TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Thanks for being flexible with the time today. And I know that I never sent you the e-mail about the other times, which I will send you in the next couple of days if that's okay.
CLIENT: Yeah, definitely.
THERAPIST: I'll double check...I know I don't have the time that will probably become a regular time on Mondays, this Monday.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: I don't think I have anything else on Monday. If I can find something, I will let you know.
CLIENT: Okay thanks. I almost didn't make it up to the second floor. The elevators were...
THERAPIST: Oh, because of the codes on there.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Should have told you about that.
CLIENT: That's okay. I asked the guy upstairs and he gave me the code.
THERAPIST: Did you know you could come up the stairs as well?
CLIENT: I don't know where the stairs are.
THERAPIST: Oh okay.
CLIENT: I usually come up the stairs, like, I mean, I usually take the stairs, but the doors that would let me in there were locked today.
THERAPIST: Oh, the door kind of opposite the elevator, it is a sneaky door in that the handle won't turn, but if you yank on it, it will open.
CLIENT: Okay.
[01:29]
THERAPIST: It took me like two years to figure that out, but that's actually the quickest way up because that lets you out on this side of the hallway. So it sticks a little and the knob doesn't turn, but if you just yank it straight out it will open.
CLIENT: Okay thanks. I'll see if I can figure it out next time.
THERAPIST: I'm also happy to give you the elevator code if you want it.
CLIENT: Okay thanks.
THERAPIST: I'll send that in e-mail.
CLIENT: Okay thanks. Yeah. I freak out about these things. I don't know why.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: I just get anxious.
THERAPIST: Like you were anxious downstairs?
CLIENT: Yeah, but not very. It's okay. After he gave me the code and it worked and I got in so on and so forth I thought I wasn't going to a couple of times, but. [Pause.] I've just had an anxious day today. I don't know. [Pause.]
[03:33]
[inaudible 04:37] teacher replacement agency, so right before I went to the hospital.
THERAPIST: [inaudible 04:45]?
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. I was supposed to have an interview with them and then that didn't happen. So I got back in touch with them, which was good.
THERAPIST: And that it brings up the whole job thing?
CLIENT: Yeah. [Pause.] I think it'll be fine. I just really hope it'll be fine.
THERAPIST: Well duh. I mean I imagine you're pretty, you know, worried. I mean it's good that you're feeling better, it's good that you have some confidence it will go more or less okay, but of course you're worried it's going to knock you over.
CLIENT: Yeah. You know I just keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no reason for it not to go well. You know, I interview well. I'm a good teacher. But of course I'm still fretting.
[06:26]
And then of course two out of three recommenders forgot to send the letters, which happens all the time; it's not...that's just how it goes. I [inaudible 06:50] and said you know, if you need me to ask somebody else, I can ask somebody else. At least one woman already wrote me back and was like, oh no. She just forgot. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: But you had the sense your [inaudible -7:39]?
CLIENT: I think so. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Uh huh, great.
CLIENT: I mean I feel like I kind of have to be, so.
THERAPIST: No you don't.
CLIENT: Fair enough. [Pause.] You know, I do kind of feel like I have to be. I have to have a job. This is the best place for me to be applying. This is kind of my best bet. [Pause.]
[09:26]
I have no idea what happens if I don't get a job. I mean, if I don't get a job, I don't think it's going to be good. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: I think you should try to put yourself first.
CLIENT: How do you mean?
THERAPIST: But your well being matters more than the job. I don't mean like from feeling good to feeling great. Like whatever. But your well being matters more than a job.
CLIENT: Okay, yeah. [Pause.]
[12:15]
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how to do that. I mean, I don't really know how to put my well being first. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: When you say something like it doesn't really matter if I'm okay or not; I've got to get a job. I think that's a little bit like cutting yourself.
CLIENT: Hmm. Okay. [Pause.] I won't say that.
[14:43]
THERAPIST: I'm sorry; I want to be clear. I don't have a problem with you saying that. In fact, like I'm not it's not good to cut yourself but I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
CLIENT: I mean it's okay.
