TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hey, I am a little bit under the weather.

CLIENT: Oh, sorry.

THERAPIST: Thank you. Good morning.

CLIENT: Good morning.

THERAPIST: What's on your mind?

CLIENT: Well (pause) stuff. (chuckle) (sigh) So I finally coaxed Ashley into like attempting to schedule the next time we can see each other. And he gave me a list of like a dozen dates in July and August that would work for him. And the earliest one that I didn't have a conflict with was August 15th, which is you know, quite a ways away. [00:01:05]

But yeah. So, so that's a thing. And then over the weekend Dave and I went to see Pacific Rim. And we realized as we were leaving the theater and heading out to dinner, that like we hadn't been on like a proper like going out and doing something fun date in like weeks. Which isn't to say we don't spend time together, we do. But you know, nothing that would count as a date really. [00:01:44]

THERAPIST: Um-hum.

CLIENT: And so both of these things happening like on the same weekend made me realize, hum. I might have a problem with over scheduling myself. This, this might just be, you know, an issue. And I should you know, think about my priorities. [00:01:59]

I made a list of everything I'm doing. And there's really nothing I want to stop doing. But it's a pretty long list. And like I have peers who are doing as much or more, or twice as much as I'm doing. And I keep holding myself to that standard and feeling like I'm not measuring up. But you know, at the same time like, I don't know, it, it's really, it's not fair to any of the people or things in my life that I've committed to for me to not be fully present. [00:02:38]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So I don't know. I need to, I need to prioritize, as much as I don't want to. And I need to start cutting things out and I don't like doing that. Because it feels like failure. [00:02:54]

(very very long pause) [00:03:57]

(continued very long pause) [00:04:57]

(continued very long pause) [00:05:28]

THERAPIST: Now you seem to internal to hide.

CLIENT: (laugh) (long pause) And so there's part of me that's worried that I'm just using this as an excuse to quit voice lessons. Because voice lessons have been immensely frustrating all summer. And then worried that I'm just bridge quitting because I'm frustrated. [00:06:01]

Yeah, doing that whole, well fine then, I give up. I mean in my head that sounds really snotty. I don't know if that came across, so. [00:06:14]

THERAPIST: I think some unwanted feeling.

CLIENT: Yeah. But I mean so my voice instructor keeps saying the same thing every lesson, which is you can't let your larynx pop up. You have to keep it down. [00:06:30]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And she's been getting really frustrated. And she said things that makes me think that she thinks I'm just ignoring her or not paying attention or not listening. [00:06:43]

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Well the thing is I am trying and I have no control over it. Like even when I'm consciously thinking about it and trying to push it down, it still pops up. [00:06:52]

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: And I'm practicing and I'm doing exercises and, and it's not that I'm not listening to her, it's that I really don't know how. And she hasn't been able to give me any mechanical tips for how. Like you know this is what this muscle feels like. Or you know, do this. Like, like specific, like concrete. [00:07:14]

She just says think about keeping it down. Well I am thinking about keeping it down to the point where I'm not thinking about anything else when I sing. And different parts of my technique are, you know, are suffering because of it. So (sigh) it's super frustrating and. [00:07:34]

The thing is everyone in my choir who's taking voice lessons are taking them from her. She directs the choir during the director's sabbaticals which are every five years. You know she's composed music for our choir to sing. Like, I feel like there would be you know, social consequences for me if I was like okay, I'm going to take lessons from someone else because clearly this isn't working. [00:08:03]

(long pause) And then choir is a whole separate story. Choir is off for the summer. We don't sing in the summer, sing in our church. But it's starting up in September which is coming up incredibly quickly. (chuckle) [00:08:28]

But like over the last year it's just become really clear to me, but I sound better in the lower registers then in the higher registers. So I switched parts from singing with the sopranos to singing with the altos. The altos of the group are better singers then the sopranos. They're better listeners then the sopranos. They like they're better at listening to music, and they just chatter less and pay more attention to our choir director then the sopranos do. [00:08:56]

The sopranos are, as a group, incredibly disrespectful and irritating as a group, even though many of them are very good friends of mine and I love them dearly as people. [00:09:06]

