TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hello (ph).

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:00:13)

THERAPIST: Well, sorry again about last week.

CLIENT: Oh, it happens. Don't worry.

THERAPIST: And I'm away part of next week, but just Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, so it doesn't affect us.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: You've been more than understanding about my health issues, so I am... I have no... I am more than willing to reciprocate on any level (laughing). So...

THERAPIST: Thank you.

CLIENT: It's been sort of a... I don't know what's going on right now. I have both an energy and physical and emotional rollercoaster I've sort of been on, so, just when I think I'm completely and totally exhausted, I'm like, okay, I can do this. It's like... when I get like this, I hate this because I'm a very easily reinforced human being. [0:01:01] And so what's going to happen... in the back of my head I'm going to think to myself, well, you know that last time that you just sort of pushed through even though you couldn't do it, and you found the energy to do it, and it wasn't that bad? Yeah. (Pause) But... so that's sort of a problem. But I'll make it, I guess. Just did something totally and completely impulsive that I don't normally do. But I have a feeling that if I get myself in trouble I can totally get myself out of it. Like I said, I don't do impulsive spending at all. However, do you know what the Nobel Prize is?

THERAPIST: Yeah, I do. I think I listened to those on NPR or something a while ago. [0:01:57]

CLIENT: So there's a small kind of like... I wouldn't really call it a journal. It's all kinds of things that either cannot or should not ever be repeated. And it's run out under Harvard, and it's basically... you would think it was spoofed, but it's almost always real fake research.

THERAPIST: She looks like she was reaching for the water or something?

CLIENT: Yeah, are you reaching for the water, or are you just sniffing? There's nothing in there. You want to make sure you're okay? No, I think she's just being weird.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Nothing on you? Okay.

THERAPIST: [She went weird] (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah. That'll make her better though for the walk... ride home. Anyway, so the...

THERAPIST: If you need some more water for her or something, I have a whole bunch of water.

CLIENT: Okay. I'll let you know. If she seems like she's really dehydrated I will. But she had a ton of water on the way, so I'm guessing...

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Well, when someone's five pounds it's really hard to really gauge (chuckling)...

THERAPIST: Yeah (chuckling). [0:02:59]

CLIENT: Anyway, so the thing they do is supposed to be a... it's supposed to be this journal of things that should never be repeated. It's actually... the people who are the peer review people are people who won real Nobel Prizes.

THERAPIST: Oh, wow.

CLIENT: So it's sort of a running joke. I mean, it is extremely prestigious but yet extremely hanky (sp?). All of the data is complete... it's basically where, if you have something, an experiment that goes horribly wrong, that the data doesn't actually... there's something not right, like imagine table top (ph) fusion or you accidentally found Fermat's Theorem answer, but you found it by using... by doing something completely irrational. And for some reason it looks like it's real, but it's not. You publish it.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Well, every year they have something called the Nobel ceremony, where they have as many Nobel Award (inaudible at 0:03:46) they can. And they award the world's worst research.

THERAPIST: I see. So they give... so that's separate from what they publish in the journal.

CLIENT: Yeah, separate. This is the best things of the year. [0:04:00] And sometimes they actually don't have the real people who get it, who... for example, the one year that they had this minister calculated how many souls were going to hell if they don't repent now. He won the mathematics award, and, since he wasn't around to take it, they actually... for some reason, I guess, this person who... this ambassador from Norway just happened to be in the area, and they invited him.

THERAPIST: (Laughing)

CLIENT: And so he accepted on their behalf, how excited they were about all the recent tourism coming to Norway, that kind of sort of... but it's actually totally prestigious. I've been wanting to go for years and years and years. And usually by the time I realize it's coming up, it's sold out. And it's extremely expensive, too, because almost all of it is... the money... well, it's (inaudible at 0:04:46) which is in general expensive to do. But they usually have things that they actually do fund with the money from it. [0:04:54] And so some friends of ours were talking about coming up for it this year. We always talk about it every year, but this is the year that we all realized that the tickets were actually on sale. Last balcony seats, just over there. So I went, and, before I could even get confirmation that they were going to come, I just bought four tickets. It's unlike me. But I figured that if I can't do it I can scalp them because they're really hard to do, but it's so embarrassing because you have to understand that 15-year-old me had no problem spending $170 on anything. Now I am terrified to spend that much money. And it's weird because that's... there's 20-some-odd-plus years of inflation, and I don't know. So we'll see. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that if things got really bad and they couldn't come up or I couldn't afford to do it then...

