TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: I just, like, just walked back from getting my hair cut. I went to... So I went to the same stylist that I had eight months ago which is the last time I got my haircut and it was just a very funny thing. She's just very cheerful and bubbly and I'm very cheerful and bubbly. I feel like that's to be expected of me. And she's like, "Hey, how have you been?" I'm like, "Well, you know, it's been an interesting six months. How have you been?" She's like, "Yeah, I've been up and down also." And so we're chatting in this very cheerful bubbly way and she's like, "Yeah, well, you know, by boyfriend of five years cheated on me and stole a bunch of stuff and now we're broken up." (LAUGHTER) It's like, "Yeah, well, I was unemployed for six months because of medical issues and lost all my memory. So, it's not great." (LAUGHTER) It was a funny context. [00:01:11]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But I got a haircut, thank goodness. And (inaudible at 00:01:19) sent me a bag for my birthday which was very nice.
THERAPIST: When was your birthday?
CLIENT: What?
THERAPIST: When was your birthday?
CLIENT: It was like ten days ago.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: And, you know, true Timpleton (ph) style, a couple days late.
THERAPIST: It's fine as long as you don't miss it.
CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER) Jason (ph) picked out the colors or they picked them out together. And I really like most pinks but I don't really like two pinks together very much. I feel like they work better separately than together. But he was really excited about it. I'm really happy about that. And also I actually had really wanted one of these bags literally since I was in high school.
THERAPIST: Oh wow. [00:02:01]
CLIENT: Yeah. I'm not sure why I never got one because they're not like very expensive. I just never did. Yeah. It's a good thing.
THERAPIST: Yeah. (inaudible at 00:02:21) the other bag.
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) Yeah. You know, great to have a bag that I'm carrying all purpose. Yeah. (PAUSE) Other than that, the last couple of days have been pretty rough except for the last like three hours.
(PAUSE) [00:03:00]
THERAPIST: I'm sorry.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Let me talk about some schedule and stuff first.
CLIENT: Oh yeah.
THERAPIST: Let's just do this from the beginning. So I'm out July 5th.
CLIENT: Okay.
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: And I don't have the next two Wednesdays.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:03:39) and then the third. But then I've got the rest of them in July if you want them.
CLIENT: Okay thanks.
THERAPIST: I don't remember if you said you...
CLIENT: I do.
THERAPIST: I think you didn't know yet.
CLIENT: Yeah. I know now.
THERAPIST: That's fine.
CLIENT: Okay. Thanks. So that would be the tenth, the seventeenth, the twenty fourth, and the thirty first.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Okay. I'm going to e-mail (inaudible at 00:04:01) and see what she tells me. [00:04:03]
THERAPIST: Sure.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) I'm not sure what she will be able to do.
THERAPIST: Okay.
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) I guess this might be exactly the same thing I said last week but I feel like job hits are both harder and more rewarding the longer I do it. (SIGH) (PAUSE) You know, it's like the kids are so great. We have so much fun and they're wonderful and like the baby smiles when she sees me now which is a big deal. You know? [00:05:11]
THERAPIST: She does?
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the kids will be like, "If you want, you can eat dinner with us. You can come home and have dinner with us." I'm like, "Oh, okay." "Why don't you spend the night?" (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: "You shouldn't go home."
THERAPIST: No. (LAUGHTER)
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) They're like, "We have a spare room." "Aww, thanks guys."
THERAPIST: Yeah. That's pretty cool.
CLIENT: Yeah. It's really cool. Yeah. And, yeah. But it is exhausting. [00:06:01]
(PAUSE)
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. It's like I came home from work yesterday and starting like really, really crying over shoes, I think. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. I think (inaudible at 00:06:31) tired. (PAUSE) It's hard for me to think of it as like, as something that I'll still be doing next week or like it's hard for me to think of it as like a job that will still be there in a month. [00:07:05]
You know, it's not... I don't think it's because I don't want to be doing it in a month. I think it's just (PAUSE) hard for me to imagine that things will get stable or I don't think that things are stable.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) Which, you know, is probably good for now while James (ph) looking for a job. I feel like... Well, I'll probably be here next month but I might not be here next month. [00:08:05]
That is hard. Like I don't... (PAUSE) I can't really talk to James about being stressed out by the fact that I don't know where we'll be in six months because he is stressed out about that also. You know, I don't think it would be any feeling that's putting adverse pressure on him to say, "Oh, by the way, your job search is detrimental to me." But it's really hard.
(PAUSE) [00:09:00]
CLIENT: I had to have a physical today (inaudible at 00:09:49) Yeah.
