TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hi.
THERAPIST: Hi.
CLIENT: I had lunch and I’ve been dog sitting for a friend, and in a couple of weeks, I went over to her house to meet the dog, and it ended up being about two hours talking, so I’m sort of tired. (chuckle) But I did get back at that like awkward moment where if I [logged the PCHN] (ph), if I walked back home, I’d have to like turn around to leave to get here. So I’m like, I’m going to go get some pizza. That’s okay. (pause) (inaudible at 0:01:07)
But I think things are better really; they’re better than they were. I’m still thinking about suicide most of the time – so. (pause)
THERAPIST: [Are you not] [ (ph) (pause) feeling as awful?
CLIENT: Yeah; yeah. I’m not feeling as awful.
THERAPIST: I see. Just like it wasn’t a real good advertisement, but things are better?
CLIENT: (chuckle) What I just said?
THERAPIST: Yeah. (laughter)
CLIENT: Okay. (laughter) Yeah, I guess [it can sort of seem that way,] (ph) be sort of unconvincing. (laughter) (pause) (inaudible at 0:02:25) pronominal stuff exists, and he grew; I don’t really understand that well. I mean like understand them; just for the thing like they were married and recognizable, but if you try to – I mean you probably should try to like memorize all the forms, but it just drives me nuts; like basically you get to where you can recognize them, and then say, “Ah, that’s what this means.” And don’t worry about why it has one now and put it together. But I think they’re confusing; not very good at explaining them. (pause)
Yeah, I mean I guess like, I guess when you’re just sort of successful, according to the goals that I set for myself in the morning, you know, it’s like, well I want to get some work done today, but if get any work done, I will count it as a success. And I got some work done; made dinner; did dishes and all of those things – and yeah.
THERAPIST: Sounds good. Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:03:52)?
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. (pause) I’m pretty shaken up right now. (pause) I was feeling pretty down last night, and sort of not talking to James about it. He said – basically said like, he didn’t want me make me talk to him about this, but that it was okay if I wanted to. But I was not going to shock him or overwhelm him. Which I’d (cheated,) (ph) (inaudible at 0:05:16). (pause) [0:06:16] (pause)
I don’t know what to say. [0:07:16] (pause) And it sort of reminds me, the way things have been the last day or two, it reminds me of (sigh) the way it felt to be in the hospital; I feel like, “Well, I can’t kill myself right now.” But I just don’t want to participate. You know that I am, but like, I just don’t feel like have any good options. (pause) I don’t know. [0:08:16] (pause)
THERAPIST: You don’t want to participate, because you pretty much just feel done.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. You know, but that went away, that last time I felt like that. (pause) It’s more like, I would like to feel done. (pause) I would like to not (pause) not feel like I have to keep doing all these things that I (inaudible at 0:09:40). (pause)
More like I just detach myself from my life; it’s like maybe things will hurt less. (pause) Hopefully (inaudible at 0:10:43)
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:10:44).
CLIENT: I slept like 11 hours last night, and I’m ready to go to bed now. (laughter) (pause)
THERAPIST: Maybe that would have some of the [images and stuff] (ph) or continue to try to talk to me about that?
CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:11:35). (laughter) [Apparently that you fear.] (ph) (pause) Well if I – I don’t know. (pause) Backing out of something that I said that I would do; that’s really hard. (laughter) That’s harder than just doing it.
THERAPIST: Yeah. I imagine that’s why you’re still here.
CLIENT: Yeah. Pretty much. (pause)
THERAPIST: Really the point isn’t, or is only in part that (pause) he’s been very reconcilable, you know, since we – (pause) both are awful. [0:12:47] (pause)
CLIENT: You mean that – sorry.
THERAPIST: No, the backing out that you don’t want to do, and the doing stuff that you don’t want to do. I mean they both, I think, feel pretty miserable.
CLIENT: Yeah, I mean I can kind of like – I can feel sort of like (pause) build up enough momentum to like get me through, you know, (inaudible at 0:13:28]; just sort of coming back down afterwards is worse though.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But it’s not like, I’m well into a nightmare at this point. That comes at other times. (pause) I guess I should like be, I don’t know, optimistic and help (pull) (ph) about that. But that’s sort of hard. (pause) [0:14:30] Sometimes I have to sort of like consciously not listen to myself talking, because when I do, I’m like so disgusted by myself, that I can’t say anything. (pause)
THERAPIST: What you said there that disgusted you was that, you know, maybe you should be hopeful and optimistic, because you’re not feeling like life is a kind of ongoing nightmare, the way that you were a couple of days ago?
CLIENT: Yeah, I don’t know. It sort of feels like I’m asking you to feel sorry for me, and I don’t [overlapping conversation at 0:15:44] feel good about that.
THERAPIST: I see that with the whole thing. (pause) And because it’s my [quote that I have for you and onerous for me?] (ph)
CLIENT: Yeah, I think so. It’s just seems false. [0:17:00] (pause)
THERAPIST: Well, maybe thinking that what you want is pity, and then hating yourself for it, is like in way a sort of a perversion of what you do want, but what (inaudible at 0:18:14), which is like, you know, actually I want your support. In other words, like maybe you’re kind of twisting that, because you have mixed feelings about wanting it, (into wanting to be) (ph).
