary. They don’t really want to think it’s really that bad. But at the same time they’re not the ones dealing with it. And on top of it his Dad is somewhat unbelieving of things that he doesn’t know about. The non-searchable Internet and how this works. He doesn’t know nothing about Dark Net. He doesn’t even believe it was there. He said that was a theory that I was making shit up. I said really? Really? Do you actually think there’s a website that’s Al-Qaeda dot com? Do you think these people transmit this I mean there’s lots of things like that out there. I knew about it back then; I knew about it with other stuff. I thought that I really wanted to but you hear about these things and there isn’t a lore even for things you don’t are worried about, they say [inaudible at 00:14:04] oh it’s underground. The people that like bitcoin stuff. It’s something different, it’s alternative. I don’t have an interest in it but that is where the majority of this stuff goes. [00:14:17]
And so the problem is that when he was doing, when Mike was doing monitoring software he was very good and actually had it being sent to, the report sent to Mike’s dad not me because and this took a long time for me to do this because I just couldn’t handle it. This is not what I’m not a gatekeeper but he needed somebody that he was responsible to. But a lot of it seemed very and the thing is he’s such a smart kid. He knew what to do to make a [inaudible]. He wasn’t completely off, he made legitimate data, legitimate data that looks like he’s just a normal guy, that kind of stuff, and then all the stuff that he doesn’t want his dad to know about, and places them on the Internet, very easy to do. There’s proxies, there’s all kinds of stuff. [00:15:03]
So it’s frustrating because it’s the only person who’s right now even remotely talking to him in his family. And it’s sort of, it’s just incompetent for me to help. But at the same time I still want him to keep talking to his dad because that’s the only way he’s ever going to get better talking to his father and have his father not seem like a complete and total stranger is by picking up and talking to him on the phone every few weeks. But the relationship isn’t reciprocated right. Mike will have to do the whole thing of I have to call you kind of thing. His did will do it from time to time but not really. And so it’s but I don’t want it’s one of those things where the only thing he’s got right now. I’m not going to encourage to not have that relationship even though it’s not especially it’s not especially dangerous but it’s not especially productive either. They just I mean this is the conditioning to teach him to at least say is he okay, he’s doing this, he’s doing that. [00:16:28]
THERAPIST: Well the other thing is [inaudible] the only other source of backup that you could have?
CLIENT: Yes, maybe.
THERAPIST: Maybe. And you’re the help?
CLIENT: I know he doesn’t have it either. If I needed it he wouldn’t be there. I know that he thinks he is. He really is completely I don’t believe he’s lying. He thinks he’s doing what’s right. But it seems I’m two days ago Mike had to call his Dad to find out the phone number for his brother who’s on the run from the law. So on some level I don’t necessarily know if that has made him so he’s thinking well at least he’s not on crack or something like that, or if he’s just in disbelief for everything. I don’t know. [00:17:22]
I believe that they’ve brainwashed themselves quite a bit. Pardon me for just a second. I’m getting all of these and I have to make sure this is okay. I have no idea what that means. It doesn’t look like it’s urgent though. Okay. I get four of them in a row and I’m wondering did the house burn down? I don’t know. But the it’s not they’re all brainwashing somebody. His dad honestly believes also that his it’s really screwed up. He won’t ever give Mike true advice about anything, like this is what you should do on this or that. And, I don’t know. It’s kind of weird. He’s a big child, though. I mean as much as I don’t want to give into his mom’s propaganda about his father being Peter Pan and all that shit, I think it’s awfully odd to be in your mid-60’s and start doing refinancing on the house for things. That seems extremely foolish to be taking out extra money out on your house so that you can add extra things on. I mean maybe you do this but that seems kind of [ripping national aging] (ph) retirement. Maybe you’re not retiring but yes, that kind of stuff. He’s very foolish about things. [00:19:24]
His, Mike’s littlest brother pretty much can do whatever he wants and has an open wallet in terms of being foolish too. They truly believe that hookah that his brother has is for, what’s it called, tobacco. Really. They really, really he goes in the backyard. They want to 100 percent believe it. Yes. And on top of it they don’t think it’s necessarily that bad, which I don’t think it’s really? Really? Because Mike and I can tell you about [inaudible at 00:19:59] columns and things like that and not a good idea even if it were. But they just will sit back and I don’t, and this is actually part of why I’m bitter, they will believe the most outrageous bulls***t but they won’t believe anything I have to say. [00:20:19]
