TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hello.
THERAPIST: Hey.
CLIENT: Made it. (laughs)
THERAPIST: Made it. (pause)
CLIENT: I (coughs) (pause) Oh gosh. So I have a lot of these thoughts that I’ve been wanting to think about what to do. I think it may be passing joke about this. So I am trying very hard to slowly get myself off of (inaudible at 00:00:41) and crap, I right.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:00:44)
CLIENT: Yeah. And most of them are (inaudible at 00:00:48) which is hard. The steroids they have to take you off slowly.
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: You can imagine.
THERAPIST: Mhm. (pause)
CLIENT: (sighs) [00:01:00] One of the big things that has (ph) really driving me crazy is that my poor husband seems to think that all of this stuff, like the misery I’ve been through on this kind of stuff, is his fault. He does (ph) this. (sniff) And I made the joke of saying him to his therapist that envelope that opened saying “Get him to quit this the fuck out.” (chuckles)
THERAPIST: (laughs)
CLIENT: I keep trying to talk to him frankly about this but I don’t think that there’s really an easy way for me to talking this through for him to really process this in an easy way. Basically explaining to him that -
THERAPIST: What is it they think is his fault.
CLIENT: Um (laughs)
THERAPIST: (chuckles) Everything?
CLIENT: Well, the fact that I think Okay, so this is hard. This is very hard because he can always attribute the real thing with the action with this. I guess the concept is, is that because he cannot make enough of a living for us to be able to adopt a child, then because of that I have to uphold (ph) all these medicines I really shouldn’t be and risk my life in his head. But more along the lines of just things you have to do. And so it’s all his fault.
THERAPIST: I see. [00:02:30]
CLIENT: That’s the closest thing to a rational thing I can think of.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: He doesn’t really know why it is. He just doesn’t think Everything (inaudible at 00:02:38) was his fault. But [he was] (ph) never really told of his (ph) fault.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: [In fact maybe] (ph) told it that it was not your fault but yet you got punished like it was your fault.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know what I mean?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And I (pause) And even doing things cause I have to, slowing getting off of caffeine and blood tests and trying not to drink because we’re going to go to the fertility doctor in a few weeks and they’re going to be testing for egg quality and things like that. So I’m really trying to really live I’ve even taken the pills and things that you Cause it takes at least 90 days to affect egg quality. [00:03:16]
He’s actually been a really big sport about this. He’s willing to do anything for himself to fix things. I mean, there’s a very small small amount of data that says that men taking DHA when you wrote fish oil there’s two major types of fats and one of them is DHA. That’s the one that women take usually when they’re pregnant but also men taking it between 90 days and six months before trying to have kids actually does also -
THERAPIST: (overlapping talking) No kidding.
CLIENT: (inaudible overlapping talking at 00:03:47) sperm quality. The thing is they don’t know a whole lot about it.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: They know in general that that’s the one that’s really good for your nerves. It’s nervous tissue. But they don’t really know why it would happen to a sperm. [00:04:00]
So he’s like, “Oh yeah, I’ll totally take any pills you want me to.” Especially because I’ve been buying the ones that are made for people who are already pregnant so they’re not nauseous Fish pills in general, [I don’t know if you’ve ever taken them] (ph), if you don’t buy ones that are made for people that are pregnant are nauseous because they are fish! It’s like oil from a mackerel. So it just -
THERAPIST: It makes you nauseous
CLIENT: Oh, it makes you nauseous, makes you burps, just in general makes you feel really bad -
THERAPIST: Bleh.
CLIENT: I knew (ph) a long time ago my Rheumatologist told me to find the stuff made for pregnant people because of that you’re already nauseous.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: They’re more expensive but not only is it that they make them sort of less nauseous flavored but they’re also a little bit more good about How do I explain this? The word isn’t really ethical but they try to be a little bit more aware of using fish sources that might have mercury and other things in them as well.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Because you’re pregnant.
