TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Okay. So you're good?
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Okay. I think that once (unclear) preschool, I'll end up driving on Tuesdays, which is something. It's I've driven once and it's opposite direction for traffic so it's not bad.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I imagine parking around here would be a (unclear).
CLIENT: Yeah, and I would just walk back to my apartment because it's really easy to find parking around my apartment weirdly, like I wasn't expecting that but yeah, (unclear).
(Pause): [00:00:53 00:01:01]
THERAPIST: Also, I'm sorry about the bill.
CLIENT: Oh yeah, that's right. (inaudible). So, it was a good trip.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: You know, it's sort of odd starting again. You know, like when you go on a weekend trip, it doesn't actually feel like a weekend. (inaudible). They're really good friends like very into us. They seemed very relaxed about it, which is nice.
THERAPIST: That's nice.
CLIENT: Yeah. They were in Ohio where the wife, Kerry (sp?) was director of stocks and bonds (inaudible) and then her advisor moved to Springfield (unclear) and so now they're like half an hour away from her family which is like nice and also bad. (Laughs) So, yeah. While we were there we helped Cody set up the crib because they're calling every other day to ask do you have the crib set up yet and they're like, the baby's not going to sleep in the crib until it's like at least several months old. It's really okay. So they took a picture of us with the crib and set it to them.
(Pause): [00:02:45 00:03:03]
CLIENT: It made me feel the benefits of neglect from my parents like well, (laughs) it wasn't great when I was a kid.
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
CLIENT: But at this point, either that whatever they think is okay is like make comments about my weight for example. Yeah, it's all not that great. (Laughs) It was good for James and I to be able to like we took really long rides together. We talked about his field and what we're going to do after he finishes his degree and where we want to be and what we would want to be doing.
(Pause): [00:03:58 00:04:13]
CLIENT: We pretty much agreed that we don't want to be back in Columbus and we wouldn't want to be in the Midwest.
(Pause): [00:04:20 00:05:06]
CLIENT: It feels like we had some breathing space. And James got to take a couple of days off and that was good.
(Pause): [00:05:14 00:06:01]
CLIENT: I told Cody and Kerry (sp?) about the ECT and we touched on and we talked about that, sure. They just wanted to know about it and asked interesting questions. So we talked.
(Pause): [00:06:25 00:07:01]
CLIENT: I feel like James and I are really worried that I will suddenly get dramatically worse. (Pause) Amazingly enough, James doesn't like it when I make jokes about suicide. (Laughs) And sometimes I forget that. "Oh, sorry. Awe."
(Pause): [00:07:42 00:08:14]
CLIENT: Maybe it's one thing that will be good for a while.
(Pause): [00:08:14 00:09:39]
CLIENT: My roommate finally e-mailed me back.
THERAPIST: From (unclear)?
CLIENT: Yeah. And was like, 'yeah, that sounds great. In like July she's going to come. I don't know, I just think we're sort of on the same page. You're a nice person whom I like and we're probably not going to be friends. I'm pretty okay with that.
(Pause): [00:10:09 00:10:27]
CLIENT: I was thinking, she takes a lot of work. She probably feels the same way about me.
THERAPIST: She takes a lot of work?
CLIENT: It takes a lot of work to be her friend.
THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. I see.
(Pause): [00:10:35 [00:11:05]
CLIENT: It's good to be around friends.
(Pause): [00:11:05 00:11:20]
CLIENT: James tends to like he feels like he doesn't make friends easily. And I feel like it's easy for me to make friends but I tend to make friends with people who are kind of like take a lot of work for me and that's not ideal. I don't have a lot of friends right now have a lot of friends here.
(Pause): [00:11:52 00:12:09]
CLIENT: Cody, Kerry's husband, he talks so much. Like so much. He just talked for 48 hours. It's amazing. I'd go to bed and he'd be talking and I'd get up and he'd be talking and he talked it's great.
(Pause): [00:12:30 00:12:41]
CLIENT: It's not like he's talking about the same things. He just has a lot of ideas.
(Pause): [00:12:41 00:13:05]
CLIENT: I don't know what to talk about.
(Pause): [00:13:06 [00:13:34]
CLIENT: So I feel like if I hold my nose just so, everything will be okay.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: It isn't like (inaudible).
THERAPIST: What were you going to say?
CLIENT: (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:13:41 00:13:56]
THERAPIST: (inaudible) here is that you're not sure it will be the right thing?
CLIENT: Yeah a little bit. I was pretty bad a few weeks ago like just beginning of the weekend I was real sad and I'm not right now and so. I'm just babbling on.