THERAPIST: [Or actually] (ph) you could scalp them.

CLIENT: Yeah, so I got four... the last four balcony seats they had, which aren't expensive tickets, but they're the ones that are more... because they... they're the ones that are more supposedly fun because it's more bad... its more almost bad behaviors MST3K kind of dork sitting up there, yeah. [0:06:10]

THERAPIST: MST... is that Mystery Science Theater 3000?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [You don't hear] (ph) that every day.

CLIENT: Yeah. So this is... that's... it's not the prestigious seats, but it's actually dork prestigious seats.

THERAPIST: (Chuckling) Yeah.

CLIENT: So that's... yeah. So I did that. And I am of course beating myself up over it, but I know I can reclaim it. It's not that big of a deal. But at the same time it's so awkward for me to do anything like that. Like, oh. And the thing is, is that it's not awkward in my usual nature but because of (inaudible at 0:06:44). It was hard... it was very weird to do. But the funny thing is... and I'm sort of flattered. [0:06:58] The people at the box office are like, yeah, I know you. You're needing two student tickets. I'm like, I'm just not even going to lie. I'm just not going to argue. I guess I could technically consider myself ABD, just ABD on hiatus. But she's like, yeah, I know you're a student. Don't worry. I'm like, really? Okay, I'm just going to lie by omission...

THERAPIST: Right, (crosstalk).

CLIENT: And just let... spend a little bit less per ticket. But I don't feel guilty about that part because... but I was flattered because I don't know if I just look like somebody else or if I just look like I belong as a professional graduate student or what. But it was nice, nice to be the, oh, you belong... have them say, I know exactly who you are, don't bother.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And I could see that in Cincinnati, but Providence's a big town. I doubt this person actually knew who I was, but that I looked young enough to be considered a grad student made me feel good. [0:07:55] So...

THERAPIST: Nice. Sounds great.

CLIENT: Yeah, so that's been pretty much this afternoon. But it's been... it's actually probably for the best that you were out sick yesterday... not yesterday, I mean last week, because I came in after child hell. We conduct camp at the store.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Yeah. Kid camp.

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk) last year, yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's not... I mean, I actually... I don't... I'm really great with children, and I'm exceptionally great with computers. I am very... I have a lot of difficulty working with kids and computers. Lots of people say I'm good at it. I've seen people who are good at it. I just seem to look like I'm not... I can fake not being uncomfortable around it. But the way the kids grasp certain things is really different than the way adults do. And so pretty much... it's one of those things where... (Pause) [0:08:59] It... I don't have self-doubts about becoming a parent. But for the 30 minutes afterwards I kind of do. You know? And so it's kind of a weird situation like that. It's...

THERAPIST: How do you doubt yourself? (Pause)

CLIENT: People are really good at having these really wonderful sagacious answers to questions or being able to divert situations. And almost always the way I do it is by (pause) saying something along the lines of, I do realize this is what you want. But we can't do that right now. We have to do this. Or my personal favorite is, if you can just be quiet and listen to what John's saying up there, he's saying exactly the question you're asking. That kind of stuff. I lot of other people are really... they seem to have much snappier, interesting answers, more... not the word entertaining, but more engaging? [0:10:08] I don't remember what it was, but one of my... the kids were saying something about how... that this wasn't play, this was work, and blah blah blah. And Carrie (sp?) who of course has kids, she says, no, no, no, you're playing. I'm working.

THERAPIST: (Laughing)

CLIENT: (Chuckling) And just various different things like that. And the kid took it totally okay, while with me, I had to spend time coaxing them into believing that this is fun.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Or... and I don't know. Like I said, I don't have... only for a very... of course 20 children at that age all together I think makes a lot of people go doubt their ability to deal with kids (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: But yeah, that was an experience. [0:10:58] So it was actually kind of good to be able to drag myself home and go straight to bed after that because that was hard.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Must take a lot of energy.