They won’t believe that Brad is, that he’s currently going through Methadone treatments so that he can be off of, so he will be clean so that when he goes to jail he won’t get the DTs because they won’t treat him in jail. By the way, just so you know, there actually are court things saying that if somebody is having DTs it is cruel and unusual punishment and in Kentucky, I don’t know [inaudible at 00:20:44] state, but in Kentucky it is considered to be cruel and unusual punishment not to treat DT symptoms in jail. They believe that he is going to die in jail from detoxing and that’s why he’s going down on Methadone right now. Bulls***t. Complete total bulls***t. [00:21:00]
They believe that Nick, the other young son, is, that this whole thing is all about the cleaning and using and it’s all about the method of using this hookah bong, I don’t know whatever the hell the thing is, and it’s, that it’s more about the active owning and the time you’re taking to yourself and this and that and that he’s using tobacco. I don’t believe there’s any ritualistic sitting up and cleaning that are happening by Nick. But if they truly believe it, I guess more power to them. But yet they can believe all of these things, they can believe anything they want to hear. But if I said something wrong, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m not biologically part of the family, but we also, when we give information, we have to take whatever is the truth and inflate it by 10 percent to 20 percent to get them to react properly to it because they will discount anything. [00:22:11]
We have to actively remind them that if Mike’s sounding cheerful on the phone he’s still depressed. He’s putting on a good face because he doesn’t want to ruin the conversation on Father’s Day because you don’t tell you dad on Father’s Day how depressed you are. Yes, it’s just, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand it and it’s revolting that he has to deal with all these people. And it’s the big things, for some reason, I can totally take. I hate the big things but I can take them. I’m kind of used to them, the whole concept of that I don’t count in all these various different things. But they’re it’s the little things that just drive me crazy.
My parents they got me a new phone because I needed a new phone. I had been carrying around the same phone, the Apple KB (ph) five years ago, blah, blah, blah. They got me a new iPhone. This was a few months ago actually, a couple months ago. My parents wouldn’t dream of getting me an iPhone without getting one for Mike too or at least giving him the option of getting that or something else at the store. They wouldn’t force him to get one but they got one for him. He didn’t want one; he didn’t need one, that kind of thing. We got one anyways because they wouldn’t think of buying me a present without doing that. His family sometimes buys him presents without that and that’s fine. But I get the distinct feeling that the reason why they don’t do anything for him is because they don’t want to do anything for me. [00:23:56]
And I don’t think I’m being irrational about it. I really, really don’t think I’m being irrational because otherwise, why is it that he is completely different? You can think oh well he’s withdrawn himself; he’s different. But he’s got a brother that’s on the run from the law that nobody knows where he lives. And there’s a secure drop location where you can leave messages for him, like [inaudible at 00:24:25] spies from the 50’s like they drop leave messages. They can’t tell us that we’re just so far away that we don’t that Sammie still has a connection with us, when you have to leave a message in somebody’s book to have somebody else bury it to him. Come on. I can’t it has to be me. [00:24:44]
THERAPIST: Or Mike.
CLIENT: Or Mike. But the thing, they weren’t like that. They were bad to him but they weren’t, they didn’t have that, it wasn’t that severe. But at least his dad is somewhat coming around now that because he’s, his dad needs something to talk about and it has to be something that he can understand and in his world understands. And so where he is nobody’s heard of [inaudible at 00:25:20], it’s not a big deal. He’s [inaudible] in the tech industry; nobody’s freaking heard of them. We were the showstopper of the Microsoft, the robotics people that they had on, I don’t know if you saw the keynote or not, those are my peeps at COU (ph) for AI stuff, okay? They were a part of the Yale keynote. That’s it. That’s not no one’s ever heard of it but Yale’s okay. Yale is a big you would’ve thought he went from a state school and changed over. [00:25:43]
But it’s and that’s part of the thing is I think if he’s such down and gets out of that that they’re not going to spend as as little timing and consideration that they give to him now -
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:26:01] he’ll get less.
CLIENT: Yes, much less. We need to do something to make them want to have a relationship with him. Right now he can tell the other people in the gym and the other people he works with that his son’s at Yale, I guess, I don’t know. [00:26:21]
THERAPIST: I wonder if, I mean, those questions you have, furious with them but I wonder if you’re also, I think also probably pretty damned pissed at Mike however fairly or unfairly. But that is much harder for you to be angry with him.
CLIENT: I am. I know that I am. It is harder for me to be angry for him, with him because -
THERAPIST: I mean I don’t want you think of it of what’s bound him is addiction and disease, which is true.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: You must be really pissed I mean this is really f***king up your lives in pretty major ways in terms of [00:27:23]
CLIENT: How can you be angry with someone who seems so darned contrite every single time?
