TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: I'm sorry I don't think I mentioned that I'm out Monday.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: I know it's late notice.
CLIENT: Memorial Day, right?
THERAPIST: Yeah. I'm good on Tuesday morning.
CLIENT: Okay. Yeah.
THERAPIST: I'm sorry.
CLIENT: Is there any way you could meet on Tuesday like 10 minutes earlier or 15 minutes earlier?
THERAPIST: In general, or just -?
CLIENT: In general.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: If not, I think like I think I'm going to have to work something else out because she can like pick me up from the station, like switch over and I can go from there. But yeah, it will work for me if you can, is all I'm saying.
THERAPIST: It would be better if I could.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Is there any other time that would work? Or nothing earlier than like 6:15 to 7?
CLIENT: I usually don't get back until like 8, actually.
THERAPIST: Oh, wow.
CLIENT: Because she's not back until 7, and so like I'd love taking the 45 minutes for me to get home just because (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Right, right, right. Probably not, but let me think about it.
CLIENT: Okay. I'm (unclear) good today. (Pause) It's very frustrating because like the bus that would be easiest for me to take leaves like just too early and then by the time I get there it's like she just misses her bus and so -
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Our transportation sucks. (inaudible). It's going really well. [00:02:10]
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: The three year old, well she's turning three on Monday Selena (sp?) asked me to come to her birthday party on Sunday, so her parents were like, 'yeah, you should come. Bring your husband.' So I'm not sure whether I will or not, but it's sweet. Yeah, I think I'm going to (inaudible), you know, it's really, really hard, but I also think (inaudible). My knees hurt in the same way that they do (inaudible). Like standing holding the baby. I'm sorry, I'm really hot in here. (inaudible). [00:03:11]
THERAPIST: I mean it sometimes it feels warm and may feel a little muggy in here.
CLIENT: Yeah. I feel like that everywhere I go today, so it's just hot outside and (unclear) and dark.
(Pause): [00:03:35 00:03:57]
CLIENT: My dad called last night to tell me, this is another like bitching about my dad, but he called to tell me that he was doing the baccalaureate service for (unclear) collegiate, which is the school that Jason went to, that I had applied for a position there this year and didn't get it. Obviously. So he was talking to the headmaster and the headmaster is like, 'you have a daughter, don't you?' And oh, yes, she applied for a job here. And like, her resume, it looked good, and blah, blah, blah. And then, he was like, 'yeah, we have a part time position open and I was thinking of her.' And my dad was like, 'oh, she'll definitely be in touch with you.' (Laughing) So he called me to tell me that and like it's one of those things that, like him trying to do right by me or help me out but actually puts me in a really awkward position because like, 'I think you should get in contact with him?' Like what am I going to say? Like, 'thanks for thinking of me for this position, but I'm not going to take it,' when you haven't actually told me you were thinking of me for the position?
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Aw. Frustrated. Like it didn't occur to my dad that I just started a new job. Like I have a job now. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Talking about it to James it devolved into this awkward thing like I think it was I was upset about it and I think it was the sort of thing that he was talking about when he said he didn't feel like that he needed to not be my only supporter.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But he asked me what was wrong so I told him and so I feel like then both of us were kind of were in the situation where I was telling him what was wrong and he was supporting me and neither of us really wanted to be there. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And really, I would have been perfectly willing to nurse this in silence, like that would be fine.
THERAPIST: Right.
(Pause): [00:06:40 00:06:58]
CLIENT: I guess it's just a pattern that's going to be hard for us to get out of, yeah.
(Pause): [00:07:04 00:07:28]
CLIENT: I feel like I should get out of the pattern of telling anybody these small things. Like, I sort of feel weird about telling you about it.
(Pause): [00:07:37 00:07:59]
CLIENT: There's no (Pause) there's no puzzle to be solved here that I can think of. What? (Laughs) I don't need to I feel like, well I don't need to tell anybody about it. I just should not tell anybody about it. (Whispers) But I talk about it. That's all right.
