Transcript of Audio File:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: That was not a conversation I was looking forward to having with you, (laughing) just so you know. I've been worrying about that. That's a lot more money than we have. I get worried about money regardless and so I'm worrying about money with regards to things that aren't as important to me as this is and [ ] (inaudible at 00:00:54) and I also feel like I shouldn't need it in some ways. Yeah. Yesterday was not a very good day. [00:01:18] I would kind of watch an episode of TV, stop, and kind of be like, "Okay, can I go back to work?" And then I would start crying. I would cry for a little bit and then I would be like, "Okay, I guess I'd better watch more TV." (laughs) That was pretty much the day. I just feel guilty about it. Even though it's clearly the insurance's fault, I feel so guilty. I want to be taking care of you. Obviously, you need to be paid, but I also feel like I'm in the situation that it's my fault (crying) that I don't know how to fix and nothing that I try to do to fix it makes me different. [00:02:34] I've been worse than I have for a while. Pretty bad and I don't know how to talk to you about it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the self-injury the other day. I think that's something I probably should have told you about before. I think it was like, "Well, if I tell Josh then I have to admit that I'm doing it to myself." [00:03:27]
THERAPIST: You mean like if you're telling me then you're also admitting it to yourself? Is that what you mean?
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, we're borrowing money from James's parents to pay the bills, which his parents just finished paying off their house so they basically just send us their mortgage payment and their lives are the same. His father, I think, said he was kind of relieved that James was borrowing money from him because he's the only one of the siblings that hadn't at some point. He was like, "It's about time." (chuckles) James feels really bad about it. I feel really bad about it. (pause) [00:04:43]
THERAPIST: This won't help much, but I'll say it anyway. [ ] (inaudible at 00:04:48) for a while and you've been the throes of a major medical crisis.
CLIENT: Yeah, I know. I tell myself that. (chuckles) (pause) I keep thinking, "I can't get bad enough to go back to the hospital because they won't let me have my computer to apply for jobs." Also it sucks but ... (laughs) (pause) [00:06:03] When I was in ninth grade I was in the choir with my two friends, and we took a trip to Europe for two weeks with the choir and did the things that choirs do there tour around and sing in cathedrals. It was a great trip, but my dad sent me out with $50 or $75 for the trip. That was for souvenirs basically. [00:06:43] He didn't realize or he had forgotten or something, but he didn't realize that the students were supposed to pay for about two-thirds of their own meals so it was tough in that regard. I ate a lot of bread and cheese and Cadbury eggs. It was Easter season Lent, actually. I ended up having to borrow like $200 from one of the chaperones. I think it was from the school's account or something. [00:07:43] I just remember being so ashamed and so afraid that my dad would be upset with me because it was a pretty expensive trip as it was not easy for him to pay for. It was just awful. (pause) Yeah, I don't do very well with money. (long pause) [00:08:46] Yeah, going to private schools was really good for me in some ways, but from when I was five to when I was 18, basically I was [ ] (inaudible at 00:09:05) insane amounts of money and I just didn't have any. I didn't tell my dad about when it was time to buy class rings because I was just like, "Well, we can't afford it." [0:09:34] (pause) [ ] (inaudible at 00:10:08)
I really, really wanted to kill myself the last day or two, more than in days previously. There is that. [00:10:38]
THERAPIST: It's gotten really bad again, huh?
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. (pause) I'm pretty much immobilized as far as tech. I can check my e-mail and avoid the e-mails that I don't want to read. (laughs) (sniffles) I scan school websites for teaching positions and kind of fly to the ones that I want to apply for and then sort of think about ... go to start the application, but I just can't do it. [00:11:54] I'm sleeping really late. I set my alarm for a reasonable time and then I turn it off because I think I can't get up. (pause) (sniffles) I'm trying to kind of take care of myself and let it pass and all. (sighs) (sniffles) [00:12:54]
THERAPIST: Most of the time you'd rather be dead?
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. I'm back to, "Well, I told James that I'm going to stick around." That's what I have to keep telling myself. (pause) [00:13:52] I started watching West Wing yesterday. I don't know. I have so many friends that are so into it, and now it's on Netflix and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with it. I really like Aaron Sorkin's writing, but he just has to preach. He just can't help himself, especially about politics. I can deal with it in sports writers and things, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with it on all things. (chuckles) It's also really good. (long pause) [00:15:36]
THERAPIST: I assume it's not so clear to you why you're feeling worse or what's making you feel worse?
CLIENT: I think not having a job and being worried about money is a lot of it. Yeah, I think that's a lot of it.
THERAPIST: That's been true for a little while.
CLIENT: Yeah. So ... (laughs) Sorry, I'm not sure what's different. [00:16:23]
THERAPIST: I take your point that that's a lot of what you've been feeling really awful about and it sounds like things that kind of trip the worst moods and things like that often have to do with that, I think.