THERAPIST: Yeah. But I also imagine that you are quite worried that even if you feel like you're feeling like you're leaving (unclear) a lot of high moral you know what I mean?
CLIENT: Yeah. You know. That happens sometimes.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:14:50 00:15:14]
THERAPIST: Are you sure that's just the right thing you could say?
CLIENT: Yeah, the stuff I can't figure out what that is. But that's okay.
(Pause): [00:15:23 00:15:55]
CLIENT: It seems like, you know, it seemed like (unclear) that's all. They just seem (unclear) which partially I think is right and partially is really anxious. So well, I better not mess with anything.
(Pause): [00:16:25 00:17:07]
CLIENT: Yeah, I don't know at what point I start feeling safe.
(Pause): [00:17:10 00:17:42]
CLIENT: I think it would be more like must I start feeling safe then more that I forget that I'm not safe? And I'm not (inaudible).
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:18:00 00:18:30]
CLIENT: It's not that recognizing that I'm not safe doesn't begin to protect me or anything like that.
(Pause): [00:18:32 00:19:02]
THERAPIST: I don't think (unclear) like in that if you're sort of blindsided in the same way and you can look out for it and prepare yourself for it a little bit better.
CLIENT: (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:18:55 00:19:31]
THERAPIST: (inaudible) things are getting really bad.
(Pause): [00:19:26 00:19:54]
CLIENT: What you said to him last week was very helpful.
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Yeah. What's going on with James is also not monolithic.
(Pause): [00:20:03 00:20:54]
CLIENT: Speaking of safe a story from my childhood. My grandparents I might have told you this story already? My grandparents lived in this nice big old cabin, not really a cabin, but like a wood house on (unclear). And as they got older, they were really, I suspect they were really never much for cleanliness, based on the way I was raised, my standards from (unclear) are different from other peoples, as I have learned. Like soap is necessary. Ah, good to know. So like -
THERAPIST: These are your grandparents?
CLIENT: Yeah. They never really like nothing ever got clean. There was a like a film of grease on all their clean dishes and like all of their food would go bad in the fridge, like they just left it there. They probably shouldn't have been living there by themselves but like no one was going to tell them what to do.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: So I was like 10 or so and we were visiting and we had a friend of the family visiting us who had never been there before so he was trying to make coffee and like where is the coffee pot and he pulled some milk from the fridge and turned and said, 'is this safe?' And we were like, 'nothing's safe.' (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:22:20 00:22:39]
CLIENT: I'm not telling some of my dad's favorite stories about his parents at this point. Or about our interactions with his parents.
(Pause): [00:22:43 00:23:11]
CLIENT: (inaudible) did not eat anything the whole trip. We'd like bring food every time we came.
(Pause): [00:23:22 00:23:39]
THERAPIST:
CLIENT: (Unclear) was maybe four or five and maybe a little bit older but not much and being there during daffodil season and they had like thousands of daffodils and I just picked them all, I just picked all of them and put them all over the house and they were totally fine with that.
(Pause): [00:24:08 00:25:29]
CLIENT: I ended up talking about family with Kerry. I think Kerry's family is driving Cody kind of nuts. I think venting to us was a way of continuing to be gracious to them. (Laughs) We're safe people. (Pause) You know, they're thinking a lot about family, about to have a kid. Thinking about them. (Pause) (Unclear) a little sad. James and I are so far from that (inaudible) don't necessarily have to (inaudible).
THERAPIST: (Unclear).
CLIENT: Yeah. We're just not ready to have a kid. (Pause) I think both of us would like to be -
(Pause): [00:26:57 00:28:01]
THERAPIST: Do you have something else that your depression has a hand in that's not working out for the time being?
(Pause): [00:28:04 00:28:27]
CLIENT: Yeah. I really can't take care of James right now.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Can't take care of a child. And also, more broadly, I mean, I can really see the ways that the crazy has been passed down through the generations to me and like I don't know how to make it stop.
(Pause): [00:28:49 -
THERAPIST: What do you mean?
CLIENT: Like both sides of my grandparents is nuts. Or were. You know. Yeah. Pretty unhappy and made their kids pretty unhappy and now I'm pretty unhappy. I don't know how you stop that.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: I had a Facebook encounter with my aunt who is my mom's sister who was a psychologist even who moved to Utah to be an artist. She's nuts. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: I never said you weren't. (Laughs)
CLIENT: (Laughs) I try to avoid talking about psychology with her. She always ends up talking about (unclear). That's just not helpful for me.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know in some ways it makes sense growing up in the household she did of course she's a psychologist. (Laughs) How the fuck else do you figure this shit out? (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:30:33 00:31:01]
CLIENT: I really want to have a family. I want to have children.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:31:02 00:31:11]
CLIENT: In a lot of ways, I think I'd be really good at it.