THERAPIST: Yep. [00:04:57]
CLIENT: Yeah, it’s the concept. There’s only a few places that make this stuff anyways. But he’s like, “Oh yeah, I’ll happily take these fish pills, I’ll do whatever you want.” He’s really thrilled about being a help. He also feels like anything negative, so I’m pretty much trying to keep it bottled up as much as I can. Because it’s really hard because it seems like this misplaced guilt. And it’s not even necessarily what I’m telling you what it is. That’s the closest thing. I mean it’s more generalized than that but it’s the closest thing to a rational thing I can think of after talking to him about this. It really is just sort of a “things are not going well therefore it’s obviously all my fault.” He also feels bad when I have arthritis flares too. Partially because the fact that he would like me not to have to work.
THERAPIST: Uh-huh. I see.
CLIENT: And that’s great when we can but right now, as much as it’s a giant pain in my ass, work gives me meaning. [00:06:02]
THERAPIST: Yep. I wondered if you could afford it, whether you would stop or not. I guess -
CLIENT: If I could afford it I would still be doing things. Even if I was just giving away my labor for something.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But one of the great things my dad taught me back many many years ago is that there’s only two things you do. You either have people pay full price or you give it away for free. Because when you do Because that way you can set your own boundaries, if that makes sense. I’ve never done cheap, inexpensive work when doing consulting. Because when you do that it almost always ruins your ranking, it’s not worth it. When you give it away for free you can set the boundaries on this or you pay full price.
THERAPIST: Yep. [00:06:52]
CLIENT: So I would probably just do most of my stuff for free if I could. In fact, I’m going to be doing some stuff with Mike’s work. It has to be free because of my non-compete. When I started with Microsoft, I was still in a PhD program. Supposedly nominally I am still. I’m on medical leave EBD (ph). So I didn’t realize when I visited back to Cincinnati that yeah, they’re keeping me on the hooks.
THERAPIST: Huh? Huh!
CLIENT: Yeah. So I could pick it up. Anyway, so, I had negotiated something with Microsoft and basically said, “I can’t not compete, I can’t not put any labor into our market because I’m going to need something potentially.” I didn’t know what was going to go on for a dissertation.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And they basically said, “If you don’t get paid for it, great.” So [being a] (ph) scholar whatever and that kind of stuff as long as I don’t take in a paycheck -
THERAPIST: Yep. [00:07:50]
CLIENT: Or if I take a paycheck as in in terms of things like “We’ll be sending you to conferences.” Things like that. they’d probably never know but I negotiated this contract in good faith, I want to keep to this contract in good faith. There’s a couple of people in his workplace that could potentially use some help with things. They’re finally starting to manufacture the chips more than just one at a time and they’re really having trouble with doing some sort of feedback system where they’re and they use chips (inaudible at 00:08:25) which, I mean, they’re not electronic chips but the same kind of things have, they’re done with scilio (ph). Like, it’s basically instead of electricity it flows to them as water or fluids. So, same kind of processing, same kind of thing you (inaudible at 00:08:40) [in a clean room] (ph). I mean, yes, the type of things that will happen, the (ph) clinical elimination (ph), where the water proof things, certain things peel up.
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: But the seal, same thing. The feedback loop of where your giving this out to clinicians and this and that, getting this stuff and getting the feedback in so they can get a better job. Think, it’s the same thing. It’s the bloody damn same thing.
THERAPIST: Yep. [00:09:00]
CLIENT: And so he introduced me to a couple of people who just came in from San Francisco, who are here now, who would really love me to teach them to set up a very small feedback loop system. Because right now they’re doing the equivalent of, “Give me your driver’s license and you don’t’ get any more chips until you give me feedback” kind of thing. (chuckles)
THERAPIST: (laughs)
CLIENT: Like vaguely threatening and that’s not the way you have to do it.
THERAPIST: I See.