(Pause): [00:08:25 00:08:37]
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:08:35 00:08:48]
THERAPIST: I smiled because you said well there's no puzzle to be solved, like as though that's why -
CLIENT: Why I should just not tell anybody about it?
THERAPIST: No. Why one would tell somebody about something like there's a puzzle to be solved, let's like talk about it and solve it. But I don't think that's the main thing, like at all.
CLIENT: Yeah, but that sort of is, I mean -
(Pause): [00:09:11 00:09:17]
CLIENT: I feel like why else should I tell people and you know, my dad says something that irritates me but (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Well -
CLIENT: I mean, and I know that there are other valid reasons but it's just, that's what I think. That's what -
(Pause): [00:09:17 00:10:20]
THERAPIST: You know, one thing is that I think the reason it irritated you is because he actually hadn't really taken the thought of your having a job and what that meant to you and something characteristic about how he tried to help but his obliviousness made it sort of the opposite. Sort of in a neglectful kind of way not just like it's something he could have known but didn't know. You know? I'm sure somebody told him.
CLIENT: I mean, no I told him I had a job.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Laughing) Every time we've talked for the last three weeks.
THERAPIST: And I guess, you know, it hurts that he didn't pay attention or he didn't take in what you said. I bring that up because I imagine it's kind of the opposite about why you want to tell people, so they know so they take it in. So they can kind of account for where you're at.
(Pause): [00:11:45 00:12:09]
CLIENT: I guess that's what I mean about (unclear) patterns of behavior with James. But like I just because I when I'm upset and I tell him why I'm upset, that doesn't mean he needs to do anything about it. But I think both of us sort of expect him to try to fix it. Even though that's not actually what either of us want at this point.
(Pause): [00:12:43 00:13:24]
CLIENT: I feel like I'm not communicating very well today. Like I'm getting frustrated with myself and I don't know why. It's not always clear why, but it's just not being able to say exactly what I mean.
(Pause): [00:13:44 00:13:57]
CLIENT: It must be due to a lot of frustration in that case. (Unclear) you never say exactly what you mean.
(Pause): [00:14:07 00:15:07]
THERAPIST: I wonder if (Pause) some of it is due to feeling worried or ambivalent about saying what you mean in the way that sort of emphasizes like (unclear) aspects of it or is kind of bid for connecting around what it was like instead of what could be done or figured out. In other words, I know James is kind of like this and but I wonder if you pull for the little bit to like I'm not sure I'm saying like I'm proving this, but like before when you mentioned what your dad did, I think one thing you said it put you in an awkward situation which it did. But I don't know somehow you did say other things, you said like, you said, "It didn't seem to register that you had a job." But that seems closer to the emotional part. I think there's some way you let off the claim of the awkward situation that maybe you said you didn't know what to do. I think there was some of both in there but sometimes there's like a sort of you know, 'I don't know what to do, or how to handle it or what do I do kind,' of side that I can imagine (unclear) sometimes but a more problem-solving response.
CLIENT: I feel like I said, "it put me in an awkward situation," pretty much first and then I was saying what could happen. That wasn't necessarily that wasn't really at all the most important part of it. More like -
THERAPIST: And like what was important about that was like the feeling of awkwardness, not the uncertainty of how to handle it. Like you're giving me this piece to care about that you're kind of annoyed with your dad and hurt. And it felt like, again, he tried to help make things worse.
CLIENT: Yeah. And then I feel like I'm not grateful enough for the help. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:18:19 00:18:23]
CLIENT: That makes sense. And I really don't know how to handle it and that is (Pause) causing me stress, but I think the thing that was most hurtful was that he didn't remember that I had a job or if he did he didn't think it was a job that was important enough to not quit abruptly for a better one.
