TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Hi.
CLIENT: Hi. Well it turned out the meeting with Geoffrey was really good. Yes, he’s just a really good person and pretty much sort of more pragmatic in a cold-hearted way. I’m really glad I’m not in his shoes. He passed his exams, which is awesome, and now he’s trying to get a dissertation prospectus up and running and he’s basically just doing that without any consultation or advice. And [inaudible at 00:01:01] his advisor is on sabbatical this year and is going to come back for a year and maybe a semester next year and then he’s going to retire. But they don’t know when and whether that position is going to be replaced. [00:01:19]
Vincent Deloitte (ph) is the archeologist. His chair has not been filled yet and I don’t think (ph) there’s a surge underway yet; I don’t think they’re doing anything about it. So yes, the department continues to crumble. So wow (ph) out of that one. But he seems like he’s doing okay with it. He’s pretty sturdy in that sense. I’m sort of thinking man he would’ve done so he would be so happy at William & Tanya. That makes me sort of sad. [00:02:22]
So we talked; it was good to visit. Man I can’t tell what the weather’s going to do today but I feel like I might be dressed wrong for it. Oh well. I did not want to get up this morning as usual. [Pause] Yes, I don’t know. It’s good to be reminded that that thing that I miss doesn’t actually exist. Yes. [00:03:30]
[Pause]
But I really miss the work. Geoffrey sat talking about his topics and interests. I was thinking I’m both so far out of that world that I couldn’t really have a productive conversation with him. It was more like tell me what you’re doing. But it’s just so much fun. I just miss it. [00:04:37]
Anyway then we got back home and I had to do taxes and insurance and stuff that stresses me out. But that got done. We have to yet again file a grievance over how they billed the ambulance that took me out to Frederick because of course they called somebody who’s not in network so they charged me the copay for in network but I’m not in a position to call somebody who’s in network. So they’re basically listing it as a non-emergency situation when it’s an emergency situation. And the last time this happened, you file agreements, they approved it and it was fine. It’s just sort of frustrating but this is what we do. So we did that. [00:05:47]
[Pause]
Yes, I don’t know. I don’t even know what to talk about. I feel like I’ve been in the same situation at the start of every week recently. I get to the end of the week and I think I’m really tired. I don’t want to go back to work; don’t know what to do. In previous weeks it’s worked out okay so. [00:07:32]
[Pause]
Started looking at job postings for church schools, churches last night. I don’t know. There’s not much there. There’s a school in Delaware that’s looking for a they’re hiring for two religion teachers but it’s in Delaware. I hate Delaware. And James hates Delaware a lot more than I do. So I don’t know. [00:08:58]
It’s much easier to be applying or thinking about applying for a position; it’s having a job even if it’s not a very good one too than not having a job. I cleaned out my closet, which benefits no one but me, but it was very satisfactory anyway. I’m really good at putting things in closets; there’s an incredible amount of stuff in there. [Laughs] I took everything out and put everything back in. Now I take everything out today the entire apartment was full of stuff. We’ve gotten pretty efficient in our use of space or storage space anyway. [00:10:10]
[Pause]
It sort of feels like, I don’t know I sort of felt this week like I can put the engine in neutral but I can’t turn it off. It’s almost like it’s hard for me to go to bed and then when I wake up I’m up; it’s hard for me to go back to sleep if I wake up early because I woke up at 4:00 this morning and it was hard for me to get back to sleep. I don’t know but I’m just tired all the time. [00:11:57]
THERAPIST: I see, sure. It’s as though you’re kind of keyed up.
CLIENT: Yes. It’s weird. Just a little bit, not a whole lot. I did end up going back to sleep. [00:12:14]
[Pause]
I did make pancakes most of the day on Saturday but I feel like that was a long time ago. Then I went to bed. It’ll be good.