CLIENT: So I may be doing that. And I’ll be doing that one day a week, a few hours maybe. That’s just more of that You know, work is meaningful to me.
THERAPIST: Yep!
CLIENT: It’s never been about a paycheck. And to me also, if I stayed home with kids, that’s work. You know, that’s the thing I can do. But I probably still will do other things too and just [consider it to be] entertainment.
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: [00:09:58] It’s not that he doesn’t want me to work. He’s not like, “Oh, you should stay home.” He just feels bad because he knows that physically it is often hard for me to work.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So there’s a lot of guilt he has over anything involving my decline in health. And part of it is (sighs) (pause) in a very very remote way kind of a little bit true. If I didn’t have such high cortisol levels and all this other stuff a long time ago, there is a possibility my disease wouldn’t have been as destructing.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I mean, there’s a possibility. We’re talking like these are well past hershiary (ph) factors. But he loves to grip onto that, “It’s all your fault” and -
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: Feel bad. And I do like to let him do some stuff.
[00:10:58] Is everything okay in there?
SPEAKER I.D. UNCLEAR: It is, sure.
CLIENT: Everything okay? Yeah, we’re just itchy. Okay. But yeah, it’s one of those things like to let him help with my disease. He’s very very helpful about it. Partially because it makes him feel like he’s contributing to helping me. One because it feels wonderful to come home knowing that I’ve had a really hard day and he knows already to do things to prepare for that and it feels really really good.
THERAPIST: Yeah. That’s great.
CLIENT: But (pause) it’s an awful burden to bear. I’m worried that if we’re able to actually have a successful pregnancy he’s going to feel terrible the entire time, for the whole thing instead (ph) of being happy. Because it’s true, even for people who are completely healthy, you have to deprive yourself of certain things. And -
THERAPIST: You mean as a pregnant woman.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah, sure.
[00:12:00]
CLIENT: And it’s like we’re going to be even more careful with things. There’s like these lists of what every doctor thinks and then some doctors are kind of more fussy about it than others. Like, some of them say, “No caffeine.” Some of them are like, “It’s impossible to get no caffeine No more than this many milligrams a day.” A lot of doctors are like, especially if you’re high risk, do not want you to eat anything called gangnatrates (ph). Which is in like what’s it called lunch meat, bacon, anything like that. Because there is a miscarriage risk amongst other things. I mean, it’s not big but when you’re already going all out to put all your eggs in a basket literally -
THERAPIST: Right. You don’t want to hear (ph) it.
CLIENT: Yeah, when you start going to see reproductive endocrinologist they’re like, “No, this is a $30,000 per procedure thing, we’re not doing that!” (chuckles) and I totally agree.
THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:13:00]
CLIENT: My life will be perfectly complete if I don’t’ have to have bacon for a while, you know? (chuckles)
THERAPIST: (chuckles) Yeah.
CLIENT: And that kind of stuff. And I guess he was just hoping that I could have one of these like incredibly enlightened European pregnancies where you’re like, “Oh, well if I have [wine aid] (ph) with water in it, then everything is fine!” Which is great if you’re a French woman. (chuckles) And it’s true, growing up traveling I remember thinking to myself as a little kid hearing about these things, hearing about how you’re not supposed to drink during pregnancy and I’m like, “But I see it all the time in Europe!” And it’s like, well it’s very small amounts and it’s almost always dosed with water. Wine and water with children is really common too [in midday] (ph) so it’s not like that much.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But (sigh) I think you’re just hoping (inaudible at 00:13:48) things were like, “Oh, well that just means we get to go to Whole Foods all the time!” Or something like that, you know? (chuckles)
THERAPIST: (laughs) Yeah.
CLIENT: It’s like, no there really is a lot more things than that.
