TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
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THERAPIST: Were you tossing and turning?
CLIENT: Yes. Yes, I was just having a hard time falling asleep, which I rarely do.
THERAPIST: Did it seem like the kind of thing you'd talk about?
CLIENT: I don't know. It felt more like it felt a lot like it was not related to anything else, like I just couldn't sleep. I don't know. Oh, according to James at any rate I do restrain my [inaudible at 00:01:20]. So, I don't do it on purpose but it's something to be aware of. Yesterday I was saying yes Tanya you haven't eaten anything today. Fine.
THERAPIST: Yes. I imagine that you're feeling kind of like oh, another thing [inaudible 00:02:19].
CLIENT: Yes, too hard to care. [Laughing]
THERAPIST: And how's that going for you? [Laughing]
CLIENT: Not very well. Yes. I'm yes. I'm so tired. [Pause] Yes, I don't know. [Pause] It's just a lot, right? It's just a lot to be dealing with. [Pause] I'm really tired too. I don't know what it is. Just be. [00:06:17]
THERAPIST: Yes. [Pause]
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Do you feel like you got something?
CLIENT: Something. I'm worried about James. [inaudible at 00:10:19] a lot. And he's worried about me. Taking a lot of care of me. I just really want him to be okay and [he'll love me] (ph) back.
THERAPIST: It's hard to believe he can't relate.
CLIENT: I just feel like I can't really take care of him. Yes.
THERAPIST: That must feel pretty excruciating to want nothing more I think than to be able to take care of him, for him to be okay, and to be kind of helpless [and there.] (ph) [00:12:12]
CLIENT: Yes. Yes. And in all fairness, yes I really do need him to take care of me. I really do. I'm not doing very well. I'm really not. But there are ways I can help. I want to be able to [inaudible at 00:13:11] step up right now.
THERAPIST: I see. Kind of irrespective of [inaudible]?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Like there were two independent things.
CLIENT: Yes. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this job. I mean I'm working really hard. I am not killing myself. Working really hard.
THERAPIST: Yes, I know. They've I think taken pretty much everything you've got. [00:14:17]
CLIENT: Haven't been aware.
THERAPIST: Yes? What a boring job.
CLIENT: Yes? I still feel guilty. Good thing.
THERAPIST: It's a good thing you feel guilty?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: I thought it was asking being (ph) a lot pretty much.
CLIENT: Yes. That's just all I want. [Pause] I want to know how people get better. I spiraled (ph) down quick.
THERAPIST: Yes I imagine [inaudible at 00:17:37] that it doesn't seem like you're enduring whatever would be any different.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: You ever think how long is it going to last?
CLIENT: Yes. No, maybe I can get years out of it. I'm pretty good; I'm pretty strong. It's just a matter of less time or more time. [00:18:39]
THERAPIST: It's not all a matter of things have bared in new way really seem different.
CLIENT: No. I don't know. [Pause]
THERAPIST: [Someone told me] (ph) you've started saying sorry when you don't have much to say which you haven't been doing so lately; you used to do all the time. [00:24:05]
CLIENT: Yes. I hate that.
THERAPIST: Yes?
CLIENT: Yes, it drives me nuts. I used to apologize all the time. I yes, I'm very agitated. Just don't know what to say. [Pause]
THERAPIST: I wonder if your depression feels like it's in a fight with me. [00:26:27]
CLIENT: How do you mean?
THERAPIST: The really simple way? I'm thinking of what I said yesterday and I think a lot of things I said basically which even though they're true I don't I think you listen and take them I don't think they stick. They don't seem to really sort of touch how bad things are but they certainly don't provide any traction on it. My impression is that of anything what feels most helpful is for me to sort of say things more like I really don't know what to do about this or I'm not sure how to fix it or make it any better or -
CLIENT: It really doesn't matter.
THERAPIST: There's a lot about it I really don't understand, which are all true. But I have the feeling those are sort of the most helpful or most [inaudible at 00:28:29] sorts of things that I can say or I don't know could say but have said anyway. [00:28:41]
CLIENT: Yes. I don't know. Yes. Yes.
THERAPIST: I guess I feel like anything else probably comes across as an attempt about anything else, like just to say something about how it sounds like you're feeling, or how bad things are I don't get the sense that I think those are okay. But when I say much else, I feel like it comes across as even [half-fed] (ph) on my part, however thinly disguised, to help you be better. And that that's like it is quite suspect, even if it's something like objectively it is true or sounds plausibly true, let alone when it isn't. [00:30:03]
CLIENT: Yes, well I think that's right. It sort of feels like this [inaudible at 00:30:43] for it.
THERAPIST: I guess a kind of a terminal condition, [just not so big now] (ph).
CLIENT: I mean that's what it feels like on a normal day. That's why [I'm here] (ph). Doing ECT is very heartening, not necessarily because it's helpful but because the psychiatrists who are in charge are so convinced that it's going to be helpful. It's just I don't know it's just immensely reassuring how they just believe that this is going to help so much. And it doesn't really [laughs] or not that much. [00:32:18]
THERAPIST: I mean I have other things like this before. I, and I could be barking up the wrong tree here, but I wonder if part of what's reassuring is that they're so convinced that what they're doing seems so powerful to them and you shut them down anyway, letting the depression win. I'm sure it's not to say that I've been treating them like little lab coats, like bright-eyed science doctor types or something, unsure of what they're doing, and it doesn't and really it doesn't make a goddam bit of difference, and that's not exactly true in a way. I mean I think it has probably helped in some ways, but -
CLIENT: It does seem to help in some ways, but -
THERAPIST: You're still fighting through your I mean -
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: fighting for your life.
CLIENT: It makes small differences and I don't know. But they believe.
THERAPIST: Why don't we stop for now? As far as I know [inaudible at 00:34:11].
CLIENT: Thank you.
THERAPIST: You're welcome. See you tomorrow. [00:34:21]
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