CLIENT: I feel... now, that's one thing I do feel bad about, because I do feel bad that other people don't seem to be nearly as phased by it as I do?

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: The energy involved, but also they're either one, parents and they're kind of used to at some point doing a play date with a bunch of kids?

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk) I'm sure it will be the same for you...

CLIENT: Or they're 22.

THERAPIST: It's a totally different ballgame once you're a parent, I think, with that kind of thing. I mean, you spend thousands of hours dealing with kids...

CLIENT: Yeah, you just get used to it.

THERAPIST: And your kid's friends and the other kids in your kid's class. It's just a different everything.

CLIENT: Yeah. To me it was just so weird, because on some level I could definitely see... and I don't... and it was very hard for me to... at first, because some of the things that seemed really difficult, I started seeing patterns. [0:11:52] The kids that were all siblings seemed to have... if they had a really low frustration level, it was all on the same stuff. I can't find the letter H. What the hell? You have to stop the entire thing because you're trying to type, and you... and stop everybody because you can't find the letter H?

THERAPIST: (Chuckling)

CLIENT: Really? That was... it seemed like the kids that got really, I am bored, it was like they were all siblings. So it's... I don't know if it's like a nurture-nature thing in terms of that. But it made it feel... made me feel at least a little bit better because it seemed like they were all together in terms of having...? It wasn't like in general all the kids found it boring or all that. It seemed like it was more of a... so... and I don't know. (inaudible at 0:12:43) it was... I'm sure this is... I will evolve into this and it will become a lot easier, just (laughing)... just once a year. Like I said, though, if we're sitting on the ground doing art projects or doing something outside or something like that, perfectly okay. [0:12:58] It's just... to me it's really hard to properly get them at the right level for computer stuff because they seem to grasp stuff a lot faster. But at the same time they really don't. It's... they show the kind of behavior that makes you think that they understand it, but they don't really truly understand it? They just are not afraid to experiment?

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So it's more like... random behavior looks like intelligence...

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Not really intelligence, but you know what I'm trying to say.

THERAPIST: Yeah, comprehension or something.

CLIENT: Yeah, so the... (Pause) So that was kind of... like I said, kind of an interesting, bizarre experience. And, like I said, every year it happens. We also have kids come for school field trips, which is usually... it varies a lot, that, but that's different, one, because the parents usually aren't there, and because, when the parents are nearby, it seems to really change behavior a lot. [0:13:58] So... in terms of that. But, like I said, it worked out for the best in general. So that was kind of good. But yeah. I don't know. Like I said, I've been feeling really... and part of it is I know now again that it was due to medication deficiency sort of. But I've been really feeling out of myself in terms of not feeling normal a lot?

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Yeah. Fuzzy-headed, feeling like the world is very cloudy, that kind of stuff again. I had an extremely...

THERAPIST: Not exactly emotionally but... (Pause) I don't know how you'd say it, like psychologically not right. I mean in the sense of being like, the world is cloudy, your head is fuzzy, (crosstalk)... [0:15:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, I don't feel sad and... I mean, a little bit, but most of the sad... it's not like emotional swings entirely? It's more like noise in the system and can't figure out what I need to pay attention to, kind of stuff.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Like, I had to write a self-evaluation. And usually... not usually, but, if I'm in a room with a bunch of other people and there's some banter going on, this and that, usually it's not the end of the world. I can ride it, sort of. I'll struggle but I can do it. I am unable to focus on writing a single sentence.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: That kind of stuff. I mean, part of it was the nature of what it was. It wasn't like I was writing down a procedure, but I actually had to talk about my own achievements, which is a little bit different.

THERAPIST: Yeah, sure.