THERAPIST: Right. [00:14:00]
CLIENT: It was really a real shocker to him when cause there’s this sort of a baby book in his lap the fact that you can’t take cold medicine and stuff like that too. Like he had no idea I don’t’ know where in the world he got these ideas. I guess he just sort of blocked out everything involving his sister when she had all her kids because -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Because she’s kind of a pain in the ass in general. But yeah, it’s things like that. And so, I guess he had thought, “Well, she can’t take any Vicodin probably.” And that’s about it.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Which is an obvious one but like -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But NyQuil is permanently fine really.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: NyQuil isn’t especially great for non-pregnant human beings. It’s not that it’s bad but it’s not especially good for you either. He’s got a lot of sense of guilt because I guess he didn’t realize how little things you can do. So I’m trying really hard to find a balance between just not sharing that much with him -
THERAPIST: Mhm [00:15:00]
CLIENT: And also trying to get him to realize that this is not his fault.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: You know? So we’ll see. It’s hard though. It’s really hard. Because I do like talking to him about most things, you know?
THERAPIST: Sure. It must be hard to see him burdened and feeling bad in this way.
CLIENT: Yeah. And it’s awful. He’s just totally programed to, if there’s something wrong, look for where he can be inserted into the problem. And sometimes it’s just not bad.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: It is really really important also, I should probably share that with you, is that my doctor told me that as I finally get down to the last of my serrates (ph), it’s not uncommon at all to experience pretty moderate depression. Like, you’re not getting something to do with your serotonin. [00:16:06]
THERAPIST: I see. Okay.
CLIENT: And so it’s like, it usually passes but like all things [it’s got a six month to get out of your cells.] (ph)
THERAPIST: I see. And when do you actually when will you stop taking them?
CLIENT: Probably I’ll be almost off in May or July.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: It depends on basically every time I can prove that I’m surviving sort of -
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: They take me down a little bit more.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: They’re doing it all (inaudible at 00:16:40) Zeno’s Paradox (ph) aspect of things which is (laughs) kind of weird.
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: Basically I was just told that at certain points you’re just going to have certain (ph) problems, it’s going to be a problem, you know? (pause)
And so, I didn’t want (inaudible at 00:17:03) hell, I’m fucking depressed every day as it is, (inaudible at 00:17:05) what are you telling me?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But I think it’s going to be a little more chemical like, it’s going to be a lot more obvious, you know? More fun (ph).
THERAPIST: And is there a good chance of this? Is there (overlapping talking) you’re talking about it like it’s a pretty likely thing.
CLIENT: (overlapping talking) Like most people [feel it just for a while] (ph). At least a few weeks. Yeah. Basically, there’s not like a correlation at all so most people have very very short, and I do, have very very short fuses where they’re up above 15 milligrams a day of this stuff. Like, some people actually get psychotic. Like, real, honest to goodness real psychotic
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: With the Sefleteli (ph) I’ve never been that upset. You know when they get up that high.
THERAPIST: Yep.
[00:18:00]
CLIENT: (pause) It is a com pound that they really don’t understand at all. There’s not a clue in the world why it makes you gain so much weight, not a clue. They’ve no idea why it really works that well. They don’t know why, they just know it works. That’s not the primary, that was actually primarily just to keep the swelling down so I can move around. It wasn’t even like the major treatment. Though I’m really hoping that then (ph) (inaudible at 00:18:29) right now is just slowly getting all my blood just because it stopped immediately but takes a while, it’s that soluble. If I lose some weight also probably have some problems.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But I still need to lose weight because I need to be significantly lighter before we do the procedure.
THERAPIST: I see. But that will presumably be easier as you decrease the steroids?