(PAUSE) [00:10:00]
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) The... (PAUSE) You know, so like you go in and there's like an intake with the nurse or whoever and then they like hand you a gown and then they leave and then the doctor comes in and like does the pelvic exam. I realized as I was changing, I was like, "Wow, this moment of like, 'Here, put on these strange clothes and sit here and wait for us to do weird things to your body that you don't really want.' Like I'm very good at this." (LAUGHTER) Like, "This feels remarkably familiar." But I don't know. I like my doctor.
(PAUSE) [00:11:00]
CLIENT: I just... (PAUSE) Yeah. I didn't like that. She asked about my (inaudible at 00:11:19) And lie I wasn't expecting that. I didn't... I don't think it threw me that much. I sort of... Yeah. (inaudible at 00:11:41) (PAUSE) She said, "So are you feeling better about yourself?" [00:11:57]
And I said, "That's a complicated question." And she kind of laughed and said, "Yeah, okay." (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) Yeah. I feel like the sorts of concern that she's trying to show if I were in a different place or different mood would really hit me in the wrong way. But today, at least, I kind of absorbed it better. I was like, "She's really trying to... She's trying to express concern. She's just necessarily very good at it." Yeah. (PAUSE) Yeah.
(PAUSE) [00:13:00]
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) "Are you feeling better about yourself now?" (LAUGHTER) I said I was feeling better now but I thought feeling better about myself was going to be a bit of a longer process. (PAUSE) Yeah. I guess all of today is like that, like things that would be much, things that would have been much harder on me, like... (SIGH) [00:14:01]
In a different time or at a different... I ran into my friend from the coffee shop, Tamara (ph) when I was going to get my hair cut. And then she was about to start a shift so I went in a got a cup of tea and chatter a bit with her after the haircut. I wouldn't be able to do that. But it was okay. Yeah. So I'm going to go get a drink with her on Monday. She's leaving the coffee shop finally which is awesome, starting... (PAUSE) I don't remember exactly what she's starting but it's some children's counseling program in the city. So, yeah. She's starting something that she actually wants to be doing. That's really cool.
THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:14:59]
CLIENT: So this guy, this guy from Brown I did some like copy, did some editing work for him at some point. But I don't remember any more but I think I helped him edit his dissertation.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Somebody who's like an acquaintance, not... He does like contemporary Yiddish literature (inaudible at 00:15:37)
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: He put on Facebook, "All of my friends from Andover are leaving. So I'm looking to be set up with new friends." So I (inaudible at 00:15:51) I was like, "We should be friends and hang out." (LAUGHTER) So we're going to do that.
(PAUSE) [00:16:00]
CLIENT: Which is very scary for me. But... (PAUSE) But I think that's what I'm ready for. (PAUSE) You know, if I don't push it too hard, it kind of topples the whole structure. (SIGH)
(PAUSE) [00:17:00]
CLIENT: I guess this is probably a both end rather than either or but I feel like I'm not sure whether the point of what I'm doing here is to figure out what puts me in crisis so I can protect myself better or get used to the idea that I can't protect myself better. [00:18:05]
(PAUSE) [00:19:00]
THERAPIST: The question seem to be to me (inaudible at 00:19:51) a way of dealing with sort of the being anxious about the ambiguity here. [00:20:01]
In other words, not being sure what the point is.
CLIENT: Yeah. That makes me...
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:20:15) get a hold of it makes you worry. I don't think that's true of all questions. But maybe this question and some others I think maybe (inaudible at 00:20:45) move towards something didactic.
CLIENT: Didactic on my part or on your part?
THERAPIST: Like I will teach you something about what this is.
CLIENT: Well, that would certainly be much more comfortable for me. (LAUGHTER) [00:21:03]
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. I feel like I do that a lot. I feel like I only notice I do it because I only notice when you push back against that. But I can't think of any specific example other than right here. (PAUSE) Yeah.
(PAUSE) [00:22:00]
THERAPIST: I guess also you (inaudible at 00:22:55)
CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) [00:23:01]
THERAPIST: All of which you're anxious (ph) about, really. The doctor was sort of like resilient in a way that you felt at the doctor too. And I imagine you are also worried that like... I mean, you sort of feel a sense of fragility over this. You're pleased with it but you're wary. And also you're worried that I'm going to knock it down somehow or saying something that's going to make it or hurt your feelings (inaudible at 00:24:11) [00:24:17]
And with your question, you're not sure if you, you're not sure how to protect yourself or sort of... Well, I don't know. It can be difficult (inaudible at 00:24:43)
(PAUSE) [00:25:00]
CLIENT: Sorry. (PAUSE) I don't know if I'm thinking less clearly than usual or if I'm just less able to start talking before I figure out what I want to say.