(Pause): [00:18:56 00:19:38]
CLIENT: I don't know whether this is just in talking to you or whether it's in talking to most people, I expect in talking to most people, but I feel like it's much easier to say it as a 'I don't know how to handle this problem.' And I don't know how to handle these emotions or I have these emotions but did you ever see, "Anchorman"?
THERAPIST: A while ago, yeah. I remember it.
CLIENT: Somehow that (Laughing) 'I'm trapped in a glass cage of emotions,' line (unclear).
THERAPIST: What's the do you know what the setting is?
CLIENT: Somebody hits his dog and he's like it's kind of a ridiculous thing, as always in Will Ferrell's like he's weeping uncontrollably in a glass in a payphone and so he's calling the office "I'm trapped in a glass cage of emotions." It's funny. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And I feel like I just killed all the humor from that scene. (Laughs) Yeah, well, I'm probably thinking of that because I have a tendency to like dismiss my emotions as not important in the same way like, 'oh, that's not important that this guy is grieving about his dog who is, etc.'
THERAPIST: I guess it seems to me that's it's even more particular that you do often feel trapped in what you're feeling because I mean it seems to me, in other words go ahead.
CLIENT: (Laughing) I was just like I don't know.
THERAPIST: Have you (unclear) about the therapy?
CLIENT: (Laughs) No, it's just like such a ridiculous scene, I feel ridiculous talking about it and especially talking about it seriously.
THERAPIST: Right. Yeah, I mean I would probably make something about that, too, you know? Like -
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: It's a little defensive of what you feel.
CLIENT: How do you mean?
THERAPIST: Like how you feel when you have a lot of feelings like you're just ridiculous for it.
CLIENT: Yeah, all the time.
THERAPIST: You're ridiculous, they're ridiculous and it's very uncomfortable to kind of really (unclear) with that. I mean even when you said a minute ago, 'I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them.' That's not why you're talking about your feelings with somebody, so they can tell you how to handle them, like you're like, 'oh, fuck, this happened,' or, 'I'm so upset about this.' You know, like you're leaning on them a little emotionally and I think it's excruciating for you most of the time. And that seems like (whispering), "you're trapped in a glass cage of emotions."
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like in a lot of ways depression is helpless ridiculous in that way. Like what? I became incapacitated, quit my degree, reordered my whole life, was in the hospital for almost a month straight because I had feelings? (Laughs) I don't know what to think about that. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:24:20 [00:24:55]
CLIENT: But it makes it much less terrifying for me not to take it very seriously.
(Pause): [00:25:00 00:25:24]
CLIENT: Belinda Harris sent me an e-mail today asking me if I was going to be in Texas this summer and telling me to come see her, which is sweet.
THERAPIST: Who is she?
CLIENT: Oh, sorry. She's Jerry and Ashley's (sp?) mom. Calls me her third twin.
THERAPIST: Yes. Not very (unclear) boundaries. (Unclear) boundaries (inaudible).
CLIENT: (Laughing) yeah. My first reaction was like, 'No, I'm never leaving Denver again.' Like I'm not traveling anywhere. I'm just going to stay here and just not do anything. (Laughs) I just don't want things to change. (Pause) Although we are going to Delaware next week just to see our friends who are having a baby, or might be because they are supposed to have the baby like now-ish.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: So I think it's -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: James sent an e-mail today. What's going to be easiest for you? Do you actually want us to come? Or because they're kind of particularly the husband is on the volleyball team with James in college and the sort of craziness that you would think that having houseguests with a week-old baby or a wife, who is apt to go into labor at any second, would be just perfect. I don't know. I do want to see them.
(Pause): [00:27:03 00:27:22]
CLIENT: It's funny. They're very dear friends. There aren't many people that I haven't completely forgotten about.
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Since I came back mostly.
THERAPIST: Oh, good.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:27:43 00:27:50]
CLIENT: It was very strange. Just mentioned Cody and Kerry (sp?), visiting them for the first time (unclear) couples. I think when we first talked about visiting them a couple of months ago I was like, 'oh yeah, those people, yeah. They exist.'