CLIENT: That’s the plan. That’s what the textbooks say. Most people find it very hard to get rid of the weight.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: [00:18:57] It’s easier to stop gaining.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: If that makes sense.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. Losing it, we’ll see. I’m trying. I already had the smack dab conversation with my mother already about that. She (pause) understands having trouble with her weight most of her life, how important it is that I need to lose this weight. However at the same time she’s also still in the category of “food is love.” And so she’s like, “Oh well, I was going to send you this box of Cheryl’s cookies for Easter.” And I’m like, “Mom, first you bought me gift certificates,” and I’m like, “Okay, so this is not going to work.” And she’s like, “Oh, it’s only a little bit.” And I’m like, “No, you don’t understand. I need to be 25 pounds lighter by this date at least.” And like, this is not like something I can fudge the scale, this is like, as in they won’t let you.
THERAPIST: Right. (inaudible overlapping talking at 00:19:54) offer.
CLIENT: [00:19:55] Yeah. It took me a big struggle. I think she kind of gets it as of yesterday. We’ll see when we get to Cincinnati in April if she still gets it. (laughs)
THERAPIST: (laughs)
CLIENT: If that makes sense. Because she’s always been like this. Even back when she’s not a super feeder, per se, but she’s definitely one of those people that believes that, and it’s worked for her, that not eating a lot of things but a very small amount of extremely good rich food is better than not having at all. Which sounds wonderful. We had a lot of fights back when I got my gall bladder out because I kept explaining to her that any amount of this is going to make me sick. She lost her gall bladder too, she should know this better!
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: She does like to cook things rich and just having so (ph) much smaller portion, which sounds lovely in theory but -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. And of course she’s a fantastic cook. So that makes it even harder. [00:20:55]
So we’ll see. I don’t think it’s going to be a severe problem but it definitely is something where I have to keep repeating myself because she forgets. She doesn’t forget but she doesn’t put together that sending me a dozen sugar cookies is not helping. And she’s like, “It’s only a dozen. You can eat them slowly.” I’m like, “They go bad, Mom, you can’t do that.” Plus they’re, you know -
THERAPIST: (laughs) Plus I have a dozen awesome cookies sitting in my desk.
CLIENT: I’m like, “What am I supposed to be doing with like “ Also like Easter egg cookies in the middle of July. (snorts) Yeah.
THERAPIST: You also sound I think pretty excited about this whole process, I mean -
CLIENT: [I mean] (ph) I want to have kids.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I don’t mind I mean, I do and the moments where things are not going the way they want to, yeah, I’m miserable.
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: I do want to have kids, it made me sad.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: [It happened.] (ph) I am excited because also this sort of [I guess I had a] (ph) very strong belief about this and about not wanting to keep trying to conceive because the fact that I felt like on some level it was cruel because I knew my immune system would kill children. [00:22:02]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And so it’s (ph) just like doing this over and over and over again seemed kind of vain. But in theory they can now get a certain amount of cell division before they actually do the implantation.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Which might actually give me the not like basically might give me the upper hand -
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: On it. That’s the plan.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Is that they can actually have a much more, when I say mature it’s kind of hard to see this because they’re not that mature but a much more mature fetus, or babies either, whatever at that point, before that so that my immune system doesn’t kick in. Just, you know -
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: (inaudible overlapping talking at 00:22:39)
THERAPIST: I did see somebody a few years ago who had arthritis and who was trying to get pregnant and helped to consult and sort of was going through IVF for a while and then actually had some success after consulting a center for reproductive immunology. And so I had like a big recollection of sort of [00:23:02]
CLIENT: They’re getting better and better all the time and basically the thing is before they could only have like one or two cell divisions.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And now they can have the equivalent of a lot more -
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: before doing implantation. Which basically means that your body has a better chance of one not rejecting but two also, the idea that it’s going to not be assumed associated as being foreign (ph) and therefore you could potentially go into remission.
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: Which would be good. I mean, I’m not banking on this. I know people -
THERAPIST: Yeah, the only thing that [bad had] (ph) like just really enjoying not having the joint pain.
