TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Is it too sunny over there?

CLIENT: No, I'm fine.

THERAPIST: So I have some bad news about your insurance, which is that they're going to switch to only supporting once a week. I had two calls with them, the more recent one yesterday, where I talked to a physician (inaudible 00:19) for 20, 25 minutes. And (pause), you know, was clear and emphatic about things you had been through. About (pause), you know, both, like, the recent state of awfulness and the way, you know, when in some ways things are going better, like, sort of overall with work, as far as I know, and being involved in activities you like and friends you like [and stuff] (ph). And they basically said, "Well, doesn't sound like she's in acute crisis," by which I think they meant, you know, on the verge of needing to go to the hospital. So, you know, "According to our guidelines, you know, we're authorizing once a week, not twice."

CLIENT: Well, that sucks.

THERAPIST: Yeah. It seems I mean, clearly, it's the switch to the new insurance. [It might be the] new insurance. I mean, these days -

CLIENT: Well, this is actually my insurance, not his (ph).

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. Is most (pause) (inaudible 01:47) any other plans, in which you're not in network, they'll do a review like this and blend (ph) the treatment. That's rare. [I don't know] (ph) if there's any way to switch at some point. That would probably go away.

CLIENT: Right. Dave's plan is not, unfortunately. If it were, we would have gone with that. But… THERAPIST: Yeah. Is it -

CLIENT: But at this point, we couldn't switch on to it until open enrollment, so….

THERAPIST: Right. So I'm sort of (inaudible 02:40). I don't know that there is.

CLIENT: Well, I understand. I'll have to, like, look at budget and see what I can do.

THERAPIST: Sure. (Pause) Yeah, I'm not exactly sure when they're sort of putting that in place. But (pause) yeah, (inaudible 03:19) that we should talk about.

CLIENT: That's kind of crappy.

THERAPIST: It's really crappy.

(Silence)

CLIENT: What is your rate for -

THERAPIST: My rate is 180, so I think with the recording and the, like, additional five bucks, (laughter) it would leave you with 75 (inaudible 04:18) a second time.

CLIENT: Okay.

(Silence)

CLIENT: There's quite a lot on my mind that I'd like to talk about, and I'm having trouble, like, figuring out where to start because it's far more than can be covered in a single hour, even if I hadn't been ten minutes late. Like, there's work stuff and there's relationship and friendship stuff. And, yeah. [00:06:35]

THERAPIST: That's a lot of stuff.

CLIENT: Yeah, it is. Yeah. And stuff that I don't really know how to categorize or label. (Pause) Yeah, so Jodie (sp?), who is the friend of mine who is dating Tom, contacted me yesterday. She's been kind of passing messages to me from him, which (sighs) I don't know. I asked him not to communicate with me, and he does. (Sighs) Not communicate with me directly, but and I don't know how much of it is he's asking her to tell me stuff and how much is her just, like, volunteering stuff. But it's kind of crappy and (pause), like, I don't know. I'm still mad at her for continuing to have a relationship with him, and I don't know how to bring that up with her because there's like, I don't want to give her an ultimatum of, like, choose one of us. Because, like, (pause) without wanting to go too deep into playing arm-chair psychologist but, like, I'm sure it's not easy for her. Like, she and I have been friends for ten years. She and Tom have been together for seven years, and they've been friends for ten. So, like, I'm sure this is horrible for her. And maybe it's unfair of me to expect her to, like, break up with him, but I really wish she would. I really wish everyone I know would just ostracize him because that would make my life a lot easier. And that's a little cruel and, like, unkind of me. But that's what I really wish would happen. [00:08:30]

But anyway, Jodie sent me an e-mail yesterday saying that, you know, Tom has been doing a lot of work with her and his other partners around consent and making sure he has it (ph) and, like, relearning, like, decent sexual ethics behaviors. And he had told Jodie that he didn't want to talk about what had happened with me, because I had requested that. And Jodie said my understanding from Jodie's e-mail is that she had told him that he should tell his partners that, you know, the reasons he's bringing this up is because he hurt one of his partners and he wants to make sure that's not going to happen to anyone else or happen again (inaudible 09:12). And he had said that he was under the impression that I did not want him to talk about it at all, and that he was uncomfortable mentioning it even obliquely and without identifying details. And so, Jodie's reaction to this was to e-mail me and tell me all of this and ask for permission on his behalf to go talk to all of his other partners about me, which, like, (pause) (sighs) I don't know. It was really upsetting to, like, be reminded of that whole situation in the middle of my workday yesterday. (Pause) And it's (pause) yeah, I don't know. [00:10:24]