But anyway. So the altos listen and pay more attention. And so they hear every time I miss a note. And then they tell me every time I miss a note which the sopranos, like they probably wouldn't even notice. And even if they did know they're not singing the right notes anyway. [00:09:23]

So it's just (pause) much more difficult for me psychologically and emotionally. The same with the altos unlike the sopranos, even though physically the singing is much easier. [00:09:36]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And I'm much more likely to be correct singing in alto line then in a soprano line.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So I don't know. It would free up like two nights a week in my schedule. And I would be able to sleep in an extra hour on Sundays if I just dropped choir and voice lessons. [00:09:54]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: That would you know, because with choir rehearsal it's an hour before church starts and so.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: It would free up so much time in my schedule. But at the same time I really love singing in the choir. And I don't want to give up. And I worry that I'd be quitting just because you know, oh I can't take criticism. You know I'm a special looking snow flake. [00:10:23]

It also doesn't help that I'm the youngest alto by like a good 15 years. And all of the other altos have children my age. (sigh) [00:10:39]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So they treat me in a very maternal, condescending way. But not condescending mean, but you know, they address me the same way they'd address their kids. [00:10:48]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: More as there are many more younger sopranos.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I mean I'm in the middle of the age range for the sopranos. [00:10:58]

THERAPIST: Yes, for the sopranos.

CLIENT: So. So I've been working all summer on trying to expand the top end of my range so I can reasonably hit soprano notes. And certainly choral music, like no one's going to ask you to sing with this operatic fee or anything like that. Probably the highest note we would sing on a regular basis is you know, a G sharp maybe, maybe. Which is beyond my capabilities right now, but. [00:11:38]

THERAPIST: Um-hum.

(very very long pause) [00:12:38]

(continued very long pause) [00:13:11]

THERAPIST: I guess I'm not getting that I mean that so much of this, well it's impossible all around -

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You're schedule's impossible and I understand you have some conflicts.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Quitting something's impossible.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: What your choir director is asking you to do is impossible. Like in your private life it's impossible.

CLIENT: Um-hum.

THERAPIST: Um, (pause) yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. (long pause) And so I worry that like, I'm tempted to quit voice lessons just because it's hard and I don't like hard things. But on the other hand, since I have to quit something, does it really matter if my desire to quit voice lessons is because it's hard, I mean. [00:14:15]

(pause) (sigh) If something has to go, it might as well be the most difficult thing because that will give me the most, you know fair ability to cope that.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Funny, huh?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Huh.

THERAPIST: Yet choir and voice lessons take not just time.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: They're both traumatic

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I guess you get that. You've been working at that.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's further complicated by the fact that my choir director is also my piano instructor. So I don't know, I don't want then to see his disappointed face if I continue piano lessons but drop choir practice. [00:15:00]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I had a piano lesson last night, but I wasn't feeling well.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: The director always wants me to practice more than I do. But he made me sing what I was playing yesterday, which was challenging like both technically and emotionally. Because you know, it just doubles the number of things you have to pay attention to. [00:15:31]

THERAPIST: Oh, like as you're playing.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I, I tried to say no I'm not going to sing. And he was like, well you said that your goal in taking piano lessons was to be able to accompany yourself singing. So you might as well practice the thing you want to do. Well you have a point but, I'm shy about how my voice sounds. And he just (chuckle) gave me this look. Because he's been my choir director for seven years. He's like, I already know what your voice sounds like. [00:16:03]

(big sigh)

(very long pause)

THERAPIST: I guess I wonder if you (sigh) that you set the hole there in that (pause) I imagine you could have anticipated his response to what you had said.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And I'm not doubting that what you told him was true.

CLIENT: Right. [00:17:05]

THERAPIST: Only that you kind of knew he would say something that would make you feel neurotic and ridiculous for the way that you put it.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And so I imagine you were feeling that way before having said it to him, but it kind of externalized.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Something just going on within you.

CLIENT: Hum.

THERAPIST: I don't know. And (pause) I'm not sure but I guess I wonder if a little of that just happened between you and me when I said well gosh this sounds impossible. In a way I wonder if part of how you heard that was well you're impossible and you're making it impossible because you're imposing these dilemmas that clearly have no reasonable solution to them. [00:18:13]

CLIENT: Well I do feel like I've gotten myself like I've dug my own grave here a little bit. I think I you know, made promises to too many people and committed to doing too many things. Like another thing that I'm looking at having to drop is teaching Sunday school. [00:18:33]

THERAPIST: Gosh.

