TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:14]
THERAPIST: Hi.
CLIENT: Hi.
(Pause): [00:00:14 [00:00:26]
CLIENT: Ran into (unclear). He's real nice.
THERAPIST: Good. I will be meeting with him like very occasionally, every four or five weeks or so at this time.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: At the same time.
CLIENT: It doesn't matter.
THERAPIST: It doesn't matter?
CLIENT: It really doesn't.
THERAPIST: All right.
CLIENT: Yeah, I mean, well I guess it matters a little bit. Like he sort of makes me cry, but it doesn't I don't care. I don't know.
THERAPIST: I'm going with 'it matters.'
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah. I really wish it didn't matter.
THERAPIST: I understand.
(Pause): [00:01:09 00:01:20]
CLIENT: Yeah, he's really a great person.
(Pause): [00:01:21 00:01:55]
CLIENT: Yeah. I don't know. I really, really wish it didn't.
(Pause): [00:01:57 00:02:04]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) seeing him.
(Pause): [00:02:04 00:02:07]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) as though, it (unclear) an indication of your like not being together somehow, or not being able to handle yourself, or -
CLIENT: Or (unclear). Yeah.
THERAPIST: Like not being able to get a piece of work done that you wanted to do or something like that?
CLIENT: Yeah. Sort of.
(Pause): [00:02:25 00:02:49]
CLIENT: Yeah, I sort of just feel like a mess.
(Pause): [00:02:50 00:03:24]
CLIENT: I mean there's stuff to do with hardware and that comes up all the time so it's not like I feel like I'm just, I don't know, constantly have school stuff coming up. I hate that.
(Pause): [00:03:51 00:05:05]
THERAPIST: Do you feel a little more like you can sort of both acknowledge that and hate it and not necessarily look like a fuck up in the process?
(Pause): [00:05:15 00:05:24]
CLIENT: I don't know.
(Pause): [00:05:24 00:10:26]
THERAPIST: You seem very frustrated.
CLIENT: Yeah. I'm sorry. (Sigh)
(Pause): [00:10:30 00:10:47]
CLIENT: I am.
(Pause): [00:10:46 00:11:34]
CLIENT: Yeah, I don't -
(Pause): [00:11:34 00:11:40]
CLIENT: kind of like know what to talk about.
(Pause): [00:11:41 [00:12:30]
CLIENT: (Unclear) talk about everything (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:12:33 [00:12:36]
CLIENT: (inaudible) care.
THERAPIST: What do you mean?
CLIENT: I just -
(Pause): [00:12:42 00:13:22]
CLIENT: I guess -
(Pause): [00:13:21 00:13:25]
CLIENT: the -
(Pause): [00:13:25 00:13:43]
CLIENT: you know, I -
(Pause): [00:13:42 00:13:51]
CLIENT: want to talk -
(Pause): [00:13:51 00:14:26]
CLIENT: about -
(Pause): [00:14:23 00:15:43]
CLIENT: Sorry. I guess -
(Pause): [00:15:43 00:15:59]
CLIENT: I find myself, I just -
(Pause): [00:16:01 00:17:01]
CLIENT: Never mind. (Whispers) Sorry.
(Pause): [00:17:04 00:18:23]
CLIENT: I guess it is okay for me to talk about this?
(Pause): [00:18:23 00:19:11]
THERAPIST: It is something (unclear) you have to go through.
(Pause): [00:19:12 00:19:24]
CLIENT: Just thinking about -
(Pause): [00:19:25 [00:20:03]
CLIENT: the way this all gets put into place.
(Pause): [00:20:12 00:21:36]
THERAPIST: The way what gets put into place?
(Pause): [00:21:39 [00:23:15]
THERAPIST: I'm aware that you're struggling with things.