CLIENT: So... and we have sort of a running joke that, of course I broke the system because (inaudible at 0:15:54) because there was so much bullshit. But it just takes a lot of time. [0:16:01] It's a lot of time, even for two paragraphs, writing about this kind of stuff because (pause) I... (Pause) I wanted to make sure that I really capture what I want to say correctly. But at the same time I don't want it to... the problem I have is I second guess this. I have been told by many people that, in their words, I use too big words. It looks like I ran through it with thesaurus and then switched out for the most impressive words. That's just not who I am. I'm actually... I just... and the funny thing is, is that, honestly, I don't use... I use a lot of big words, but they... I really do have... there's a distinct set of 200 bizarre words that nobody else but they're totally (inaudible at 0:16:50) from normal vocabulary that I would use that other people wouldn't. [0:16:58] And it's not like I'm looking them up. They're just the words that I use for all kinds of stuff. And so I kind of had to second guess and switch things out occasionally when things seemed a little bit too much like that, which is kind of hard for me, because it's... it goes back to my general problem of... ever since I was once told, and it's been told more than that by my in-laws, just be yourself. But what I am... but I am being myself?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then I get these little bits of feedback that I have to second-guess who I am because I would rather just naturally be who I am. I really do. But the problem is, is that, when I'm being who I am, apparently it's not very authentic to a lot of people.

THERAPIST: Well, or people just misread you.

CLIENT: Yeah, but they don't think it's... they feel as if it's very... I am... I lean towards cheesy. That's just who I am. I talk about things that I'm especially proud of somebody for this or... that's just who I am. [0:18:00] I lean towards using words that other people don't, partially because I'm looking for a concise feeling or emotion towards it. But sometimes it's just that that's the word that comes to mind immediately.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But it's just...

THERAPIST: Yeah, a few minutes ago you used the word sagacity, which is... I know what it means, but it's not one you hear every day.

CLIENT: (Laughing)

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk)

CLIENT: Oh my God, sagacious. That is true. To me that's exactly though to me what it is. It's... it is one who's sage-like. In terms of what... because especially among my co-workers I mean that from the heart, because I think they say things almost Yoda-like to these children. And the children are like, oh, yeah.

THERAPIST: (Laughing)

CLIENT: And then [they're walking out there] (ph), and I feel like I've just seen some sort of Buddha-like wisdom imparted to these children. [0:18:57] So I really mean that word.

THERAPIST: I know.

CLIENT: I'm not just saying it to impress anybody.

THERAPIST: I didn't think you did.

CLIENT: No, I didn't think you did either, but that's just... I mean, the reason why I say these words is because it's exactly what I mean, it's the emotion that I'm feeling at the time.

THERAPIST: Right. Sometimes you can get a connotation with a word like that that's what you want and that you can't otherwise get.

CLIENT: Yeah. Especially because of the fact that I feel like sometimes praise is very cheap in certain situations...

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Either from myself or other people. And sometimes... for example, something like, oh, you must be really smart. That is true, but that is so bland. And that is not... it's not... to me it's not measurable. It's not concise. It's... I want to give, in what I write and when I speak about certain things... I want to make sure that it is something that is... it almost has a mood to it, but it also has [something that's measurable] (ph). [0:19:56] It is something that is very... it imparts what I'm trying to say. And so it is difficult for me when I do get this information... and I haven't gotten it in a while. But there are people in my life, every once in a while when I'm just not looking I get blindsided by this point in which I get wrapped in this whole thing of, well, just be yourself. And I'm like, crap. I am being myself. What am I supposed to do now? (Laughing) You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And so I sort of faked these... and at various different periods of time I have these almost personas that I... to get out of those situations that I have. Not personas... I don't even know how to explain this. I have these fake personalities in which I try to do certain behaviors that are socially acceptable around these people so that they can cope with that? Most... almost all of them involve... for example, a work-related one. [0:20:57] I was told that I was not very approachable because of the kind of way I use words and this and that and all that kind of stuff. And so I had... so then I started to pick up... putting smilies (sp?) in my e-mail. But the smilies did a lot for people thinking that I seem more approachable. I thought that was extremely unprofessional in a workplace environment. But then in various different types of... things, like being excited about new lip gloss or this or... yes, I mean, sometimes it's helpful. But not... I had to take a serious interest in this stuff so that I had something to talk about that they would find approachable as opposed to the things that I'm really excited about and things I find really interesting. And boy, that's a giant pain in the ass, because I don't like having to try and be somebody different than who I am.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: And so... I mean, we all do it a little bit. [0:21:58] But the biggest reason why I don't like to do it is because I have seen my poor husband who... he doesn't try to be... he expends so much energy of his life trying to be what... at any given time, what somebody wants him to be, such that I sometimes wonder... I feel like I know the real him. But then I start to wonder, is he... is that really what he wants... he thinks that I want, and therefore sees as...?