(PAUSE) [00:26:00]
CLIENT: I don't know. In some ways I feel like I am (SIGH) I feel like I'm excited about all of this new stuff and I sort of see myself jumping back into this pattern of (inaudible at 00:26:41) with highs that like...
(PAUSE) [00:27:00]
CLIENT: You know, in the past when I've been doing really well, I didn't... (PAUSE) I feel like in some ways my doing well and feeling good about where my life was sort of rested on not noticing that I had a pattern of having that sort of crash after a while and so I... It's sort of like the more I, the more good things happen and the more I feel like I'm moving toward a good place, the more anxious I am about not being able to protect that. And so, in some ways, like today, I sort of showed up and was like, "Wow, I'm in a very good mood." [00:28:01]
And then kind of immediately thought, "Yeah, but I'm not..." It's like I'm not in a really good mood all the way through and so maybe I want to talk about that.
(PAUSE) [00:29:00]
CLIENT: I don't want to... (PAUSE) I don't... (PAUSE) I don't know. I don't want to ignore... (SIGH) [00:30:01]
On the one hand, like, I don't want to be happy in a way that's founded on delusion and on the other hand, I don't want worrying about the future inevitable crash to keep me from actually being happy.
(PAUSE) [00:31:00]
CLIENT: In terms of like saying things that push you into a didactic role, I wonder how much of that is feeling like... (SIGH) This is less interesting than what's in my head. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I... (SIGH) See like, if I can just [phrase the question exactly right, maybe I can understand it better.
(PAUSE) [00:32:00]
THERAPIST: Do you mean (inaudible at 00:32:09) pushing me into a didactic role but rather that you're framing the questions in a way that helps you think about them?
CLIENT: Yeah but I think that those are connected also in a way that (inaudible at 00:32:31) Yeah. A lot of times when I have trouble talking in here I think it's because I'm revising and revising and revising before I can say something.
(PAUSE) [00:33:00]
CLIENT: You know, I do like... (PAUSE) I don't know. I feel like I regret it when I don't revise. You know, like I'll say things that I imagine will be hurtful to you or that I don't feel like, or actually what I mean and (inaudible at 00:33:45) Plus I just hate it when I say things and I imagine it would be hurtful to you.
(PAUSE) [00:34:00]
CLIENT: Yeah. I sort of... I'm not intending this to be a question for you but I wonder a lot about how you protect yourself in your job.
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: I see. I must get hurt all the time.
(PAUSE) [00:35:00]
THERAPIST: I'm thinking maybe you're feeling a little safer here, maybe a little sturdier.
CLIENT: Yeah. I'm telling you about these things. (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. And not having to keep it (inaudible at 00:35:47) Like what you were saying just prior to this about, you know, not wanting to be happy with something deluded or unable to be happy anticipating the crash. [00:36:09]
CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) That's sort of like what we talked about trust a while back. I would have said I felt really safe here after like the first couple of weeks. So I sort of... (PAUSE) I don't know. But I think you're right.
THERAPIST: That's good. [00:37:01]
CLIENT: You weren't planning on leaving private practice in the next six months are you? Okay. just checking. (LAUGHTER) That was mostly a joke. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) It wasn't really a joke. (LAUGHTER)
THERAPIST: Are you pretty scared about that? Like I guess there's something scary about (inaudible at 00:37:51)
CLIENT: No. Just... I don't know. [00:38:03]
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:38:05) it's going to get taken away.
CLIENT: Yeah. Like I have this job that I really like with people that I really like. I don't expect that it will last long.
(PAUSE)
THERAPIST: I think you're feeling a little safer around here (inaudible at 00:39:07) worry.
CLIENT: Yeah. [00:37:11]
(PAUSE) [00:40:00]
CLIENT: This is kind of like weird push back feeling where I sort of say to myself, "Well, because that anxiety is pathological. Therefore, these bad things that you're afraid of won't happen." But like that doesn't actually follow either. (LAUGHTER) So... I don't know what to do. (PAUSE) Yeah. I feel like I'm sort of trying to get used to constantly like staring down the barrel. I'm not sure that metaphor is going anywhere. But staring into that awful thing you're afraid of might actual happen. [00:41:19]
I just... I have to make that okay somehow. (PAUSE) I know that like people do that. I know that, you know, actually driving on the interstate is a pretty good metaphor. I don't... I'm like... I'm mostly... I have to stare at it every time. Every time I get into the car it's the most dangerous part of my life. Like that is the most dangerous thing I do every day and I do it and I'm okay with that.
THERAPIST: We should probably stop. I'll see you on Monday.
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