TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:01)
CLIENT: Yeah, no, that's good for me because that way (inaudible at 00:07) early mornings or evenings. That works fine (ph).
THERAPIST: Sorry that took a little while to (inaudible at 00:14)
CLIENT: It's OK. I had just got off work and, like, ran over here because they kept me a half an hour late. So it's a good day but it's usually, like, a backlash at the end of the day. So, you know, if I start crying suddenly that would not be any different from any other day (laughter). I'm really tired. I'm so tired. (pause) [There was] (ph), like, an inexplicable 3:00 pm rush and there was only three people and we were, like, running, like, around for, I mean, most of the day but especially during the end. You know, I had to stay late. The person who left before me had to stay late to cover my break. I didn't get my break but they're legally obligated to do it and (inaudible at 01:23). I did almost start crying when the elevator wouldn't (inaudible at 01:35). Apparently I had to have the code, so…
THERAPIST: I can give you what I think is the code. Would that help?
CLIENT: For next time, but it's OK.
THERAPIST: I think it's #[inaudible].
CLIENT: OK, thanks. You know, I…
THERAPIST: Or it might be [inaudible]#.
CLIENT: …quite so crippled (ph). So on Wednesday after I left that (ph) and how I spent a lot of time talking about my mom. And really, I was just really not doing well. Like, I just wasn't up to it. I didn't really want to be doing that. I didn't quite realize that until I left.
(silence)
CLIENT: I don't know about today. But then not (inaudible at 02:52) starting taking the Advil (inaudible at 03:03) helped today. Is it 800 milligrams every 24 hours or every 12 hours? (pause) Yeah, basically I just feel really bad. Don't want to feel really bad. I don't know what to [say about that] (ph). I've been crying a lot more lately. I just feel really bad [and crying] (ph). (inaudible at 04:02)
(silence)
CLIENT: I don't know if I'm just not wearing the right shoes or I think I'm just too old for this, which is a little depressing (inaudible at 04:33) (laughter). I'm sure that it'll get better but (inaudible at 04:43).
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 04:47)
CLIENT: Yeah and, like, kind of from here down. But the rest of its normal. The knees feel like they're swelling up and they creaky (ph).
THERAPIST: [In other words] (ph) it's sore muscle?
CLIENT: Yeah, which is, you know, that what happens when you stand up all day. I realize on the way over here that I'd given one of the regulars a triple non-decaf instead of triple decaf espresso.
THERAPIST: (laughter)
CLIENT: I even remembered. I said, "Triple decaf, right?" And then I gave him the non-decaf. (sighs) So I might have to apologize [to him the next time I see him] (ph). (inaudible at 05:41) And then remembering to give people decaf when they ask for it. It's just different buttons but [it's hard] (ph) to remember. And I feel really bad about that. It's only 4:30. It's not like he came in at 8:00, which he does. Most of the time he comes in in the evening.
I finally talked to James about what to do next year, what I'm doing after this. So I think I'm not going to go back to school.
THERAPIST: You mean for next fall?
CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible at 06:51) teaching job. It's the only thing I can think of doing that doesn't seem entirely unbearable. But it's just hard. It's so hard. There's no way [as in no time] (ph) when I don't think about it and just feel like a failure.
(silence)
CLIENT: Come January then a round applications starts. That will be exciting.
THERAPIST: That's when you can apply for a teaching job?
CLIENT: Yeah. The hiring season's basically February through May.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 08:30)
CLIENT: [I don't know] (ph). I'm supposed to return the letter accepting or declining my stipend by the beginning of January.
THERAPIST: For next fall?
CLIENT: Yes. You know, I've thought about seeing if I can take the one or two classes. [I have] (ph) the two classes I have left and finishing my incompletes next semester while I'm still working to (inaudible at 09:19). Even that sounds really, really hard. I'm barely not needing to be hospitalized now.
THERAPIST: I imagine that would be a very hard thing for you to decide (inaudible at 10:10) and that you have to struggle quite intensely with feeling like a failure and feeling like you should suck it up.
CLIENT: Yes. I'm still working and in some ways I'm still deciding. It's more like I know that this is where I'm going to end up. So, I just have to get to the point where I'm OK with it (ph) because there's nothing else I can be OK with.
(silence)
CLIENT: (crying) Thing is, I don't want to go back. I really don't. I have no desire to be there anymore and (sighs) I have no desire to work at a university anymore but (inaudible at 11:44). I just can't be OK with it. I don't know how to be OK with it.
THERAPIST: I don't mean to get sidetracked (inaudible at 12:06) but I guess I'm curious as to why you think you don't really want (inaudible at 12:20).
