TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Are they expecting them at all?
CLIENT: I don’t think the kids are. I told Monica [ph?] that this was what I was doing, but I haven’t [inaudible] the kids. My original goal was to make those hats that have the scarves that come down and have little pockets, but that ended up being a lot more time. And they’re actually… it was fun to figure out how to do it but the knitting itself was really boring. (pause) I tend to be interested in a project about… until I can figure out what it’s going to look like, and then I’m done, which is not really good. [1:17] (pause) So I spent a lot of time yesterday sort of being very hard on myself and getting very angry at myself. And (pause) I don’t know, eventually I was like well, yeah, I think I’m just really sad and lonely, and it’s easier to be angry at myself than to be sad. [2:27] (pause) I thought about Dan [ph?] a lot yesterday. (pause) Started rewatching Downton Abbey. It’s just as good as I remember it being. [4:40] I stopped it to tell James a funny part and he laughed, and he was like you also found that funny a year ago when you watched it for the first time, which is not really surprising. (pause) Yeah, I was about as connected yesterday to other people as I generally am. I talked with [inaudible] some and I talked to Amanda some, and I sent Jerry [ph?] an e-mail. She is having to have some, I think, painful confrontations with the other members of the company that she’s a member of. I guess she’s basically being shut out. And that’s pretty shitty. [6:55] Yeah, James and I talked. Yeah, I don’t know. James and I ended up having a pretty silly conversation about baby names when we were… as we were both going to bed and sort of sleepy. I’d read an article about how to name your baby, mostly because it was on Facebook and I was bored. And there is… apparently there’s a site you can go to where you type in a name and it shows you a chart of the popularity of a name over the last century, which is endlessly amusing. So we sort of talked about that. And my family has four family names that they just name everybody the same names. So there’s nine Wes’s and Jason’s and Ulysses’ [ph?] and Oliver’s. [8:21] And James hates all of these names, and I know that, and I was just messing with him. I don’t know, but we had this conversation and, I don’t know (pause) and I’m sort of embarrassed to be talking about this conversation that I had with my husband about what to name our imaginary children when we have them, which why would I be embarrassed about that, but I (pause) I don’t know.
THERAPIST: Well one possibility that comes to me is that it was an intimate conversation and the (pause) you have a feeling that that sort of opens you up to my criticism or disinterest. [9:57]
CLIENT: I don’t think that’s what it is. (laughter) I mean I am, I don’t know, I just don’t know if we’re ever going to have that ever. I feel like I, at some point, used to be… I mean certainly when we got married, that’s sort of why I married him. I just felt extremely secure with James. I know what our… I know what we are together and that’s not going to change. And I know he still loves me and…
THERAPIST: [inaudible] kind of double [inaudible] for things to get much less secure with him in that… it sucks in the first place but also undermines something that you quite specifically found really important and reassuring about being with him in the first place. [11:36]
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, it feels like I’m just always anxious with him, a little bit, because I always feel like (pause) yeah, I feel like I have to do some set of things to sort of hold us together or hold him up [inaudible] or that’ll be it; he’ll leave. But that’s really new, or relatively new. [13:03] (pause) So then to add to that last night, and he sort of tries to take care of me and I get anxious about that. And yeah, [inaudible] (pause) I don’t know, I’m thinking about moving [ph?] this engagement ring. So I texted Amanda and James’s mom to say we found it. And Amanda I told about it and James’s mom, I just assumed he had told about it. But no, no, she was like oh, I’m so glad. And then later he was like did you tell her that you’d lost that? I was like no, I just assumed you did. He said well… he said I wasn’t sure that it was gone yet. I hadn’t given up yet. [15:07] I don’t know, generally the whole time… the whole month we were looking at it, 20 days, I was sort of (pause) I both sort of couldn’t believe it was gone and I also couldn’t believe that we would ever get it back at the same time. (pause) Yeah, I guess sort of the same thing with James. I both can’t believe that… it’s not as if he’s gone but I feel like the security that I have with him is gone. [16:33] (pause) And I’d get that back and (pause) I don’t know, I sort of feel like I’m talking around something. I can’t really… I don’t really have much to say about it but I can’t let it go. And so I don’t know, I’m getting frustrated for myself. Part of it is some of the stuff I really wanted to talk to you about last night and it is not… it doesn’t feel as urgent now, or I don’t quite remember what I wanted to talk about.