CLIENT: Yeah. I -
(Pause): [00:23:18 00:23:22]
CLIENT: I'm sorry. (Sigh)
(Pause): [00:23:25 [00:23:28]
CLIENT: (inaudible)
(Pause): [00:23:29 00:23:36]
THERAPIST: Like you can't put the words together?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: The impression that I get, and maybe this is not what it's like is sort of -
(Pause): [00:23:47 00:23:54]
THERAPIST: like being in one of those states where you are kind of half asleep or drifting off to sleep and something wakes you up and you have all this stuff that was like right there on your mind you can't quite find it, or put into words, or you'd wake up from it dreaming even though you were wishing it was kind of gone? And it feels like it's very present?
CLIENT: Yeah, that feels about right.
THERAPIST: Yeah?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: You seemed to shake your head at first, but that does seem kind of what it is like?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:24:30 00:24:34]
THERAPIST: And you seem to be left with -
(Pause): [00:24:42 00:24:51]
THERAPIST: Does the dream part seem more right?
(Pause): [00:24:52 00:25:02]
THERAPIST: You seem to have like -
(Pause): [00:25:03 00:25:07]
THERAPIST: some of that evident and like feelings and reactions from the dream even though you don't kind of remember it. Like you look upset and you look frustrated and I think you're trying to say something about how you feel that way with the prior you know, thinking some thoughts about that.
CLIENT: I don't know.
(Pause): [00:25:44 00:26:11]
THERAPIST: You also do seem like increasingly connected -
(Pause): [00:26:16 00:26:28]
THERAPIST: You seem closer to being able to say something, sort of, that you've been -
(Pause): [00:26:34 [00:26:40]
CLIENT: I guess I feel that way.
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
CLIENT: But still I'm just not there.
THERAPIST: No. It seems like you're not quite there.
CLIENT: That's what's [striking] (ph).
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:26:53 [00:27:11]
CLIENT: I just feel like I'm never quite there.
(Pause): [00:27:12 00:27:25]
THERAPIST: Never quite able to do the thing that you really need to do.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:27:31 00:28:21]
CLIENT: Yeah, (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:28:22 00:28:25]
THERAPIST: I think -
(Pause): [00:28:26 00:28:55]
THERAPIST: So, the question that then goes through my mind is, 'well, and so what's the big deal?' And I think that the biggest deal about it is your feeling that you always have to be able to do for yourself.
CLIENT: How do you mean?
(Pause): [00:29:34 00:29:42]
THERAPIST: Saying something just now or working at Starbucks or showing the apartment or getting school work done. I think you hold on one of the things that really keeps you together is that feeling of being able to sort of do for yourself whatever it is that you need to do that you need to do.
(Pause): [00:30:34 00:30:40]
THERAPIST: That when that's gone, the bottom drops out.
CLIENT: Okay.
(Pause): [00:30:44 00:31:05]
THERAPIST: Here, I think the way of being played out is if you can't say something, if you can't do for yourself that way, I can't help you.
(Pause): [00:31:17 00:31:26]
THERAPIST: I think that's probably -
(Pause): [00:31:29 00:31:35]
THERAPIST: part of it.
(Pause): [00:31:35 00:31:51]
THERAPIST: I can't help you and it's your fault.
(Pause): [00:31:56 00:32:09]
CLIENT: Yeah, I think that sounds like that.
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
(Pause): [00:32:12 00:33:26]
THERAPIST: There may be another part of (unclear) -
(Pause): [00:33:29 00:33:43]
THERAPIST: You might feel also a very fond wish to be -
(Pause): [00:33:53 00:34:07]
THERAPIST: (unclear) put it, like -
(Pause): [00:34:08 00:34:14]
THERAPIST: I'm not sure about this but I wonder if you feel like a kind of countervailing -
(Pause): [00:34:24 00:34:31]
THERAPIST: wish to not be able to do anything and be taken care of or helped in any way.
(Pause): [00:34:38 00:34:43]
THERAPIST: I wonder, I don't know about this but I wonder if there's a part of you that and if it's true I think this is a part of yourself you probably hate -
CLIENT: (Unintelligible)
THERAPIST: vigorously, but sort of is probing or testing, 'well, what if I can talk, you know, kind of still get help?'