THERAPIST: I think in general, it's not good for you to cut yourself, but I think it's always not good to cut yourself; forget it's better than some other things, some other things but I'm much more interested in what's going on when you're doing it, why, why are you feeling you need to do it? Stuff like that; probably not too surprising. That's much more how I mean like when you say something like about you're going to have to get a job no matter what, like that's the most important thing. There's something about it that, to me, feels like it's a bit of an act of violence towards yourself. Yes, of course, it would be good if you did not do violent things to yourself, of course, but... [Pause]...I think I'm interested that it seems that way. I don't know if it seems to you that way as well. Am I making sense?
CLIENT: Yes. You're making sense.
THERAPIST: Yeah. [Pause.]
CLIENT: I still want to cut myself.
THERAPIST: Uh huh.
CLIENT: I [inaudible 17:19].
THERAPIST: Uh huh. [Pause.]
CLIENT: I don't. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: I wasn't trying to [inaudible 18:50] prohibitive; I was trying to say something possible informative. [Pause.]
CLIENT: I don't understand.
THERAPIST: In saying, I think when you say something like that it's like cutting yourself; it makes me think of you cutting yourself. I wasn't meaning to say anything prohibitive like you shouldn't do that. I was saying something...if it's right, it's informative.
CLIENT: That makes sense.
THERAPIST: That there's some kind of act of violence towards yourself in there. It seems to me. [Pause.]
[19:41]
[22:40]
[24:30]
THERAPIST: It is probably not helpful of me to have said that.
CLIENT: Well, you know...
THERAPIST: You're trying pretty hard, as much as you can, I think, to put yourself first. It's very difficult because you also feel such pressure and such demand to get back to being functional.
CLIENT: I'm trying.
THERAPIST: And I think what I said probably kind of made you feel like you were kind of doing it wrong.
CLIENT: Maybe a little bit. That's okay. [Pause.] I mean, I sort of already feel like I'm doing it wrong, to be clear. Like regardless of what you say.
THERAPIST: Sure. [Pause.] It's probably better when I can say things that make you feel more at ease about that.
CLIENT: Maybe, but it's really okay. [Pause.] [inaudible 28:14]. Yeah, I just feel like I'm doing it wrong most of the time. But... [Pause.]
[29:00]
THERAPIST: In what ways do you feel like you're doing it wrong?
CLIENT: Well, I do want to hurt myself a lot of the time. Then I'm just sad a lot of the time. [Pause.]
[30:33]
THERAPIST: How does that relate to doing better recently? Is it that you don't feel as bad or as suicidal, or the bouts or less frequent or more distance from those things somehow? [Pause.]
CLIENT: I feel like I'm less sort of plunged in to despair. Now it's just easier for me to kind of keep on going. [Pause.] Yeah. Now I don't; I get sad, but I feel like I don't get as sad as often to not...yeah. [Pause.] It's not like sinking in to a pit. So that's good. [Pause.]
[32:57]
Whatever it is, I will take it. Except I say that and then I can't stop poking at it. So yeah. I can't stop trying to figure it out. So maybe I won't.
THERAPIST: Do you feel like there's a part of you that wants to tear it down?
CLIENT: Yes. Yeah. I don't trust it.
THERAPIST: You don't trust feeling better as opposed to not trusting that part of yourself unless you tear it down?
CLIENT: Yeah. I don't trust feeling better. [Pause.]
[36:20]
Of course, if and when it goes away, I'll be miserable. But... [Pause.]...still. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: Maybe it will prove sturdier than you think. [Pause.]
CLIENT: That would be good. [Pause.]
[39:42]
I was thinking about the... [Pause.] I was thinking about registering as having a disability with [inaudible 40:15]. But I didn't tell them that I had a disability. [Pause.] Not entirely sure how I felt about that. [Pause.]
THERAPIST: What are your next...?
CLIENT: Oh wow... [Pause], sort of both; I think it's actually better to register as having a disability and also kind of feel like that's cheating somehow.
THERAPIST: Uh huh; that means you're getting away with something.
CLIENT: Yeah, even though it really doesn't; it really does not mean I'm getting away with anything. But oh well. [Pause.] Yeah, I just sort of feel bad.
THERAPIST: I'm going to stop for now.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Take care.
END TRANSCRIPT