CLIENT: (pause) Okay. (pause) [0:19:14] (pause) (Knowing me) (ph), I think you’re probably right, with the pain it causes, that makes sense. (pause) When I think about killing myself, there’re other things that I end up thinking a lot about, like what that would look like for other people. (pause) But when I started saying that, it seemed like it was connected with what just said, about what just happened (inaudible at 0:20:16).
And then I get into this like (sigh) sort of bizarre, trying to decide which would be worse. I feel like I’m doing a lot of paying attention to the ways in which I’m sort of a drain on other people. I don’t know, maybe if I feel like I (sigh) bad enough for the people around me, I don’t feel justified with killing me; I don’t think that’s how it works, but I wish that were how it worked. (pause) [0:21:16]
THERAPIST: Like in a subtle way, you’re kind of trying to make an argument, that will allow you to kill yourself? (pause) [0:22:16]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: That was hard for you to tell me? (pause)
CLIENT: I don’t know, not particularly hard.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay.
CLIENT: I guess I just sort of went spiraling off in a different direction. I think, yeah, I think I’m sort of getting to the point where I actually do want to be dead (inaudible at 0:23:02). There you go; that’s all I got today. (pause)
Now I’m trying to, and I don’t think that’s the same thing as being close to attempting suicide. (inaudible at 0:23:49). (pause)
THERAPIST: It does sound like you’re really paying yourself with one of the things that you’re saying.
CLIENT: It does look like that?
THERAPIST: It does sound like that.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. (pause) I think I’m monitoring what I’m saying less closely that I usually do.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: That’s why I say things that like don’t come out the way that I – I don’t know. I like to have a plan. (laughter) (pause)
THERAPIST: I don’t necessarily think (inaudible at 0:25:03) yesterday, holding things up a little bit, and then (pause) your sort of fear and guilt over how I’d be affected by the things you’d said.
CLIENT: Mm. (pause) Yeah. I worry what you think of me. (pause)
THERAPIST: And also, by being your own self patriot over it?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Pretty intense. (pause)
CLIENT: I can’t remember what you said yesterday. (pause)
THERAPIST: What I had in mind was that (inaudible at 0:26:44) than how ambivalent you are. Once I, you know, whine to kind of tell me how it is; I’m sensitive and you’re not [blowing it,] (ph) and you’ve sort of a little of a reason to wake me up, other than part of that’s that I’ve got to feel a little bit, or be in it in some way. Which you feel it would be – it is destructive for me as it is for you, maybe more so and I’m probably unfair.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And you feel that (inaudible at 0:27:41).
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Something about that, reminded me a little bit of a thing you said a long time ago about the stork and mythology.
CLIENT: Oh yeah.
THERAPIST: Which if I’m remembering right, or maybe I’m not, which is why I’m going to elaborate, (commenting) (ph) later on, that the stork; like the mommy stork pierces his own chest, and like -
CLIENT: Feeds her children with her own blood.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah; it’s awesome. (laughter) In terms of like interesting mythic figures.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. (pause) [0:28:41]
THERAPIST: I guess what I had in mind is, it feels like if I’m feed around this (habitat) (ph) -
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I guess I’m learning today about like (pause) and why it doesn’t – the ways that I’m feeling are less like the ways that I’m acting; don’t seem to me to make very much sense. You know they sort of make sense to me, but like – I don’t know, it – (pause) it feels like in order to make sense to you, that you’d have to sort of be in there with me. And I don’t – I can’t imagine you wanting to do that, and sometimes I don’t really want you to do that. That seems awful. [0:30:03] (pause)
THERAPIST: And when you start to say things that go in that direction, I think those are the things where you start to hate yourself, or (inaudible at 0:31:21)
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: Or, and then relatedly, I think where you maybe like your self-pity thing.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) If it feels like I’m sort of – (sigh) it feels like I’m trying to present an image of being really sad, that looking appealing. And that just seems really sort of the opposite. But at the same time, like yeah, I don’t (pause) I don’t want people to leave me alone like this, but I can’t imagine going on without – [0:32:54] (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess your idea about me being – having to be in it with you, in order to get or get what it’s like for you. It’s like our experience would have to be the same. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah; I think like (sigh) I think even more than wanting empathy or support, like I just don’t like to be put off. I just don’t want people to leave.
THERAPIST: I see. (pause) I feel like, okay maybe I can’t really be around for this, and this is, I don’t know if it’s 10% or 50%, but it’s something. But at least this way, if I don’t know about this, I don’t leave; I could be around for the rest. Got the idea?
CLIENT: I think so. (pause)
THERAPIST: And I kind of weighed into this, and I really don’t like bond for anything. (pause) [0:34:40]-[0:35:40] (pause)
CLIENT: I’d forgotten I said anything about the stork. And I remembered (inaudible at 0:36:26)
THERAPIST: Oh. (pause)
CLIENT: But [if you can bear it] (ph) – (pause) [0:37:26]-[0:40:26] (pause) All right then. (pause) I don’t what to say. (pause)
THERAPIST: You feel kind of shut down?
CLIENT: Or sort of – I feel like everything that I had to say, I sort of already said. Or that I’ve said to you like over, and over and over again. I’m really tired; I need to stop. [0:41:21] (pause) You know, it’s like I’m tired enough that, I’d care less about irritating or inconveniencing you by not talking. So, (laughter) (pause)
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:42:58]
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