CLIENT: Well yeah. I told the headmaster of the Sunday school, like absolutely I'm free, but it doesn't jam. You know on one level I am. I think I would enjoy it and do well at it. But on the other hand (chuckle) as selfish as this sounds, it's not as high a priority for me as you know having time to spend with my partners or you know, starting this press that I want to launch. [00:18:57]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: That sounds terrible because you know, children are our future and church and these are things that ought to be important to me. And yet I want to have time to go on dates with Ashley. (sigh) [00:19:11]

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: (sigh)

(very very long pause) [00:20:11]

(continued very long pause) [00:21:11]

(continued long pause) [00:21:48]

THERAPIST: What does come to your mind?

CLIENT: (long pause) Well with I think about Ashley and his cat. Which I don't know if I've mentioned that the cat -

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Was diagnosed with cat cancer two Saturdays ago and died last night. [00:22:12]

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Are you sad?

CLIENT: It wasn't my cat.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I in fact have interacted very little with the cat because I'm allergic to the cat.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And so when I go over to visit, Ashley locks the cat in a room that I am not in. [00:22:34]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But yeah, it's been really stressful for him. And he is completely shut down emotionally and shut down communication. I only know what's going on with the cat because his roommate has been blogging about it in great detail, not from Ashley. He said nothing to me about the cat. [00:22:59]

That's a little frustrating, but I mean people deal with crisis in their own way. Certainly given my events he has like shut down communications as soon as I, my stress shirks over the amount I can handle. I have no room to trust him. But [00:23:22]

THERAPIST: Um-hum.

CLIENT: But yeah, I have I have no idea what he's going through because I never had pets. And I've never like one of my friends suggested we'll just think about you know, how you'd feel if it was a person you know. That's how people with pets think about their pets. And I was like but, everyone I've been close to whose died, died suddenly, there was no like protracted illness and nursing the sick person. And trying to make them comfortable and collative care and all of those horrible decisions, but. [00:23:59]

We're getting into an emotional landscape that is entirely unfamiliar to me. And I'm having trouble like, I don't know. Figuring out the right thing to say, or do, or like [00:24:16]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. At least you voiced being insensitive. I mean hold on you're not lowering one too. I mean contemplating not teaching Sunday school.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And being you know you started being upset and a little frustrated with how Ashley had been.

CLIENT: Um-hum. [00:24:59]

THERAPIST: And confused, I don't know what to do. (long pause) Kind of a easy to feel but you know you came up from our talking about how little space you attempt to give yourself, think about that.

CLIENT: Okay.

(very long pause) [00:25:57]

(continued very long pause) [00:26:57]

(continued very long pause) [00:27:34]

CLIENT: Yeah well, a couple of weeks that by the time I get home from you know -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Work or usually the thing I'm doing after work you know, piano lesson and voice lesson and whatever, I'm just too exhausted to do anything creative. Like I haven't touched any of my spinning projects in months probably. Yeah. [00:27:56]

THERAPIST: Um-hum.

CLIENT: But I haven't been going to the gym because there just hasn't been time. And that's actually something I can physically feel the difference and it's very unpleasant. [00:28:10]

Yeah like, stuff has to go because coming home and just being too exhausted to do anything except mindlessly watch TV or play video games was not you know, what I want. In fact I think like my ideal fantasy world, I would come home from work and actually like cook a healthy dinner instead of you know, grabbing a hot dog or a frozen like, TV dinner or something. And then I would you know, practice piano or spin, or you know work on making something until or read a book. I mean I can't remember the last time I actually read a novel as opposed to a magazine or a collection of short stories. [00:29:01]

I just don't have the attention span for full length books right now.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (long pause) So yeah, I don't know. (pause) I'm so deeply jealous of the people who manage to do all the things and not burn out. But I suppose that's a good plan I'm noticing this before I actually burn out and start just you know, randomly skipping commitments and you know, not showing up and not talking to people. [00:29:43]

THERAPIST: True.