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I don't think so, because it's really hard to keep that up long term, I would think, as opposed to just with a boss. When you live with someone a lot, it's a lot harder to do that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But it is... it's got to be... I see it as exhausting for him. Living and dying by all of your behavior, trying to make other people happy is exhausting. And so... yeah, I don't want that to happen. (Pause) [0:22:57]

THERAPIST: Well, and it's insulting, I think.

CLIENT: I'm not sure if I understand that, but...

THERAPIST: Well, what I mean is...

CLIENT: To the person, or the person doing it, or...?

THERAPIST: Yeah, to the person who's having to do it, because there's some...

CLIENT: Oh, okay, yeah.

THERAPIST: Implication somewhere, not necessarily on the part of the person you're in front of... in other words (pause), usually it means somebody felt like it... may be feeling it wasn't okay to just be as you are, that was wrong in some fashion, or not good enough in some way.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's such a left-handed compliment with certain things. There's something where they're trying to tell you one thing, but what they're really actually saying is something pretty mean...

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Like, the equivalent of... and I had a roommate who did this to another roommate, of, you have such beautiful clothes. Can I borrow them because you don't ever get a chance to use them, kind of thing, because you don't ever get to go anywhere kind of stuff...

THERAPIST: I see. [0:24:02]

CLIENT: That kind of... just be yourself, but obviously being... it's supposed to sound like... it sounds like it's a nice thing to say, but really it's a really horrible thing to say.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So... yeah. I just... I guess for me the big thing is that my ideal situation is where I wouldn't have to be like that. I mean, we all have certain things that you do that for. I mean, and I was raised that there are things like that. Like, pretend you're in court (laughing), for example. It doesn't matter who you are. You have a very set set of behavior. There are certain things that you do this with, when you're having conversations with certain people. But these are very small... I mean, they're such rare situations that they're ritualized and... but not a day to day thing. [0:24:54] One of the things that really bothered me actually with certain things in my life is when there were situations where people who claim that they really are wanting... they're really open to anything, and they want you to absolutely be that way, except for the fact that, when you don't fit in, and then it's like everything but you. I do this to be individualistic, just like all of my friends, kind of bullshit, that kind of stuff? That really bothers me.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. Wait. (Crosstalk)

CLIENT: Being open-minded to everybody except for saying, oh, this is a place where you can be yourself. You can be legitimately weird. Seattle. All of Seattle, Washington, I felt like I couldn't be myself. And that's a place that you're supposed to be able to be yourself.

THERAPIST: Right, I see what you're saying.

CLIENT: Yeah. But...

THERAPIST: But sometimes that means, be yourself as long as yourself is a very particular way, that looks like it's just authentic.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, so... exactly. [0:26:04] So I felt like I was pretty much... the whole time I was in Seattle I felt like a some sort of anthropologist. So... and I'm weird, trust me. I started a blog about weird.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So... (Pause) I don't know. And that's actually something else. I finally got around to doing the blog thing I was supposed to be doing, all those months, years, lives, that my dad's been pressing me about.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: I told him that sometimes my life here... I have to laugh about it, otherwise I'm going to cry. And I would send the people that I love hilarious pictures. Like, there was... a couple days ago, I'm on the subway. There is a person dressed up like a real, honest to God shrimp. Real shrimp. Like, human being on the subway.