(Silence)

CLIENT: So I eventually went back and told her that, you know, the thing I don't want is for people to be talking about me behind my back and, like, for gossip to spread about me. But given that not that many people knew about my relationship with Tom and, you know, even when we were however you want to label whatever relationship we had. I wouldn't say dating but, you know. But anyway, we didn't see each other all that often, so, like, the fact that I haven't, like, been over to his place in a couple of months probably won't raise eyebrows for people because, yeah.

So, like, I told her it was fine for him to, like, mention what happened without giving identifying details or, like, a timeline or anything like that. Because I think the odds that people will put together that it's me he's talking about, especially if he's only talking to his partners, like, hopefully, they all have good sense, even if they do manage to figure out it's me. And clearly, this isn't a case of him, like, telling people he was falsely accused or, like, calling me a crazy bitch or whatever it was I was afraid was going to happen. So that's all fine. I just (pause) I want her to stop telling me about his progress of becoming a better person, because I really don't care at this point. [00:13:02]

Like, I mentioned on my blog a couple of weeks ago that I really miss the friendship I had with him before everything went down. And, I mean, especially because we're both members of the print shop and we belong to the same fraternity. And we used to talk, like, really frequently about fraternity stuff and print shop stuff. And he, like, also, like this is selfish, but he was a pretty valuable resource for me with regards to print shop stuff because he knew more about the shop than I did for a long time. Like, I think that balance has shifted in the last year, but still, like, he's a good printer. And he was the print shop mentor for a couple of years so, like, he knew the ins and outs of, like, where to find things and how to order things that I never had to deal with, because I was the never the print shop manager.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So, like, I miss that. And so I mentioned that on my blog. And I mentioned that it's really shitty that that friendship was taken from me. And Jodie's response was, "Well, if you want to reconcile with him, I'm sure we can arrange that, if you would be amenable to that." I was like, "Well, of course he would." That's kind of not the point. Like, my saying that, like, I miss this friendship and I'm said that, like, it's not a possibility doesn't mean that I want to, like or that I'm ready to see him again. Like, I know it's not her intent to pressure me to reconcile with him, but that's certainly how it feels. Like, I feel pressured, regardless of what it is she's intending. Or maybe she is intending me to pressure me to reconcile, because that would make her life easier. I don't know. And really, her intent doesn't to me. But it's just a shitty situation all around. [00:15:12]

(Silence)

CLIENT: [I haven't been] (ph) -

THERAPIST: But she's focusing on the recovery of the (inaudible 15:40).

CLIENT: Yep. Yeah, she is. (Pause) And, you know, if things had gone differently with Brian back in December, if he had been at all interested in rehabilitation and recovery, like, I would have stayed there with him and helped it through it, because that's important. But I'm also not close friends with the woman he hurt, and I certainly wouldn't be giving her progress reports on him. Like…

(Silence)

THERAPIST: I think in part you're, like, wanting or needing my help to (pause), like, uncover or put into words the way that she's treating you badly (inaudible 17:54). Because I think, being it's (pause) I think (inaudible 18:12) to do for yourself (inaudible 18:15) credit in that way that is hard for you to give yourself or kind of (pause) something.

(Silence)

THERAPIST: Like, clearly, you're upset about the way that she's being, but maybe it's hard, in some ways, for you to put your finger on how she's treating you badly.

CLIENT: Yeah, like, I don't know. I'm having a hard time even hearing you say that she's treating me badly. (Pause) Because I don't want (pause) I don't want to think of her as the kind of person who treats their friends badly in these situations. Like, that's kind of crappy, and (pause) I guess maybe part of it is that I have trouble, like, distinguishing between, like, our engaging in behaviors kind of crappy and, you know, you're just a bad person. So if she's treating me badly, that would make her a bad person, which would mean that I shouldn't have her in my life, because I shouldn't have bad people in my life, because it sucks. And bad people do terrible things. [00:20:22]

THERAPIST: I see.