CLIENT: I think that's. I usually you know, don't start cutting back until things are well into you know melt down. [00:29:51]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Okay.

(very very long pause) [00:30:51]

(continued very long pause) [00:31:51]

(continued very long pause) [00:32:51]

(continued very long pause) [00:33:40]

THERAPIST: Keeping thoughts to yourself, or?

CLIENT: Yeah. I got distracted by my to do list for the rest of this week.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: (sigh) There's a deadline at work today that I'm completely not prepared for. I have to, any bugs that I want the architecture team to deal with have to be filed today. And I have no idea how to determine whether a problem in my module is something that architecture can fix, or something that I have to fix. [00:34:16]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So I've been avoiding filing bugs because I don't want to look foolish about the usual reasons I avoid things that are hard, that I am sure you are familiar with by now. But like today's the deadline, so if I want architecture to help me in any way, I've got to do it today, so. [00:34:37]

I have sent my architect, my architect – there is you know, generally one to three people in implementation and one to three people in architecture who work on the same module from different directions. [00:34:49]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh

CLIENT: So Brett is the guy who works on -

THERAPIST: Brett?

CLIENT: Hum?

THERAPIST: Brett?

CLIENT: Yeah. Is the guy who works on the branch predict, which is what I work on. So I e-mailed him today you know, can we sit down and talk about things informally tomorrow before the bug filing deadline because if I file bugs, I'll be a friend to you and I'd like to get your opinion, because I don't know what I'm doing. [00:35:14]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: So I'm stressed about that. And then there's I have to get the website for my press up. I've been telling people I would get it up for weeks, and I haven't. And it's not (sigh) there's a scoping problem and then there's a writing problem. [00:35:37]

So you know, I want a fully featured website with all the bells and whistles and I want to write it myself, because damn it, I have a degree in computer science. I should be able to like put together a website without like paying $2,000 for a web deb consultants designing the website. [00:35:54]

So there's some pride going on there. And then also I don't actually understand how the Internet works, because the last time I did anything web related was in 2002. And technology has changed since then [00:36:08]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I have not kept up with the changes.

THERAPIST: Web enhancers will inevitably lose their mind.

CLIENT: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah I was going to go with pneumatic tubes, but sure, with hamster wheels. So there's that. And then I still have to write the content which is scary and terrifying, you know. [00:36:26]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Because people will be reading it and judging me based on it and that's a thing, and. But it's got to get up because I need something to point people at. Because I want to open a call for submissions for the next project I want to edit. [00:36:39]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And I can't do that without you know, -

THERAPIST: A website.

CLIENT: A call for submissions on the web for people to look at. So that's work. And I still have a set of business cards that I owe to someone who contributed to the charity fundraiser last April. So I've got to find time to get to the print shop once you know, it's double plus challenging because I still don't quite feel safe being in the print shop by myself. Which means I have to find someone to go and chaperone. [00:37:04]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: With me. Which means aligning schedules with someone else. And like getting up the nerve to ask people for help, which is really hard for me, and. [00:37:15]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: It's just, it's a mess. And those are just the top three things on the list of shit I need to get done this week. Yeah, I mean it's terrifying. (sigh) [00:37:32]

(very long pause) [00:38:11]

THERAPIST: I do wonder if you're saying more familiar and I don't know, you're acting like comfortable though about the terror, then about -

CLIENT: Right. Well that's a valid point. It is at least a feeling I am familiar with.

(very long pause) [00:39:12]

(continued very long pause) [00:40:11]

(continued long pause) [00:40:24]

THERAPIST: I guess I wondered if there's something, is it that it took me asking you about it for you to tell me what was on your mind.

CLIENT: Um-hum.

THERAPIST: And I wonder too if there is something safer about keeping it to yourself?

(long pause)

CLIENT: Well I think it might just be habit to not talk about things. [00:40:55]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. So what I think is you're suggesting it to cover something.

CLIENT: (Snickering)

THERAPIST: What? I don't know.

CLIENT: (sigh)

(very long pause) [00:41:55]

(continued very long pause)

(yawn) [00:42:55]

(pause)

THERAPIST: Well we are done for today.

CLIENT: Hum.

THERAPIST: See you next week. [00:43:19]

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