THERAPIST: Right. Dressed as a shrimp. [0:26:54]

CLIENT: Dressed as a shrimp.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: So of course I wanted to take a picture of it. And that's the kind of things that... or just in general. I see strange signs or... there's a picture... there's someone's house that has a little... what's it called? Can't think what it's called now. Stonehenge.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: There's... in their front yard there's a Stonehenge. I accidentally met the person because I posted it for Happy Summer Solstice with the picture of Stonehenge on it and things like that. And now they're sort of famous. But I... yeah, I've been sort of just taking pictures of the crazy things that I see and posting them. And mostly it's just a picture blog of weird... with occasional funny comments about something. And I'm finally doing that. And it is true, he's right, that by laughing about it... even if I... I mean, I don't... really, it's nice to know about the statistics and things like that, of people who read it. But it's not really about that? [0:27:57] It's more about just the creative expression of just putting it out there.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It is nice to know that there are people that like it, and it gets passed around now, but not all that... (Pause) Did it feel weird, it'd be selfish to say I'm doing this entirely for myself, yet it's on the Internet?

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: Okay. I guess maybe I get the idea that, to me, is that if I... (Pause) If there's one other person out there potentially, I don't have to meet them or even know about them. But if they are having trouble fitting in sometimes and see the world... things that people think are completely normal but I think are completely not normal, if that helps, then it does.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So that's pretty much what I've been trying to do to... some sort of self-expression, and we'll see how it goes. [0:28:59] It's... I'm not a big social media person, so I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up or not, or if... (Pause)

THERAPIST: Well, a lot of the stuff you're talking about, I think, has to do with (pause) feeling socially out of kilter...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And (pause) as though if you sort of simply are yourself that won't be socially acceptable or won't be well received...

CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause)

THERAPIST: And I think also... [I don't know if this] (ph) is true, but I think sometimes that can almost be like, it means you've done something wrong.

CLIENT: Yeah. [0:29:59] (Pause) A little bit. I mean... (Pause) I don't really feel like knowing where I do fit in, and in certain ways by [dealing with] (ph) it makes me feel more like I can sort of (pause) fit in at least, but pointing out that there... I can, in my anthropology or whatever, sociology, think of looking at this from afar and going, nothing really... can this actually be okay? Or not really be okay, but being... can't you guys...? Because you are stuck in the weeds, you don't really feel out and see how strange this culture really is.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So...

THERAPIST: Like various subcultures can look quite out of kilter to you.

CLIENT: Yeah. So... or not even out of kilter (crosstalk)...

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk)

CLIENT: Some of it, I love it. Some of it is absolutely hilarious. [0:30:57]

THERAPIST: Yeah, and other ones don't, yeah.

CLIENT: And some of them don't, but I mostly enjoy [giving to their puddle] (ph). I'm trying really hard not to be mean or anything that is negative. I'm trying to at least be something to me that's funny.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I can imagine when you... (inaudible at 0:31:09) that when you go to the Ig Nobel ceremony, those will be some of your people.

CLIENT: Those will be my people, yeah, for the most part. I guess part of it is... yeah, it's all about... I don't know what it's about, but feeling like I fit in.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: It makes me sad, because I thought I would fit in. That's the big thing, is that everyone was like, you're going to love it. This is going to be exactly up your alley.

THERAPIST: Referring to where?

CLIENT: Dartmouth.

THERAPIST: Oh, Dartmouth.

CLIENT: Everyone's like, this is going to be perfect for you. You're going to love it. It's going to be exactly... it's exactly what you need. And maybe it is, and I was just at the wrong place in my life when I moved.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: But I guess I got it from so many people that I trusted and I actually believed understood me, that it felt really upsetting and distressing that I didn't feel like...

THERAPIST: I see. [0:32:01]

CLIENT: Is everything okay in there? Maybe not, hold on.

THERAPIST: Is she all right?

CLIENT: I don't know. Hold on. Is everything okay? Are we just being...? Could I have some of that water after all?

THERAPIST: Yeah, sure.

CLIENT: Here. [Here's some water] (ph). I think you're fine, but I think that you're just not getting enough attention today. (Pause) That should be plenty. (Pause) About the only dog that can drink out of glasses, so... okay, there we go. (Pause) I didn't teach this to her. She came like this.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: But the... I guess a part of the big thing for me at least is that I felt like... not just like people I didn't... like people who didn't know me. [0:32:56] I felt like people that really would actually understand thought I would actually really like it. And so I guess it was just really... you want some more? I guess it just really was a big letdown to me to be able to not get the...