(Pause): [00:31:12 00:31:57]
THERAPIST: I think there are a lot of things that you've learned about here are the sorts of things that can kind of help stop the buck, you know?
CLIENT: Like now? (inaudible). I mean I don't mean that I'm being actually (cross talk) when I said that. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:32:22 00:32:33]
CLIENT: I feel like the more I sort of get better whatever that looks like I just feel like the pressure's on to be well.
(Pause): [00:32:44 00:33:59]
THERAPIST: Yeah, it does seem to me that you're sort of walking along the edge of a cliff here and if you say the wrong thing or if I say the wrong thing it's going to kind of push you off. You're like the (unclear) and the (unclear) who had better do it just right, and maybe me, too, or something disastrous is going to happen.
CLIENT: And when you say that I think, 'that's too much pressure for Chad.' (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:34:44 [00:34:51]
THERAPIST: As long as we're clear whom we're looking out for here.
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah.
(Pause): [00:34:54 00:35:21]
CLIENT: I know I'm never going to (unclear). I know that. I just can't stop both trying and feeling like it's vitally important that I do.
(Pause): [00:35:30 00:35:50]
THERAPIST: It is kind of accurate in a way or I mean, representative that you would be worried about what will happen to me and the pressure that's on me in the same way as that's in one of your chief worries about things getting really bad again as to James and how you would do and the two of you would do and where that would leave you.
(Pause): [00:36:20 00:36:33]
CLIENT: (inaudible).
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:36:37 00:36:52]
CLIENT: Like you and James always have the option of leaving and never feeling pressured.
THERAPIST: (Pause) You mean (unclear) to you?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:37:05 [00:37:22]
THERAPIST: Have you thought about (inaudible)?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:37:26 [00:37:35]
CLIENT: I have. Well -
(Pause): [00:37:36 00:37:59]
CLIENT: (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:37:59 00:38:19]
CLIENT: Behind this I feel that he can have a better life without me. And for me when I think about James leaving me, I just can't handle it at all. There's nothing after that.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:38:41 00:39:05]
THERAPIST: I feel that a part of you is feeling really, really bad.
CLIENT: Yeah, probably.
THERAPIST: And that maybe we're talking about it as though things are okay and you could go back there, but your thoughts I guess about James are really in both places.
(Pause): [00:39:29 00:39:35]
THERAPIST: (inaudible)?
CLIENT: Yeah, it does. (Pause) ((inaudible).
THERAPIST: I know.
CLIENT: (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:39:44 00:40:04]
CLIENT: I feel like when I'm worried about things getting bad, I feel like things could be bad tomorrow or even today and like gaa.
(Pause): [00:40:13 00:40:20]
THERAPIST: You getting pretty close to the feeling that James and I would be better off without out you.
(Pause): [00:40:27 00:40:34]
CLIENT: But I'm not sure that I would ever leave James. I feel like, at least now, that if you pushed me hard I would always say that.
(Pause): [00:40:49 00:40:57]
THERAPIST: Well, that strikes me as a pretty upset, depressed thought and feeling.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:41:02 -[00:42:12]
CLIENT: Yeah, but sometimes that is a lot (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:42:16 00:42:40]
CLIENT: Sometimes the attitude that people would be better off without me just gets immediately answered by, you know, 'that's not the way things are,' and, 'I'm glad you're in my life,' and, "so it will be okay.' (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:43:00 00:43:52]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) when you feel that way you have your feelings are mixed about having (unclear) anyway in that for him it can be (unclear) in taking care of you in certain ways and the other having to worry about us how you're doing, when we're going to leave, what that you're feeling were not going to be able to put up with.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Whatever (unclear).
(Pause): [00:44:33 00:44:44]
THERAPIST: But if you're going to stay it's going to really hurt whether we (unclear) that way or not.
(Pause): [00:44:50 00:45:08]
CLIENT: Yeah, I worry about -
(Pause): [00:45:08 [00:45:16]
CLIENT: I worry about people getting hurt by me. You know I think when I was thinking about suicide a lot, at least part of it was at least I won't have to see it when I. (inaudible) inevitable having to see it or -
THERAPIST: We should stop.
END TRANSCRIPT