THERAPIST: You tell me. I mean -
CLIENT: I mean it’s very hard.
THERAPIST: But I think you are.
CLIENT: I am.
THERAPIST: I mean it’s one thing to sort of express the anger at him and then all the sudden he looks like he’s going to crumble and feels terrible about himself. It’s another thing to sort of [inaudible at 00:27:47] to be pissed for what he’s doing to your life.
CLIENT: Yes. I completely am. It’s easier for me to be angry with the symptoms than the actual overall core problem because the symptoms are to me more day to day things. He’s more withdrawn, he has a lot more social anxiety, it’s screwed him up from being ambitious, I have to worry about him crossing the street occasionally. That kind of stuff. It’s easier those things are more, more worried about the effects, than the actual disease, which I’m really upset about. I mean honestly, I already have a lot of emotional hang-ups already. And it’s not, it’s not exactly like knowing that my husband likes women that are very, very young is not exactly making it that much easier. It doesn’t. [00:28:48]
I already have a naturally desire to stay young forever. I would like to be no older than X forever and it doesn’t do a whole lot to reinforce that.
THERAPIST: Well he’s just looking at other women and girls, period.
CLIENT: Yes. Well, I don’t know maybe I’m just -
THERAPIST: Doesn’t it bother you the same way?
CLIENT: Maybe I’m just intellectualizing. I mean, I am. It does bother me. It does bother me a lot. The biggest thing that gives me terror is that every day the gap gets bigger. His preference [inaudible at 00:29:37] and my gap gets bigger and bigger and bigger and it’s terrifying; it’s really terrifying. And I have yelled at him about the fact that I gave him the best years of my life. I don’t mean to but I do. The years when basically when everybody I had the most to offer and everybody wanted to either be me or be with me, I gave to him and silently took all of this. And I feel like I’m treated really poorly. And that is something that I’ve, I mean I told him and I definitely do feel it. I felt like my best years were over for a long time. Of course I felt that when I turned over 19. So, yes. We have a niece the same age of those girls. We’ve been married longer than some of those girls have been alive. That’s really f***ked up. That’s really f***ked up. [00:31:03]
Whereas I have a casual acquaintance who she’s an adjunct at Harvard. And we had made the joke that she was going to come up near me to watch the people at Crew because to her it’s [inaudible at 00:31:24]. She’ll come to Yale to watch the men get shirtless and do Crew because at Harvard. in the back of her mind is I could be teaching one of those kids. Even though they’re the same 22-year-old good-looking men, but she says I’m going to walk down the world drive and come out and visit you so we can go watch the boys do this because quite frankly it creeps me out to do it on campus. The same campus and she says no you don’t understand. There’s a distinct divide and that makes it okay. I said oh, yes, I guess so. And it looked like to me that it’s a little bit weird to split hairs like that, I can understand. You have to go off your own campus even though it’s not that far away. [00:32:12]
But I think that on some level that, I don’t know, that I’m not saying that I don’t know what to say. I have friends of mine who have told me how much they are distressed by the ramifications of pornography and how it has affected their sexual relationships. And I feel like I can never have these conversations because what they’re talking about is that they’ve been dumped because they don’t get waxed. And I have to talk about the fact that I have to worry about being turned over for someone who’s 16. I don’t think he’d ever act on it. I know he wouldn’t because it’s all about what’s in his head but the fact that I would never compare. These are two yes, the other things are really terrible and I do talk to them and give them consolation but I feel like it’s a totally different order of magnitude here. [00:33:15]
And it makes it very, very hard to have these kinds of conversations because it’s kind of like talking to somebody who is talking about their depression and you’ve got a brain tumor. I can’t talk about my experience because the kind of things they’re feeling pressure to do or to be or to take part in that they don’t really like but that’s what is considered to be normal now is completely a totally different league of that because I can’t be. I have no time machine. And -
THERAPIST: I think a lot of this under your thing highlights how very much on your own you are with this and you don’t really have Mike with you, you don’t have his family, and you can’t really talk to your friends about it either. [00:34:11]
CLIENT: No. I mean I can talk to them at least about my own most of the time, though, because of the fact that this is kind of who I am, I make fun of the fact that I have an abnormal obsession with being young. Not actually though, I’m starting to realize it’s actually not all that abnormal now that I’m spending more time talking to women my age. I just think that it wasn’t like that 10 years ago, though. I started doing retinal treatments and things like that 21, 22 years old and justify it because I have fair skin. But really what I wanted to do was make sure that I never got wrinkles. I mean people even make jokes about the fact that my dog doesn’t act like she’s 12 years old; she acts like a puppy. The whole family is obsessed with youthfulness. [00:35:01]
But I, there’s only so far I can go. And obviously, I’ve spent you know also what’s really frustrating? I have been working my ass off to lose weight and I’ve lost nothing. Nothing at all. There’s only so many day you can do this where you do as much as you can and you do, and nothing, the results from it. And I know there’s something medically going on and I know I’m going to have to do something possibly underhanded to get the right kind of medical attention I want. But do something like saying oh, because there’s a bariatric treatment, oh you’ve got to have this letter from your doctor; oh I have that letter from my doctor. Oh my gosh I forgot it with me, and get myself into treatment and keep forgetting it until because my doctor’s never going to do that. Do something underhanded to get into the treatment so I can get there. [00:36:25]
Of course I kind of feel, I more than kind of feel, I feel really bad that I actually got these flaws. Like of the I-can-forget-this-forever. I don’t like that, I’m not like that.