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: It's... especially because of the fact that it's not even like a no-place-is-good-enough-for-me thing, because I have totally had situations where I'm like, here I am. I'm in the middle of my people here.

THERAPIST: How has it not worked?

CLIENT: I'm sorry?

THERAPIST: How has it not worked in Dartmouth?

CLIENT: Just... (Pause) I don't know. (Pause) I guess part of the thing is that... (Pause) [0:33:58] It really is partially me but partially just (pause) feeling out of place, I guess. I don't know. This is one of those things where I really... and this is... might be my memory just maybe is kind of on the spot, I don't know. But I'm having a hard time thinking about it. But it really is something where I felt like I just hadn't been quite... felt as much comfortable and that kind of thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (Pause) [You gather up all the] (ph) sort of impression (crosstalk).

CLIENT: Yeah, or just thinking about the sense of it, yeah. Well, for a really good example, at one point... this was a little over a week ago, I was having problems with an asthma attack. I'm lying on the ground, right?

THERAPIST: Oh my God. [0:34:55]

CLIENT: Like, I'm lying on the ground holding my asthma inhaler... I'm sorry, I was chasing after the bus that decided not to stop. Sometimes the bus drivers... I guess they skip stops, I don't know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I end up lying on the ground, right? And I just got so pissed because I had a couple people actually walk over me to get on their way. I'm like, you know what? I understand you don't want to get involved. But fucking walk around me. I'm sorry, but that is just... that is a message in my head to say, I don't give a damn, by walking over you. There was plenty of room on the sidewalk to walk around.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That kind of stuff. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I understand when you don't want to actually get involved. You may not want to say anything, like, are you okay? But walking over somebody, really? But this is mostly a place where we're so concerned about everything. We're supposed to be concerned about people's mental wellbeing. We're worried enough about that, and we're worried about that. But yet walking over somebody, really? That kind of thing. [0:35:55] But I can't think of anything immediately. Oh, in general, something nasty, like the whole slew of nasty... like, back when I had a car, nasty letters I would get on my car, that kind of stuff.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. I [remember those] (ph), yeah.

CLIENT: It's actually spawned out of the nasty letters I used to get, this whole posting things. But I would never post anything as negative as that. But this whole... why in the world would anyone find the need to say... passive-aggressive... it seems like there's less direct contact I get with people. And it's not like I'm... like I wanted to have conversation. I'm not looking that Midwest... like, everyone-want-to-be-friends kind of thing. But it seems like it's actually they seek out specifically extremely passive-aggressive ways to let you know that you're not conforming, if that makes sense.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And that's what really gets me kind of... either leave me alone, ignore me, or speak to me. [0:37:00] Don't leave me nasty messages on my car because you perceive that I am actually not handicapped. Don't write mean messages about how you're going to do terrible things to the cardboard because I didn't know that they needed to be in three by three squares instead of four by four squares.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Ring my bell, talk to me. Or just let it go.

THERAPIST: Right. Yeah.

CLIENT: That kind of thing. (Pause) So... (Exhaling) that kind of just very... that kind of frustration. And, like, I said, I know it isn't just them. It is partly... and I know more than half of it is me. I just wasn't in... I... a lot...

THERAPIST: How is it you?

CLIENT: I have a lot of baggage, and therefore I'm not necessarily willing to have a good sense of humor about something. Or I'm not willing to...

THERAPIST: [I think the examples you gave] (ph) don't sound like you're (sp?) baggage.

CLIENT: I know. That isn't... well, maybe a little bit.

THERAPIST: I mean, people stepping over you on the ground when you're incapacitated. That's not really much you. [0:38:00]

CLIENT: Yeah. Now, I did find out after the fact that there is actually a real reason why potentially that people were too busy. But I still think they could have walked around me. This was about the same time that there was... it actually was the same time that there was some sort of emergency, and they were re-bussing people around from Kendall (sp?) somewhere else.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. So... but the point though is that you still don't do it over somebody. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: But...