CLIENT: Yeah. I’m really looking forward to that happening but I’m not banking on it.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: I’ve met people with Rheumatoid Arthritis who had very large families and it’s partially because of the fact that they love being pregnant. (chuckles)
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Because they’ve never had symptoms.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: It’s funny when I see large families, today I guess three and four kids is a large family, it’s hard, it’s really hard. Supposedly the person we’re meeting with over at Paris’ (ph) is one of the very best [00:24:08]
THERAPIST: Oh, that’s great.
CLIENT: In terms of that it is. The official title is endocrinology but it is people that specifically (inaudible at 00:24:20) supposed to be the hormones of pregnancy separately (ph)
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But they do. If this is supposed to be reproductive, it’s supposed to be for reproductive endocrinology. So I’m hoping.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I’m really really hoping. So I’m trying to do all the things I’m supposed to do ahead of time and it’s hard.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: It’s freaking hard. But the thing is, is that as much as I’m complaining about it, the fact that I’ve been able to stick with it is pretty darn good so, I don’t know. We’ll see.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I’m even eating green things. Well, okay, I’m drinking green things so that shows something. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that this duju (ph) things related to my digestive system never done real well with things that have really strong plant walls.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:25:00) Like celery.
CLIENT: Like celery. However, I’ve had a really good run of things of keeping them in vinegar so that it breaks things down a little bit. Not really ferment but breaking down the walls and then putting them in smoothies lately. So I don’t know if it’s just because I’m growing out of I mean I still have a lot of dimension (ph) problems, I can’t actually absorb B12 in my stomach either so I never will. But this is sort of working (chuckles) in terms of putting things It took years to figure this out. I was branded a picky eater in terms of not eating vegetables for years.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: It was such an early imprintation (ph) though. My mom told me that I would throw up vegetables as an infant. They would keep trying to feed them to me because all the books said that and then after about the age of four or five, basically they just stop at trying.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: You know, it’s like, “Yep, cheese, throwing out asparagus, we’ll just not force this.”
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And so I had for years as being the kid who doesn’t eat vegetables.
THERAPIST: Right. [00:26:00]
CLIENT: And it’s not really that, it took me until I was like 25 going through gall bladder problems and all of a sudden they’re like, “Yeah, your stomach has a lot of different rams (ph) in it, you’re immune system probably attacks the ‘blah blah blah’ that breaks down these plant wall whatever.” So you associate it with being nauseous and all this other stuff because of the fact that you’re like, “I don’t like vegetables.” It’s not that you don’t like the taste, it’s -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But I’ve never acquired the taste because I needed -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: To (ph) this but now I’ve been sort of thinking if by breaking things down as much as possible and sort of -
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:26:33)
CLIENT: Well, because it’s not really appealing after that point, just putting into smoothies with other stuff -
THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
CLIENT: But it’s not that I’m trying to (sigh) I’m glad that I’m actually able to do this sort of but it’s also in certain ways nice to be able to find some way to do this.
THERAPIST: Yep. (pause) [00:26:54]
CLIENT: I hated being branded that way, I hated it. But I didn’t have a same thing with my allergy to onions. It wasn’t until much later in life that I found out I was allergic to onions. I just didn’t like them early on and every time I kept trying them and all that stuff.
THERAPIST: Yep. Yep.
CLIENT: I just Hides (ph) in the digestive tract does tend to make you -
THERAPIST: (chuckles) Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Averse to something.
CLIENT: So I only found that out after being in the hospital and they put Mederma on things.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Mederma actually is onion oil.
THERAPIST: Oh!
CLIENT: That gets rid of scars. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Oh wow.
CLIENT: Yep. And they had to come and bring me Atropine and everything [so I didn’t] (ph) -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: So yeah. I can’t use Mederma, which is no big deal.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And I already have a notecard that has in like 8 or 12 different languages the phrase, “I am allergic to onions,” and I’ve laminated it to take when I travel and I just had it to the person when I am eating out.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: That way it says like in Italian “Sono allergico whatever (ph) cipolle.”
THERAPIST: Right. [00:28:00]
CLIENT: And in French-whatever, all these different things saying, “I’m allergic to onions.”