THERAPIST: Would you be doing it sort of for Mike, for you? I mean I’m unclear whether it goes along -
CLIENT: Me.
THERAPIST: with the age thing or whether [inaudible at 00:36:51] -
CLIENT: Partially the age thing but everything.
THERAPIST: you feel like yourself or ?
CLIENT: Everything. I hate, hate the way I feel, the way I look. I hate the fact that every time I walk by a mirror I actually get startled because I don’t recognize myself. Most people when they say they’re exaggerating, I’m not kidding. I hate the fact that I have days and days and days of everything written of what I’ve eaten and what is measured and how many grams it is and this and that and how much I’ve walked and I mean where this thing’s promised a year now, and nothing.
THERAPIST: Is that because of medications and things that determine metabolism [00:37:38]
CLIENT: Probably.
THERAPIST: it just [inaudible at 00:37:45]?
CLIENT: It’s likely work. I mean I had thyroid problems to begin with and all that other stuff, yes. Pretty much. Yes, I’ve actually I mean I lost quite a bit of weight just before I moved here and I gained it all back and then some. Haven’t really changed too much in the [inaudible at 00:38:01] kind of thing. I’m not going out to each much; I’m not doing all that stuff. I know exactly what I’m eating. It’s pissing me off because I’m monitoring it. I’m not just going through the perception and so at this point the only choice that I feel that I have is to find somebody who’s going to figure out what’s going on and fix it.
I’ve already sort of tricked I feel I don’t want to explain to you how much guilt I have when I trick the system into doing something for me. The other day when I had to get my thyroid medicine fixed and I’m fighting in general classic doctors who do not treat this, do not like to up your thyroid medicine without what would be considered to be the ratio when they change it with you blood levels varies so much from doctor to doctor; they’re not really reactive on this stuff. So, in general and so when the nurse asked me to write down the number of milligrams I need to have for my refill, I wrote down the next higher dose. [00:39:15]
THERAPIST: Well you were still pretty desperate.
CLIENT: Yes. I mean I wasn’t doubling it or anything. I know better than that.
THERAPIST: Yes, and pretty helpless.
CLIENT: Yes. I mean I had a blood test. They mailed them to me. It said there’s still problems. It doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing. It’s just frustrating. So, I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know what to do to prove to the people so I just figure that I’m going to get myself over to this thing and maybe they’ll be able to tell me what’s going on. I mean they already know I have lots of digestive problems. I mean I walked around with appendicitis for months. I no longer can absorb vitamin B-12 in my body at all unless I get injections because my immune system tells the part of my stomach that allows you to absorb that so I can take all the pills in the world and it doesn’t work. I’m sure there’s all kinds of stuff that may very well be lurking around like that but I just don’t know. Maybe I can’t [inaudible at 00:40:19] take something because my immune system would kill that organ too.
But I’m not going to find it out unless I do something kind of underhanded and I hate myself for it and I would feel guilty about it. And even when I get the results that I want I’m still going to feel bad about it. But I have to do this because I feel like I do I like to be very honest as a human being and I just feel like that doesn’t work otherwise and I hate that. But I guess that’s just sort of where I am at this point. I do really think and hope it’s going to get better, still. I do. [00:41:30]
I just wish I knew what paths I needed to do to get that way. I mean I know sometimes it ‘s just a matter of waiting and that kind of thing but I can only sit around and wait for so long. I think I’m a really [inaudible at 00:41:50] person actually.
THERAPIST: We should stop.
CLIENT: Okay. I will see you next week?
THERAPIST: Next week, yes. [00:42:17]
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