THERAPIST: You're not really implicated there. You didn't choose (crosstalk)...

CLIENT: No, but I'm talking about also just in general...

THERAPIST: Could have been.

CLIENT: Yeah. I actually really don't like attention when I'm like that, either.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: I would prefer that you walk around me than, if I can't... than actually engage me to see if things are okay, because usually... it's not even that the... (Pause) [I'm trying to play it both ways here] (ph), I guess. [0:38:54] I don't know. I don't want you to bother me. If I need help, I will ask for help. But... (Pause) Usually... I don't know. It's weird. It's... but I also... like I said, I was in a... just a very frustrated... I've had situations where I have broken down and not wanted to deal with the situation. I basically got frustrated way too early on than I should have and became bitter and angry about certain things. And so... (Pause) I don't know. It's one of those things, I guess. I just... (Pause) Part of it is that I have a lot of... did I say baggage stuff going on? I have a lot of crap going on in my life right now, so I don't really have a good open mind often, I guess. I don't... I want to make friends. [0:39:58] But at the same time I also don't want to make a commitment of it, because I don't know what's going to happen and all of that.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: It's... (Pause) It's just been a bad time in my life to be able to really...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Have a good time, I guess. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: (Exhaling) It just seems like something's always getting in the way, and I hate that. (Pause) But I do get... I do have moments where I get horribly unbent over something that I shouldn't, that is totally irrational. But in my own head I get upset a lot anyways. [0:40:56] Good example, actually.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: A couple of people I work with, talking about this one cooking... it's not a real show, it's someone who takes picture... there's a video of... they're cooking things. And I know about it, I've taken a couple of things from it. I am extremely... I don't know where in the world I... how in the world I didn't know about this, but I got extremely bitter and pissed and betrayed with I don't know who, because I didn't know that the person who is running this cooking show is actually a very famous porn star. His last name is Deen. I thought he was related... not that I wanted him to be related to Paula Deen.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But his name is James Deen. Apparently he was quite the porn-star-man thing.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I don't know. And everyone's like, you can't not know this. I'm like, no, I really don't. I really don't. And I just got so pissed that I... here I am. I feel like I've got tricked into watching this person's video at work and talking about it. [0:41:57] And now I feel like a complete and total fool. I don't know why. And so I refuse to watch it. (Laughing) See, this doesn't make any sense at all. I know it doesn't.

THERAPIST: Huh. Well, I bet it does, we just don't really know how yet (chuckling).

CLIENT: I don't... (Pause) I used to have a really healthy point of view toward the porn industry, but I don't any more. I feel very (crosstalk)...

THERAPIST: Yeah, (crosstalk).

CLIENT: An awful lot of this is a tremendous...

THERAPIST: I can't imagine why (crosstalk)...

CLIENT: Exploitive behavior, that kind of thing.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So... yeah. So I have...

THERAPIST: Well, of course it's charged for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. This is... again, this is a lot... I get these irrational... not irrational, but I have... I can get very upset about something that I don't like. And therefore I will almost (crosstalk)... [0:42:56]

THERAPIST: I don't know that it's irrational so much as it's a little displaced.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's displaced.

THERAPIST: You're only mad because of stuff going on with your husband. And it seems like this has at least partly to do with that.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's more than partly to do with that. But yes. But it's like...

THERAPIST: I get in a sense it's irrational, but in another way it completely makes sense.

CLIENT: But also getting cheesed by people at work for not knowing this...

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Also, makes it even worse, and makes it even more... makes me be even more un-liking (ph) doing this kind of thing. So it's a lot of it.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But I just... (Pause) To me, it's just one of those ridiculous things that just make me very unhappy. And so, [like I said] (ph), that's a completely irrational situation that's mostly on me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Don't think I'll be watching that again...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Because I feel as if it's a very exploitive industry.

THERAPIST: Well, we should stop for now. [0:44:00]

CLIENT: Yeah... so. Yeah, I'll see you next week.

THERAPIST: I'll see you next week. Bye bye.

CLIENT: Let's get out of here.

THERAPIST: Have a good week.

END TRANSCRIPT