CLIENT: Maybe it's that the independent school hiring season is coming to a close so, actually, it's becoming much less likely that I'll find a job and that I'll not find a job teaching; and it's getting to the end of the school year so people aren't going to be looking for new tutors. So I think I should find a job in another field. James's going to finish his degree within the next two months and then we're going to go where he goes; and I don't know where that's going to be. [00:17:45]
THERAPIST: Do you think you'll likely move?
CLIENT: I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea.
THERAPIST: Do you think he'll likely be post doc-ing?
CLIENT: I think that's probably what he'll end up doing, but it's not because he really wants to so much as it's the thing that will keep the most options open.
THERAPIST: [From what I hear about post doc-ing, it might be.] (ph? at 00:18:25)
CLIENT: Are you kidding?
THERAPIST: No, no. I'm serious. Nobody wants to, but it keeps options open and, unfortunately, it doesn't prove to be something that you need to do.
CLIENT: Oh, yeah. If you want an academic job you have to get a post doc.
THERAPIST: I mean, the industry is starting to like post doc, I think. That may depend upon what you're doing.
CLIENT: No, I think I had heard that and that's really depressing for me.
THERAPIST: [ ] (inaudible at 00:18:55)
CLIENT: Yeah. I think he's still hoping that I'll find a job teaching and then he'll look for a post doc somewhere where I am; but I don't think that's going to happen. [00:19:21] (pause) Finding a job would mean that we have to change the therapy schedule around and I just don't know ... (trailing off) I'm just really overwhelmed by it and really ashamed of being overwhelmed. (crying) (pause) [00:20:54]
THERAPIST: You feel really strongly that you should be able to handle things better and not get upset and that kind of stuff?
CLIENT: Yeah. (long pause) [00:21:40] Then I start to think, "Well, I think actually other people would be actually better off if I were dead (sniffles)." And then I say, "No, (chuckles) I have to remind myself that [ ] (inaudible at 00:22:00)." (pause) (crying) I so want to say, "I can do this," and "I can't do this," with equal emphasis. (pause) [00:22:56] I'm going to play board games with Brandon tonight. That will probably be fun. (pause)
THERAPIST: I guess part of what makes it difficult to talk about here how you're feeling is that it's like so closely tied up with shame about feeling that bad and what you should be doing.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: It means that you have to confront it and also that I see it. [00:24:11]
CLIENT: Yeah. A lot of it is tied up with being ashamed of being behind in paying you. Yeah.
THERAPIST: You've been feeling really bad about that?
CLIENT: Yeah. I've been feeling really badly about it. (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess it's hard enough for you to come in here and not feel guilty and like I'm going to get exasperated when you are paying me. I can only imagine ...
CLIENT: Yeah. (both laugh) That's about right. (both laugh) [00:25:08]
THERAPIST: But if you're behind with that it's much harder.
CLIENT: I started crying before I walked over here today. I went to leave and I just started crying. That's the problem with you being good at telling how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about things I don't tell you; but then I just assume that you can tell everything. (laughs) I guess you really can't. Sorry about that. (laughs) [00:26:01]
THERAPIST: [ ] (inaudible at 00:26:01)
CLIENT: Yeah, that's been [ ] (inaudible at 00:26:15)
THERAPIST: That must be having implications for how you are here, like if there's something frustrating you or there's something that you think I wouldn't want to hear about anything that you might additionally, like that you more so feel guilty about. [00:27:06]
CLIENT: I don't know. I mean, I didn't call you last night because of that; but I did think about calling you, but I didn't.
THERAPIST: Call me anyway.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Absolutely.
CLIENT: I don't know. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing. It's like I worry about it and feel guilty about it, but then just kind of put it away and talk about other things.
THERAPIST: Are you worrying instead about your card not going through? [00:28:00]
CLIENT: Yeah, but not that worried because I know that it ought to go through and also because if it turns out not to go through we can transfer balances around.
THERAPIST: Right. Okay. Good. I'm glad that's the case. I just wanted to check.
CLIENT: Yeah. Thanks. It's just a small worry.
THERAPIST: Good. (pause)
CLIENT: I keep hurting myself. Then I'm like, "Well, I told and now I really have to stop," [and that doesn't make me stop.] (ph?) (pause) [00:29:11] It's like [ ] (inaudible at 00:29:13) focus and will that it takes for me to not hurt myself, I'd have to take that from other things. Right now most of my focus and will is going towards not killing myself, (sniffles) and not crying all the time, and getting out of bed (crying) which, when I [ ] (inaudible at 00:30:14), I don't think I can make an excuse but [ ] (inaudible at 00:30:18). (long pause) (sobbing) [00:31:26] I'm trying.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (pause) (crying) Yeah, I think [ ] (inaudible at 00:32:38).
THERAPIST: Does that not feel so bad for you?
CLIENT: It doesn't make [ ] (inaudible at 00:32:52) (pause) [00:32:54]
THERAPIST: I will do whatever I can ...
CLIENT: I know.
THERAPIST: ... and I'm also confident that there are ways that will discipline you.
CLIENT: Thanks. (pause)
THERAPIST: We should stop for now.
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