THERAPIST: Is some of what you feel you’re circling around just how awful it is that that sense of security is gone, or eroded? [18:49]
CLIENT: I don’t know. I feel like (pause) I’m not sure this is quite it but it sort of feels like because I don’t feel secure in James, I don’t feel secure in anybody. And it’s feeling really lonely. [ph?] (pause) But I don’t know what to say about that. [21:57] (pause) I’m trying to sort of [inaudible] trying to just say that I feel sad and lonely, but I’m not [inaudible] all of the other things I say to myself to distract myself from that. But (pause) And I’m stuck [inaudible] (pause)
THERAPIST: Are you… maybe you’re worried that you’ll have a hard time handling it if you talk and think about how lonely and insecure you’re feeling. [28:53] Maybe a bit while you’re here but maybe especially after we’re done.
CLIENT: I don’t know. (pause) It’s sort of a strange thing that I come in here and I talk and when I leave I just sort of have to put everything away.
THERAPIST: It’s a completely strange thing. I [inaudible]
CLIENT: And I’m pretty good at that but I don’t think it’s necessarily good for me. [29:54] Sort of the opposite happened yesterday in couples counseling. I was pretty sad in the morning and just sort of woke up sad and also anxious about it. And James could tell when we were driving over but he didn’t really say anything about it. And then we got there and I was like okay, time to do this now. And I mentioned that I had been sad to Dr. Jannis. [ph?] He was like what? He just can’t tell. Yeah, I don’t know. But it makes continuity hard. It does. (pause) It sort of feels like living out of a suitcase, if that makes sense. In some ways. Once you put everything away you don’t want to take it all out again. (pause) I don’t know, I worry that it’s not fair to you to just come and be sad. [32:00] And yeah, then I’ll stop worrying about it.
THERAPIST: I’m fine.
CLIENT: Maybe rather being preconvinced that it’s not fair to you.
THERAPIST: It’s burdensome to me.
CLIENT: Yeah, to… but most of the time, even when I’m by myself, even when James’s left the apartment, I can’t. It’s like I can tell I’m sad somewhere but [inaudible] It’s always like yesterday was better than other days because I could just be sad. (pause) Sorry. [33:31]
THERAPIST: Is your… I wonder if you’re thinking about the unfairness to me is that if you sort of dump all this in my lap I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and then you would leave and leave me with it. [33:57]
CLIENT: No, I guess I just really don’t want to be boring. Or it’s like, yeah, I really worry about that a lot, actually. (pause) [inaudible] sort of [inaudible] James sort of got frustrated. We already talked about these things and we dealt with them, and now they’re happening again. And why is that the… I just feel like I’ve been circling through the same things over and over. It keeps being present for me but it doesn’t seem fair to you.
THERAPIST: [inaudible]
CLIENT: Yeah, you or anybody else. [35:15] (pause) I guess I feel like if I’m boring [inaudible] (pause)
THERAPIST: I imagine you’re also… you’re pretty bored and frustrated by coming back to these things again and again. [36:51]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Again, it isn’t [inaudible] that I will be, but for sure you are.
CLIENT: I guess I sort of have this fantasy that eventually I’ll be able to… once I figure something out I shouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. (pause) And I just keep having (pause) But at the same time, I don’t know, I feel like in some ways if I stopped having to deal with it I wouldn’t recognize myself anymore. (pause)
THERAPIST: Oh, sorry. [39:28]
CLIENT: It’s okay. (pause) Yeah, it sort of feels like one of those dreams where you keep coming back to the same place even though you keep moving and you keep trying to find something else, and you keep ending up back in the same spot. [40:32]
THERAPIST: [inaudible]
CLIENT: [inaudible] I’m out of ideas. I don’t know what to do next. (pause) And then I start to think, what, is this just going to be my life? Is this just going to be forever? [42:01] And I guess I could handle that but it seems pretty bleak. (pause)
THERAPIST: [inaudible]
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