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: It’s just easier. It works out really well. I’ve been shocked. The one place I thought never they’d actually get it was Italy. They’re the most vigilant and understanding of all the countries I’ve visited for being allergic to onions. Totally. Yeah. So I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they don’t see it as a you’re being a picky eater and therefore you’re saying you’re allergic because you don’t want it. They think that everyone naturally must love onions therefore you must actually be allergic.
THERAPIST: (laughs) Right.
CLIENT: So yeah, I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of crankiness all my life. Partially because I thought I was a picky eater. And maybe I am a little bit, not that much, because of the food intolerances of some sort.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: And so I am very frustrated and I refuse to do that to any of my own. “Let’s put a little bit in to see if they’re really “
THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:29:02]
CLIENT: Yeah. I hate that. Because I am very bad at passive aggressive anything. Doing it, putting up with it, dealing with it.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know? I’ve actually called out one of my customers this week saying, “That is passive aggressive behavior and I’m not answering that question.” (laughs) And [one of them was like] (ph) (makes shocked noise). And I’m uncomfortable with this one person because he was just in general just a little snot. A little snot I’m saying at like 70. And I don’t even remember what the question was but it was something very passive aggressive.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: And I’m like, “That is [very passive aggressive] (ph) behavior and I’m not answering that. What is your next question?” (chuckles)
THERAPIST: Uh-huh?
CLIENT: Yeah. I don’t deal with it well, you know? I don’t like it. And partially it may just be because maybe it’s I don’t know. It’s not like a, “Oh, I had it all the time growing up.” I didn’t really. Most of the people I’ve dealt with, even before I knew the phrase, I would make it a point of just not being around them. It just felt like it was just a pain in the ass thing. [00:30:08]
And I don’t consider myself to be like morally superior to anyone because of that. It’s partially because it’s a lot of bandwidth and it’s a lot of exhaustion to deal with. It really isn’t like a “I’m a better person.” Same reason why I don’t say it like, “I tend not to lie.” It’s not because I’m a better person than anybody else, it’s just that keeping track of lies is fucking exhausting.
THERAPIST: Mhm.
CLIENT: Like, I don’t need to have cheat sheets for my life. So I’m not really good at it. But you know (sighs) Well. (pause) It’s awkward to be honest with somebody about the reason why (inaudible at 00:30:55). (pause)
[00:31:00]
CLIENT: Not that I ever put on airs, I just don’t deal with it, you know? (sniffs)
THERAPIST: It [made you feel self-conscious?] (ph)
CLIENT: Little bit. (pause)
THERAPIST: Like as though I might have a different opinion (inaudible at 00:31:18)?
CLIENT: No! No just the fact that I’m actually saying it out loud. (sniffs)
THERAPIST: I see, yeah. (pause)
CLIENT: Especially on some level feeling like, it’s almost being almost a simpleton and that sort of thing. I tend to really like rigidity and rules and things like that. And (sighs) it would be very easy and very okay if I did it because I felt like there was some sort of ethics behind it but in the end it’s really because it’s -
THERAPIST: It’s more pragmatic.
CLIENT: It’s so much easier.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know?
THERAPIST: Yeah. We should finish up right now. [00:32:00]
CLIENT: So yeah, that’s pretty much about it right now for me.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I think that I don’t see any reason why I will be able to come in next week.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: In April, I know that there will be a period of time where I’m going to be away in Cincinnati.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: I do not remember what I think it’s not the week before Easter but the weekend before that because it’s a Carnival.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: But I’ll let you know.
THERAPIST: Yeah, you can [just let me know next week or whenever is fine.] (ph)
CLIENT: (overlapping talking) Yeah. So that’s really about it.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Thank you so much for waiting for me.
THERAPIST: Sure. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah, I kind of need that too. (pause) See you next week.
THERAPIST: Take care.
END TRANSCRIPT