(Pause): [00:35:10 00:35:13]
CLIENT: I don't know.
THERAPIST: Yeah? (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. I mean -
(Pause): [00:35:18 00:35:22]
CLIENT: seems like a real (unclear), don't they?
THERAPIST: Yeah. The place where I can see that kind of like gopher like popping his head up most visibly is in the relief you can feel being in the hospital.
CLIENT: Yeah?
THERAPIST: You know, where there's some you know, that part feels like, 'okay, here I don't have to do anything. Like I can just, you know -
(Pause): [00:35:57 00:36:00]
THERAPIST: be taken care of and who's really going to run with that? I would say -
(Pause): [00:36:10 00:36:16]
THERAPIST: Look the food's going to suck in the hospital. There's just no two ways about that, but you tend to be pretty critical of the hospital. In some ways, I personally have to agree with a lot of things you're critical about, you know, some of the kinds of care they don't provide and (unclear) get to know you and the stay's so short, you know, like I think I get it, you know, and I agree. But I wonder if there's something else going on there as well which is that you're sort of -
(Pause): [00:36:47 00:36:52]
THERAPIST: you're directing outward some of the fury that you have towards yourself for wanting to be there.
CLIENT: Um hmm [yes].
THERAPIST: You know, kind of like, 'well (unclear), I'm not really getting taken care of here, and I want to be clear about that.' And like, 'having been totally right about them because I couldn't take it if I was just ragging on myself for actually wanting to be here.' And feeling relief.
CLIENT: Um hmm [yes]. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Again. I'm not saying that maybe when it's less true when things get a little tricky with you, it's like if it was me, I agreed with a lot of things you (unclear). But that doesn't necessarily sort of (unclear) me.
CLIENT: Yeah. No I think I agree with you there. I don't quite know what to do about it.
(Pause): [00:38:01 00:38:14]
THERAPIST: So, very effective maybe there's like a (unclear) off and will say, 'well, I don't know what to do about it.' Which maybe is again like leading with sort of competence in activity in the sense of having to do for yourself, like if I just said something I think is difficult for you, your first thought is, 'okay, well I should do something really about this.'
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And I guess what I'm saying is, I think that's -
(Pause): [00:38:59 00:39:01]
THERAPIST: I think I said some things that probably are kind of disturbing and your "go-to" is like, 'okay, well like I guess I should do something.' You know, 'I'm not sure what to do. Oh, shit." Like -
CLIENT: Um hmm [yes].
THERAPIST: Is that -?
CLIENT: Um hmm [yes]. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:39:20 00:39:27]
THERAPIST: Otherwise you're left in a kind of more helpless, more dependent -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: much more scary -
(Pause): [00:39:39 00:39:46]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: position.
(Pause): [00:39:46 00:42:39]
THERAPIST: We're going to stop in a couple of minutes. I just wanted to check in about like (unclear) cutting since (unclear)?
CLIENT: Yeah, I haven't been cutting. I'm not sure that I'm feeling at my low space, but I'm often so it's fine.
THERAPIST: Have you wanted to?
CLIENT: Yeah. (Unclear) Yeah. But I haven't been. I've been with James, so I think okay.
THERAPIST: Probably James's kept you from it?
CLIENT: Yeah, I think so.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:43:30 00:43:39]
THERAPIST: You've been thinking about suicide?
CLIENT: I haven't been thinking much about suicide. But -
(Pause): [00:43:51 00:43:55]
CLIENT: I -
THERAPIST: So you're referring to more cutting yourself or -
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:44:02 00:44:05]
THERAPIST: That makes sense. I'm just -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: trying to (inaudible). Because you haven't been thinking about suicide lately.
CLIENT: Not as much.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But yeah.
(Pause): [00:44:23 00:44:29]
CLIENT: Yeah, and -
(Pause): [00:44:28 00:44:36]
CLIENT: Yeah, I'm okay.
(Pause): [00:44:36 00:44:48]
THERAPIST: Anything else (inaudible)?
CLIENT: I don't think so.
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Okay.
END TRANSCRIPT