(Pause): [00:28:15 00:29:00]
CLIENT: I really don't know what I'm going to do about this job at (unclear). Like I don't I don't know what to think to do.
(Pause): [00:29:10 00:29:22]
CLIENT: I think it's one of the things, whatever I do, I'm going to feel uncomfortable guessing.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:29:25 00:29:49]
THERAPIST: Maybe that's probably why it's nice to have someone else's recommendation because then like you're not entirely alone with this big responsibility or -
CLIENT: Or they often feel uncomfortable and guilty for me that would be great.
THERAPIST: Really. Because you can feel like it's partly on them.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:30:06 00:30:26]
CLIENT: And when there's no obvious right course of action to me, I tend I just want to trust somebody else's opinion. I think it's easier for me to trust that somebody else is right than I don't actually know if that's true. Because, yeah, I have opinions. (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:31:02 00:31:49]
CLIENT: I don't know what to say.
(Pause): [00:31:49 00:32:00]
CLIENT: I don't feel like I should be talking.
(Pause): [00:32:00 00:34:05]
CLIENT: I feel like I'm doing the thing where before I say anything to you, I'm trying to figure out what you're going to say in response, which is you know never very helpful.
(Pause): [00:34:20 00:34:25]
THERAPIST: I wonder if you're reacting a bit to my not me suggesting or asking questions about like what to do with awkward situations. I know you knew I wasn't going to do that.
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah.
THERAPIST: But if you wanted me to and made it pretty clear, or pretty likely to me, you would have wanted that and, or either you were making it kind of clear and I didn't have any go ahead.
CLIENT: I feel like it's more reacting to the "Anchorman" reference for me. I just it feels, it feels like I don't want, I don't necessarily want everything that I say to mean something. I'm having a really hard time talking actually.
(Pause): [00:36:08 00:36:17]
CLIENT: Like you really don't have to think out what the whole sentence is going to be before I say it out loud.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But it's like I know it's very hard for me to talk today.
THERAPIST: Okay.
(Pause): [00:36:31 00:36:53]
THERAPIST: And it seems related somehow to like having it to mean something and I like am (Pause) that happens in an excruciating way like the Anchorman thing?
CLIENT: Yeah. I mean it I don't know if it was it wasn't extra-excruciating, it's more, I don't know. It feels like I make jokes to protect myself and that doesn't work very well with you or it doesn't work on you. And I don't that makes me uncomfortable, I guess.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:38:06 00:38:16]
THERAPIST: So (unclear) protected.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:38:18 00:39:22]
THERAPIST: Yeah I guess it would (inaudible) me off a little bit more when you felt like you wanted to do that.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:39:31 00:40:14]
CLIENT: It's a very strange feeling like it feels like I'm trying to talk and can't.
THERAPIST: It sounds like a pretty specific feeling or experience.
CLIENT: Yes.
(Pause): [00:40:32 00:40:48]
THERAPIST: I wonder if you're really (unclear) that really hurts.
(Pause): [00:40:50 00:41:04]
CLIENT: Yeah. I think I usually am.
(Pause): [00:41:04 00:42:56]
THERAPIST: It seems like it's quite disturbing.
CLIENT: Yeah. It's thrown me for a loop.
(Pause): [00:42:59 00:43:12]
CLIENT: It feels like I get halfway through what I want to say and then I get myself just trailing off or not starting in the first place.
(Pause): [00:43:33 00:43:40]
CLIENT: I don't know.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Unclear) wound up.
THERAPIST: Yeah. As long as I'm having trouble doing something, it usually sucks.
CLIENT: I'm sorry.
THERAPIST: If I'm having trouble doing something, which in a way is a micro-thing.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: It really sucks. I know. Let's do the regular time this Tuesday and I'll see if there's a way I can sort of arrange things in my morning. I'm not sure I would be able to but I'll see.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Okay. Yeah.
END TRANSCRIPT