(Silence)

CLIENT: I realize that's not exactly a helpful way to think of things, but kind of the thoughts are there, and I can't seem to get them out of my head.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So…

(Silence)

CLIENT: I think maybe part of it is that throughout college and the years immediately after, I had so many people in my life who were maybe not bad people but bad for me. Like, just our interactions were toxic and (inaudible 22:24). And some of it was my fault, and some of it was their fault, and some if it was, like, situation, like being in this horrible pressure cooker of stress that (inaudible 22:31). But, like, it was clearly harmful for me to continue the friendships or relationships or whatever with them. And the only way I was able to get myself to give myself permission to, like, let those relationships fade was by telling myself these are just bad people and kind of maximilizing in order to make it okay to step back and say, "Okay, I don't need to work on maintaining these friendships."

I don't know where I got this idea that it's not okay to let friendships fade, because God knows it didn't come from my parents. Or maybe it did in their reactionary sort of way. But, you know, my parents are so quick to cut people off for the stupidest, trivial bullshit reasons.

(Silence)

THERAPIST: I know you know in a way this isn't true, but I wonder if it felt a bit like I was implying you should cut Jodie off. I guess I imagine that is a piece that you got from your parents, the idea that, you know, some of the stuff about there being bad people and do bad things.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: If you see any hint of that, chop.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And so, I'm saying (pause) I think, like, [you know, that's] (ph) not quite how I said it, but (inaudible 25:30) you feel hurt by the way she's treating you (inaudible 25:36) badly that (pause), you know, the implication there is (sound effect). Otherwise, it means there's something [really bad] (ph) with you.

CLIENT: (inaudible 26:00) crappy. [I know] (ph) it's not a good way to, like, function socially because no one's perfect. We all say shitty, hurtful things on occasion. And, like, yeah. Like, not being able to, like, forgive and move past that is the recipe for loneliness. [As evidence that] (ph) that hurts. And that's not what I want, but I think it does lead to me kind of pathologically ignoring hurtful things my friends do or pretending that they don't exist, rather than acknowledging them. Because I don't know how to acknowledge that, you know, this thing you did was shitty. I don't think that makes you a bad person. I still care about you and want to be friends, but, like, we need to deal with this shitty thing you did. Yeah. And I don't do that. Like, and it's not even a matter of I don't do it well. I just don't do it. I never bring these things up. That's kind of a problem.

(Silence)

CLIENT: The other thing that's kind of crappy is that I haven't been dancing since May, because I've just been afraid of running into Dan (ph) or running into Tom. It's like I always have some excuse for why I'm not going. Like, "Oh, I have to work late." Or, you know, I've been preferentially scheduling dates for Thursday nights so that I have something else to do, so that I can't go to the Thursday night (inaudible 30:58), which is, you know, (pause) I really miss the dancing. Yeah, I ran into Tom at Jodie's wedding about a month ago.

THERAPIST: (inaudible 31:21)

CLIENT: Yeah. So Jodie and Imogen decided to get married kind of (laughter) they gave their friends three days' notice. I don't know, like, how much they planned in advance (laughter), but they gave us three days' notice. And it was a city hall wedding, and then lunch at a nearby restaurant. They bought out the restaurant, but it wasn't much of a reception. But, you know, the night before, Jodie IMs me and says, "You know, is it okay if Tom comes to the wedding? He's expressed interest in coming." And I was like, "As long as he doesn't talk to me, sure. Like, there will be, like, 40 people there. We'll sit at opposite ends of the table."

THERAPIST: It won't be hard.

CLIENT: Yeah. And then 15 minutes later, I get, "Just to be clear, he expressed interest in coming because I invited him and I want him to be there." And I was like, "Well, (pause) I don't know what to say to this. It's your wedding. You get to invite whoever you want, I guess." But, like, (pause), yeah, it was awkward and kind of weird, but it wasn't terrible. So I don't know why I'm so afraid of running into him at (inaudible 32:38).

THERAPIST: We [have to] stop for now. See you tomorrow.

CLIENT: Yep.

END TRANSCRIPT