THERAPIST: What? [00:13:08]
CLIENT: I just said it’ll be good; this week will be fine. [Pause] So last night I stayed up late because I started typing up the minutes from a meeting from church. And I volunteered to be the scribe or the person who takes notes. It’s really easy to take notes; typing up the notes is the pain in the ass probably because previous people have flushed them out into complete sentences and I don’t want to do that. And then I, yes. But so it took me a long time to write those up. And then I couldn’t get to sleep. [00:15:59]
When I was little I always used to tell myself stories when I was going to sleep. Like pick [inaudible at 00:16:12] whatever I was reading at the time. I always got, I’d have an idea of where it was going in my head and I got a tenth of the way through and I fell asleep so I’d have to start over again the next night. So then it turned into this weird thing where I was trying to go to sleep but also trying to stay awake to finish the story but I don’t know. [00:17:00]
I don’t think I’ve ever told anybody that. [Pause] More less than now I would just think about people that I find soothing. It’s a short list. [00:18:26]
[Pause]
I’ve never been good actually at making up stories. I don’t know why. When I’ve done creative writing I just can’t come up with plots that are not the stories I have already read. Tell the same story ten times. [Pause] It’s one of the reasons I don’t write a lot of fiction. [00:20:39]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: There is something that’s very [inaudible at 00:24:01]. It can be hard to know what to say or have access to or talk about the things that matter particularly when you’re feeling more okay. [00:24:34]
CLIENT: Yes. It sort of feels like I have the option of being more guarded so of course I’m going to take that. Yes, I have some sort of feeling it’s maybe not what you’re looking for, which is I’m laughing because as I say it I’m thinking yes, that’s a problem Tanya. [00:25:17]
THERAPIST: Wait, what? I’m not sure -
CLIENT: I guess -
THERAPIST: As far as I’m concerned you’re supposed to be different from that?
CLIENT: Yes I guess so. I don’t know. Maybe it’s something about if there’s not something that clearly needs to be fixed than I don’t have a place here or I would not be welcomed. [00:26:03]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: Well it seems to be more a struggle or at least more two-sided seems to me than your simply being guarded. I mean you have said a bunch of stuff including the stuff about the stories and that you haven’t said that to anyone and thinking of people you find soothing. [00:27:12]
[Pause]
CLIENT: Yes. I guess I’m sort of worried to see what you’re going to do with that. That was the best thing in my life for a while. And now it’s the best part of the day. [00:28:11]
THERAPIST: Telling yourself stories where you’re going?
CLIENT: Sort of like they’re reading all the time. And then I didn’t ever want to stop reading. Yes partly in a good way and partly in a bad way. Bad way because I didn’t want to be in my life but also I really liked the stories I was reading; that was really good. [00:29:36]
[Pause]
I guess I mean because these terrible schmaltzy fan-vic type stories. I knew that’s what they were but that’s okay. They’re not for anybody else. [00:30:34]
THERAPIST: I wonder if they were, I guess I’m thinking about them as daydreams? And that in that way they were one of the few things in the day that felt like it was for you? Or maybe it is still.
CLIENT: Mark gave a sermon a while back about, he was talking about his daydreams as a kid and he was talking about the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which is this great story. And he was saying that in his daydreams he was always the center of attention and other people didn’t matter very much. Talking about that like coming to a better in his daydreams he was a great humanitarian but other people didn’t actually matter. He said so maybe helping people is totally different from that. [00:31:50]
It was a nice sermon but it was striking for me because in my daydreams it was always about relationships. It was always being close to people in ways that I wasn’t close to people in real life. [00:32:19]
[Pause]
[inaudible at 00:32:32] coming. [Pause] Which isn’t to say that the other people were these terribly fully realized characters but they don’t I don’t know actually because I take people from books or people that I knew and those were real people for me. I was really lonely. [00:34:19]
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:34:23]. [Pause] I guess they were safe too.
CLIENT: Yes. Yes, I always knew what was going to happen. [Pause] Shared the same books over and over again. I like knowing what’s going to happen. [00:35:34]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: And maybe in a way you were making yourself aware of what you were missing, like companionship and predictability. What I have in mind is you’re hungry, so hungry, and dreaming of cake or a sandwich.
CLIENT: Yes. [00:38:11]
[Pause]
CLIENT: Yes. I used to always imagine that I’d be in perilous situations and imagine that that wouldn’t hurt me. It’s sort of exaggerated versions of things that actually did hurt me a lot, like the theft. I don’t know [00:40:03]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: Well it’s nice to feel safe. [00:41:29]
CLIENT: Yes.
[Pause]
THERAPIST: We should finish up for now. [00:43:52]
END TRANSCRIPT