CLIENT: I don't want to be at school. I don't want to be with the teachers. [I want to be with] (ph), like I don't want to be struggling and knowing that nobody gives a fuck. Like, I don't want that. It's not the good topic. I love that. I want to be doing [the Bible] (ph) but I don't want to do what I would have to do to get the degree and get, you know, a job teaching in that field. There's just it was just no fun.
THERAPIST: Maybe [you even find it brutal] (ph) in some way?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: But it still doesn't seem OK.
CLIENT: No. It still seems like (inaudible at 13:31) because I'm not good enough, not because I don't want it. (crying)
THERAPIST: So we're clear in what way are you not good enough?
CLIENT: I can't get my work done and not going (ph) to kill myself. I mean, I apparently can't not want to kill myself anyway, but the work is harder. (laughter)
THERAPIST: I see. So that's…
[00:14:36]
CLIENT: You know, maybe I'd finish those classes. Maybe I'd pass them. But I really doubt I would make it through a semester without (inaudible at 14:49)
THERAPIST: Right, yeah. No, what I was going to say is (pause) even though that's not really the most relevant (pause) factor in your decision…
CLIENT: What, the depression?
THERAPIST: Yeah. You don't want to do it because you don't want to do it, because (ph) you don't want to do it. Follow me closely. (laughter)
CLIENT: I mean, it is pretty relevant in that I think about…
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 15:28) angry at yourself for.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Go ahead.
CLIENT: I think about the way I felt when I was taking classes. And I think about jumping into a semester where I am now and it was just [I think] (ph) it's a terrible, terrible idea, you know. If I were at William & Mary (inaudible at 16:00) there if I had people who supported me, you know. If I knew they wanted me there, maybe (ph).
THERAPIST: I see. (inaudible at 16:10) that really makes a huge difference.
CLIENT: It makes an enormous difference. But they either don't care that I'm there or they actively don't want me. They're certainly not willing to go out of their way for me.
THERAPIST: They don't want you because of mental health stuff or something else about you? Or you just don't know?
CLIENT: I don't know. I know that that program is extremely good. I assume they are convincing everyone that they're terrible at what they do. So, you know, I'm fully convinced that I'm terrible at what I do but I know that that's not actually right. I have no way of telling. But (pause) I just can't go get beat up every day. I just can't do it. And I really (sobbing) am angry at myself, as you said, for having that decision to make.
(silence)
CLIENT: (inaudible at 17:36) talk to Professor (inaudible at 17:38). It probably will be a short conversation, realistically, because that's what he does. He says come at 5:00. He shows up at 6:00. You see him at 6:30. 6:45 you're out the door. [The power] (ph). (pause) That's a little bit of an exaggeration but not that much. Usually he runs about 45 minutes to an hour late.
(silence)
CLIENT: I'm just really angry at them (ph) too. I don't like being in that situation. No, I don't…
THERAPIST: You mean this situation of being treated like crap? That situation?
CLIENT: Well, yeah. But I don't like being bitter about it.
THERAPIST: Oh, I see.
CLIENT: I can't feel good about the last couple of years anymore. I don't feel good about it (ph) and I don't like that.
THERAPIST: Because of, like, [inaudible, you mean] (ph)?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(silence)
CLIENT: That's a big reason not to go back. (sniffles) I just don't want to be there. You know, I walk through campus because it's easier to cut through campus [straight to Franco's] (ph) and I just feel so angry. I just hate the people (inaudible at 19:55). I don't like that in myself. I don't like being like this. It's not usual for me.
(silence)
THERAPIST: What do you hate them for? Do you know?
(silence)
CLIENT: I feel like people think they're better than I am. But I don't really particularly like admitting that [to them] (ph). Hey, that clock. You probably had it for a while. I didn't know that you had it.
THERAPIST: I just put it it was a clock that I had before but it started ticking and then I…
CLIENT: Did (ph) you just, like, shake it a lot? (laughter)
THERAPIST: I shook it a lot (inaudible at 21:10)
(silence)
CLIENT: You know, I don't really belong there anymore. I don't really belong at Starbucks. It feels like I don't really have a place.
(silence)
THERAPIST: In what way don't you belong at Starbucks?
CLIENT: I don't want to be there. And I haven't been there for very long so I'm still kind of figuring it out. And I don't intend to be there for very long.
(silence)
CLIENT: (inaudible at 22:57) I work too hard. Yeah, I can't keep this pace up. But I can't slow down because this is how fast you have to move in order to get the things done that have to get done. I don't know if that makes sense.
THERAPIST: How long can you keep this up?
CLIENT: I don't know.
THERAPIST: I would keep an eye on that.
CLIENT: Yeah. You know, I can go tomorrow, then I have three days off after that. You know, and I recognize that I actually can slow down if I try to. I just (pause) it's hard not to do my best because I'm not good at it. I have a hard time thinking long term in terms of, like, (inaudible at 24:31).
(silence)
THERAPIST: [I think] (ph) you can decide, you know, from a relatively cool distance that you don't want to go back to school, but in the (inaudible at 25:00) of it at work, you know, it's hard to decide not to do something that feels like achieving whatever you can (inaudible at 25:10).
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 25:14)
CLIENT: Yeah. Because so much of it is automatic. I don't know. I'm not even it's not like I'm better than other people. You know, it's not like I'm doing more than other people. I'm doing more than some other people but I'm not, like, far away ahead of the pack. I'm just keeping up. So [there's a] (ph)…
THERAPIST: And just part of what was going on here on Wednesday was [talking about] (ph) your mom (ph), which it sounds like it was more than what you wanted to be doing.
CLIENT: Yeah, it was just really hard work. I don't know. It felt like I was extending myself past what I could, you know, support. So I left and I just really wasn't doing well afterwards.
THERAPIST: Does it feel that way today?
CLIENT: No, not really (ph). I'm not going to be doing well after this regardless, so (laughter).
THERAPIST: Yeah, that's my impression, is that you're not doing well.
CLIENT: (crying) We're having pizza for dinner, so it's good.
THERAPIST: Are you working pretty hard to manage how angry you're feeling at yourself?
CLIENT: I don't know.
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 27:42) kind of worn out at the same time?
CLIENT: I guess so. I don't know. I feel very strange. I feel like I'm really not doing well but I kind of can't get at it and so I don't know what that's going to look like in an hour or two hours. I just don't know.
(silence)
CLIENT: I have a hard time figuring out what's going on mostly, [like this] (ph). [00:29:08]
(silence)
THERAPIST: My impression is that the approximate thing may be the decision about school.
CLIENT: [Approximate thing] (ph)?
THERAPIST: I guess what I mean is, like, if your baseline level is pretty awful, feeling pretty awful, but there are ups and downs in that and you're at a down, that's a sort of, you know….
CLIENT: Push for that.
THERAPIST: But I also feel like there's something about that that I'm not understanding.
CLIENT: I don't know. It feels like…
THERAPIST: I don't mean about so (ph) the decision exactly.
CLIENT: It feels like the decision, it's less of a big deal because it's just something I've been thinking about almost every day for a long time. I mean, it is still a big thing to talk about it but (pause) I don't know. (sniffles) (inaudible at 31:02)
(silence)
THERAPIST: I guess I'm wondering if you want part of the reason (inaudible at 31:45) is you kind of, like, are really wanting me to get in-between you and your self-hatred.
CLIENT: Well, that's a pretty safe bet. (laughter)
THERAPIST: (laughter)
CLIENT: I don't know. Maybe (ph).
(silence)
CLIENT: It just feels like I mean, honestly I've just when I get off work I just crash pretty much every day. I don't know if (inaudible at 32:39) but I do. I'm usually a pretty…
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 32:44), like go ahead.
CLIENT: Like, all of it is (inaudible at 32:57). It all just stacks up and then it's not until I get off work that I get a chance that any of that can kind of come out and then it all comes out at once. I don't know.
(silence)
CLIENT: But yeah, I am, I guess I'm more angry at myself than usual today (ph) and I guess there's part of me that wants me to do something (inaudible at 33:45). But I don't know (inaudible at 33:48). (sighs)
(silence)
CLIENT: It just seems so unfair that (inaudible at 34:31) should be going. It's like, "Really?" (sobbing) I just don't know how to feel (inaudible at 34:50). (crying)
(silence)
CLIENT: It just seems unsustainable but it's not seeming unsustainable isn't actually a very good metric because so much of what seems unsustainable can actually be sustained. (crying)
(silence)
CLIENT: I don't know what to say other than I don't want this. (inaudible at 37:20)
(silence)
CLIENT: And I feel like I should apologize to you but I have no idea what for or where that came from. (laughter) (pause) (crying)
THERAPIST: I suspect it's because you just (inaudible at 38:18) and you feel like [you need to be sorry] (ph).
CLIENT: (crying) Yeah, I don't know how I'm bearing this. I don't know. (pause) I haven't hurt myself since I was in the hospital, so I guess that's good. And that seems to be what people want for me. You know, if I think really hard I remember that that's when I (inaudible at 40:08)
(silence)
CLIENT: All that comes to mind is that nothing comes to mind. [00:43:30]
THERAPIST: (inaudible at 44:15)
CLIENT: Thanks. Have a good weekend.
THERAPIST: Thank you. Take care. (inaudible at 44:23)
END TRANSCRIPT
